Gladius

Merry Christmas @Preety_India and everyone!

It's difficult for me to chill. Even though I accomplished my goals this year, I'm having a hard time to relax and find peace. There is still this constant thought like it's never enough. These last years have been quite rough and that needs to be accepted. It might some time to fully recover and become 100% functional. Meanwhile, I'm gonna take it one day at a time. Online dating is over. My free time will be spent with people I love, doing things I enjoy, and being mindful about my health, needs and boundaries.

A cool job has been secured. 2021's goal has been accomplished. Yippie-kay-yay. However, the year's not over. I wish I could relax at least until past holidays, but things keep happening at light speed. In a couple weeks a huge opportunity as presented itself in my creative purposes, so now the main goal is to prepare for that as if my life depended on it. Regarding the online dating, it's taking over a big chunk of my time. I believe it's still not affecting my main purpose though.

This week I'm still having good vibrations. I already booked 3 job interviews so my new career path looks promising. Stress levels are low and that keeps me in good mood and high energy. The issue I'm encountering now has to do with women. I went back to online dating as I really feel the need. I'd like to invest my energy in something else more productive, as my belief is that dating must be a consequence of an interesting and healthy lifestyle. However, this is not a real problem so far, so I will just keep tracking what happens in that matter. As a side note, sometimes my initial automatic thought when taking a decision is people-pleasing. Just reminding myself to think twice before acting and saying things. Next and foremost goal is to secure that job. I'll prepare the interviews accordingly and make that my first priority.

There's a new insight I do want to remind to myself because it does make a difference in my life. Sometimes I get emotional during difficult conversations, facing a conflict. It's a terrible way to carry out any kind of negotiation. Next time I hope to remain calm and deal with it with no emotions involved.

It might seem stupid, but in times like that I imagine a little Donald Trump in my head. The mantra, instead of "America first", it's "me first". Not sure if it helps or makes sense, that's how it is though By the way, thanks for the Warmerdam recommendation, I had some valuable insights from that episode.

@studentofthegame answered in bold, I wouldn't have said that better

Training successfully completed, the goal now is to find a job. Step by step. I'm taking a break from nootropics for a couple weeks and see how it feels. Theanine was extremely useful for intensive studying. Other than that, steady as she goes.

If we could remove emotions from the equation, life would be so much easier. The goal for this month was simple: Just complete the damn course. It was all going great, until the human factor came into play. It was not a big mistake, but it's convenient to remind myself to focus in what's important. Two more weeks to go. That's it. Forget about everything else until then.

It's not easy to admit this. For the time being I do need this hypericum thing to be a functional human being. Since 3 years ago, I have been using it on and off, and I can tell the difference. I guess that means there is still real damage. It sucks big time, but that's where we are at. I guess I'll be using it until I have turned my life around in terms of career and relationships. At least it's better than before. The doctors just gave me medication to mask the symptoms of my stress, like corticoids and antihistamine. Some people is telling me to rely on this very health system. Yeah, good luck with that. On a brighter note, I managed to drastically reduce my phone usage. I deleted every social media app from the phone. By now, I keep the accounts and checked it once a day on my laptop. After surviving withdrawal syndrome, it feels great, like being back in control. Next week I'm back to school, only for a month. The one and only goal is to do it as best as I can.

October is being dedicated to relaxing and decompression, and recovering my body and mind for a new life. November is going to be challenging, hopefully in a healthy way. I'm already registered for an intensive course and my intention is to arrive there in good shape to turn my life around. Up until now I maintained online sessions of CBT therapy. It's not like I felt a real connection with the therapist, but with so many changes lately it felt good venting to someone. If things stay the same, next week it will be over.

As days go by, I'm feeling better and better. It's sad and satisfying and at the same time. I still can't understand how I spent so much time and energy doing things I hate. However, I feel like for the first time in my life I'm playing adulthood on my own terms, and no one else's. Better late than never. Actually, since stress and inadequacy thoughts are over, I don't care so much about setting goals. Still, I'm going to track my mood and see what other areas of my life are ready to improve.

@studentofthegame Welcome to the club, my friend. As in any addiction, the first step is just admitting it. It's great you're aware of that and you don't rush into quick fixes. I try to spend time off the phone, uninstall those apps, and so on, but I end up backsliding sooner or later. It's way worse than smoking. With your permission, I will say we're together in this one Keep it up!

Exactly, I just needed some time off for myself to have more clarity. Cheers, mate!

@studentofthegame Thanks! Yeah, I think my most important upgrade is attitude. Actually I also quit that new job. I just used it as an excuse to activate change. Now I'm training as languages teacher, and combining it with more risky stuff. Looking forward to your updates, buddy!

It's not easy to reflect on what is going on these last weeks. The most important insight is I gained so much confidence by rejecting things. I've been rejecting jobs, courses and people who are just not meant for me. My focus at the moment is getting training for a new professional career that gets me quite excited. This is happening by the end of October. Until then, I'm recovering, and preparing for it. On the side, not forgetting all the things I started. Too many times, in life, I was not aware of being in deep shit, until I was out of it. I feel like slowly being myself again. It will take time. I'm in no rush though. Cheers!

@Matt23 It actually was a really specialized aspect of logistics, so it was impossible to apply anywhere else. I love screenwriting and filmmaking, but I can't see a realistic way to pay the bills with that for the time being. This year I tried teaching languages in private and I loved it, so I'm definitely training to become English teacher.

@Matt23 No worries, I actually feel peace and relief now, but of course that means I "wasted" a big chunk of my life. My degree was in logistics.

If you are not 100% sure, don't do it. Keep exploring. My experience with master's degree is not good though, I got one in my late 20's and still feel cringe about it. I'm 36 now and starting life totally from the scratch.

So far, so good. I can almost feel like my brain is segregating serotonin once again. This next week I'm starting in the new job. Trying to do my best and see how I feel the rest of the time. Lately I had the excuse of this big changes in my life to miss exercise and have a poor diet. My intention is to build a healthy routine around this new schedule. Next week I'll review.

It finally happened. The main goal of the last couple years has been accomplished today. I found a part-time job I kinda might like, and quit my "safe" one after 4 years feeling really awkward in that position. Lately, I even felt a bit embarrassed to write here, whining about the same thing over and over again, and not taking action. I just feel peace at the moment. Deep inside, I know I should have done this long ago. The voice nagging me to quit is quiet for the first time. Now, I have many plans (A, B, C, D and all the way to Z) and ideas. I'm excited about the future and the new possibilities. Of course it's not going to be easy, but at least I'll feel alive. It will be my dharma. In terms of healing, I feel quite confident. My hopes are now to recover some energy because I felt so drained lately. The actual main problem throughout my life has been the mindset. This last month I've been watching a lot of videos of myself as a kid. It was interesting to see and it brought me some juicy insights. My strategy back then was playing victim too often, so I could get love, and that evolved the wrong way in my adulthood. If I turn that around, I'm positive I can be happy and lead a pretty functional life. What's the alternative, anyways? I run out of excuses to be miserable. So, next goal is to finish my undergoing side projects. After that, I'll review. Cheers.

@studentofthegame Summer is a difficult month to make progress in any area, so maybe it's better to fasten your seatbelt and enjoy the ride I also tried online CBT this summer and didn't click either. Do you humbly think you are becoming your own best therapist? Seems that when there is no progress on the outside, at least there is a good increase on the awareness inside. Good job, buddy.

Things haven't changed this last month. No results. No feedback. Nothing. This has actually caused me quite a lot of mixed emotions. I experienced outbursts of anger and sadness which had barely happened before. Another important observation: When I don't take care of myself, my body pays a higher price. This is a friendly reminder to make myself a priority. The only goal left for the time being is a new job. Hopefully next month will be more dynamic in this sense. Meanwhile, trying to make the most of the summer.

@studentofthegame Thanks buddy, done with covid already! I'm loving you words, getting this kind of feedback is encouraging. Cheers!

These days I had much free time for observation and insights. There is a really important word that came up and I barely used during this journal: Assertiveness. This is something I lacked a lot and it caused me a lot of trouble in my past. If I ever felt attacked or offended, I used to just repress emotions and say to myself some excuse like "i'm over it" or "let it go". That's a terrible strategy and made me feel more and more insecure, isolated and sick. So far I managed to know what's going on inside of me. Now I'm starting to talk, demand, and act according to my needs and thoughts. And it feels so good.