Gladius

This week I had much time off, but I need to remind that can be counterproductive sometimes. When I have too much time in my hands, I start overthinking and getting too much screen time. That creates a loop where I'm tired and unmotivated, so I end up in the couch again with my phone next too me. This gets specially depressing when I don't have any inputs or feedback: No conversations on the phone, no replies from job applications, and no dating ongoing. Today I thought of fighting that by taking a nap, but it doesn't really help, because I'm aware that is just gonna make it difficult to sleep at night. The short-term solution for that has been to just get my ass up and do some freewriting. I wrote many pages and, surprisingly, that helped me clear my mind and get some motivation to be nice to myself. That reminds me to be aware every time I'm running out of batteries and take care of myself. The long-term solution I'm totally sure is creating a career I can enjoy, that leads to connect better with myself and other people. All the things I'm doing are aligned to that goal.

It's completely normal to feel out of balance, specially these times we're living in. Same here. Take care.

I thought I posted last sunday but it didn't appear on the journal, so here it goes again. The idea was tracking the mindset during all the week, and the outcome was positive. Even though I worked a lot of hours, I was aware of the "shadow" that tries to take over my mind every now and then. That avoided it and I was able to keep energy. However, that might be also L-Theanine kicking in. I feel also quite focused and relaxed through the day. It happened again to catch myself remembering certain details in conversation with people we were both amazed off. This week, and the next one I have many days off work. The idea was to catch up with a few errands. The first two days a did a lot of stuff, and I had some burn-out syndrome after that. I also did some applications, calls and emails, and dated a girl. Sounds quite a lot, actually. Also, since my creative projects are not making enough profit to live from that. I'm starting to wonder if studying something more "practical" so I can shift careers easier in 2021. This is a long term plan and there's no rush for it, but it's something to keep in mind. These days I'll take it easy, chilling, socializing and taking good care of myself.

@studentofthegame Many thanks, pal. I had to look up this schema therapy, and it does resonate with me. My intention is to keep monitoring if "the shadow takes over" for a couple weeks, and then look for professional help if still necessary. Actually, I'll use your reply to write more about that. Today, I've been reviewing this journal since the beginning almost 2 years ago. It has definitely changed a lot. I can see some progress in that. The pandemic has been a significant setback in terms of personal and professional development. I'm still readjusting, but I think I learned and grown quite a lot with it. However, the initial spirit of this journal has been lost. I tend to focus too much on "spiritual" work. I'm still just a man with my Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and I'm forgetting about that. After some defeats in life, I stopped trying anymore, and I lost that healthy "competitive" spirit of youth, when I was so hungry for achieving goals. Even though the goals I was chasing in my twenties made no sense (looking from today's point of view), they made me travel around the world and live experiences I'm so grateful for. This winter is still going to be all inner work and hustling. I guess it's not the best moment ever for traveling and living wild. This time will come soon though. Fasten your seatbelt, relax, and enjoy the ride.

The cycle is repeating. It's been quite stressful week at work. That means that, when I'm at home, I felt tired, depressed and lonely. In the weekend, it got worse, since I couldn't make up for it. A lot of negative thinking, resentment and victimism comes up in this situations, which just leaves me trapped on the couch. After watching the "understanding survival" video, I had one of those insights that make my brain click. It's so hard to break from my identity, I really don't want to do it. Deep inside, I want to be the same sad victim guy. Even when things might change somehow, I manage to sabotage my goals and keep being the same guy. For instance, my family tries to make up for a shitty childhood, and when they get closer to me, resentment surfaces and I shut them off. That's serving me for being stuck to my identity. My mind is constantly sending me thoughts to be mad at myself or others. It's ridiculous. Years are going by. I'm avoiding love all the time, because I never really felt it. I only chase it from unavailable people. And if by any chance it was about to happen, I end up blowing it up one way or another. And I'm afraid the self-help spyral I'm often inmersed in is not helping. I kinda knew this, but I need to remind myself over and over to let myself be happy once and for all. I can be fully functional just being aware of this. Let's keep tracking this for a week.

It's been 10 days since I attended a 2-Day Ayahuasca Retreat guided by Peruvian shamans. I'll share here the experience in case someone here is hesitating to do it. Please excuse my poor non-native english grammar. I wasn't planning to do Ayahuasca, but it had been in the back of my mind for a while. I had two weeks of holidays after the retreat days, so it was a good opportunity for me to do it and digest the experience. Two weeks prior the retreat, I started doing the vegetarian diet (99% of the time), and keeping alcohol and sex out of my life (that was easy, ehem...). That left me weak and ready for the plant to take control of my mind and my body. Day 1: We were told not to eat anything after 10am. At 12pm, everyone arrived at the retreat site. It was a group of about 20 people, most of them around 40 or 50. At 15am we had to undergo a tobacco purge. That means drinking a glass of tobacco and MANY liters of water until puking. That was a really good preparation for what had to come in the evening. The purge cleans your body and even makes emerge some memories and emotions you might have blocked. After the purge ceremony, I went to my room to keep puking and rest a bit. Thank god I rented an individual room with my own cosy bathroom! At 9pm we started the Ayahuasca ceremony. Two shamans and four assistants smoked each participant over the upper chakras. Then, the first dose was offered. During the first half hour I almost didn't notice anything, but some people started experiencing some of the effects, like crying, laughing or puking. Meanwhile, the shamans were singing songs in different languages, playing instruments and assisting people who were having a more intensive trip. Then, I started laughing at the situation: Why was I doing something like that? I felt stupid and that made me laugh even more. That's when a second dose was offered to those who were still lucid. Since I was in a good mood, I drank a second glass. I lied down and waited. What happened next is the most difficult part to explain. I had never experienced something like that, not even close. I was immediately transported to a dimension where there was no time, no space, and no body. Just some colours, in differents shapes and sizes. I thought I had been fooled by the shamans, since I expected something like a medicine that would unblock some emotions, but it was so much more. I saw every person I had talked about this retreat and had told me to take care. I felt peaceful but scared at the same time. It felt like being literally dead. Then, something clicked. Everything made sense. I saw all my life in one second and learned that reality is this way because it can't be otherwise! It was a fantastic moment I'll (try to) not forget ever. One of the songs of the shamans brought me back to earth. Honestly, after that huge realisation I was freaking out and I asked to get outside the room to take some fresh air, which I did. I spend a few minutes outside but it was even worse. The trees were roaring, the starts and every light was mixing, and the visual experience was even stronger than indoors. The shaman then went out to talk to me and let me know everything was OK, and that they were with me. I asked to eat some sugar and she said no. She just told me that what I was seeing was inside my heart, and that I could go back in if I wished so. I followed her back and I lied down again. In that position, I threw up two or three times, and it felt like the most depurative vomit I ever did. For the rest of the evening I just stay there shaking and seeing strange colours with my eyes closed. Eventually, the Ceremony was closed with the same smoking ritual. By then, I decided not to attend second day's ceremony. Day 2: We could have vegetarian breakfast and lunch. Last night experience was fresh but I still was hesitating to attend the second ceremony. By the evening, I was hoping for more glasses of that drink. When I took the first dose, the shaman remembered . my "bad trip" from the day before, and recommended to start slowly with a small dose. I almost did not experience any effects with that, but something weird happened. While the other participants were having the trip of their lifes, I was thinking about a couple decisions I had to take. The plant brought me extraordinary clarity on that, and I recall thinking: How is that a problem? You can solve it just doing that!. I still went for a second small dose, which didn't bring more than shaking and visualisation of more weird colors. Week after, I tried to follow the same diet. I have been very sensitive not only to colors and sound but also to "bad vibrations". I became a bullshit detector and it was difficult for me going to the gim or meeting some "specific people" without feeling actually sick. Now it's been ten days, I feel healthy and back to normal. My life stays the same but I learned something I can barely explain. I guess everyone has a different experience, but if I have the chance, I'd do it again to go way deeper than I did.

L-Theanine is the real thing. Feels like Bradley Cooper in Limitless, at least for today. It's been only 3 days but I'm feeling calm, focused, and energetic. I have been so productive today. Tweeted 5 times more than usual, applied to many jobs, and remembered details in conversations people were amazed of. And it has been specially powerful in the afternoon, combined with a coffee at work. I also have been reading a lot. It's almost 4 in the morning and I can't sleep though. I'll be careful in the following days, giving up coffee or hypericum instead. This is so much brain power I can't even handle it right now.

@studentofthegame As I see meditation, it's like the red pill in the "Matrix" movie. If you make it a strong habit, it will raise your awareness on every aspect of your life. Looking inside, the way you feel, the emotions you weren't paying attention, etc. is really healthy imo. Looking forward to reading on how it goes!

After some exhausting workdays, today I woke up in a bad mood. Again, when I'm tired I easily get into a victim mode, and I get those overwhelming emotional flashbacks resenting and blaming other people. However, I take these slumps as opportunities to take responsibility of they way I feel. I need to remind myself this over and over, with responsibility comes growth. On a different note, I am back to the nootropics list to try another one. In the past, I did not feel much effect with lion's mane. Now I'm taking L-Theanine, so I'll keep tracking the effect of this one until the end of the year. Regarding social media, it's deleted from the phone but I access it from the laptop, since there is some info, events and conversations that are useful. Now it's time for a couple weeks with full-time job. On the side, I'm wrapping up a project. Otherwise, just keep focusing on myself, my needs and my health.

@studentofthegame thanks pal, you just put it into words way better than I did! That's why it's important to keep balance and try to make small actions. I feel the backlash in these situations is stronger as I get older. It's important to focus the energy where it can create a more positive growth. There is an important insight from the trip I forgot to write down. From time to time I have some rage issues. When I feel distressed, if in a situation with people whom I feel dominant or comfortable, I unwittingly vent to the closest person next to me. It's nothing really serious, just a bit of an emotional overreaction, but I need to be aware of that in the future because it can damage relationships and harm the people who less deserve it.

The last days off from work have been quite weird. I've been feeling sloppy, lazy, and tired. I gave myself permission to chill at home, all by myself, eat sweets, junk food, watch TV, and (a lot of) porn. It was probably a backlash after the hype of the trip. The note to myself this week is to keep balance. Sometimes I try too hard to do outstanding memorable things, and I forget about habits. Tomorrow, we'll be back to basics.

Back from the trip! It's been a healing experience indeed. I spent some lovely days with a former girlfriend, and I unplugged from my daily reality in another city for a few days. Good vibes, fun, and connection is what I needed (and actually need) the most. I have lived by myself for 5 years now. This introspection has brought some juicy insights indeed, like what kind of career I would enjoy more, and what toxic traits have been poisoning my life. However, I believe I'm ready for a relationship. Seems I'm becoming more interesting for women as I work on myself, so I'll follow the same "strategy", which is not going directly for it, but being aware of my surroundings.

I see Leo ranting on Trump in almost every video released, including the last one. I'm spanish* and I consider myself socialist in terms of politics, so I understand (and share) why Leo is so triggered, but I don't think Trump is an "stage red idiot" like he states over and over. In my opinion, Trump is a really smart guy capable of succeeding in almost anything he sets for. He maintained and expanded the empire inherited by his father, casted in a popular TV show, he has written books with R. Kiyosaki (whose book is recommended in Leo's list) and won the 2016 election as a strategic motherf*cker he is. Trump literally destroyed every opponent in the primary elections one by one, including the Bush's brother and whoever else. He knew what type of speech would mobilize the republican voters and he knew how, where and when to attack Clinton. Make no mistake, playing dumb is a popular tool among politicians, because it makes them popular and relatable. I've seen the same in Spain too. Trump, in his essence, qualities, and shadows, is the last big hero from stage orange, a stage I hope is starting to fade from our planet soon. And Biden is no better, just a fake democrat copy of him. I'm sorry, but I predict Trump will win again by a landslide. Wait and see. *excuse my english as it's a second language

@Leo Gura If that were true, no politician would care about rural areas. The government would specially focus in the infrastructure and measures needed in the big cities in order to get votes and that would unbalance the development in the country. @Inliytened1 I didn't expect to be attacked so much in this "spiritual" forum for sharing my opinion. Again, I hate Trump and his policies, I'm just saying he's a smart man and unfortunately he's going to win the election again IMO.

@Jodistrict Thanks, that's a great reply. It's actually the point I wanted to make and could not express. It's all about taking responsibility, right @Leo Gura ?

@studentofthegame Thanks for sharing your experience, it's a similar mindset indeed!

Finally a couple weeks off. I promised myself to quit my current job as soon as I got paid for doing something else. This is about to happen, it seems. It's my priority number one and I must not forget it. However, I complain a lot about the time I lose there, and I don't pay attention to time wasted in social media. It's probably the most toxic, numbing and energy-consuming habit or addiction I have. I'm gonna be mindful about it and go cold turkey for a day, and keep tracking it in my next posts. On a more positive note, when I was thinking what should I do for my holidays, I reconnected with a former girlfriend who lives in another country and invited me over. I'm taking those flights despite of the current situation because it can be fun and healing to explain our lives so much time after. Being brutally honest, I feel kinda guilty. I'm afraid this trip can come from a place of neediness. There's not so much to do anyways, so I'm gonna allow myself to do it. To avoid isolation, I made a promise to become a "yes man" from now on.

Normally I don't post twice in a day (this is one of my stupid self-imposed rules, as if I could not write here as much as I want). After posting, I realised this happened after visiting my parents. I think I managed to heal our relationship, I accept them and even love them. There are barely any negative feeling or resentment towards them. Still, after seeing them, I feel uneasy, and some pessimism comes to my head, not directly related to them. It's funny and I will keep this in mind. Is it possible that love, that was once so unknown, is becoming familiar?

Keep it up buddy, as I said many other times the level of awareness on your own state is awesome! Learning to take care of the inner kid is definitely key.

One of my main struggles at the moment is facing how much I am resisting to change. 4 years ago, I decided to avoid more changes in my environment (work, housing, relationships...) so I could deal with my inner conflicts. I think it worked out, but now it seems I built such strong identity that I find it difficult to change. For example, I do want a girlfriend, but I always find an excuse to avoid commitment and staying single. If I'm sick of the job I currently have, I end up telling myself I should be grateful to have a job in these times and I take no action. If I'm not comfortable with the place I'm living, I'm telling myself is so cheap and I don't look for anything else. I'm not beating myself up for this, since I needed time for healing. Now just being mindful of the possible self-sabotage coming up just before reaching the goals.

Big lesson in taking responsibility this week. I've been blaming someone else for blowing up my latest project, and another colleague made me realize I'm the one and only responsible person for this. It's my bet, either for winning or for losing. It's not easy to digest but it's the truth. Otherwise, I feel pretty good. I just need to rest a little bit before strike 2. I've been back to the dating arena. My healing will be a lifelong process, but I'm not giving up in having a loving relationship. Just one week left before holidays. The goal is to keep breathing, exercising, and observing as I am doing, and only taking action for a couple applications I have in mind. That's it. Cheers.

@studentofthegame great feedback sir, many thanks.

@studentofthegame Nope, I'm in Spain! I was just curious. It's not the best time ever for travelling unfortunately.

Being brutally honest with yourself is essential to identify any kind of issues you might be dragging, so great job. Keep it up. Where did you go?

Getting out pretty fast from the pit I fell last week, just by taking good care of myself and my needs. I think my inner dialogue is quite healthy at the moment, I forgive myself easily for mistakes and my energy level is 8/10. My goals are clear and I firmly believe good things are coming. However... There's something missing before going back to my best natural self. I'm not having real fun. That's something women sense and they have even told me directly. I take life too seriously. I've noticed men more chilled have way more success in that sense, specially using drugs like weed or LSD. I relate to this with that Simpsons episode when Homer has an overachiever coworker, Frank Grimes. The guy gets pissed because Homer, who is an idiot, has everything he wants, and by the end of the episode he is dead. I'll remind myself to be more like Homer every now and then.