Gladius

@Commodent @studentofthegame Many many thanks both of you then. I don't know how else could I had these insights. I ordered the book on Amazon and it arrives on Tuesday, I'll write about it for sure. Should I read the first one (Complex PTSD) before?

This week I've been back to the therapy sessions after holidays. We have been digging deeper and deeper in my past, specially in my parents narcissistic behaviour. It's not a pleasant thing to do, but it's essential for me to reconcile with my past. I also read a couple of really interesting articles by Pete Walker, which I saw in the book list of @studentofthegame. The way he differentiates inner and outer critic is just brilliant. I learned about Complex PTSD, which I might have at some degree, and I bought "The Tao of Fully feeling". Again, it's a bitter pill to swallow. I'm really grateful for having these insights though. They give me the opportunity to work on myself at the most profound levels, and solve the relationship issues I've been dragging for most of my life. I gained much awareness on the way I interact with every single person in my life. For me, transitioning from people-pleasing to setting (too many) boundaries has been challenging and confusing, and it has created troubles in my relationships. I'll keep doing this shadow work because it's working wonders. On a brighter note, I'm watching a lot of horror movies. I found they are a really good way of experiencing "negative emotions" in a safe environment, and turned out so healthy for me. Looking forward "It Chapter 2" this weekend. More to come soon.

Sweet. If your lifestyle allows such a powerful routine like that is worth keeping it. By the way, I heard once that a perfect chest only requires 30 push-ups per day. I usually read just fiction, specially classic novels ("Moby Dick" at the moment). As far as I remember, I only bought "Radical honesty" by Brad Blanton. I thought I could use some of that. And of course I also read some psychology articles on the internet. I'll post about it soon. Hope I'm not spamming your journal too much

I read "The Alchemist" 8 years ago. I thought it was a nice metaphoric tale. Before leaving the flat I was living by then I tried to give the book to my roommate, but she refused as it were the Necronomicon. I don't really understand why so many people despise Coelho, he's such a well-intended writer!

Here we are. September 2019. Looks like sci-fi. For the time being I'm not gonna set any compulsory rules to live by. I know what's good for me. I'm gonna make conscious healthy decisions about food, relationships, habits, etc. Setting black or white goals turned out to be counterproductive in the past. While I'm capable to follow up my own directions everything seems perfect. But when the shit hits the fan, those goals become too hard to attain, resulting in frustration. Therefore, I'm gonna trust my gut now. The only habit I'm gonna retrieve is 10 minutes of daily meditation. Everything else, I'll do according to my judgement, with my professional and personal goals as compass.

@studentofthegame thanks, and good luck as well! Will be thinking about realistic goals for the time being.

@studentofthegame Seems like the right approach to me. It gives you something to work on with flexibility. Being too strict on yourself usually leads only to big backlashes, on my experience.

Many thanks, already back. Hope to read your updates soon.

I'm back. This summer it's been challenging regarding self-actualization. After finishing my course by then end of June, I had quite a lot of time in my hands. I started smoking, drinking, watching porn, having meaningless sex... My meditation habit is gone. Now I have been a couple weeks in a surf campus, trying to engage again in a healthy life. It was fun, met lots of likeminded people and kinda returned to be myself. My intention for September is to go back to my routine. Meditation, no-fap, exercise and goals. By the way, latest video by @Leo Gura is just brilliant. Letting everything go. Thanks again! Wrapping it up with my most inspirational song and videoclip. Must have listened to it literally hundreds of times.

Closed for holidays

It's great you're clearly aware of what's going on. Something similar happened to me. Summer is usually disruptive for habits.

I'm not gonna lie, July has been a bit of a backlash. On the 1st day I submitted my project and finished my course. After that, with some free time in my hands, I started smoking and stopped meditating. Hopefully in August it will be easy to get back in track since I'll be two weeks out in the nature in this surf campus. I also have been visiting this therapist though, and made some progress with her unraveling some traumas and clearing up the past so I can move forward. I will stick with her for a few weeks because changes are significant.

@Psyche_92 To me it's been like an addiction, another symptom of unattainable perfectionism. I know this is the wrong approach, but it happened.

Personal development...

I can now say EMDR is real. I experienced emotions I had forgotten, and started laughing as soon as I took care my inner child. Besides, I can feel how stablishing a genuine healthy relationship with my therapist is also healing. However, none of that is a magic pill. I am more and more convinced the only solution is start working towards my goals. I felt the best when I was at the top of my game, taking care of myself and leading a healthy lifestyle. It's really important to remember who you are when the shit hits the fan.

Amazing your deep level of self-knowledge. This is probably the most accurate journal I ever read. Your reflections here show how wise you already are. Keep it up!

After my second therapy session, I'm confident it is worth investing this time and money in myself. I had some juicy insights, which can redefine my believes system for the better. Even though I'm not sure EMDR will work on me, the value of connecting to my therapist and letting her be part of my healthy inner dialogue is priceless. I'll keep going once a week for the time being. One of my aha moments involve my father, who made huge efforts (unconsciously) to stop me from succeeding more than him. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but being aware of that that helps me to take action. I'll be back to daily meditation, NoFap, and phone usage restrictions.

@studentofthegame Out of curiosity, may I ask why are you so focused in drinking water?

@studentofthegame I don't plan getting addicted to smoking either. I had an "emotionally hectic" week and smoking was a new way of coping with that, but I don't feel the urge of doing it again. Vaping sounds like a good substitute for that though.

I love this approach to journaling, it's simple and it gives you something to aim for. And lots of sports in it. Keep it up.

I had already visited a couple therapist in my life, but I gave up because I had the feeling I was oversmarting them. This time, after talking to a friend, I chose one of the best in my area. It's expensive but it was worth every cent. We really got along, she was warm and understanding. Next week we'll try EMDR therapy. Let's see if I can finally get rid of my old toxic behaviour patterns. At the same time, I took some days off my meditation habit to see how it feels. PS. It's a bit embarrassing to admit this... But I just started smoking. It feels good this point of "rebellion" I never had. I assume it's part of the process and huge backlash of this week. Next week I'll be back to "hard journaling", since it was really keeping me on track.

@studentofthegame Sure, I'm closely following you as well. Don't worry my friend, this is the point of this public journal, and I do appreciate any comment, question or feedback. She's a Gestalt therapist. I've never tried before but her website resonates with my current feelings and expectations, so I'll give it a shot. I decided to do that after a conversation with a friend who does therapy. I'm actually feeling pretty good lately as I said in other posts... I guess I wouldn't dare to have done this up until now. I'm starting on Friday so I'll update here later on.

Even though apparently it could seem everything is working out, below the surface I'm still feeling anxiety on a daily basis. After talking with a good friend, I decided to try therapy and see how it turns out. I do feel I have improved a lot over the last years just using the internet to google what was wrong, but the progression is too slow compared with a lifetime.

Weekly recap of my "inspirational" journey: I'm horny. Really horny lately. I assume it's caused by a combination of factors: things are (slowly) kinda working out, summer's here, hypericum pills, NoFap challenge... I realized I need to calm down when these feelings arise. If I relapse and fap compulsively, I do pay the price later on with a huge energy and motivation downfall. Therefore, I'll be more aware on that from now on. Otherwise, I feel confident about the future. I'm getting to know myself more and more. I'm avoiding old overthinking patterns. I'm acting more and complaining less. I take responsability for my mistakes and act upon that. There are still some things to improve, but I'm more and more comfortable in my own skin either way. My relationships are getting better and better. I might even think I'm happy and don't even know it...

I struggle big time approaching women I really really like. It's so hard-wired in my brain I literally walk away from them sometimes. I'm looking for specific daily challenges I can do to improve my social skills (and yes, specifically pick up and dating). Any ideas on how to start with easy challenges, and then escalating? Thanks!