Gladius

Feeling good vibrations lately. Work load has decreased, which means less stress and more time and energy for myself. Reading "Shape Shifter" by Geoff Thompson, as recommended by @studentofthegame. One of the most inspirational books I've read. So far, the biggest lesson I get from it is priorizing health. I need to remind this to myself over and over again. Taking care of the self is the very first priority of anyone's life. I loved the concept of "healthy selfishness". My intention for the next week is to shift more into that.

That's a great way to take care of yourself. We get so much screen time it's scary. Waiting a couple hours to connect to the phone after waking up does make a difference. I also reduced the "noise" or inputs as you say (music, radio, TV, social media, etc...) and it feels much better. Keep it up!

@studentofthegame Yes, you did mention that book. I'll look it up then. I feel I'm stuck in this loop for so much time I don't know how to get out. Thanks mate.

@studentofthegame I also tried to keep those friendships in touch from time to time, but I realised I ended up with a huge list of contacts who I need to "please" eventually. Maybe I went too far on that, because I've been feeling quite isolated lately. My intuition is telling me to be fearless, quit my job, don't look back, and use the savings, time and energy to create a different life once and for all. The resistance to do that is incredibly huge. Loving the length, the point of this open journal is to have this kind of conversations. Thanks again.

Started writing this post from a really catastrophic mindset but refused to fall into that, so I deleted and started over. Side projects did not work. This makes me wonder many things and I feel confusion about the direction of my life. That's ok. Going back to basics: Focusing on my body, my health, and my needs, and being grateful for all the many things I do have and the people who care. Furthermore, there's something in my mind I think about it more that I'd like. There are some friendships I tagged as "toxic" which I let die during this lockdown. On the one hand, I feel like doing the right thing. Meeting these guys left me drained after every interaction. On the other, they are long time friends who were always there and I can't help to feel guilt. There's one of the old videos where Leo recommends to be "more of an asshole, and don't worry cause you won't go overboard". That ressonates.

The main challenge as I've been stating last months is still I feel overwhelmed by work. I've been applying to part-time jobs but still no luck. Sometimes I feel like quitting, because the stress is not worth it. I saved enough money to survive more than a year with no income worst case scenario. Then I could use the time to learn new skills, create, and network. But then I immediately talk myself out of it. In the past I already was unemployed at home all day long by myself and applying for jobs and it didn't work well for me. When I was hired, I felt relieved and it gave me a boost of confidence. Besides, I'm making small progress with some projects on the side, although it feels so slow. If this goes on for a few more weeks, I'll definitely make the leap. I lacked patience in the past and I won't make the same mistake. Otherwise, yoga, reading, connecting again with family and healthy friends.

Progress is never lineal, there are backlashes. It's great you're already talking to yourself in such healthy compassionate way. I also use to think a lot in terms of "pride and dignity" but lately I try to take myself not so seriously. Keep it up!

Key points last week: - Already read "Taming your gremlin". I enjoyed it, and learned to just breath when things get ugly. Now I started the "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius, and after that "Into Africa". I'm done with emotional mastery books. - Stuck to the habit of yoga and loving it. Adriene is literally changing my life, my body and the way I talk to myself. Did a couple of "30 days yoga challenge", and also doing random videos in between. - As a result of this, I faced my parents with an assertive deep conversation about our past. I do feel I was abused / mistreated, and I needed to share that with them. I also talked to my sister, since she had been ignorant (purposely or not). They need to know why I have been passive-agressive with them. Being honest is healthier for me and for the family. It does feel good. Again, I'm being really, really, assertive here, and proud of it, not blaming anyone. I'm sick and tired of the victim role, I just want to keep going on with my life and try to be more of myself. - I'm not setting any more harsh goals for the time being. I'm focused on reading, healing myself and my relationships. As i said last post, I just want to vibrate higher. I think I'm doing pretty, pretty good, as Larry David says.

It's always encouraging to see some progress. That allows you to enter a loop where you keep healthy habits, which make you feel better and you do them again until you forgot about the old ones. Steady as she goes.

This days I'm calmer. All the healthy habits are starting to pay off. - Daily yoga (around 30 minutes) since quarantine started. - Reading books from Leo's list. The Sedona Method has really clicked, I love that mindset and the way of letting go toxic emotions. - Started a couple of creative projects, which allow me to connect with likeminded people and have a brighter future. - Paying attention to the nootropics forum. I ordered a tin of rhodiola, as I it could be useful for me. I don't feel anything in particular, but I am in a good mood lately. - A friend of mine introduced me a girl to date with. It was nice, but it's over. As I talked with her, it's all about vibration. So that's the goal: aiming to vibrate higher now! Stay safe!

You are already aware of the challenge, and that's already way more than most of people. If that's your goal, just go for it.

@studentofthegame both of those books have a similar approach. In the end, it all comes to release toxic thoughts and limiting beliefs. I'm loving the Sedona Method so far, it resonates with me and it's really clicking.

@studentofthegame glad to read you again. It feels like we are somehow lead to change during these times. It's great you made already two healthy habits and are not being to hard on yourself. About meditation, I wouldn't say it's for everyone. I did it for months consistently and didn't feel much, since I'm already by myself most of the time. Instead, two months of yoga really improved my breathing, my posture, and my mental health.

@studentofthegame Actually, I googled "Love what is" and there is a free pdf summing up the most important ideas from the book. It was powerful, but I don't think I'm going through the full book at the moment. After "Shadow dance", I already have at home "Taming your gremlin" and "The Sedona method" which I'm looking forward to read. About the job, sure, it's not easy... The only thing I'm demanding myself is to do something that gets me closer to my goals.

This week I'm obsessively reading, in particular "Shadow dance" by David Richo and "Love what is" by Byron Katie. I had huge "aha moments" with these books. What happens then is confiusing: I might think for a while I'm definitively healed, and everything looks shiny and great. Next day, though, I'm back to similar overthinking patterns. I'd say there is a progress, but really, really small. I guess they express a good mindset to approach life, but sometimes I'm doubting. I realized I'm specially triggered by stress, so my priority right now is to look for an alternative way of income.

Back to work this week. It's been tough working night shift. Despite the breakthrough I posted last week, my mind still plays dirty games on me. Good news I spot it earlier so I don't get in the loop. When I realize the separation between me and my thoughts, I often smile or even laugh. Seems my ego strikes back when I'm physically weaker: hungry, sleepy, tired, etc. It's unbelievable how much time and energy can consume negative thinking. I ordered the book "Taming your gremlin" which seems quite appropriate to deal with this situation. Reducing screen time has been also essential. Even I have nothing else to do, I'd rather lie on my bed resting and being mindful, than check my goddamn phone once again. Of course every now and then I fall back to same self-defeating behaviors, but I can see some progress in that sense. Yoga is indeed helping. It's been now 40 days of practice in a row and I do sense benefits in my posture and mental health. Chasing success, women, comparing to others and people-pleasing habits are no useful anymore either. Living in the comfort zone means healing, and that's not going to hurt for a while. Still, I keep an eye on job openings and are really clear about my goals.

During these quarantine times I'm having strong battles against my ego. I realized every time I feel bad somehow, either rejected or abandoned, my head starts blaming my parents for all my current trouble. I took a step back and asked myself why is that. Doing that I avoid taking responsibility for my situation and my past mistakes. It happens the same overthinking about some friend who betrayed me, or complaining about my job. It literally hurts being aware of such pain, but I had this breakthrough today. Writing it here will help to remember it from now on, and hopefully clears my mind a little bit.

@tenta Sorry, I don't really understand what you mean

@Commodent Thanks for your recommendations, all the best!

This is my last week off work. Finally I'm going to follow a schedule in order to be real productive at least a couple hours every day. This last month has been great for resting my body and learning a lot about myself. Now it's time to adopt a more active mindset. Shoutout to my neighbour: He has been encouraging me to keep working on goals, and I helped him running some errands. We have built a strong relationship these weeks. I think it's been a long time since I didn't connect with someone at that level, and somehow that's healing too. I needed to regain trust with someone. Lately I was really careful to avoid people-pleasing habits and that lead to emotional isolation, if that makes sense. It's good time to start opening up, even with this caos going on. There's something I've been observing more and more. Every time I'm able to get out from the victim mindset (which is often now), I feel physically weird. It's like I'm not wired for happiness and my body tells me I shouldn't feel good. I cannot guess where else are these comedowns, out of nowhere. I'm glad I'm aware of that now, and can work with yoga, breathing or hypericum. So that's it, the intention for this week is to create space for taking some action. All the best, folks!

@studentofthegame I don't think computer games are bad "per se", as long as you're not abusing. They are a good way of having fun and keeping your brain in shape. I also tried some creative free writing and drawing and it felt great. It helps to connect with yourself better.

@studentofthegame I like writing in general, but I specially like writing scripts, meaning movies. I already wrote some and have more ideas to develop. Since 4 years I made that my "life purpose". My intention this year was to shoot some short films in a professional way, and I want to use this time to prepare that. I did the "30 days of yoga challenge with Adriene" on Youtube and I liked it.

For some reason I set myself stupid strict rules like only writing here once a week. I'm gonna change that and do it as much as I want to or not at all. It's been several weeks now since I'm not working. Before I was in sick leave, now I'm on vacation. At the beginning I was quite excited about it, and even productive, writing and so on. Lately, I do feel less energy. I spend days on the couch, watching movies. Every now and then I find myself overthinking about the past. I can see some progress there, because now I can catch myself in those loops and stop them by repeating some mantra like "being a victim doesn't help" or "breath and be back". What I'm struggling the most now is to find passion or enthusiasm in something. This was a problem before the quarantine but I'm more aware of it now. My intention is to really tune in with my intuition and take action only what I genuinely feel I want to do. I will be selfish when I feel I have to. Next week: - Yoga is helping so I'm gonna keep doing that. - Taking hypericum again. - Sitting 5 minutes per day to write something. Just 5 minutes.

@studentofthegame It's great you managed to keep up with such healthy habits like exercise and music. Glad to see you back. Cheers.

@studentofthegame Thanks! Yeah, I guess we have to accept first what's going on in our mind, and then be responsible for it. Yoga makes me more aware of myself. Whenever I feel I'm being neurotic, I remind to just breath and focus on my body. It's helping.