Danielle

I would recommend doing some form of mindfulness practice first, because you don't yet understand the difference between awareness and thought. Raise your awareness first and then start asking the real questions. You can do self inquiry first, but it won't be as powerful. It depends, people who have been doing inquiry for years can do it in any situation with a lot of people around them, but in your case, because you're starting out, best option would be to do it alone in silence. And yeaah keep asking, ask as much as you want, I ask myself from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep(when I remember). The mind has to exhaust itself somehow

Ofcourse you weren't. You went into this thinking you'll get answers to every single question, like the rest of us, but guess what? Greatest answers are non verbal and the more you provide your understanding from silence, the clearer it will be : i don't know anything. And that is okay!

Get used to it. Enjoy the shit out your not knowing

So I had an enlightenment experience less than a month ago when I realized that all is one/me. Since then I gradually went back to my old ways- bad habits, getting drunk, judging 24/7 etc. I feel haunted by this irrational fear that I will become reality(?) and I haven't been able to do a proper inquiry and meditation this whole month. It feels like all the desire for truth and huge passion I had just vanished totally. And everywhere I look I see suffering, but I am aware that I am creating it. All of it is fucking ME I feel like I'm losing my mind and suicidal thoughts have never been more present. It's strange that I'm having full on nervous breakdowns and yet I feel untouched by them, there is like a part of me that feels totally okay with it, it never happend to me before. I know this post is a mess, but I had to get this off my chest This is a cry for help, any advice how to deal with this shaky, reality -shattering ground would be appreciated.

Thank you Leo, I'll work on it.

@Stoica Doru I actually overcame all of my addictions (at least I thought) in last 6 months and was free of them until post awakening. I guess that's what Leo calls ego backlash. I'll check out the video. Thank you, much love

Thank you all so much! I'll do my best @Shin yeah I see what you're saying. I am aware when I'm doing the unconscious behaviour that i am actually running away from myself. It's painfully obvious now.

Definitely The end of your world by adyashanti. In my opionion it's the best no bullshit, straightforward nondual book out there, especially when you're feeling confused and disoriented.

Be careful not falling into this trap because loving everyone because they are you is based on an belief and not on actual experience. (I'm assuming). Then it will be the easiest thing in the world.

He said he's retired, but maybe he'll continue on when he feels ready again.

Glad you're making progress man! Btw I think Rakesh deserves a nobel prize for those thumbnails

Yeah "you" might!

Stop wanting and it will be shown to you lol

I wanted to share an experience I had last night. It was around midnight when I started to meditate and it was really hard. I felt frustrated and desperate. I kept opening my mouth and screaming silently and like punching my fists on my pillow. I just thought: I can't do this anymore, fuck this enlightenment bullshit, this is stupid, i will go insane etc. And then I started to cry, i just couldn't handle it anymore, I crossed my hands like I was about to pray and then kept shaking my head saying I can't, I can't and when that didn't work I just let go, I surrendered completely. Then, it happend. OH MY FUCKING GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. ITS ALL ONE, ITS ALL ONE, ITS ALL ME,ITS ALL ONEEEE AAAA. Those were the thoughts I had for 30 minutes straight and my perception changed, I can't explain it,it was all oneeee!!! Like literally, that chair I was looking at was me just like "my" body. There wasn't a difference between the two. I lost myself totally, there wasn't any "me" thoughts, just "its all one" over and over again .I started crying again out of pure love and gratitude because I recognized I was never truly alone, I was never seperate. I never felt that kind of intimacy in my entire life. After crying my eyes out I started to laugh my ass off because it was so obvious! So obviousssss that all of it is one, all me. It was so hilarious that I thought anything else. I woke up about an hour ago and I feel really different, my perception shifted, i can't explain how but it when I look at objects, i can look at them as they are, there is little to no monkey chatter. I feel really confused and just in awe. I had no idea what "all is one" meant. I had no idea how frustrating and painful self inquiry is. I had no idea how deluded I was and still am. I had no idea that I was responsible for everything, all of emotions, all of my suffering. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I started doing this. I had no idea how closeminded I was and what love actually meant. Thanks for reading. Has this happend to anyone here? Have I gone insane or am I on the right track? I feel like there was a dropping of the ego, but that's just ego talk

I tried it but it didn't go deep enough into my subconscious, so I quickly switched it into croatian.

Lool Just 9000 to go http://www.kristisnyderllc.com/how-to-be-patient-while-waiting-for-a-spiritual-breakthrough/ There you go

Hahaha yeah. To be fair, I'm not the only one, if I'm not mistaken @Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj and @Azrael had those enlightenment experiences and they are pretty damn young And how am I supposed to transcend my ego when you give me such sweet words? Lol

Sure. I have been meditating for 10 months, mostly SDS combined with self inquiry, which I started only 7 months ago,it was hard to convince myself I have listened to a few audio books and that's it. Getting too lost in complex spiritual ideas and doing mental masturbation seems like a waste of time when I could be actually looking at what I am. I only learned about the fundemental things by watching youtube videos and satsangs so I can leave some space in my mind I haven't done any psyhcedelics because I think I'm not mature/ready yet. I'm 18. I feel like I have to lay the foundation first-at least a year or two of meditation and inquiry. Yes, I know what you're talking about, I experienced it too. No worries man, you will get there. Be patient and it will deliver itself

It happend to me before, but it wasn't so intense. So true. And what really gets me every time is how obvious it was, the degree of deception is just mindblowing.

Yes they were, the terror and bliss weree amazing, there is no way to understand it if you haven't experienced it. Imagine the happiest moment in your life, now multiple it by 10000! It is not happiness, its bliss, but even bliss is a weak word.

I wouldn't be so certain lol

I will once I finish and when I have enough free time. Probably in june lol

Actually i've been rewatching all of them and taking notes everyday hahah I don't know what I'll do once I finish, it'll be my last addiction to overcome

Happy birthday Leo, thank you for everything!

What @Prabhaker said , on a more relative level, Shinzen Young said strong determination sitting and I can confirm it's the fastest way to see big results, but it's also really emotionally challenging.