ValiantSalvatore

I stopped growing fast due to fat materalistis I have to sort of mone and gaslight others a bit and troll the a tiny bit & just take this etc.

I like also healthy objective constructive feedback etc. that is missing it's such an ego inflation point for many to feel better about themselves omfg.

What bothers me the most when I get more conscious, yet also enjoy the most is I get more dominance and power, it's so odd I dunno how to describe it, yet it seriously happens also that mindfulness and serious spiritual practice is a solution I forgot, this and somehow I was so jaded to listening to this, as often when I think about OH OH MY SOLTUION IS MEDITATION; ASK PEOPLE & PSYCHDELICS AND READING. THEN I HIT REALTIY AND I AM LIKE YES WHO IS THE LUNE? YOU OR ME? MATERALIST ADDICTED COOK SUCKING POWER HUNGRY SLUT YOU ARE; YES YOU ARE GO SUCK SOME DICK YES YOU!!!!!!!!!! Then, again yeah... I've been missleading myself immensely etc. The worst people are the ones who ride on your weaknesses and shits, when you are improving and giving yourself the best to improving a situation unsupportive power hungry twats, I loose it at times, that is my truth, I would not do this to a partner etc. yet at times I could seriously loose it, if I would not take a break and create deeper boundaries or inqiure these things etc. Anyway, this was very very good for my current situation etc.... I've been misleading myself immensely.... due to fear & invalidation experiences beyond believe etc. The new friends help me tremendously in contrast to the old b.s

Basically I can create a mantra like I am untouchable and god, to solve this at the root, and I am offended by nothing etc. and work from this on out, most patterns are evoked by female type of emotional toxicity even in men, it's not that easy etc.

I want a guitar and singing lessons to make a cranky Leo song, that would be the solution to me remdy, to make songs about people who hurt me and absolutely clown and gaslite them in a song as artistic expression, as nobody can blame you even in the subtles notion and it would be funny contemplation material. I could develop more material strength that way, also the gaslighting episode is exactly that most answers in terms of gaslightin comes down to having strength. I have a serious issue with skeptical scientific blamers and gaslighters and spiral dynamics blue type mechnical people. Asking for help with conscious people when you have serious issues is one of the best things or very stupid but true people like Enzo the PUA, he's so dumb it's irrelevant as that is truth and he is also freaking intelligent that is the issue. Also all of the current dating tricks I've seen it partially, this region is also oddly weird. I found a guy who shoots pictures for playboy models etc. I could look up for something like this as a hobby even, to just fuck girls and be a proper asshole, and make them send me dirty feet pics or smth. I just dunno how to avoid gaslighting in a sense, especially with power hungry merit type girls who barely get a decent guy as they are extremely emotional manipulative in a sense & setting boundaries with some people. It's odd It has gotten better, yet creating boundaries, ignoring distancing and doing shadow work is one of the few things I can do. The irony of my anger is also I had the fking correct solution in mind like 90% of the time it's an annoyance the boundaries I create a very healthy sometimes they are broken, and I get extremely angry with the other person etc. I dunno the old psychotherapist was very good, yet at times a bit to delusional in a way and fantastical it was odd. Especially creating physical boundaries mine have been broken so often by rampant in David Deida terms whooooooorrreeesss, who are unable to respect boundaries and emotional issues, it's like they are animalistic elephants trampling for their desires like trump and creating subtle tantrums and gaslighting others. Simple things in my childhood as my mother not closing the door, entering my room before knocking mishearing what I said even if she understood at times and acting uncontrolled etc. Then this american bitchy white priviledge undercurrent as an identity switch to dating a black men and learning english?? I don't know this is one of the nastiest triggers she did at times. It's like white american merit whore based on slavery it's sooo fking nasty, yet she does not comprehend how this feels. etc. The healthy side is of course she is humerous about some things, and can laugh about stereotypes she is not as bad, yet very adhd imo, can't sit still moves around keeps looking at me the whole time asks what is wrong when nothing is wrong, only to talk about herself and be this "caretake" and "healer" of emotional issues while beign absolutely traumatized herself etc. It's odd to create boundaries of hello & bye! This is love then in my family, some with my aunt as they are rampaging fking animals when confronted with some issue etc. I dunno.... I dislike it how much responsibility I take and I wish I could let go at times even at work, it's such a dipshit show of responsibility I could have it all again, due to just my fairness drive etc.

Listening to the gaslighting episode again, glad also to have a new friend who can actually help me and is interested in conscious activites etc. even early morning gym at 6.30pm how many pussies I've meet who are unwilling to do this, also it's insane to meet a person who is completely no gaslighting and manipulative, it's just sort of an avoidance of power and domination that sort of occures. It's odd it would be better to meet Leo & other more conscious people in person to get a better picture of the human.

Peace and end of war would be awesome...., so I don't get German fear based job marketing.

This is also awesome, I find it difficult to connect at times to rock culture, yet this was music I heard in the car as a kid, definitely awesome to listen and connect to people who like this. I just feel so left out alone even within my own music taste I dunno. It's crazy to me how people generally have 0 taste, and just listen to fit in.

I also found new food to build better muscles etc.

10k notions about things and new solutions, going to the gym in the morning is the only option when I only go 3x a week to get mental health and strength back to solve problems. I also struggle heavily with social media since I was 14 or so due to how heavily it is used to connect and be succesful in todays world. Not sure what to make out of this. Early morning gym will be good I could even do small cardio for fun. Best choice I made in years. One of the few things that keeps me sane, yet I don't like to see german turkish gym culture it's utterly uninspiring and it's one of the biggest lust and sex seeking intentions I have witnessed in my life. Yoga is a bit to much for me as an exercise thing, it's also to feminine a good mixture is mostly better for my health if all I see is girls I am just going to retreat due to how I grew up etc. To many girls and female influence is not good. It's emotional toxicity to a nasty level and even the damage that men did to girls will be put into you.

I am just unsure what to think of society as a whole, especially due to everything "mature" is survival and materalism, for most want respect? Earn a lot of money and overcome obstacles etc. have a higher social position skill is the only point where it's somewhat fair..., yet I dunno I feel so fked in this area.

This music also just calmes me heavily, I dunno I wish I could live in a proper apparement with proper entertainment systems and upgrade it I don't like poverty university culture it's unenjoyable.

I have extrem issues with the juvenile dating culture, and "my approach" to maturity it all backfired not a single piece of shit is interested in living consciously, not a single one they use it for social leverage. White teeth called self-care. While whoring around and living only based on merit. I dunno I can't change my conditioning and I can't work with some people due to how they are structured and I would feel burnt how much clarity they need, and western values at times beign highly rational and anti-empathy oriented the more material the better. It's as simple as this. Confidence? Strength? etc. Who cares about this? All of my cravings due to conditiong are in the red/blue area and that has been hindred and tampered with due to my injury, it's just power and control and sexy fantasies at this level. Due to how barbaric Germans are this country barely is Green imo, it's just fear that makes them somewhat smart. Otherwise these people are blue&red often. I dunno what to do with my cravings due to how people treated me are also socially about a lot of domination, due to beign made fun of to doing things more "harmoniously" I don't even enjoy this word anymore. Yet, I dunno how to go about this. I feel I never had proper stage blue experience in my life and this is causing tremendous issues, I don't know how to solve.

Dunno what to say, I don't enjoy how actualized.org has been handled & the false informatio in the LP course, as well as the huge swing towards teaching this consciouness stuff no one besides maybe 10-20 people can even follow. With the other type of teachings I could at least consciously dive into personal issues, and seek proper help and have proper support. I still also think Leo is one of the most immature and projection oriented people I've meet subtely, I personally think this is also why he has these obsessions with Trump etc. as he feels guilty to a sense, and has the same kind of immaturity somewhere, of this kid type of power using, he barely interacts with anyone who keeps him in check in his personal life, due to the nature of the structure of actualized.org. It does not lead to proper expectations, especially considering my social life and work life I feel this guy has no idea how it is like today, due to just working on his own, and promoting this then, I feel a lot of guilt also in this area, as it's such bias towards a lot of what young people strive for when they are 16, yet I find now he has more maturity I wish he would have gone on his psychdelic trips when I was younger, I don't know who else to follow for me the self-help industry is dead, similar to hip-hop. Leo is one of the few no matter how much shit I say, who I can still learn and listen from, simply because of his individual pain and overcoming. I just start to hate most humans when I see how they interact about success. My stomach turns my heart turns I don't enjoy it, even in spiritual circles my yoga class around the corner has 90% higher consciounesss people than here, including me. The immaturity of online-culture and even offline of most unhealthy people. Is immense imo and I barely find people where I feel secure due to the nature of the problems I am facing a psychotherapist that can deal with the stress that I am having would be good, the old one was the only one, yet I feel so limited by what is happening in my social life. Also sick people who have allergies are so annoying I can'T have an animal again, it's such a piss shit society of health in Germany these genetics are just ill, take it out of me!!!! I don't like it war ridden piece of shit country.

Not sure what to make of this I can't even express what I all mean and would revise the whole thing. Even for me learning and even beign "forced" to learn the English language while I am native, yet have not been thought that way is a deep emotional issue I have been healing for forever. What I don't like is how little joy I get out of skill development because of stage blue perfectionism and expert perfection thing. It's so much anger & frustration for me, I can't deal with this at times and loose it when others trigger me with their glee & spiteful attitude of testing as they are numb to their emotions??? Feeling nothing does not mean you gaslite people for your own amusement, I dunno. I feel fucked at times beign extremely kind and open-minded and seeing the toxicity of both sides the toxic ones, the good-hearted toxic ones and the rational deniers also. I dunno if I would embrace beign masculine and conscious I would still have so much fling sex there is no time to have money & or make money it's obnoxious. Besides the alone time I crave to recharge. All of this purple & red Trance culture & Techno is also not really what it is about, yet it seems to give people some tribe. I just don't know, how to help myself properly anymore and some help as been seriously gaslighting as they might need more help then me. In a sense I am glad I have these thoughts about ending it when I see how disgusting society is and when I called the hotline once I thought ai would do it as the person was like my mother beign paid to be unable to listen, yet a good 9w1 I dunno what to say about this. It was odd as her son was also in Computer science and I bet he knew she was to stupid to do her job. The issue is my mother is the opposite and anger prone and denies this, this anger cycle numb anger ins my black family and lashing out anger in my white family is one of the most obnoxious things as the balance of it would already imply perfection? Expressing anger appropriately.... yeah.... how many would get offended by what I wrote and these are the people who call me snowflake? I highly doubt this is all hardcore gaslighting which exactly leads to this type of toxicity here not even fully expressed I would make most of this my personal pet for sexual pleasure even guys so they shut up with their toxicity. I would be doing cruel, as it takes so much maturity and wisdom to live consciousnessly I don't know what is more cruel. Path 1 is certainly easier if I am serious about it. I don't like 90% of humans they are exchangeable fuckable dolls and wild animals who deserve to be castrated as they are corrupt fking loosers who only compare themselves and their power level like 8 year olds in a video game. Then me who watches all this shit and is like *uhm... can we have a little bit of holism please?* You know what???? By all that I said silence is simply the answer there are no words to this, these *cough* pieces of shit deserve to be castrated beign thrown into ostracism in a time chamber and sent to the north Korean government where Andre Tate is forced to suck Kim jong UN's dick and report it to authorities for coping with their own insecurities about feminity. Then I wonder why I get angry about my life as I was forced to live in a more "feminine" fashion I can't deal with the stupidity of solving problems alone I fking hate it, yet many price teamwork so much, yet barely incentives and strucutalized in Uni. It's all my energy and effort of mainting consistency with work and social commitments like sucking kin jong UN's cocktail & snorting cocaine and screaming yeah I am white and have no Ballsack!!! Look I can't provide value, I am healthy and my ass can't walk to a gym, so I smoke cigarettes and jerk off. Imagine this was my peer group. The Fundamental issue of this is Ta-Da!!! Family not valuing education & Life-Long learning enough. I barely see anyone doing this if the family valued education seriously and has some sort of achievement or hobby. Then again without this b.s who would give me my food at the grocery store?? I don't even look down on them, if you say so you are gaslighting this is just what I am seeing the only humans I look down upon are gaslighters and gleeful people, eventually senseless murder and wild animals. Yeah, I Just don't enjoy the patience of working longer on a projects when opportunities dwindle, for social fun and the consistency here. I don't like it that I can't do sports and or music in a team/Orchester etc. All of this. If ai would sleep all would be good, yet I am so fked with this giftedness topic it's beyond me and I don't get any proper help for this. My family react toxic as I've built a subtle identity & identity/ego is bad to them!!!!?! They don't get it and will be in detail about it, yet what do I do??? The only ones that are okay with it are those who are not bothered by inequality??? How often I experienced this pain idgaf as long as it's not senseless arrogance it's so fking confusing just be smart and shut up!!!! Stop flaunting your eggs or sperm for elitist procreation. I dunno what else to think why you do this like c&c game similar but just toxic not edgy. *Sigh* I don't know how to solve the university issue just after beign fked recently & giftedness also it's utterly unexpressed and takes a lot of energy and I panic at Tests due to racialism etc. & Just fear of unfair treatment that does not go away easily and I've just seen it recently. If you can't teach me these easy standards you fked up not me!!!!!!! I hated this so much, but your beautiful fking pussy watching changed your mind, Nr.1 reason I'd castrat you to stupid to be fooled by beauty. Leading to stereotypical expressions.

These are mostly my frustrations I face daily, I'd do well to move to a place with an active stream & sound of water. It helps me a lot to forget these things. I really don't enjoy the Turkish culture in Germany it's deeply animalistic cherished as God & oppressive also what to many is modern I just see my mother from the 60's having gone through this it's so surreal you'd not believe it. Black culture personally for me has created more hope in my life than anything fking else I have seen. Seeing many Turkish people I just don't enjoy it if "they" would just be more western and not southern it'll be good, yet it's not very enjoyable & oppressive and backwards like many southern places. Anything else? Consciousness & pain are two very interesting connections. I don't get it, yet in deep pain when I come out I learn a lot still, pain itself is not as bad, yet the untangling of the associated stories make it an adament process. Ever since all the hypocritical & subtle beauty aspects about diversity and culture, the look for similarity as connections and not differences also played a role I noticed. I don't like it & I don't like my life. Cheesy white guy dates foreign chick. Black guy fucks white women. Asian men wants blond girlfriend or asian. Mixed people being mixed. Arab guy & Turkish guy wanting to fuck any foreign women and marry their own. Latino maybe the only normal ones I dunno. I could do the reverse perception of mine, yet this is mostly ranting and what I see with my own to eyes. White girl looking for provider with social resources and money, to keep up her dynasty of social connections. Black girl being stranded at the ocean of survival craving luxuries & fun. Asian girl being crazy and smart, looking to domestic their family to be in world. Latino girl ??? - I barely know any & this is a shit show of generalisations, that I do find for example. Portoguise girl beign the only one to date outside their nationality. Spanish girls beign non-existent, yet a hot myth. Italian girls dating for family & their appropriate level of hotness & desire for material world. French girl beign french, possibly snob about intelligence and social position, deluded about passions and high standards and toxic. Or very classic orientation. I dunno, the bar is so high in europe culture due to family wealth and protection within that wealth & lack of strong individualism like in America, it's odd to me. I mostly see German girls & Turkish/Arab girls in Dating apps, and the few mixed people. Sometimes Russian, polish & Ukraine etc. I get along with them more in person, it's a bit more human.... and not as sensorialy seeking and denying like Turkish cultures.... I had & have Turkish friends, yet all of these toxic subtle memes made the inner anger flame aware of their own toxicity with the right people I could make some serious racist but true memes. I don't enjoy university culture I definitely like work more. I don't enjoy how society itself is structured as an opportunity giver. I wish schooling would not exist. At work everything mostly seems fine, like in China or London etc. It's not as bad..., yet my own ambitions etc. Have been undermined by not getting needs meet subtle denial & gaslighting & the burden of extrem responsibility very young without Support that helped & barely any professional insights besides into the b.s I would legit have ended my existence for. It's such a subtle class based society due to all of this order without beauty & nature..... it has gotten better....still..... another post......

I am in bed, & sticking to my routine. Oh and watch the biggest pieces of shit I hate use this infor against me, if you are that and triggered day it welcome to your truth today. This is what I don't like about the value generally speaking, of "truth" everybody values "truth" honesty, yet it's all relative bullshit that is what I mean with shut up!!! Silence feels very good, my mind is also quiet, yet my emotional body is so active it's heavy and exercise, especially HIT helped a lot to get in touch with this. Now, I dunno... I wish I just had a normal life experience of some sort, yet it never was that way. There are so many "extras" in my life. To give an example. I bought groceries today & saw an Islamic meeting thing. I am going to say what I say, my first thought was sort of paraphrasing my thinking. Oh watch how It will be about money & control and how hateful they seemed to me. It's very different in the original culture when I saw Minaretts in Egypt, yet his thing in Germany generally feels like 90% of the time like hatred, control and power as a subtle undercurrent & frankly not that just money. That is what I see there is nothing very deeply conscious about this and they are all from a Tier1 dynamic, all I would speak about would be. Islam, money, women, work is it any different no. The energy of how hateful it feels in contrast to the christian thing yes really really different. Like when I saw real Buddhists in China how much that had a deep cultural pull of all of these emotions so non was dominante was surprising to me. Glee, hatred, jealousy, anger, shame etc. All of it was present and the opposite of it. In the west we make everything beautiful, so it's like Christmas and then we talk about pain & suffering. I also feel the corruption here. I dunno I am not happy and I don't know if I can ever be happy again. I can't optimize it as well it takes a tremendous amount of discipline and energy and the excessive dating culture and Turkish b.s, I don't have cultural leverage it's 0% enjoyable I don't enjoy anything about it close to nothing besides with some more conscious people and girls just go after this style due to cultural influence, it evokes so much hate and control and desire it's such a nasty mixture it has been made well by younger generations etc. Still it's so unenjoyable when I ponder about dating and my experiences. These are all extras, I don't have a black community group that meet's as everything ancient has been fked and I can't properly retrace my family history due to Xxxxxxxx reasons. Talking to my black family is as close to bad as to my German ones, due to lack of availability and support, especially the needed. My friends give their best. Therapy did not work, psychedelics do not work to solve this problem etc. Sure I might have not gone deep enough, yet I just don't enjoy living I dunno. I don't like it even when I feel good etc. I just don't like living at times, when I see how much fun others have and how immature, egotistical etc. Humans are. These patterns all occured when I am stuck on a problem I have such tremendous anger for whatever reason and the more I stick with it and can accept it the faster I solve it, yet it's there. Anger, hatred and frustration were like the 3 key negative emotions within my family. I just don't know due to the success pressure etc. And the lack of care family wise what to do with my drive to succeed and be the best/world class in something. I feel like I never got the chance and I had so much issues in gaslighting type scenarios about skill development etc. I get serious visions of violence and yes this is a 4 tendency in the enneagram. Ignoring human toxicity is the only thing that helped as 10 seconds later the human on average is in denial about it and won't change it. I don't enjoy how painful disappointments to me are it all feels so existential at times, I wish I could just work in a lab and study or so where I have access to a mentor I loose my mind due to so many different notions my peer group is practically non-existent they don't exist anymore by age etc. It's all just what do I like? What do I let in? I dislike the subtle gaslighting of orange science and it's should've known wisdom. I dislike it how toxic almost any endeavour is I've meet besides computer science... mostly... in my personal experience. I just don't enjoy it I can't really care to hold my word due to to many subtely disappointments if I would make a list it would be long & it all starts with the little things. Yes I do it to, I just don't know who even does. It's more of an act of tolerance and acceptance to me then anything. Without the deep exercises & schedule humans interactions don't feel as authentic anymore. I don't enjoy how my life is about work I could not build meaning in I never saw a black scientist in a move or series I believe and this is still a deep root in my heart so to speak I hate damaging others for no reason like they do. I dislike all of these unwise actions, no matter how toxic they all love you when you act with wisdom, as you're positive depth of acceptance & love & belonging no matter how dumb you are if you're wise people will love you and if you act wise people even the most toxic ones will cherish you. I just don't enjoy how I can't be my own role model anymore due to the integrity issue of my injury, it's not as enjoyable to be human and the subtle marketing issue of empathy I would love and I say and type this sick shit ones, to dometize some toxic German boy (a finger adult) and make him my personal pet. I don't think I would ever get bored. How ai experienced this culture and how sorry they felt I did not have a father. How racist they acted and order to cope with multiculturalism & envy. How fearful and perfectionist workaholics create subtle terrors about almost everything. So much fking changed with my generation it's so surreal. I just don't enjoy seeing my fat neighbors I swear I don't know what I have with neighbors but I fking hate them. I accept I live with them, yet I hate them more than I love them as they are a concern. I don't know what to do about the current work ethic thing and order I don't enjoy the German way of living and I don't know if I'd end it. For me also Europe I dunno, yet Europeans are so uniquely stupid, ethnocentric twats at times??? Also sorry for the cursing I don't know exactly what each word means, yet it is how it is. Prostituting myself for beauty? Or making art? Arting myself like prostitution or prostituting my art? I don't enjoy how little growth I experience due to lack of sensory pleasures that are very healthy like deep exercises and good food at times in moderation. I eat well, yet there is little joy. I thought today about a garden office due to my sessihin like work nature I work often in big sets I find the pomodore not very prolific and 3-4h sessions are the most productive. I lost all joy to this due to fking up my a-levels and the issue of isolation I felt when I took science classes it was not relatable to anyone outside of me so hence no meaning, very late on I realized there are "nerds", yet all the mockery made it difficult to relate to any of it, they did not even have any imagery that would help them besides if I wore glasses or what? I don't feel well if there are not one or two deep vibe connections, which are just not there really. I again did not take the necessary precautions and I miss all the early work due to how many fking girls wrote to me, oh no does not seem as spontaneous. Yeah, sure getting more resources is not as spontaneous as killing and fucking, yet my life purpose and vision was to much for you? Great...I had the backwards fear also here.... I barely received any appreciation for doing "my" work etc. It was all taken for a given, not a single reinforcement besides what Party XYZ believes. I don't feel well not feeling any freedom since 2018-2017 anymore as deeply as a possibility, I feel like many took me as a joke, while I had serious ambitions to make millions, even if I never did it. I just really yearned money??? Due to my black conditioning???? Tbh, it was all fun energy and & depth of journey J was searching, yet the lack of funds and poverty mindsets made it tricky for me to appreciate my more stage orange meritocracy drives, as it's shamed to death as it's not status & money etc. I don't feel that good, about success I enjoy deep friendships & parnerships more... nobody really comprehended this and nobody wanted to build a business as soon as 1 girl was there all ambition is channeled within the relationship, again besides with my bf. He geht's a lot out of relationships imo etc. Right now it's just I fking hate white society and humans & it's still better than 100% of what is out there. I'd be dead living in China etc. With the social shame etc & how materalistic the country is. I dunno there is still some positive resonance. Tier 2 question what is the alternative? Move to Mexico and create your own sex cult? Sounds good! Definitely better than horeseshit cuckold society best fitting fits than you'd imaging only to say hey! That's normal. Build a real life with a girl and enjoy human interaction!!! Imagine how much I would have loved to be in that situation with extended family!!! But you know what??? They all don't give a shit & moved their asses to different countries as nobody likes piss Germany!!!! Yes, even my family/ aunt moves out of this country as she is not happy living here. To many greedy fking observant pessimistic attitudes and "geizig" sorry my brain is mush from the food I ate today. Fking disgustingly arrogant folk Germans, the most arrogant shits without humour I've witnessed, deeply anti-social determined social space. Hi? How are you? What do you work as? Ah cool. Only diversity breaks this cycle somehow someway. Still for me it's not diverse enough this place is filled with to many Turkish & w/e other people I don't like their culture and how fling close they stick to their tribe is immensely enjoyable, you have nothing from the other human and many enjoy their own tribe. I could never do this never ever. I barely know any Turkish people who are not like this and if they are not they are socially well integrated more than me in a sense. Making another post....

The worst issue is due to this German socialization and the experiences I had etc. I find it extremely difficult to find help, for emotional re-occuring issues, such as panic and fear of killing myself due to failure and it's such an extrem notion in me I might do it, simply because of how current society is structured and keeps marketing itself. I don't find any proper solace, due to to many broken promises, especially the very subtle ones, where I don't know who I can derive joy. I keep going for the ones I can for help and explain, yet it does not really help when I can't find a proper therapist to work on deeper issues, and it costs so much money to work on this, and the general issue I've had I don't know who to turn to and I don't deal well with pain as due to subtle constant pains and just the type of gaslighting associated with it in order to deal with it. I feel I barely had a proper chance at decent socialization in a more "normalized" scence, due to heavy comparision and status based interactions. I never enjoyed beign at the bottom, even when I never truely was, yet it bothered me to not be in a well-regarded procces, so to speak and have options for self-care. I just don't know anymore what to deeply work on when it comes to older fears, and issues especially IQ & beign black in Germany, the whole survival notion of science and the right-wing & liberterian stronghold of this, it does not help me & it does help me. It's not a solution, I just have no idea how to deal properly with hypersensetivity, and I don't enjoy the hogwash of therapists that can exist, not working on what is bothering me the most. The old one I fucked up I admitt the new one, was absolutely a time fking waste I find it so disgusting to pay her one fking cent, I hated it utterly to breath into my stomach and feel XYZ. I will not pay for breathing you're not functionally at any place where I would pay one cent. Also, especially the German marekting around this and setting the black girl/boy as cool cultural sphere etc. I just don't enjoy it even when people do their best, I just don't know why I keep sabotaging myself, I can't function properly without beign able to maintain healthy routines, and this has been an issue ever since, when I had emotional issues I had no one to go to, and no one takes it seriously. My old psychotherapist was so good, yet lacked the abillity to help. The other one was okay, to talk to it helped me, yet I would like someone I can resonate more with like the old one, I did not know all of this due to my mother keeping her fucking mouth shut, with all the issues I've been giving my best to overcome, I don't know at times if I can trust my memory, especially in the earlier phases, I did not fucking know. This German skeptical cyneccism and gaslighting was worse than any possible ghetto I've could have grown up from, I just don't know, I can't deal well with the pain of solving problems & the social sphere of this good boy life, and generally boyish feelings that are not stemming from some holism and then are abused for power and what fking ever. I generally can't help myself much without proper exercise and in it's current form my knee and my scar can kill me, it's just not fun to have so much pain in breath, it's not enjoyable a fat girl as psychotherapist twat not understand this, if you've never opted for peak physical health you will not comprehend any of this. It's also often some very subtle detail, it's so painful I would quit an entire career out of it I don't see the benefit of doing it when someone can show it to me in 5 seconds and I understand it, I don't enjoy it. I don't know how to deal with this whole thing and I don't like socities marketing, I wish at times all humans would shut up. The point is I really need a gifted psychologist, my old one was so overburned and the other one was so fking dumb, I would've killed my existed beign next to something so utterly stupid, I am so fking sorry saying this, yet speaking consciously here does not do me any good. I don't like to subtely euphemise everything, and act consciously when the other one was no capacity to the same pain perception, if it would not be so severe then IDK. My nervous system is extremely sensetive, and sensory overload is also a thing that kills INFJ's and I gave my best to expand this. I just don't really know how to deal with this, I can do it and did all of it. I just don't know how to deal with unused giftedness it's one of the biggest issues I have faced. It makes it difficult for me to accept things and even when I accept them there are two ways, do nothing about it and accept it, do something about it or just accept it etc. etc. Using and here for TIER2 consciouness etc. Does not matter as much. I also feel due to lack of proper parenting I can't enjoy work for university I feel like I have never been a proper experience of what that looks so much was subtely broken and a half half thing I don't know which triggers there are at times. I just don't like this good boy preperation anymore it makes me suicidal to life like this & be a "proper member of society" it burns me out, and I fking hate all of these subtle notions I would like to life also at a higher place, and not in a fking basement. My existence has been so stereotypical without much choice, I would literally end my life because of it, because humans are a pill of shit that deserve to be extinguished and yes I wrote this I've said this to others in person and no I don't incline to do it, yet it is what it is to me. I feel better saying it that you are all pieces of shit to me and that a family is a piece of shit. These happy notions etc. even with the best research it's so fking difficult to create this injured, I don't get much joy of leisure activites besides video games, due to my super serious attitude. I want this edge also at times, I just don't enjoy to many things and to many gaslighting type of experiences. IDK what to think. I feel gaslit by Leo and Actualized.org, because of this cynnaical attitude I wish I would never have followed this place still, yet people will not understand why not leave? Why are you not making billions & you have alien intelligence? It's not that simple, especially emotional issues and traumas, and I have extrem issues when I can't solve a problem & it seems simple due to beign made fun of and other stuff, I just don't know I have never been encouraged in these scenarios. I just don't know why I keep creating perfect scenarios and then sabotage it, I feel also so fking gaslit by the job market and marekting I dunno what to say anymore. I fking hate white culture at times, and their panic rational shit faces who are overweight and dressed in clothes like things I am not saying. The worst thing of all is, I know this is doable, with a bit of care taking, yet I still have the issue of I need help and I don't know where to find it besides with friends, which sucks tremendously. Talking to my mother what I have to tell her to communicate with me is so fking horrendous, she can't speak as she only gaslites and she does not understand she just fking inflicts pain to make "TRUTH" real, because that is her reality, due to whatever fking reason. I don't like it, I don't like it how I grew up and how I have to cope to exists and having it beign taken so often, without it beign my direct fault. Also beign emotional as a man, beign shamed for this subtely all of this all of this bullshit and drama I don't like to create and that is there etc. etc. etc. etc. I just stop here, I wish I could get proper help, yet it all just costs money and I feel my future has been fked by so many things I can't put it into words even the subtle hopes I had so much fear, idk what to say. I don't know how to solve these patterns besides starting early, and I don't enjoy dealing with positive socital reinforcement etc. I wish humans would generally just shut their mouth, I don't know if this is a male thing, yet I dunno it's just some social things I know I run into a burn out, due to me beign reckless and risk taking and negating so many stuff, I'll get isolated etc. It really all depends etc. I just wish I could have done some music and or some type of therapy that way that would help me endlessly more than anything else, even consdering the memed generational trauma, how much "terror" I experience and fuck faces make fun of it, it seriously is a deep seated hatred for glee. That I would like to express I dunno what to do quiet frankly with the materalism and money centric attitude I become such an arrogant narccist you would not fking believe it due to this if I would just embrace the toxicity etc. It's very painful & I don't really know what I can do, I did the mistake of having routines break due to subtelties, where I had control, people then generally wonder what is wrong, and I tell them and they still don't really comprehend. I don't think anyone besides my old psychotherapist gave me a feeling of feeling loved because of these issues etc. Also even then I sabotage myself so I don't know, without exercise and beign in some sports team I don't have proper contemplation tools I feel like & work etc. also having this dysfunctional family generally as emotional "Rückhalt" is absolutely not possible, they gaslite and say I blame while they blame etc. It's such a emotional shit house of fking whinery and lamenting subtely I hated every fking god damn uttering of this piss shit. I know why girls have been terrorized when I see how I grew up only with girls, it's so fking disgusting from a hardcore male perspective and the balance stuff, I just can't find a foothold with all the excessive bullshit and the excessive adapation of normalizy also. I just dunno music is really the only thing that helps me at times. Especially loosing my mind helps me. I don't know why, yet it is that way.

Don't feel to well with the excessive fitness culture globally & in online-Dating apps, then seeing fat disgusting neighbor so often and girls lying about weight etc. I don't enjoy it to see her for one second the subcurrent of racist toxicity due to health is disgusting as fuck. I notice this everytime I act more healthy and this ant runs around in the house. I am sorry to type this, yet it's an annoying pattern to feel, due to the subtle abuse of my health, when I am conscious and took care of my health. I struggle with the subtle racist notions of such people and feel it. It's to big of a task to ask for and any healthy human does not evoke these patterns. She is also an extrem Manifestation of subtle gaslighting with innocence to keep and claim power & she would deny it. Radical honesty is also tricky as hell. I lived a bit I unhealthy today & I don't enjoy some stuff, especially the dating experience butchered due to injury. How many men simple get results due to taking care etc. 90% don't even do that. I am still massively jaded due to this and it takes a lot of joy from me, operation yes or no it does not change much. There are so many unique individual cases, so it does not matter as much. What I don't enjoy is how there barely are any men who are teaching masculinity and I can't provide it as much, as I internally have more of it. I just know it & feel it. Many guys I meet even if they claim they are masculine, especially here they don't have this (stronger balance) it often feels quiet nihilistic etc. I don't enjoy how stuck I feel seeing fat landlord and children. The energy it takes to move to even find a place with new stuff, it would not be as bad. Model girl did not reply, I did not go into her interest as I feel so abused listening to people being gaslight by fuck assholes and n*word loving piss faces. There is only a few people I go by type where I feel listened to, and she was one of these, yet due to these subtelties I might f*ed it up and piss face would give advice when not asked for. The gym here is also not that healthy guys wise, it's a bunch of humans doing inner child things. It's okay, yet it barely is the same when black ppl are around. I notice this heavily, I miss there American sort of fitness maturity in contrast to German money copying of whatever America is doing. Few ones are real, most are not that systematic & interested in depth. I dunno out for now

Work was odd today, I meditate once and I fix a problem just by working towards excellence a bit more... yeah.... yeah.... and tripple yeah..... Wrote a post that got lost, prime minister of india apparently does yoga? How all of this started with me ... conscious politics.... conscious decision making etc. It's all a little different idk what to say and do it's very contradictory. I just do the opposite of what is expected at times more hopefully & at best. Even the mistakes I make are more conscious. That's very odd to describe.

This includes actualized.org & to much excitement chasing even in music etc. Using it all a tad more conscious. Did intentions & gratitude journaling also, which is just fantastic. In stark contrast to posting here to get stage orange needs met, the observation of the need itself can extinguish the need, more deeply than the acting out and also deepening it. Still there is culture. What is wise about culture itself?

Also staying of social media channels generally speaking does a lot of good, just when there is to much survival news it feels good to watch some weird & funny stuff.

Did the first 54 min meditation in years, I notice the excess shadow culture of America of FOMO of fun with money & experiences that money bring and provide and showing it to the world as incentive, I don't think it's wrong, yet I don't enjoy the anti-holism deeply within this, even when you come from a holistic fully developed place, it's not what I am currently looking for. If I had the priviledge to meet lust desires so fast and intensely, I would go into this, yet this reminds me more of phonk music type of commercials, I dive into this percevied depth, yet it is not depth it's lust experience consciously, called depth. Which is true, yet again heavy domination cycle, it's not love. Clearly...

I'll slowly move away from this .org & all people associated with this very deeply I am a deep introvert. I never wanted to join this place originally, I was just lurking. Deleted s1 I associated with this place it's a deeply painful notion & clearly shows the excess culture of America in a way. It's to much purple hogwash. I don't even enjoy it besides Roman gods etc. & Greeks...

On my phone the girl did not reply, yet another one. Generally, it would be good to detach a bit from technology, yet I don't know how addicted I became and due to the online toxicity, how much I blocked myself from going after goals. I currently don't feel like I can enjoy conscious living due to very very subtle and sneaky pull that seems to heavy for me of survival from my surroundings, it was worse, yet the very end of it etc.... I am not good with these type of gaslighting compliments & dog type compliments of giving them to someone when they expect you to, I feel empty and manipulated then, also when people give you compliments when you don't want them out of manipulative reasons etc. I feel this pain deeply in my chest bone and it's like there is an evil pull towards this. I notice how being deeply conscious is very painful, very very painful to go about this and not quit. Smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol etc. Only to fill a void that is whole and becomes whole again even when it's unsettled? I felt today for the first time... a direct conscious connection to the outer world similar to my merging experience & the deep painful truth. I currently notice how painful it is to me get go after deep skill development & due to wanting it faster etc. I ran into troubles, yet I could have made it. I did to many things at once and I knew it and could not reduce it etc. I quiet frankly still feel, the issue of skill it's better to focus on consciousness & wisdom as this is pragmatic for me, when I am drunk that is wisdom & consciousness, when I am talking to girls that is wisdom & consciousness. I never needed motivation, yet deep healing & connection towards consciounes, & deep healing also often comes in beauty & holism. I also don't know why so many Arab girls like me, it has to be partially because of D.N.A & historical connections, I'd wonder if Jewish girls would like me simply because of aesthetics & history?? I currently notice for me there is no type, all girls like me there is no preference of any sort, like Asian girl responds to me well etc. It is legit all. What I simply notice is I just vibe generally with girls who have a personality & character that as a pinch??? Of naturalness especially with connection to nature it makes me feel more whole and at ease & ironically provides a deep security I don't think any men can provide as holistically it's odd. Yeah... I was not as talkative due to triggers and I might tell all dates I need a lot of alone time to process stuff at times & also directlz state my needs etc. Right now I am just, glad when I wake up & soon ish get back into purr skill development out of fun & interest in depth, being able to build and getting some recognition this is ironically one of the most orange typical drives I have I crave sort of recognition for creative and excellent work, while at the same time I feel self-expression so deeply. I also feel a deeply wounded child that would have loved to experience more nuturing strength, like I do when I exercise & deeply can get in touch with the masculine a deep provision that just gives & let's go. I've never been a people pleaser really, it's ironically the people who do that and project it often, while I might act needy if I am critical to get my needs met at times. All I can say bout this... there is also a huge vanity & ego clash with being excellent and world class eittgive me my recognition and praise me as genius. Sometimes people subtely did this, which I dunno was good, yet it made me feel whole at times. I don't know what this spirit is,yet even now it's like a deep intuitive joy. I really struggled with pain a lot in a life of mine & the notion of misunderstood, which is victimhood immensely, yet it pained me how often I am right at times about the bigger things. Nobody often sees these connections due to survival and lust being a priority mostly. Yeah, I just currently don't enjoy any explicating to others and "enlightening" others I share so much freely, I hope people can use the good energy somehow. What I don't like currently is, how much I've been gaslighting myself & been gaslit by people due to a natural very high openness to love & empathy & innocence as a child, I never connected these notions, they seemed so painful and self-inflicted I did not see why you'd torture yourself with negative talk, blaming, lamenting about lamenting & calling this social. It's one of the most bitter stuff possible I don't know why they did it so often. Anyway I am very sleepy gn8. Sending some love from the other end of this phone ♥️♥️ Also my birthstone apparently is pearl & some odd thing I can't even pronounce (imagining logic line)