Gladius

It's almost magic the way life has for testing you. Since I wrote last post, I have been asked by many favours by colleagues, friends and family. And I said yes to everything. The thing is I actually feel like I have enough energy, but still need to be more 'asshole', meaning the opposite of people-pleasing. Otherwise, making progress in other areas and becoming stronger as the world opens up again.

May is here already. Relationshipwise, I'm exactly where I wanted to be so far. Therefore, steady as she goes. Jobwise, sometimes I feel like I'm pushing myself too much. I have the need of overcompensating for my shitty career and loser attitude so far. I try to be chill about it, but deep inside I'm obsessed about winning whatever it takes. I guess this is a healthy mindset as long as I'm mindful about it. However, it doesn't hurt reminding myself to take it easy and have fun. PS. Feel like setting a goal for May. One of the main issues I've been dealing my whole life, has been people pleasing, so let's deal with that. For the whole month I'm going to have a more "selfish" mindset, being more as an asshole. It's going to be all about me and taking care of myself, every decision is going to be taken according to my own needs. We'll review in a month. Cheers.

This last month I have been monitoring closely the stress received at work and how I'm dealing with it. There has been a breakthrough in this area. Some processes have been automatised by the company, so now the workload will decrease significantly. This gives me a break. In the meantime, the strategy is the same: Looking for a better alternative, and using free time wisely. To me, that just means not wasting time, specially in social media and similars. Even though I made a huge progress dealing with negative thinking, I've realized I still spend a lot of time stuck in my head, like having conversations with myself that lead nowhere. I wanna be aware of that, because it doesn't feel so healthy. For the record: During the last couple of weeks I took one hypericum pill in the morning, to get through the busiest days. That's it for the time being. Cheers.

@studentofthegame Thank you, buddy. Things are definitely better since I started this journal, so I guess the work is eventually paying off. I see in your last post you are following the motto: Back to basics Keep it up. Cheers.

Dating 3 times with someone I really, really like for the first time in my life is quite an accomplishment. I don't know what will happen in the future, but in terms of relationships, this is the way to go. I'm becoming the person I'd like to meet. Otherwise, peak season at work is getting started. Stress is my main concern at the moment. I'm dealing with it better than ever, but I do need a change. However, quitting without anything else to do is currently not an option for the time being. I'm exploring alternative projects on a daily basis. This is my main goal now and every week I'll be reviewing the progress in this area.

You can call it healing, building mental strength, or conquering yourself. Seems I'm getting my shit together. I can see myself behaving like a fully functional person, taking care of myself, and even able to take care of others. There's still some fear in there I need to address. However, I'm not being too strict on myself because the progress lately has been amazing. The goal for the next two weeks is to monitor this balance.

A few days left of this 3-week break I enjoyed more than ever. I truly must be doing something right. For the first time in my life, I had a (very) successful date with my all-time crush. I have no words to explain how that feels. Lately I'm just focusing in keeping my vibes high. Literally I've been googling "how to increase vibes" and doing that. I also finished the book "You are the placebo" by Joe Dispenza and loved that approach. The most important fight I won is the on inside me. Every time I have a thought which is not fully supporting me, I just observe it and let it go. It was also inspiring an interview I watched with Sadhguru. When asked how is he dealing with anger or resentment, he said "I give no one that privilege" and I remind that to myself over and over again. Next week I'm back to work and that will be the final test. It's easy to be this Zen when it's all sunshine and rainbows, so let's see how I keep that state under stress.

@studentofthegame Thanks man, I had an "emotional insight" about fear, if it makes sense. Having a full time job is challenging indeed, so you gotta take care more than ever. Keep it up!

After a long session of meditation, sometimes I have a juicy insight about myself immediately after. Sometimes it's a hard pill to swallow. But it's always worth it. A few years ago, kinda joking, a friend said I was a coward. At that time, I was clearly avoiding a situation where I could run into an ex. After the meditation, this word came to me. He was damn right. Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up. Actually, it was quite liberating to look myself in the mirror and admit I've been a coward most of my life. Coward with women, with jobs, with friends, with colleagues, with family... Fear everywhere. The reasons for this fear doesn't matter. I'm now well aware of it, and I'm going to beat it. I can't afford to lose more time. @studentofthegame thanks buddy, hope you're doing great too!

Halfway through the break. I think I'm doing great actually, no need to fix anything. Good vibes, having fun, going with my gut, and not worrying so much. I guess that's how holidays should feel. Maybe, the only note to myself would be being more aggressive to the things I want. The very first reaction I have in a given situation is still quite people-pleasing. Keeping that in mind for next time. Otherwise, steady as she goes.

@Epikur thanks, I love that mindset. @Matt23 that's what I'm doing now, not forcing things so much. Thanks.

I have a very good job in terms of salary, stability and working hours, but I don't really enjoy it (I know I'm supposed to love and accept everything in the world, but you guys know what I mean). This job is absolutely unrelated to my life purpose. The "only" thing that brings me is money, and the confidence of being in demand. Lately I have been combining it with some training in my life purpose, but I have the feeling I need to fully focus in my creative project to make it happen. Now, the problem is that this situation kinda happened already twice in my lifetime: Hated the job => trained in this creative domain => failed to get income => went back to my former work sector. I think I learned from my past mistakes, since this time I have more momentum if that makes sense. I guess I only need some final advice or encouragement here. Thanks Leo and everyone, long life to Actualized.org.

@studentofthegame Great post. I think the best doctor is oneself, and from my experience, most of our diseases are somehow origined by toxic emotions. As you say, it's easy to listen to theory and nod your head. When it comes to change, that's a whole different game. Being present is something to be practiced every day, hour and second you're aware of it. I struggle with this one as well, but it's interesting as you progress to see your life and health get better and better. Good job, buddy.

Sorry guys, I feel like writing a bit more. When I'm starting holidays, I always need a couple days to rest my body and mind. My intention for this month is, first and foremost, to take care of myself, be aware of my needs and emotional state. I also have some plans to keep making progress in my creative career. Depending on the pandemic situation and my projects, I'll decide if it's wise to keep my current job or it's time to make the leap.

@studentofthegame That's a good one! I can imagine Bruce Lee having a happy meal every now and then It's great you are noticing self-talk, this is key! Keep it up!

@studentofthegame Thank you buddy, as always your feedback is precious. I love writing and I know I will be doing it one way or another. I wouldn't say creativity is compulsory for everyone though. Following your bliss also means switching careers like you did. Cheers!

Some people wrote me asking tips on healing from CPTSD. I'm replying here summing up what I did so everyone can see. First of all, know that healing is a slow never-ending process, but every day it gets better and better if you choose the right thing. So there are some thoughts - in random order: - Filling up my social media with motivation accounts. Since I can't help to spend too much time scrolling, I used it in my favour and start following a lot of "positive message" people. It slowly sinks into your mind. - If you have any friends they are probably toxic one way or another. It's ok if you distance yourself for a while to figure out stuff. - Pete Walker books (CPTSD and Tao of fully feeling), or Running on empty by Jonice Webb. - Exercising your body somehow is also important. - It sounds cliche but "following your passion" just means doing things you like and living for yourself. - CB therapy helped identifying my problem, but I wouldn't say it was essential in my recovery. - I meditate as described in the netflix guide of meditation, which is catching your thoughts as they appear. - Studying myself. Watching what triggers me, what is my mindset, how I'm dealing with others, what are my boundaries, taking care of myself first, adopting an attitude. - Being aware of death, knowing I have some finite time on this planet and deciding how I'm going to spend the time. - If you somatize your emotions, be aware of it. Some people suffers from the stomach, some have headaches, others eat compulsively... I had skin issues for a long time (dermatitis and urticaria). Now it's 95% gone. - I never took medication per se, but I could have probably used it at some point. No doctor prescribed them to me. I get hypericum pills which are available in the supermarket. I can go on without them, just feeling a bit less energetic. - Be careful with self-help, some of it can be helpful but it can also be toxic and addictive. I like Dr. Joe Dispenza and School of Life videos. - I remind myself over and over the Rocky Balboa speech to his son. In the end it's all about that. - If you are right now in the middle of an abuse situation, fight back. If it's over, just look for solutions. Until I was 30 I was trying to be normal but reality slapped me on the face again and again. Then I had to realize there was something deeper to be healed. Facing your truth can be terrible, but it's the only way of living the life you deserve. I'm 36 and it's not over yet, but most of symptoms are barely there (anxiety, depression, irritability, etc), and I can foresee a better future.

Jus an insight to keep in mind for the future: When the pressure is at its highest and anxiety strikes, I tend to make rash decisions I can regret afterwards. The opposite of that is balanced decisions. Next time, when that urge to act in the moment happens, I'm just gonna breath it out and write it down. A couple more days until holidays and then one month off, which will be great for reviewing and making balanced decisions. Looking forward to it.

As we get older, junk takes a toll more and more on our energy unfortunately, but a little bit of that is also important to enjoy life. As always, it's a matter of balance. I'm also looking forward to next months to take more action. By now, not much can be done anyways. Keep it up!

@studentofthegame Thanks buddy! I take it as a good sign. Some of my free time I used to be so worried, I rarely got to be just "bored". Have a wonderful week you too!

March already. Not really sure what to write, to be honest. The word is probably "bored".

Looking back, some posts might seem silly but I am very happy with my progress lately. I'm energetic, positive and confident more good things are about to happen. It's going to be a couple weeks with a lot of work, so I can barely keep up. Then I'll have one month off so I will have the time to take more life-changing decisions. Regarding habits and routine, the only thing bugging me it's spending too much screen time. I'm deleting a couple of useless app that take up most of that time and see how it goes. Otherwise, keeping the badass mindset and looking forward to March.

Since I started my journal here I developed the habit of meditation, I quit porn, and I'm disengaging social media as well. It's going great, BUT now I feel I have extra time in my hands. Actually, my attention turns to other toxic habits I never had like smoking (¿?), drinking, tinder, netflix, etc. I'm wondering how can I spend my free time in a "healthy" way, besides what I'm currently doing which is working in my life purpose, sports, reading and cultural events. Any ideas?

Bad-ass. That's a word I've been reminding myself lately. It means much of what I have been missing all my life. It's not about trying to be someone I'm not. It feels good to develop a part of me ignored most of the time. To me, it means finally embracing who I am and have been, owning my past, my decisions and my current position in life. I am where I am because I chose to at one point or another. I want what I want and I like what I like. I might make mistakes but whatever happens I'll be fine. I don't give a damn about what others think. Actually, some girlfriends have told me to be a bit more of that when I'm being rancorous or complaining. When gathering with men, there is a secret competition going on to be more bad-ass than the other. For many years, I've been unconsciously discarding me from that race, and my confidence was resenting it. Rejection used to affect me too much. I'm pretty sure that if I can combine my already overdeveloped sensitive side with a bit of this tough guy mindset, I can get pretty better results in life.

I was also diagnosed with PTSD a couple years ago. I've been dragging it my whole life (I'm 36 now). This is what helped me, not necessarily in order: - Books. In particular the ones by Pete Walker (The Tao of Fully Feeling and CPTSD). - CBT therapy. - Meditation, as described in a mainstream way in Netflix guide of meditation. - Podcasts like The School of Greatness, School of Life or similars. - Doing things to get closer to a job I may like - "life purpose". - Journaling here as much as necessary (as you are already doing). - Never took medication (maybe I should have at some point). Just pills of hypericum to improve my mood. Just take it one day at a time. I promise it gets better. Take care.