Danielle

@LifeEnjoyer I'm so glad it helped you, I'm shocked how many people ended up reading it! I'm good, finished college and now trying to embody everything I've learned which is probably the most difficult part, but still so worth it! Good luck with your journey and much love to you 💗

@Salvijus Go out and find them, for they bring your Self with them. -> that is exactly it! Thanks for sharing!

@NoSelfSelf Yeah, its been fun! Glad to see you're a moderator now 😆

@Sugarcoat I'm glad to know there's other Croatian women here, all I've seen are men!

Hi, I haven't been on this forum for a year and today I felt this deep calling to reach out to people and help support anyone on this journey. I'm not looking to start teaching or break any forum guidelines. I've been on this spiritual journey for nearly a decade and I have gone through so much i can't even put into words. There's still lots I don't know but I wanna help those at the beginning of their journey or anyone struggling with spirituality really. I didn't know where to post this but either way I really want to help or support anyone on here who may read this. So much love, Danielle.

I am there where all paradoxes are Beyond everything and nothing is where I reside. Existence and non existence in one. Complete stillness and rapid movement. Total goodness and absolute evil. Complete free will and determinism. Utter despair and unimaginable gratitude. No way out, freedom at every turn. Total perfection and fucked up nonsense. I am that which I am not. Nobody seeing through no one. Emptiness and substance one. Nothing to stand on, firm ground everywhere. Tears of terror and bliss. Nothing more real than the dream. Paralyzing fear turned into courage. Nothing more deserving of love than the unlovable. Being awake the most deceptive form of dreaming. Suffering necessary joy. Words the only way for the unncomunicable. Everything equally important and redundant. Love the final enemy of the self. Accepting denial good way to flush out resistance. Brutal honesty just another lie. Transcendence the best way to be brought back to reality. Years of work put into one second of closing all doors to self forever. Saving yourself to save no one. Saying no sure way to be smothered by yes. Beyond space and time I am, bound only by a lie. Lifetime of confusion for one second of earthshattering clarity. Lifetime of self hate for one second of life changing self love. Balancing the known and the unknown only with faith. Having faith only in the unavoidability of love. Destruction of the interior for the new creation of exterior. Non experiencing every experience imaginable. Wanting not to be so much you're only left with being. Giving up yourself to gain yourself. Removing your eyes to see yourself. Always moving, never going anywhere. Those are all the things that I am and I am not.

LWAM Season 1, episode 12 I’m back to write my annual post. I had an itch to share some of the things I’ve been experiencing since last time so here I go again. I don’t even know why I would write anything because I would simply be repeating what’s been said a million times. But I also cannot NOT write because THE ITCH! Falling deeper into this never –ending funhouse of absolute nothingness tends to come in waves. After the initial shock of altered perception, it slowly becomes more and more natural and yet, there is always this element of surprise waiting around the corner. There are subtle ways in which I notice things changing. I guess I feel major shifts whenever there’s any change in the degree of identification with thoughts and feelings. And that’s the closest I can describe it because even saying that isn’t quite true. All that is happening is deeper falling and I don’t know what exactly is falling and where. Recently, there’s been a subtle way in which identification arises and drops almost instantly. The constant dissolving of this fake structure is so amusing. I see myself making stuff up and then convincing myself it’s the truth and maybe falling for it for a day or two before I see through the whole thing and then I’m back “at the right perception”. At this point I’m just fucking with myself for laughs. Like, how can I trick myself while also knowing I’m tricking myself? I do keep on dying on different levels and here’s what that looks like followed by random sentences I wrote in my journal about the thing: 1) BRAIN NOT WORKING WORDS WHAT I got somewhat used to not having memory, but then another disorienting thing happened with thoughts. As in, I would have intrusive thoughts about one particular thing and after a while it would exhaust itself completely and then I’d be left in this state of no thoughts. And from that state it would be very hard to articulate and formulate words. It feels as though my brain has been fried which is hilarious in and of itself because I can’t find the brain that I’m referring to. Everything is rising out of me and in me, I can’t believe it, I have no mind. I made it up!! There’s a mind that does what exactly?? 2) THE DICKHEAD I noticed that I no longer feel feelings of others which was an amazing relief because it meant that I no longer felt suffering hardly ever. And after that I noticed that - wait, I don’t feel any feelings period. And then oh, I do feel feelings, but it’s sort of like, they have nothing to with me so I don’t really pay that much attention to them. And when I do pay attention to a feeling and stay with it for a while, it fades away very quickly. Feelings are a nonissue because I don’t see a difference between “positive” and “negative” emotions. Like really! It doesn’t matter what I label the feeling, it’s gone before I try to get hold of it. I feel everything almost three feet away from me at all times. Things are not important - I don’t believe in them anymore. That’s why there a lot of things I feel like I can’t really relate to. One moment things matter to me, the next they don’t, it’s like they never happened. I’m having trouble with seeing people’s problems as problems because it all looks like imaginary nonsense. In any interaction my first reaction is: I’m not buying it. It almost like can’t relate to or understand personal issues. Or maybe I’m just a dickhead now. Practically, it might be said that I turned into a dickhead but strangely, I’m more compassionate than ever. The funny thing is that feeling people’s feelings and understanding them or believing in them doesn’t help them, it just puts suffering on top of suffering. Only when you don’t believe them can you feel real compassion. The paradoxes of this are insane. I can’t get sucked into human drama like before as in, I know it’s not real and because of that there’s so much compassion for anyone that does because I remember what it felt like. 3) FAMILY STANDS FOR??? The body that is here is certainly related to my family members, but my relationship with them is totally gone. I value them as people and continue to have relationships with them, but not as their daughter, sister or aunt. The person that they once knew is gone and they don’t even know it. I just do a hell of a job pretending. How can I be related to anything when I see myself being born and then dying each second that passes? What would that even mean? The person that I was is completely dead. I’m dying laughing. Dear god. The person that pretended to be here finally left, or honestly, was dragged out of the theater. 4) LOVE PERSONIFIED BLABLABLA I feel suffocated by love. The love is so intense I am scared of it. I am embodied love. And I love loving. I’m literally living in never ending love I am absolute love. What I am has never been hurt, never left, never rejected. It doesn’t know anything but pure love for itself. Read Meister Eckhart for much more clear insights about love if you’re in the mood. Everything is my body. I’ll never be able to express the gratitude I feel. I genuinely don’t need anything outside of what needs to keep the body mind alive. I want everyone to experience this, but I’m not sure they are ready or even want to. Every moment I am there, always there, never arriving, never going, always here, always full, always infinite, always at the place of life and death and neither. End credits: All creation is hollow, and a picture's a shadow. Just a symptom of love, with a lack of a cause. Directed by The Prime Minister of writing clichès on forums.

LWAM Season 1, episode 11 I guess I’m the person who writes one post a year now. Should i start writing poetry? Jeez, I can't write a cohesive sentence to save my life. Except that one and the one I'm writing now. Random words, thoughts and feelings scattered in all my writings. No way of properly conveying them but wanting to share something. So here they are, make of them what you will and I hope they make some sense and resonate. One moment I’m there, the next I’m gone Opening and closing, almost on the clock Inside is outside, outside is inside Thoughts are outside, people inside Sometimes you go outside, sit on your bike, look at your neighbor you’ve known for 20 years and there it is. Clear as day; God! Duh! Everywhere I go it’s there Every second that passes it's it- IT IS IT! Selfing feels claustrophobic There is no fuel in the structure, keeps falling apart like a house of cards There is nowhere to go in the mind I am unknowable I am the thing trying to reach itself No ending, no conclusion, no certainty Life now has no substance, it's like a breeze There is no play yet I perform I’ve been searching for truth and meanwhile living it Reality is completely bendable String between thoughts and feelings cut off, both like puzzle pieces that don't fit with each other anymore Every few months there's another layer of this thing. I find so much joy in it Through insanity sanity, through lies truth, through death life, through infinite stories silence, through aloneness company I am alive and I am dead. I am the writer and the written. I am the director and the actor. I am the why and the because. I am the known and the unknown. But really, I am love and nothing else. End credits: I am washing; I am washing your skin. Your skin I am calling your son. Directed by The Cloud of Nonsense.

@Rinne Possibly in the future, certainly not in the next 3-5 years.

@Igor82 I'm glad the journal had an impact, thank you for your kind words.

LWAM Season 1, episode 9. I know, I know, I didn't write anything in forever, but just hear me out, okay? I'll start at the beginning. I've fallen deeper into emptiness. It's funny because it went from I am Danielle DUH!, to I am nothing and everything to I'm not nothing nor am I anything else besides nothing and it's so obviously true! To save you from mental masturbation, wait till you become it because holy smokes! It has left me utterly speechless, not being able to do anything but bask in it for days on end. The stuff I experienced a year ago seems silly in comparison. I was rereading stuff from this journal and found it unbelievably delusional and hilarious. It's astounding how different my perception is- now it's crystal clear, even more so than the first time it shifted because the difference is insane. Another thing:memory. I don't have it. They don't tell you about this in enlightenment brochures. My short term memory is non existent. Every insight I had recently I had to write down immediately or it'd be lost forever. I had a presentation a while back and few minutes before it I realized I forgot everything. And weirdly enough, when it was my turn to speak I started talking effortlessly. I don't know how it happened and it was strange at first, but it's kinda fun not to know anything now. I cried out of love in public couple of times this month. Just kidding, this week. The love is beyond all ideas and feelings of oneness, beyond God and beyond all whys. It's an never-ending orgasm of being that loves. I find myself in situations that previously brought a lot of suffering. I have no resistance to any of it and no pain arises. It keeps on shocking me how distorted my perception was. I see family members and friends creating fantasy suffering and problems while carrying the self as a trusty perception distorter. You know how I said I was out and about? Well that turned around again since this unraveling started. I suddenly have 0 interest in anything besides sitting in silence and savouring the moment. Is this it now? Will I just stay silent forever? Will I find a cave and spend the next decade in it? I really don't know, I had the need to share this with you so that's probably a no. I spent the last 8 months in a non dual honeymoon and now it's time to go deeper. After the ecstasy, the laundry. End credits: There is no other day Let's try it another way You'll lose your mind and play Directed by a 20-year-old ox tamer.

@jjer94 When I come to the US and find a decent statue to sleep on I'll gladly show you Right back at ya! You might want to consider a haircut though Mr.Reeves @Rinne I changed my mind about that lol. Thank you for reading

LWAM Season 1, episode 8 Hey The Black Eyed Peas! Three words can describe my current existence: Out and about. This summer was the exact opposite of last year's, which I spent mostly inside alone, meditating and contemplating about existence. I based my introversion on my sensitivity to the outside world and general disinterest in humans which, as it turns out, is just an exaggerated half truth based on fear. I had 3 main tasks: 1. Step out of my comfort zone. 2. Do things I haven't done before. 3 Meet new people. The end results were: not sleeping for 30 hours straight, sleeping at random places in public, getting constantly asked for drugs because it's peculiar to be so happy sober, playing at a kids' park, actually opening up to strangers, hooking up with said strangers, getting high with said strangers, getting random insights sporadically, complete loss of anxiety, dancing for 7 hours straight, being outside of my head for once and having constant THIS IS GOD moments. Few specific ones come to mind. I woke up from the world's most uncomfortable nap on a statue in Budapest, would not recommend btw, and saw a guy randomly doing yoga next to me. The timing of him doing the poses was impeccable and in his movements I saw God. I witnessed recovering addict's story and could feel his pain and the struggle he went through while also having the deep realization that all of that was God too, the rock bottom and the hopelessness that accompanied it were absolute perfection in a very brutal sense. I overslept and was running late to a train and had 12 minutes to run through the whole city to make it and while I was running like a maniac I had 2 thoughts. One was naturally:" I'm not going to make it" over and over again and the other was: it's startling I get to experience this, running like all hell, people looking at me like I'm insane whilst melting due to the hot weather. I can't believe this is happening. I know this is God! At a festival a guy stood up in front of the stage and started to cry while having the biggest smile on his face and the sun started to come out and I teared up with him because it was so beautiful. When I was done dad dancing at a club and started to observe people, it felt very strange to watch them. It felt as though I saw humans for the very first time and got this unshakeable feeling like I was on an alien planet. This human mask we wear was seen through as a facade and it was the funniest thing ever. My best friend broke up with me. The pain I felt seemed almost comforting, sadness different. Usually I'd go down a suicidal rabbit hole, reinforcing old beliefs about people, bringing back trust issues, but for the first time that didn't happen. There was a deep knowing that all the memories we shared and the love I had for her and the loss I experienced were the same thing-God. I used to be so afraid of interaction and rejection, but now I see engaging with people worth it, no matter what the outcome ends up being. This has been a shock therapy of sensations, emotions and people and even though I feel tired, I'm very grateful for the glorious lessons I would otherwise miss out on if I hadn't gone outside. End credits: See the lord and all the mouths he feeds Let it roll among the weeds Let it roll Directed by an exhausted ex misanthrope.

LWAM, Season 1 episode 7 Hey peas! Sorry for the delay of the show, my writers were on a strike due to the whole losing to France thing. I've written some pretty deep stuff last month, but I feel like sharing it later on. Instead of describing my experience and the chaotic peacefulness that is currently overshadowing my reality, I'll give really bad advice for the 3 most frequent spiral dynamics stages while they are still hot topic in here. STAGE BLUE: Have 2 and 3/4 kids, 2 dogs roughly speaking, and a white picked fence. Get a tattoo of Trump on your heart. Never ever have a thought of your own. Blame Muslims for all your political problems. Demonize psychedelics while binge drinking. Talk badly about your country every day except on national days when you're a ultranationalist. Debate how all religions are wrong except yours. Devide humans in us vs them category. Never question authority figures. Look down upon all alternative lifestyles outside of the system. Kick your lgbt kids out of the house. View divorce as a sin. View anything outside of tradition as a threat. STAGE ORANGE Have about 15 Armani shirts that say happiness is in the small things. Celebrate your birthday at the gym and work out while eating the cake so it doesn't ruin your six pack. Pay more attention to your things than your children. Choose life. Choose a job. My bad, wrong movie. Demonize all religions, but be religiously atheistic. Quote Tony Robbins in every conversation. Categorize people in terms of their usefulness to your success. Never allow a moment of silence - bombard yourself with constant stimulation and noise. Favour superficial relationships over anything real. Form connections based upon image. Worry more about being presentable in society than personal happiness. STAGE GREEN: Justify everything with nonduality theory. Jerk off to your superiorty on the spiral dynamics. Eat 20 avocados a day and post each of them on Instagram. Change your name into something hindu. Don't wash your hair because it's egoic. Have a~ meat is murder~ sticker on your backpack. Completely deny that money exists and that you need it. Play the victim card when someone questions the beliefs of your group. Call people closeminded when they won't buy into your ideology. Be obnoxiously self-righteous about everything. Stage Danielle Use humor as a self defense mechanism. Choose nonduality over self esteem issues because you're too evolved for such basic tasks. Only listen to songs 20 people have heard. Enroll in a course called popular culture while being a hipster. Send people to dead-end streets when they ask for directions cause you're socially inept. Have a crush on a straight girl for the thousand time.Have Heat of the Moment as your ringtone for 4 years because you're that afraid of change. Lastly (not clickbait) life saving tips Stop reading vampire romance novels. Start a band in which everyone plays triangle and perform only Ode to Joy. Stay alive for the drums in When the levee breaks. Pet cats. Do balet moves in a night club. Make strong eye contact with strangers. Never finish a post without being cynical. End credits: Everyone's begging for an answer without regard to validity. The searching never ends and it goes on and on and for eternity. Directed by Green - yellow Croatian Doctor Phil.

@jjer94 That's an excellent analogy! I know this conversation by heart LOL. I think the main source of nihilism is fear of love and fear of life. It's much easier to give up on everything than to willingly try. Still, it's much more rewarding to say yes to it.