Gladius

Narcissists have similar issues than people pleasers, just the very opposite. Both are a lost cause. They can change around 10% of their messed up personality if they really work on it though.

As I promised myself, this year would be a "go with the flow" one, since 2021 took huge effort and pressure to change my life for good. However, I need to remind this over and over because I feel the need too often to take action. Career-wise, finally I'm more confident than ever of the path I'm currently following, and things are working out. On a personal level, it feels like the change is happening at a different speed. After getting rid of many habits, emotions and thought patterns, I came upon a whole new level of stuff that needed to be addressed. Lately, I'm unsubscribing of many self-help channels and accounts I had been following over the last years. The intention is to slowly get rid of this "victim" identity and becoming totally responsible of my life and the decisions I take. For that reason, I refuse to do any more therapy or consultation for the time being. Other than that, steady as she goes.

Do you know about family constellations? Some people consider it pseudoscience, but I tried recently and it helped a lot. As you say, in the end it's all about applying common sense and self-compassion. Keep it up!

@studentofthegame thanks mate, it's great hearing from you and your wise replies. 100% nailed it as usual.

Many interesting things are happening on June. This month will be intense. Career-wise, the direction I will be taking in the upcoming future (and probably rest of my life) will be finally and definitely settled. On a personal level, some ancient family dynamics are being tested. There will be big events in that sense. Considering that, the best thing I can do is, again, reminding myself of taking good care of my health to endure whatever life brings. Cheers.

Yes, it was about confrontation all along. I used to think I didn't give an f. Well, spoiler alert, I did. My only goal right now is to listen to that inner something telling me stuff to say or do, and say it or do it right away. That's probably what people call trusting myself.

Truth usually sucks, but it's the only way we can identify problems and apply solutions. My fear of conflict is still there. I need to remind that myself, because it keeps me stuck in a loop where I defeat myself all the time, and also in front of other people. Of course it's more subtle than years ago, but it's still there. And it starts with some family issues. This quote from a brilliant article in "the mighty" really ressonated: Healing trauma is a monumental undertaking and not something that happens overnight. Often the last things to change are the ways in which we respond to others in the moment. When your trauma occurs in connection to others, the anecdote is healing through connection with others, which will inevitably involve some conflict. I'll be digging into that.

If you did that, it's cool enough to send your message from my point of view. In this kind of situations I can't help but to start laughing, which I'm not sure it's the best strategy.

Something has been off these last weeks, and I'm not sure what. It feels like a plateau. Even though huge changes have been applied to my life, I can't seem to have my whole energy back. I changed careers, cut off many people, and going all the way with my gut. I'm wondering if I'm not facing the real problem here. Lately, some ancient family issues have arised, and in the next upcoming weeks I'm tackling them. Apparently, a byproduct of doing the work is that buried emotions like anger and resentment come up decades later. It's ugly, but it needs to be dealt with. I'm also starting to get worried about finding the right partner. I always end up either rejecting those who like me, or the other way around. It's probably something else to be adressed. Meanwhile, enjoying the new job, eating quite healthy, being lazy sometimes, and just having a little patience, I guess.

Progress in terms of health, mental and emotional, is non-linear although steady. There have been a couple of external bumps these last weeks, but overall I'm still keeping a good track of exercise, energy and peace. Every time I feel out of balance, I just shift the focus on myself again. Cutting off "toxic" people is something that felt counterintuitive at first, but it's been proved as essential to take care of myself. In that sense, a good recommendation is the "selfhealers" podcast by Nicole Lepera (and her book). In the end, it's all about being aware as much as possible to make the right choice for our future self.

Life is getting definitely easier. According to van der Kolk, the essence of trauma is dissociation. That's been one of my mantras, since I've been struggling a lot with it. One of the keys of this recovery is becoming more selfish, and that is drastically reducing dissociation. As time goes by, I get rid of absurd relationships and commitments in which I got involved in the past. When I didn't set boundaries, I would meet people I don't like and get carried away into projects that didn't make sense. My attempts to make a Hollywood-like huge impact were part of that. I was trying to overcompensate. That's why I put so much pressure on myself, and ended up frustrated when big stuff was not happening. However. Those attempts did create a good network of contacts and a portfolio that apparently it's not that bad. I won't completely throw that away for the time being. That can be a nice hobby - part time job which is quite cool and rewarding if managed properly. Therefore, that will still be part of my life in a more organic way. I'm loving my main job now, so the pressure has reduced. The goal is to keep the boat steady. The following months look promising, and I didn't had that feeling for a long time.

@studentofthegame Thanks buddy! Love that quote. I'm going to write about it. Hope you're doing great!

Huberman is very theoretical. I agree, it's difficult to apply any of that knowledge. From my experience, I have been watching these kind of videos (Lewis Howes, Jay Shetty and similars...) for the last year or so, every day during breakfast. I really needed inspirational messages like that to sink in, and it has been very useful. I got to a point where I feel I don't need them anymore, and it does seem a waste of time. I guess you need to find that place where you just take action with your life. Whatever floats the boat.

Can relate 100%. You have been conditioned to please others. Just tell your boss you need to talk for a minute in private. Then tell him you are grateful for the chance of being there but you feel the need of moving your career in a totally different direction. Make your mental health number one priority.

Changing big stuff in your life threatens the very core of your identity. You run out of excuses and there's nothing else to blame but you, looking directly into the void. No wonder why it's so difficult and people avoid it. It feels like having to adapt to being a different human being. Even though this last year I could achieve many goals, sometimes I catch my mind throwing more reasons to remain victim and negative. Every one of these times I remind myself how lucky I am and all the progress and healing made lately. The main issue now is an interesting professional challenge that came up. I might never have a chance like this again, so I need to put all my heart on this one. It's more pressure than I need right now, but it's worth to give it a go. Other than that, steady as she goes.

Sometimes, for some people, getting so busy can be a healthy way to cope. It's all good as long as you listen to your mind and body. Keep it up!

@studentofthegame thanks! Sure, I always keep that in mind My energy is increasing little by little. Even though those are good news, sometimes I'm not really sure what to do with it. A further step in this journey is socialising. During close social interactions, I eventually noticed pent-up anger and frustration taking over. Since I spent much time by myself, this is usually not an issue. I'm not really aware of those emotions that can burst forth when dealing with people. Up until now, my social life just barely consisted in pleasing others. From now on, it will be on my terms. A spin-off from that is sex. Most of my life I felt like missing out a lot of sex. I met many women via app which helped with that. I had more action since new year's that ever before, which I assume is a good symptom. However, I do want a long term partner, and I'll be more intentional on that since I have targets on mind. The idea now is to start planning free time in a more healthy way. I will try to fill it with sport, culture, and more of my interests. For the time being, I'm not planning any more concrete actions to be taken, because I feel on the right track. My number one priority is still my health (mental and physical). The rest will follow.

Stress is barely a thing anymore and I'm making progress in my current career. I'm loving the way I organised my life this year. The drawback is I still have too much time on my hands, which leads me to overthinking and phone addiction. Some days I'm still relapsing to my oldest self. I'm slowly taking up exercise again, but I'm lacking so much of the energy I had in the past for that. My guess is that such a huge change in relatively short time took a toll in my body, so I'm taking it one day at a time.

In the end, it's all about getting out from your own head and living life as it is. As you said once, just listen to your mind and body. EMDR was quite helpful to me, so good luck with that!

@studentofthegame the progress during these last years (in particular the last one) is undeniable, and this journal is big part of it. However, I feel somehow still in the midst of this change. It's like I'm now catching up with "normal people", if that makes sense. Hopefully I will be able to definitely close this chapter soon, although there are still a few things left to handle. I might start a new journal though, because it has been a really useful tool. Thanks for your role in it, mate.

As these last weeks I'm feeling comfortable with my life I'm not really sure what to post. I'm loving my lifestyle, loving my job, and listening to my body and mind to meet my needs. Probably the next step is probably finding a long-term partner to share stuff I guess. However, I believe that will be a by-product of keeping doing my own thing. Therefore, steady as she goes.

As I predicted, as weeks go by, I'm feeling better and better. Doing -absolutely- nothing during the break worked wonders. On the one hand, looking back is so sad because I endured so much pain for no reason. On the other, for the first time in many many years, I'm really excited about the future. This week I'm starting a new career path which fits way better my skills and interests. This was an essential step in my healing journey. My mind is in a more calm state since last summer. Many of the worrying and negative mental loops I was usually stuck in are not happening anymore. That is translating in my brain not segregating cortisol 24/7 as it used to do. Therefore, the inflammation has been dramatically decreased, and its effects on my body are negligible now. I don't need to mask the symptoms with medication or supplements. Please never allow distress to become an integral part of your life. My intention is keep being aware of this process, focusing mostly on my health and the new opportunities arising.

It's easy to get carried away these days. It looks like you're doing pretty good though. I love Huberman already. I'm also listening to Lewis Howes and Jay Shetty, which are in the same page. Keep it up!

Summing up 2021, it's been an awesome year. Careerwise, I got closer to my wildest dreams than ever. I can't tell what will happen in the future, but in that sense I can say I gave it all, and some good things started to happen. For the first time in my life, next year looks exciting at the very least. My focus right now is health. I feel like I'm still dragging some burnout syndrome from all the craziness happening these last months. My mind is still telling me I'm in danger one way or another. However, it's slowly getting better since I quit my soul-crushing job. Thus, I'm confident it will take me just a few more weeks to get back my full energy. I just need to remind myself over and over to take it easy and focus on my needs. My main purpose for 2022 is just keep doing this. Happy New Year everyone!

@studentofthegame 100%! You're starting to know me better than myself sometimes thanks for your empathetic feedback and support! Happy new year buddy!