ValiantSalvatore

What I created and yearned to create was to good, and it was honest, the point is life tested me very very hard, and I fumbled somewhat. I don't think for example the "priviledge" to learn highly technical things is something I could fully embrace and not flaunt also, there was this subtle tech show-offy feel in me & still is to some extend I notice this. Especially, as the university stuff is so far-fetched if you don't get into the real working experience of this and I miss that hardcore techcrunch and having it lived, like building your own company, in a science lab etc. Right now stuff is just random. Made the restructuing with the gym-buddy the issue with 9w1's is you pull them most of the time and they don't lead enough. I sort of have to see more sweetness in this pain, I don't know how else to do this, it's odd when you're consciously ironic? I dunno how to describe that emotion with pain it feels great, and not as karmic as Schadenfreude/gloat, yet it's more kathartic like actual Freude, like very healthy self-irony laugther you're just full of that subtle sour feeling. Just to notice how I've spent my time, I could look for more internal stuff, yet to notice the behaviourism and subtle b.s involving this is not good, as you're just performing the deep value assesments from the LP work, even when I have knowledge & wisdom combined I sort of get "auto" as a result, it's not either or, it's both only. Also.... what I can say for now is this, I don't know if leadership could make me happy in Germany, as a value it's more management that I'd enjoy somehow with these people, as they love to argue and be right and are just very very dumb about this. I make generalizations, yet this is specfici to me. Also when I take care more of this I can enjoy the merit of exellent work, I could watch this Wilber stuff also again, and I notice just working and beign more structurally has an immense fullfilment in itself .... anyway the issue is spontaneity etc. Like when I did the small game things shit is super super fast, I hope I can do this again with the guy, yet this is all jumping from opprotunity from red, it's at times quiet crunchy and exhausting for the long-haul etc. I just did the mistake of sort of not trusting the process and keeping up the processes due to I believe personally not very good morning routines, the early morning set the tone for errthing. I missed 10 years of my life not beign an early bird legit, yet I had not good parenting to do this is hardcorely...

I was also subtely toxic, yet the expect stuff that was not said, and then just recall different information, with an INTP we won't have that issue like not in a billion years. It's odd seeing this, as I have to extra accomadate stuff they think differently based on identity also where they generate ideas from, I certainly was an ass, yet this is something I feel more pain than usual about the German identity, it feels extremely heavy to me to consider what as far as I know even none of my great grandparents did, I can't imagine my great grandpa fighting in the second world war, yet he died relatively young, I believe all my grandparents died in their 70-80's as far as I know, I most likely have better health conditions then them and would guess currently I could go to 88 years, just by guessing. I dunno for me most likely heart health will be a huge topic, just going by intuition about my health, as I feel a lot of stuff and stuff get's emotional. Then most likely brain health and random stuff that can just occure based on genetics. Otherwise, office politics is not that great and I subtely sabotage, I don't know why, yet it's mostly has to do with unfillment in relationships, I dunno maybe I am expecting to much, yet tbh they underestimat shit so often, it has been bothering me, when you meet "real ones" who know how much work and effort it takes you're like fk this will be hard, and not "oh but now & again oh but now aber I fight for my Suwival...." That is something I don't enjoy as much, and some stuff could just be stated clearly, I am not great I notice working with non-asian girls??? I dunno I find with white ppl at times and white girls they subtely abuse power and more americanized and westernized asian girls abuse power for their own gain and act subtely very disparagingly racistly, men do this less "overtly", yet behind close doors in man groups often, to keep face. I saw this in the PUA group the most toxic even beyond toxic of the european easterners were asian guys in that particular group. Oh an indians somehow, but they just don't care they are also by far the most racist people I have ever encountered, it's stupid beyond humanly possibly stupid. This is why I like Sadghuru so much he is not like the other indians who are just toxic nazi mechanics sort of. The social discourse in contrast to China is also very rough imo... I know this is sort of rough what I am saying, yet there is a clear difference in "class.../professioanlism" when you meet more genuien people from India, which I miss a bit. I dunno I would still visit the country, as I generally love people... At times these negative experiences when I don't do the 3:1 thingy... does not correspond to well. Also focusing on exellence is just better when I do the work. Especially, morning meditation to make that again the biggest joy of my life etc. I notice how well I could've skilled myself the job marketing is by far the biggest corruption industry I've possibly seen and the marketing due to the issue of human fantasy and status and prestige glorification.

Let's see for example I did 4h of work today, and worked definitely with more excellence, I did 3 additional hours and did one large break, just to see how the others will work. I do this often, as I don't like it how this 9w1 girl subtely stole merit, yet I should not make an enemy out of her, it's just different processing and she does not realize some most likely co-dependent stuff. I also notice through valuing knowledge I can appreciate and cherish though love more. I also notice for my love of gaming I need like a 5-10k PC, I think through beign able to be HSP and not beign gaslit I get into some serious states, that I miss during workout pushing myself, yet my equipment keeps bugging at minor things. Like my screen tearing when I move my mouse up even when I don't have a second monitor connected anymore. As well as my fps not beign at 240hz stabely, when I have a 240 ips monitor and very good eye, the point of beign a HSP with this VGP stuff, you can also claim trauma to make it the liberal healthcase, is extremely strong subtely to share state, yet for some it has to be deeper etc. It's odd realizing this. Another thing is also the e-campus thingy the company have are just standard udemy courses, so I see the connection more of the tech marketing beign the real global unbiased player in a sense, if you're interested to get into tech, I was personally aiming to create more a brand out of these scence, yet I notice also the subtle impriosonment of it. It's for me very important to speak to others to get a balance of exellence and perfectionism. For me contrast is not comparision, yet people make it an ego and call it comparision to get the sense of self-worth from it. That is mostly it for now.

I do have to see I do enjoy doing excellent work, yet I do a lot more then, which is not easy to stomach at times, due to how subtel other stuff is, with higher consciouness, though stuff should fix itself. I am not as "intutive" if there is any intuition about this in terms of beign practical, it's often to much is missing, and I was again correct in the big picture. Like 90% of the time.

I came to late, these calls are also an issue if there are not more than 2 ppl, as people manipulate subtely as fuck, I could write ages again, about this and AGAIN it#s 9w1... it's all not to bad. Yet they lack in generating clarity generally speaking and are to practical

Did 15 minutes of meditation approx. I am grateful to not be a hateful and fundamentally hateful creature, I know hate is a temporary emotion like any ohter I am grateful that I am not gaslighting others I am grateful that I am less toxic day by day I am grateful that I feel rich and abundant when I am grateful I am thankful I am finding more mental strength working in the tech world I am thankful that I can let go of past pains

I think overall I became more used to this tech crunch feeling & I think I can handle it more excellently I just have to give into the vanity of some stuff?? I dunno it's triggering at times.

Finding it tricky to find the right kind of motivation, due to not vibing a lot with the forum I believe 99.9% of this forum are stupid. It's incredbile the level of subtle arrogance of people who have never done extremely high intellectual work and think they are advanced, as well as the pragmatism is run in such deep skeptecism instead of alternative based positivity. I know why I like AOC vibe generally speaking, yet this is missing here positive rebelion against stuff not aligning with the devils. I am currently giving my best to attune my nervous system to more chill vibes with music, and generally speaking consider talking to the new psychotherapist then, and not engaging with the "real ones" where I don't vibe to much with. Leo I could vibe with, as I would annoy him, for example and this is like a big brother dynamic I could stomach. Generally speaking it's better that I can get into a deep groove and speak with the psychotherapist as I abrely would be home when I do this.

The videos from Ralph really helped me. I find it tricky, I hope I can meet the other half&half girl and I sleep with her etc. The model is somehow gone she posted stuff and seems to be mostly in recovery. I don't know if I still have the energy to do game. It was never part of my lp & all was supposed to be more organically social. Like working & going out etc. Just beign social 90% of the time. I hope the new job thingy will turn out well. I don't know how to deal with the reduction of hardcore and doing slow is fast. Meditation here is the best teacher. I am most likely super-slow to others who do not meditate, yet they are not consistently processing sensory experience and tasting subtle consciousness or intuitions etc. Creative & flow state sparks, yet not the outlines of consciousness etc. Or samskaras

I noticed the practice directly I just walked to the office and the doctor said hi, I fundamentally have a lot of synchronistic experiences. I just don't currently feel the joy of pursuing the LP I order some LSD... & will get some therapy, yet I will stay clear of the people who do therapy, this is mostly just the emotional support. The story I told the doctor today is half true & half bullshit. So I dunno. What bothers me is how fast time goes by and how inept I was in being the person I'd love to be hearing motivational stuff is great, yet I stay clear of the whites who suck on this and generate this from ego. My ego has been bothering me today and I hope I find a vision through the LSD stuff & Gym as a priority, but with psychotherapy the loss in hedonic options is for me the biggest obstacle. Many other things too. I don't enjoy cooking, eating and cleaning & working etc. I feel I burn-out without a proper "hard-reward" running, spontaneous exercise vigorous etc. The doctor was an extremely kind guy an actual 6w5 with melancholy temperament or choleric mix I dunno. He would've used the knowledge to help etc. Yet at the end... Ta-Da! We would've talked about women & family etc. I just appreciated that interaction and I struggle with the integration of the Turkish culture here & more half/half friends help me more to cross that bridge. Which is good. I don't quiet know, if this will work as it should, yet I am glad my mother is supporting me and she recognized her gaslighting behavior and stops it entirely. This is extremely good as she as a shaming nature to get rid of her anger. I've sort of have come to grips also with the issue of strength, creating mental strength. I hope this will work talking to the therapist, as it's better than friends. It's not good, yet doing stuff with me can backfire as I experience things in 10-15x, in terms of emotional intensity. Especially when I am supposed to be open to it and I can open & be open to it. Yeah, I dunno listening to Ralph Smart helps me the level of enthusiasm and energy is unmatched and I've missed this spark for a while. I don't enjoy the hyper=black=depth stuff at times. Although I dunno maybe there just is a kernel of truth here. I do think still Germany as a whole is searching it's identity. Even as part of the globe... what I can say is pursuing goals with joy and stuff like this I hopefully can work with the psychotherapist. A coach most likely is to lazy and involved at the same time which I don't enjoy, it's tricky to get help if you like autonomy etc.

I meditated for 50 minutes today again watching this video and others also. My meditation practice is not as deep yet. So I resorted to watching videos again. Gratitude Journal: I am grateful for nature and animals appearing at my door step more often I am grateful to not deal with autistic people as they can be seriously toxic emotionally, due to heavy negation of it a I am grateful for my mother support me even when I don't do as well as I believed I will I am grateful for the new company giving me bigger opportunities to get and become better at my work and craft I am grateful to learn from successes and mistakes a like and generally be more chill I am grateful for girls who can evoke the lust emotion in me and how enjoy sexy time

I dunno how many breaktdowns I've had and I came out stronger, at times I say sick shit, as I sort of break down at how fucked the world is at times. Yet, I got into to much negativity and excitement seeking.

Also with all the softer/normie psychdelics I did they are only as damaging as I let them be. I'll most likely do them, again soon. I hope everything will workout, I am sort of neglecting the material maturity a lot I hope I can speak with the psychotherapist then more about this. I will hire her again, and this time hopefully less worries about money etc.... & she can help me I bet to some extend to to having an economics phd to do stuff ethically and not fall into the trend of homesteading, I don't like my entire life beign run by survival and growing my own autonomey for me autonomey means that I don't have to do activity x like growing food or w/e. Some stuff is more for hobbies etc. Like I would like to grow a weed plant etc.

My issue is more with materalistic cravings and ego, I might can work with her on that. The other one was delusional omfg, please shoot me when I see her again. Regressive green going purple. For science like please maybe in 3 generations.

I'll also make an appointment at best with the other psychotherapist that helped me, generally to have someone like this is good for me. I am to advanced and want to do advanced stuff. I need some different perspective of someone where I can feel save, she was pretty good and has a phd is business and must've been very attractive young and is drawn to the spiritual, yet has no experience so far as I can tell, yet that is good as long as she has an intutive grasp it's better than most. Who just claim it etc. and then new age narc shit happens etc. I don't want this to happen again.

One girl posted some moves as she is a hip-hop dance class teacher with whom I've wanted to meet, yet currently I feel so odd, due to how much analysis I've made and was improving and letting myself be pulled down by people who are anti-analysis in that sense, of just reflection it's to much for them. Anway.... unsure what to do about this consciouness thing, the more I meditate the harder things become in my life and the more people attack ego. I just watch Ralph Smart I have no idea anymore what helps. Yet I have bigger growth, yet it's insanely painful only the morning hours first 4-6 are pain free mostly...

A bit scared because of the exam thing tomorrow.... yet it is what it is. Most people write an A on this... so I dunno I just stoped caring somehow also. I can also first access them again on 22 of september ....

The guy combined 3 sciences into his work as far as I know, bioinformatics, computer science and physics. My dream sort of, yet I would exchange physica for mathematics.... if I ever would be a scientist who is naturally that smart etc. I would never notice it till you notice the pain of intelligence.

I dunno at times I wish I could simply have more health, I'll go to the doctor tomorrow morning and just state some stuff and see what will happen... I most likely order psychdelics also, as I just don't give a damn anymore. I don't like most science guys I've meet many who are a more intuitive and "spiritual", yet they don't care about science most likely for the same reason & only the true creatives sort of make it imo. I don't think any of my professors would deny spirit, they just don't practice it and do good science, here is so much speculation i dunno seeing a real acckdkdkdkreddited scientist and contrast to here, I know why "intuition" is more important, the guy prices this so highly and creativity and refelction still was an honor for me taking one of his classes.

Let's see what this will be tomorrow, I figure that I somehow found a way to enjoy my life and be chill again, I dunno why I suddenly like the piano also, yet it is the case.

I hope I can into the spiritual depth again, and be consistent and deal with the emotional pain of this. The point of mindfulness has become an issue I am glad I don't have a definition of it, nor would I make one. I will also reduce most physical efforts and focus more on mental and mental games etc. As I can't simply take it as serious as I did, yet I can take a video game or chess serious still for example... I hope this translates also to the depth of studying etc.... & do all the success things in the morning etc.

I'll most likely also ask the new guy if he baby sits me if I ever do NN-DMT, as I just know that is the better option and he has experience with psychdelics.

I dunno I never had a person not enjoy my ideas, besides the ones who just want to make profit, the point is all the spritiual depth goes into all my ideas etc. and people just love it and like it they don't comprehend where this is coming from and me at times neither. They call it intuition while it's pure consciouness....

I personally feel my thinking with A.I is to advanced, yet my skillset is lacking immensely... yet we got some cool opportunity to fundamentally create psycho-pass for projects. Most are fundamentally stuck at orange applications I get again green/yellow minimun stuff. as it's not has hardware oriented which is good. In the end the whole world will be run by this, that is the issue of merit, giftedness and skill.

Well... I am going to the doctor tomorrow I find it also a bit inhuman to create odd circumstances etc... but okay.... this is me then...