ValiantSalvatore

I took a shower for today... amazing.... I don't like the subcurrent of the story Leo spun, I also feel more good energy, I could also stop again with the coffee completely. I put it away or even throw the machine away and just drink tea.... I did so much work not drinking coffee, yet I get a cognitive edge that is immense drinking it... I dunno why that is that way, yet I dunno. I just don't most likely can deal with any substances properly. When I am calm I am like god.

i could also care more about energy...

I also don't know how to properly keep my word due to how I barely had any help in testing my limits and I have unrecognized giftedness and un"potentiated".... it's not good if I can't talk for a couple of hours, I never needed this. It's better to also not do any cannabis anymore, it's a huge distraction. For me seeing this nihilistic nazi culture depending on their family for love like nazis is nasty. I will go to the doctor also tomorrow I barely can find anyone who can help me properly and due to nazi diagnosis there is close to 0 trust in science etc. As I don't have anything it's just extreme life experiences that create these circumstances etc. I hope my meditation today will fix this ... I don't enjoy how life has been turning out recently, as I gave myself up due to all the negativity etc. and just not finding strength... I will report my 1h session and do my best to create better circumstance, I will msot likely bare handed kill a man if he fucks with me at certain parts of my life or knife the person down at one point. I lost all my inspirations later more...

I hope I can document most of the hard work here, and get rid of some toxic influences, yet it's pretty bad how hard materalism hits. So again I use this as an accountability structure I definitely need to talk at one point etc.

I could do more of what worked in the past.... hard work... silence.... and reflection....

I talked to my mother, that was good I generally experience a lot of shame, I notice people who experience a lot of shame need a lot of communication generally, they just feel things more most likely.... anyway, I do more of what I got to do, and if people hate me fuck them, if people pull me down fuck them even more, if people steal energy from me fuck you till your karma fucks you. Just fuck you generally speaking if you're against me and not helping me even if you don't know, how at least have the level of respect to SHUT UP!!! Thank you.

Truth is okay if it contains knowledge for me.

I dunno maybe I should take knowledge as a value again to take the pain more in, knowledge, truth, mastery, consciouness, wisdom, love, fun instead of passion I am not a very passionate human.

I stopped with the 1h, as I became so toxic somehow & still maybe it's simply the path....

The issue with most people who think they are right are the ones who are negative and wrong. Truth is nothing comes easy, and most decisions don't work linear. Academia is still worth it, it's more the humans and students who are the nasty pieces existing there. Also state chasing.... is close to gone thanks to me beign unable to do the type of exercises anymore, so I never noticed how much these high states helped me in staying motivating. It was not really state chasing more state striving.

I don't really know how to go about my egoic cravings as they are more exhausting than a conscious lifestyle. Yet, I still notice how the enemy distorts me... I could write more about this, this includes Leo's hating on buddhist it's drama he is denying. No buddhist ever claims he's free of suffering when questioned with torture... I dunno I don't think he can lead anyone. I'll call my mother soon.

I felt also they were fking envious, as they lacked the intuitive grasping especially the logical type of people were super envious and made everything about work ... they never appreciated the process imo-. like never...

I often felt my spiritual practice was so strong, others legit tore me down, as I did not have so many materalistic cravings besides beauty & sex. I dunno....

I currently don't know what to do, the only thing that properly wakes me up is sexual activity.... I had a dream in fact multiple dreams today. I can only recall one at the moment. We played soccer in an non-existing town, I would associate with another dream I had recently, and it was 7 friends 4 by which I can count their name of. My best friend made the comment as everyone was complimenting him on beign so good as a "striker" yeah that is why I played as a defender ironically. I don't know what that dream symbolized, yet when I was briefly awake I was happy well... at least I can play soccer in my dreams, and I felt good. As I did not have any injury and the body-awareness that I have now was the body awareness I had while playing soccer, just without the injury. Another friend told me about a drug, I am not paraprhasingngngn what he said, yet he told me it was new, he did it in such a way only he did and I am not friends with this guy in real life anymore. I thought multiple times about deleting my actualized.org account before briefly having sexual contact, due to how Hurensöhnig this website ist Veranalagt and it's the absolute truth. so much sex/lust/desire is associated mostly positively as just now, and negatively about addiction in a sense, and I cant stop. This is it for now. I don't feel well.

Also these fuck faces neither speak English nor German properly a few gifted individuals, yet how much effort it takes. 90% of people simply choose good as option and speak Less. Which is wise in a sense...

It's not as bad, yet it hurts me personally. I don't like the fear-based job Marketing Panic I feel it left it's marks tremendously, they could be more neutral and nuanced about it. I don't feel like I can be at a peak anymore physically and I can just give that up entirely. I was so childish years ago, yet also so unsatisfied with my life choices even before. For me to not be in a very good environment from the get go was extremely difficult, if I would not be so sensetove to it I would not complain, yet for me. I still have difficulties enjoying the tech lifestyle as I feel like money and skill is everything fast shiny cars and control. I don't feel love and moving into this energy every morning I lost a lot of will to exist. I still have tons of positive news, yet tbh I was hoping for a better dating experience, yet I don't enjoy it anymore learning how unenjoyable most girls are, they are no better than this energy of they are no better. It's not as enjoyable how many only care about your survival paradigm and I don't find as much strength in the conscious option. I have a cool topic to work on at work. I just don't enjoy anymore the depth of tech without the deep stage red & going into that, beign cool and edgy. I don't judge it as much when lived highly conscious like some Keanu reeves style stuff. Yet what happened is simply beyond for me. I could have been the coolest cat at uni, yet now it's for me just hey hey hey I hope I don't pull a gun to my fling head. When I see how addicted I have become to all the stimulation to keep this depressing survival animal drive and energy of the whole country out. At uni it's not as bad, yet I don't go there at times. I still wish I would not exist at times even as a consciousness just gone. My sex drive is also super high and I used to channel this energy more into my heart space, take cold showers and deal more with the energetic quality of life. I knew this was the hard way, yet I learned so much doing this in China I never thought it would stop. I have so many fears because of German subtle perfectionist abusing dumb culture. I don't sit at my second desk at times as I fear making the floor bad and stuff like this. I don't like "quality" out of stupidity..... I don't fell well in terms of exercise and simply my issues with strength. For me personally O defied so many odds O whish someone would just kill me at times. Nobody gets these connections and I barely see any love outside only lust, and fuckery, fuck 10 girls at a rave good vibes. Passionately loved girl at a reggaeton good vibes. I seriously fked my life and I don't enjoy the rightous fuckness attitude of people it makes me want to end either their or my existence at one point and fking hate rightous people. Biggest liars I have seen. My mother also changed so much for the good it's so weird... Ich will momentan auch nichts mehr mit Deutschland zu tun haben dieses Land ist für mich eine kaltherzige Schlampe die wild von Hunden gebumst wurde. Sehr grob ausgedrückt die unkreative Dummheit und Arrogant Leute auf Verdienst und Besitztum zu versklaven ist so wiederlich. Die subtile Familienorientiertheit und Introvertiertheit macht ein Zusammenleben, ohne Planning fast unmöglich mit anderen. Niemand übernimmt vor allem junge Leute die Verantwortung über Deutschlands Vergangenheit, Hauptsache vergessen und verstecken, bei Familie jedoch Menschen einladen und Gastfreundschaft ist seit Corona gestorben. Wetter und Panik die einzigen Themen und der Erfolg zum Überleben. Es ist räudig? Wie sehr das sozial Leben von der extrovertierheit der Ausländer, als auch einigen wenigen Deutschen dann doch gilt, die introvertierte Gruppen bringen wenig soziale Erfüllung ggf. für den Deutschen mit Familie und Geschwister der nicht auf dem Dorf lebt... Es ist für mich schwierig als Amerikaner die soziale ignoranz von Orientierungslosen und Führungsschachen Nation zu sehen. Die deutschen wundern sich über Trump und hatten selbst Hitler? Warum? Angst und Scham. Selbes Spiel fast. Ich weiß nicht, ob ich jemals eine inspirierende deutsche Person gefunden habe die nicht Mathematiker oder intellektuell war. Diese ln Leuten fehlt es generell heute an einem kreativen Zeitgeist... vieles ist extrem stereotypisch in einem kollektiven Individualismus ausgedrückt, man erkennt jedes Gesprächsthema anhand dessen. .... Versteht das jemand? Nein, sieht jemand die Verbindung?? Ggf. Ja.... es ist traurig für mich wie schwach dieses Land ist und die Welt. Es ist für mich neu dies so zu erkennen und ich mag es nicht, dass wenige Menschen meißt Auswanderer wirklich stärke bewiesen haben. Eigentlich alle sind sie Deutsch jedoch möchten wenige vor allem jüngere Menschen in Deutschland leben. Es ist okay, jedoch bei mehr teifgründigeren Fragen, keiner will hier richtig Leben. Ansicht ist es schön hier ich vermisse die wärme von Deutschland/Europe als "Nation" und Inspirationen für ein bewusstes und friedvolles leben.... zu sehen das Menschen hier sind wo schwul sein die Todesstrafe in dem Land verhängt ist wie SAUDI-ARABIEN oder den extremen Nepotismus von Muslimen macht es unangenehm als schwarze Person da diese niemanden helfen. Wirklich niemanden außer sich selbst. Noch keine andere Erfahrung hierzu gemacht. Ich finde diese Leute noch schwächer als Deutsche da diese wenigstens zugeben können schwach zu sein und ich einfach mehr Liebe, Freiheit und Freundschaft selbst hier dann finde. Die Offenheit und Verletzlichkeit Deutschlands offen zu sein hat mir persönlich geholfen mehr Seelenfrieden zu finden wie Erfolg und harte Arbeit. Ich hoffe das "animal Deutschland" ausstirbt und etwas mehr Menschlichkeit entsteht. Rücksicht, Nachsicht Unterstützung, Cheerleading, positivity und Liebe... I thought to myself today of the wisdom of the old and how often they thought iirc missing out to say to people that you love them more was one of the biggest regrets they had... I agree.... I wish I could tell my friends I love them more and hug them more the same goes for my family and even I partner if I had one... this gives me a lot of strength, yet beign open to all these strong emotions is also not easy... I know that I still love them deep inside me.... Even here... even if I decide to kill myself I still love most of you if you're not some compensating Andrew Tate fucker, yet deep down I feel so sorry for them... I love them also as they are so dumb to me I just feel sorry for them. Even dead my existence has more love and joy... anyway... I am gone... sleeping...

When I go into the gym I can make extra preperations and the trainers are not as good. I simply forgot to move to the university at times... and study there... I was so exhausted from all the train catching and uncertainity of work, at the beginning and false promises I made I knew I was going to break because they are stupid.... and not effectively compassionate.... and this can cost image etc. It's a bit annoying... yet I knew it ....

When I go running my scar and my knee can hurt, where I am exhausted as fuck, and I sleep for like 10h.

I dunno what ever to say anymore. I wish some information would've come sooner like that with the substance abuse, from my father as I did not know that I just thought he was addicted to nicotine. For me to even be this vulnerable is not easy & I don't like the vulnerable people I've meet over this site, it's been bothering me. Only one person from India who was extremely kind, who I talked to here. I just don't find the loss of strength easy, I just see how strongly the physical and the mental is connected, even with almost perfect nutrition, I dunno. Especially the intellectual sort of mental or knowlege type stress exercise was the best remedy. Yet now I am just sort of at a give up level. I don't know how to get out of it. It has become sort of a new hell. It's all extremely connected so I don't know how to entagnle this b.s / untangle or we.

I have a true issue dealing with pain, and I just ruined the biggest opportunity in my life possibly, all of this shit that happend offline and even with actualized.org caused me massive issues I found no one to ask for help with, they don't comprehend and Leo is extremely fking slow in banning toxic people, everytime I log into the fking game I am playing a see a list of reports of who is toxic, the level of subtle ignorance the guy has in moderating this place makes it a horrible experience for those who are more earnest, and willing to take on the pain. This is the nasty type corruption I am also facing in my life nepotism and faovritism based on ethnicity and nationality. I forgot at times I am legit speaking to these people by typing comments etc. I don't enjoy how nihilistic this place can feel, it's at times a lot of non-meaningful connection and politics is an extremely bad topic. I dunno I found more solace listening to this, my life has been so fked and things turned out well... it sucks currently I wish still someone would point a gun to my head and make me go puff, gone. simply gone. People who I'd like to ask for help are unavailable, I wanted to get coaching from Leo so bad, yet gone. I dunno most of this stuff sucks at times. but it is what it is they all want me to lead fking alone and be one powerful blACK HUMAN

I have a true issue with the toxicity and lashing out against toxic people it's one of my favorite things to do. I don't know why as it's just emotional manipulative logical and wannabe logical dominance, I don't like it, but it's there das Wort Überlegenheit would describe it well & put others down like these trash pua 's rich & poor alike. So fking hateful to see this. Also with the subtle level of corruption at times I feel like I could get a panic attack, as I am just so forced into overpreparement I fking hate it.

I will still do shadow work here, and today is the weekend, as I still associated this place with more negativity besides this journal, because past did happen, it's a very good reminder. I noticed how toxic the mindframe I have towards Leo in general, and I noticed that associating this place only for Lust is better, this place is as loveless as you can possibly experience it, as the human emotion of love is ridiculed mostly, anything metaphysical is ridiculed subtely, only lust somehow counts. & The re-frame of desire. 3-2-1 shadow work It feels like there is a deep triggering to pain when I achieve more in life It feels like there is a deep lustful desire not beign expressed at beign succesful and the pain and isolation and feelings of beign a looser to accept this It feels like there are people who never experienced it to be a looser, and I never did personally, yet I somehow get put into this position even though everybody believes I am a winner, so only people who abuse vulnerabillity trigger me It feels like people who abuse vulnerabillity trigger me, ( I bet I do this to some extend to the Leo guy ) It feels like there is a deep missconnection based on the notion that I remember a lot more emotionally than most people, hence some gaslighting etc. It feels like there is a huge fear of beign succesful due to the feeling of beign a looser for a time, and that I am unable to see this as overcoming period It feels like there is a deep pain in interacting with others when I become succesful and that pain is growth? We are keeping this very brief, as I did not have that much triggering stuff, it's mostly the practical pain and the schadenfreude associated with it instead of seeing it as katharsis. Bruh, I watched Hitler yesterday and felt more clean than anything it's somehow a deep terror cleansing in your body, and I don't know wtf was up with that, it was a documentary, I felt so whole as it was a vision etc. What are you showing me? You're seeing holism in order, that is fine, even if it's Hitler, you generally feel whole regardless as long as a place looks rich & whole you feel whole. So you're telling me I can feel rich and whole, did you notice everytime people see you as a looser afterwards you feel rich & whole? Yes, I do notice this besides when they focus on this perfection part because of yeah mother = nothing is perfect denial of perfection itself had been bothering me for eons, now it's over. What now? Well.... you could start seeing that your love giving is not a looser thing to do, it's pure empathy, yet why do I still go away from logical people? Because they still confuse love with lust, like love/lust must mean = sex, to most of them they just associate it with that, and then tease, as it's a practical logical thing to do. Ah I see, great shadow we are keeping this short, you notice and I notice being here less is better, for me Leo lost vision about the logical and practical aspects of LIFE and not survival to face death, this is what I don't like facing death is an extrem notion in our culture, best only expressed in art and talked about in art. I don't vibe with it, I face death in smaller things, and here things are beign put into "HARDCORE" and sometimes just core is hardcore enough. Well, what gift are you sharing? You solving problems sitting for hours mourning over solutions going after people, asking questions and becoming succesful, is you becoming a superior man & succesful, you notice how important this is and you feel the drain many white people have on you, when you see them beign white. So, notice that this logical and practical pain is them giving their best not to be white, and interacting with you for your vision. Oh I see, yet they are stupid at times also. Yeah I bet. I can only tell you be more egotistical like you have been, even be toxic if needed to be ultimately what dries you into this suicidal notion is that they don't care and are slugs of death so to speak. I notice I am the one feeling suicidal when I feel no one cares I notice I am the one who feels more whole and rich beign egotistical in the black sense not the white sense I notice that I am more succesful when I can overcome practical pain and enjoy the depths of it, even when I am a looser I feel richer and more whole I am the one who feels more richer and whole beign a looser in idiots eyes who are toxic kids That is it. Doing only shadow work, mostly and doing my best to get back to peak mental health. To many toxic people who are deny to much lust etc. I am not made for this forum. I am way to crazy most likely. I would currently rather date a pornstart and onlyfans girl than any girl on any dating app and survival bickering beasts, about vacation and holidays. Give me rest. Only art & true art helps. If I could describe to good part about actualized.org It would be this in music. With a lot of love ?.

I'll make an attempt to quit actualized.org again, and mostly call my mother for some emotional solace, it has become better as she realized her gaslighting patterns and takes it seriously my aunt on the other hand omfg, burn that lesbian witch on a stake and call Andrew Tate to lead the witch hunt, gaslighting and rage are disgusting. Very unloving person funnels everything into animals this is what I also mean at times, super materalistic and upptity and then feels discriminated when someone does more than her and left out piece of shit German. Usually she is fine, yet recently she just became a giant animalstic shaming asshole. I don't blame her, yet it's been an issue in that sense I focus more on real relationships.... etc. I find it difficult to not speak with someone. My aunt has seriously been an ass in a sense, yet she does not realize this. They just also appreciate all love through gifts.... typical materalist.... = Most Germans..... She has been the only one also supportive, and I am not as toxic I belive also due to me working and also she having a bf, there is more emotional availabillity. That is good generally speaking, usually I help all relationships that have a fundment of love, and not lust & desire. Like my friend who got married fking nasty confusion at times. and envy fking yikes. Also this positive energy stuff in the morning, I don't feel to well and I can't eat 90 apples per day to feel good, I am out for now completely... I'll add this also.... I find it difficult to calm down at times.

I would need a decade break at a monastary to get out of this shit with a psychologist highly trained.

Culutral sphere in Germany for black ppl is also shit, I don't enjoy the indiviudal average consensus, only with some. It's odd. I don't like it. Also barely anyone who likes jazz or stuff like this horrible ppl. Shame on them for shit culture.