Hi everyone,
I appreciate the content from actualized.org. I think this is the perfect place to write my issue down. Its the first time I talk about it.
Any advice is appreciated. I am sorry in advance for my bad english.
I am 30 years old and I smoked weed for the last ten years of my life on a daily basis. Every day, the whole day. The first thing I did when I woke up was hitting it, the last thing before going to sleep was hitting it. There was nearly no activity that I did sober. Every day, for like ten years.
The problem is though, that I really didn't do anything else besides smoking the herb. It went so far, that I invested all the money I had in weed. Sometimes I was 3 months late on rent. When I only got 20 bugs in my pocket I would buy weed for 15 bugs and food only for the rest of the money. My fridge was empty the whole time, I ate shit, got fat, felt like shit. I lived in my student residence alone and in dirt. Like a pathetic like fuck. This weed habit isolated me from family and former friends. I nearly lost everybody in my life who could help me get my shit together.
I just consumed pot, unaware of anything that was going on around me. I smoked while I was in college, every day, the whole day - Even between classes.
The real problems beginn now:
I was literally stoned the whole time. So I could not follow the stuff in college. I could not make any friends because of anxiety and panic attacks that I got from smoking weed on this regular basis. Everytime I wanted to talk to somebody in college I just weireded them out because of my unability to be calm. I was a nervous wreck. Nearly nobody wanted to talk to me. Which, as you can image, just got me to smoking more cannabis. Maybe to distract myself from my failed existence.
I even think that I got some mental drawbacks from this, because smoking weed is really a big stagnation: While you are stoned, you are not able to do anything productive: Not learning, not talking, not meeting new people, not having fun. Just this fucked up paranoia that holds you back from anything valueble. I was basically alone the whole time. I didnt even play some stupid online games with other people because i wasnt able to communicate with others - Nor was I able to create a bond, or a friedship, with others.
It was hell.
I hated myself and I killed this feeling of self pitty with even more smoking, the perfect vicious cycle was created. This cycle fueled my numb mind.
I was desperate, I could not learn anything in college because my mind was so fucking numb. For example: I could sit at my desk, smoke one blunt after another and couldn't even remember the stuff I just read. The work I delivered was sloppy and below average.
Everybody thought that I would just give a fuck about anything and anyone. So i was just alone. Alone with my fucked up mind and with no motivation and no power to change something.
I was devasted and didnt even really knew why. So i decided to switch college and move to another town to continue there. The fucked up part is: I basically lost those 4 years of my life, got no graduation out of this college, left with zero connections in one of the biggest german citys - but with an ass full of student loan debt. this was the secont time i switched college. but the reason was the same as the first time.
Long Story short: I graduated in my third college. Back then I was still a fucked up pothead. It was so hard for me to graduate that today I can't even comprehend how I did it. My Graduate-Work is shitty, but that doesnt matter right now. Right after my graduation I moved again to another town. I wanted to get as far away as possible.
So in my new town (where I am right now) I didn't get any contacts to any local dealers. this was one of my best decisions so far. I simply cant and will not buy weed no more.
Now I am sober for 2 months. I have never been so sober and clear in my entire life. it feels good. But there comes a mayor problem with it.
My health is getting better, I am able to communicate again on a normal level without freaking somebody out, which is nice. The first weeks without any weed were clearly hell. But beeing in a new town without nowing where to buy some really helped me.
So I basically woke up. I see the world with completly new eyes and I feel fucking ashamed that i wasted so much of my time. Sometimes I just want to cry, because the shit I rode myself into is just too overwhelming:
I am on welfare right now. I cant find a job.
Because of my lacking skills in my industrie, because of my lacking social skills. Because of my lacking connections. I feel like I am a worthless piece of junk once again. But I am sober and I dont ever want to start smoking again. (But if I would start again I wouldn be thinking about this, which would be nice, lol)
Its basically the realisation that i fucked up my own life that depresses me. This realization, or call it awareness, of this problem is so overwhelming that it just numbs me. when I start to think about my past I just want to scream and hit a wall. I hate myself for my dumb decissions I made.
Because of my lost time, because my lacking hard and soft skills, because of my shitts graduate work I cant find a job. I just dont know what to do. This all seems so fucking huge and big that i don't know where to start. TL;DR:
> smoked weed my whole adult life
> was too stoned to learn anything in college. stayed dumb and without skills.
> had massive anxiety attacks due to weed and couldn't make connections. basically alone.
> graduated with a shitty graduate-work. (dont graduate stoned)
> moved to another city and got the fist time sober and clear minded (best devision so far)
> on welfare right now
> cant find a job because of lacking skills and lackings connections. see above.
> dont now what to do
