Danielle

I'm done. It's been 3 days since it happened, or to be more precise - nothing happened. I feel like a newborn. Everything looks the same, but has a different quality, it's perceived from a different place. I had all the wrong ideas about enlightenment. I idealized it too much, I thought it'd be like all the mystical states I've had, but that's not true. It's just true perception, that's all. Nothing can be gained from it or lost from it. It also doesn't change anything, since it's always been that way, but it changes everything because one's life is finally put into proper perspective. At first I couldn't believe it was happening, but it was so obviously true. Where did all my suffering go? Where did all my fears go? Where did my identity go? Where did the spiritual seeker go? Anger, boredom, loneliness? Turns out that ALL of it were fictions of the mind, never had any reality in the first place. Yesterday I read some entries from my journal and it all seems like a distant memory, even though I was suffering so badly just a week ago. All I can see now are delusions on top of delusions, all imaginary, all self inflicted. Ego loves to suffer, loves to struggle, loves to be in conflict, it's what keeps it alive . Ego is created and maintained through huge, constant effort. That's what blew my mind. The awakened state isn't extraordinary, the egoic paradigm is. That delusion is a piece of art, a masterpiece! The distinction between life and death is gone, I saw I just made it up. The distinction between external and interal is gone. It was a belief I adopted. The distinction between me and other is gone, ofcourse being a fantasy. This awakening build over the years. This tension build over years just to be destroyed. It couldn't be any other way for me. The best thing that could happen to a self is no self. Nothing can get to that which I am. I am completely untouchable, unborn, undying, Mu, Brahman, Kim Jong Un etc. This 'life' is so complete and so perfect beyond imagination. Any idea of a lack is a fantasy. I'm still getting used to this new way of being. And yeah, I feel peaceful all the time, gurus were right about that. There is clearity and a simple, effortless flow. As a side effect there is also a calling for serving others, wanting to love and help them without an agenda. Even though this awakening was so complete and perfect,I know there's deeper to go. In many ways I'm done, but I'm also just beginning. SDS effects are over and post awakening Sadhana begins.

The seeking and the seeker are gone if that's what you mean. And there is no longer Danielle here to become enlightened, that whole idea is hilarious now

After becoming God I was left with two main issues: 1. I am God. That insight was no longer a belief or something I heard from Leo. It was my direct experience and it turned my reality upside down even more. The mind came in right away: But that sounds insane,it can't be right. I'm God, what??! 2. I am perfect. Everyone else is perfect. Reality is perfect. I can't accept that, things don't seem perfect to me. Why do I even bother improving myself if I'm perfect? Why do I judge other people if they're perfect too? You'd think that finding out you're God would be the best news ever, but no. It meant that this whole Danielle thing I have going has no reality whatsoever and for that matter, never had. I've spent the next three days reassuring myself that I wasn't crazy. It felt like I was being peeled and every belief that got taken away from me hurt like a bitch. I was waking up in a living nightmare. Overwhelming intense emotions were coming too fast from all sides. My mind was going crazy like I'll have a some kind of a break any moment. Then the worst night of my life came. The usual weeping, crying and screaming showed up, alongside their good friend - suicidal thoughts. I recalled all the pain I've ever felt and all the pain others 've felt. I become the pain itself. I allow myself to be hopeless and desperate. No enlightenment, no nirvana, no place to be, no heaven, no baby Jesus, no light, no future, no hope, no way out. No way of being normal or alright ever again. I got nothing to grasp, no one can help me now. I dive into insanity and dive into death. The comfy illusions got turned off and reality just showed up. I never noticed how many filters I've had over reality and seeing through them was scary. I was attached to those labels. I based everything off of them,but it didn't help, they fell away anyway. The last thought I had before finally going to sleep was: My life is over. And was I right! It's a really strange place I find myself in now. Emotional pain disappeared all of a sudden. I allow whatever comes without attaching my story to it. There is no striving. There is no comparison. There is no worry. There are no more questions. No need to understand anything. There are no desires. No purpose, no meaning, no value, no interest. The notion of goals and prefrences do not make sense anymore. Any thought that says I have any influence over reality creates laughter. I surrender to what is, because it's perfect. There is no pressure to be somebody. What a relief! I'm no one and I love it. I don't know anything and I love it. I'm not important at all and I love it. If all my fears came true i'd be just fine. That'd be perfect. My limited existence is perfect. Nothing got resolved and that's perfect.

@Rinne Thank you. Good luck, it'll definitely change you for good if you endure it

Thank you! Don't worry about it, distractions will eventually fall away too. Just keep at it.

Thank God my roomate left because she would've sent me to a mental hospital. Besides crying all the time and laughing hysterically at random moments, her beloved roomate had a nervous breakdown a couple of days ago and just now she was torn apart again, but in a beautiful way. I was sitting at my desk just casually reading when I had the sudden urge to stop everything that I was doing and go sit in the dark in silence. It's a common practice, but this time, I knew something was about to go down. I sat there for a bit and then got up to look at myself in the mirror. Immediately - tears. Saying "i love you" a thousand times. Went back to the room, looked out of the window and cried some more. Crossed my hands and whispered "thank you, thank you". I am in complete rapture at this point. I kneel down and cry out of love. I get flashbacks from my childhood, how I once had that love and here it is again. I rejoice that I have it back. I have the faith back. I feel the love overwhelming me. The embrace is too huge. The love is too big. I say in my mind "I'll never doubt again" and then close my eyes. I open my arms like I want to hug the air and feel my sense of self eradicating. Next thing I know I'm squatting beside the coffee table -looking at it, touching it, putting my face on the glass, kissing it and kissing my hands. The love is being poured into my system and I don't know what to do with it. The embrace is closer than close. There are no thoughts, no problems, no past, no future, no other people, no time, no space - just God. And out of nowhere this thought shows up: "Where's Danielle?" And the answer comes: " I killed her". Then 'I' laugh and laugh. I am Godhead. My jaw drops and i say "oh my god oh my god" all over again with tears of love so intense it's almost unbearable. I don't know for how long I sat there crying; in an utter shock and disbelief, I had no sense of time. As you might imagine, Danielle appeared again and is now trying to understand what the hell happened. When I came back, I noticed I had little sense of my body. It was light as a feather and more relaxed. And then all the usual thoughts came, usual issues came, my body started to feel heavy again. But something changed for good. I feel weird, effortlessly present, with no doubt in my mind what happened was real, was really true. Truth has its grip on me. As soon as I open up, here it comes to take me. And all I wanna say now is hell yes!

I went too far this time. I really got myself in the deep end. Let me present to you the biggest ego backlash to date! This is what ego's rant on everything looks like. After being blissed out and up on cloud nine thinking I actually got somewhere, reality showed up and decided to wake me up to the biggest degree yet. I have no idea what to do with the realizations that initially created endless joy, later existential terror; like these: I actually thought reality was real and solid. I thought I knew what reality was. Why did I ever wonder about death if I don't even know what life is?? Doesn't make much sense. I thought I knew who I was. Even after having so many moments of clearity and insights about no self, I've always had the story of me back in my mind: " I'm sure I'm somewhere here" I thought mystical states and positive emotions meant I was moving forward towards this thing called 'nirvana' lol. Looking back, my first enlightenment experience was very important to get me started, but from this new perspective, it was an utter delusion. " I became a chair, wow, I'm nearly self realized now" I thought I was pursuing enlightenment and not the other way around. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. End of suffering sounds nice, right? Here's a bit of unconditional love to get you hooked and a whole new belief system to serve as a complete denial and an escape from truth. I had no idea how serious this was. I signed up for my death. I thought I knew things about life in general. All of it is complete fiction. I've reached the point of ultimate doubt in everything. The doubt is so huge it feels like it will annihilate me. I used spirituality to avoid death, but spirituality = death. It's funny how all my so called problems seem to disappear when I come into contact with the truth. Because then my survival is on the line! And let me tell you, I'm in the process of dying. It's not some abstract death, it's LITERAL. The realization I saw is something that every human being is running away from and it has sent me into full on panic mode. I started to run again with others, full speed. Due to the constant fear of nonexistence and insanity, I've made my way back into comfortable lies. I did my best to distract myself as much as I could. Tried the usual sensory pleasures: junk food, music, movies, reading and all of that. When that didn't work, tried with other people, with working out, with yoga and with meditation. I can't even meditate anymore. It's too painful.I get heart palpitations, feeling like I'm going to pass out and be sucked into nothingness just 10 minutes in. Naturally, I stop and distract myself with something. And I come here, writing being my last straw, and it fails too. As I'm writing this, I know exactly what I'm doing - postponing my death. All I ever do is try to prolong this illusion of existence. Resistance is futile. Distractions are futile. Thank you Morrissey. Thank you Jed. I'm almost ready to die now.

Look at all these people with their narratives of what life is about! With all their stories of what they should do and how they should behave. With all their authentic desires in the trash and new fake ones created for them. With all their weapons that are guarding their true feelings. With all their achievements and golden medals hiding their burning desire to be truly seen, to have someone pat them on the back and say:" I see you. Wow, you really are something. Thank you for existing!" And this character Danielle. Where do I begin? With all my shame for seeing things so differently. With all my limiting beliefs of what I can do. With all my fear of being totally open and vulnerable. With all my judgments and feelings of superiority. With all my conflicted desires and motivations. With all my heartbreaking, brutal thoughts of running, escaping, ending this play I call my life. My life is no longer mine, never really was. Why am I even trying to understand what is happening to me? Life knows exactly where it's taking me and there's no way I could understand. That's what I'm lacking. Faith! Faith that this time I won't be hurt or lost. Absolute trust that all of this is worth it in the end. The belief that I'm headed in the right direction. Even though I'm certain this path will lead me to my ultimate defeat, I somehow still keep on walking it, tear by tear, backlash by backlash, mindfuck by mindfuck , until I end up on my knees thinking why I questioned anything in the first place.

@Shin This is just the beginning! Hope you're feeling better ❤

@h inandout

Spoiler alert: huuge post ahead of ya! Tuesday, 30. January - Friday 2.of February 4 day half assed solo med/contemplation retreat (half assed because of my inability to meditate for more than 3 hours per day + i went to take an exam on wednesday- had human contact) aka TORTURE 101 The following post contains coarse language and due to its content should not be read by anyone! Context: My roomate unexpectedly had to leave so I got the chance to be all by myself with nothing to do. So I did! Rules No internet No music No friends No books No self help related stuff No texting No forum No youtube No distractions Used my phone for writing down these ramblings, metronome beats for concentration and insight timer for meditation My days consisted of meditation, contemplation, concentration and only basic things for survival Tuesday - breakdown Ramblings I miss my cat. I consider myself to be an intorvert, but holy shit does having someone around make a difference. Even if that someone's an animal. People need their devices to continue living miserably Internet withdrawls Sweating out resistance Mind's endless shitshow- never ending distraction. Even if there's nothing to do, mind still finds something. Full appreciation of things- oranges taste amazing. All food for that matter. Observing a spider i didn't know i had became super amusing Good ol' why the fuck did i do this?! This is torture. Maybe Jack Nicholson was right, maybe I can't handle the truth. Trump probably started a nuclear war, half of the population is gone and i don't know anything. - mind using all kinds of justifications to make me want to go back online. I'm addicted to music/noise. I'm addicted to escape. I'm addicted to daydreaming: through music, writing, listening to people etc. I feel like a mad person. I feel like an animal! Internal screaming (mostly during sds) Fascination with things Not being able to write. I remember feeling really frustrated because I couldn't write whole sentences and also couldn't write with paper and pen. I never realized how much satisfaction I derive from it. Flashbacks of feeling like this as a child, being connected to reality Emotions Boredom Loneliness Joy Rage Laughing Meditation: 3 hours Contemplation: 8 hours Wednesday - breakdown Crazy / nightmare dreams. Incest sex dreams, dead animals, murder, rape - all that good stuff. Woke up like two times during the night, had enourmous headache Resistance bigger than yesterday Feeling like a baby-watching oatmeal drop from my spoon Feeling older than my generation Interactions feel amazing. I'm hyper aware of everything and feel more open. Father-son image. As I was walking to the university, I saw a father holding his son's hand and just walking through the city. And in an instant, I saw it. It was so obvious. I saw one being pretending to be both the son and father and I laughed and laughed. ( probably shouldn't have out loud though, since there were other people around me ups) Questioning my sanity Talking to myself/singing Silence is driving me insane Actual screaming Feeling like someone let me out of my cage Life slowed down My desire for truth doubled Things began to take an eternal quality Bottom line for this day: Curiosity killed the cat! Emotions Terror Bliss Awe Peace Feeling insane Laughing Fear (of death and insanity) Meditation: 2 hours Contemplation: 7 hours Thursday - breakdown Woke up tired because of my fanatic dreams of reliving every trauma. It feels like I'm reliving my life in my dreams. Always been an observer, not a participant Existential pondering then 10 min of looking at my nails and hands. I literally spent 10 whole minutes looking at them, wtf? Phone is another limb of mine Tried beatboxing lol, failed Mind all over the place,daydreaming It's AMAZING to be Heat during sds Making faces in the mirror Happy baby pose half the day Fuck internet To be is the greatest joy there is Emotions Peace Satisfaction Fulfillment Boredom Anger Relaxation Meditation 3 hours Contemplation: 7 hours Friday - breakdown Why am I not always living like this??? Stress is caused by a bunch of noise Tension in my body Desire to stay like this, not wanting to go back to ordinary living Desire for a radical change Scared of how detached I feel from the people i love. Do i even like them or just like their validation? And finally tears- love for truth, calling from the divine hahahah the gurus were right, you really don't need anything to be happy. Like really oh my god what a relief! I don't need the latest clothes, my phone, the internet, books, like any posessions, people, music etc NOTHING I love you the internet, but I love the truth more Truth is so fucking all consuming and radically loving it just left me not wanting anything. The truth is all I need The calling is unavoidable Thank you thank you Being connected to reality is what i need. Nothing else I don't no longer miss anyone or anything Never laughed so hard in my life as to the idea that youu need something to be happy.That idea is absurd. Youuu are it, I can't even begin to tell you. What i'm experiencing is unbelieveable,impossible, but so fucking real! Emotions Excitement Tranquility Restlessness Worry Fear Ecstatic bliss Gratitude Laughing while crying Meditation: 1,30 h Contemplation: 4 hours These last few days were life changing. On friday night I got back home, so my retreat didn't last 4 full days, oh well. I don't think I'll ever forget what I realized here and I look forward to doing more of these in the future, no matter how notoriously laborious it gets. Main takeaways: I gotta face my demons more often I finally figured out what I want!!! On Thursday I finally got it. The list goes as follows : truth, deep spiritual connection and life purpose/ contribution. Due to yesterday's realizations that list now looks like this: nothing. I'm guessing those desires will come back though I'm so addicted to noise, it was so shocking to see that. I was having serious withdrawal symptoms. My love is endless. My life is an utter lie and I just want to serve. That's all folks!

All the things I thought I wanted turned out to be empty and in the process of getting it, I realized I didn't really need it or even want it. My desires exhausted themselves and here I am not wanting. True not wanting. I don't want to be perceived as special or as an inspiration. I don't want to have a different life. I don't want to be anyone else. I don't want to escape this limited form. I don't want a different destiny. I want this one. I want this pain and all these problems. I want this society I don't belong in. I want this boredom and emptiness. I want the feeling of not being good enough. I want all my imperfections and traumas. I want everything I didn't want. I want everything I denied. It's not real 'wanting' it's a more so complete yes to everything. Prior to this, my innermost desire was to escape this particular life, this character Danielle. Spirituality was like the perfect way to escape myself and my life while telling myself I was facing it. I just switched between distractions, before it was 3 hours of watching Shameless and after it was 3 hours of listening to Mooji or whoever. I actually thought I would gain something by listening to them, what?! The whole idea just seems absurd to me now. Sure, they can guide you out of dead ends and bring clearity, but they can't give you anything. Not really. All these spiritual ideas were just lies on top of lies on top of lies. Truth takes care of it anyway, my complex blabla isn't necessary. There is just a silent yes present here. The tension in my body has decreased and I've been entrenched in bliss followed by hysterical laughter. I don't know how long this will last so I might as well say it now when it's true. Give me all the pain! Give me all the suffering that ever existed. Swallow me alive, I don't care. I'll say yes no matter what. There is an just an ocean of love in me that can't say no anymore.

When nothing is going my way and there is no point to anything - all of sudden it's there. The solution arises out of nowhere, shakes me out of my delusional conceptualization addiction and kicks me in the ass. There is always a way that things work themselves out, things simply fall perfectly in place, as though by design! Look at your life, it's a testament of love. Drop all your ideas of what's true and see what's true - you are held, right now, you can't escape it. And the beauty, the aliveness!!! It kills me that i can't have it. I can't own it. I can't grasp it although I try so hard. It's always there, patiently waiting for me to get over my bullshit - staring at me at all times, waiting for me to notice it once in a blue moon, and when I do, what a love that is!

Life is meaningless. All there is is emptiness. Bla bla bla. Aaaand it's gone! Now that's nihilism's done here are a ton of emotions that will overwhelm you all at once. The tragedy is, since they are coming and going too fast, you won't be able to attach yourself to one. Too bad! Two words could sum up my whole sense of identity: denial and repression. Repression is now coming to the surface. I've repressed all my desires to fit other people's idea of me. I've repressed all my anger because I'm afraid of confortation. 'I can't be angry, I'm a peaceful person who never gets into arguments.' I've repressed all my true feelings about people to avoid hurting them and just being in contact with people that I don't even like. I've repressed all my beliefs that are considered to be 'crazy' in society to avoid their disapproval. I've repressed all the words I wanted to say, but couldn't because 'that doesn't sound like something I would say'. This is ridiculous! Even worse than that, I've been constructing this fantasy world in my head, just ideas on top of ideas, stories of everything and nothing expecting it to come true while repressing any type of action to make that fantasy come alive in reality. And here comes the best part: denial that I'm repressing anything! I've been under this mechanism since I was a small child and only now I've seen it. Can't say it's been fun to be under this mechanism, so I'll just show myself out.

Quality over quantity. I use to do 1 hour and a half of daily meditation and found that I get lost in the monkey mind after an hour, now I do 40 minutes of laser focused meditation. My best advice is to judge by the signs outside of your practice. Any signs of purification? Insights coming? Sense of well being etc. A good sign of progress is little to no difference in awareness when you're meditating and when you're not. Best practice is practice outside of practice

Nihilism tends to kick in just in time when I'm done processing what exactly happened during my latest 'awakening'. Ever since I realized there's nothing to do, I've been running around doing everything under the sun. When that wore off, I ended up exactly where I started before I had all those insights. Just meaningless this, meaningless that staring at my face. I stopped listening to spiritual teachings, thinking about them, forcing myself to act in a way they feel true. When you exhaust thinking about those teachings, you just stop and think: what the hell am I doing? I have no idea what these people are talking about, not until I've experienced it. This cycle of awakenings and dark nights is becoming predictible and boring, but only when I'm in the midst of a dark night ? Nihilism itself feels so stupid and empty, it doesn't come with strong negative emotions, it's just pure mental mastrubation for the sake of it. I don't wish for anything to be different than it is, anyone to change to fit my ideas of a more loving world etc. Every theory I try to come up, story of my life or whatever I try to figure out in any capacity just fails to sustain itself and ends up being a blank - raw direct experience with a bunch of unnecessary commentary. So, in a nutshell, all of this is just mental masturbation thinking about mental masturbation. Until the next mental masturbation, I'll be what I am, solitary woman.

@h inandout i'm glad you found it helpful

Guess who's back in ego land? Since my insight about everything being divine, that exact same divine decided to test me. Oh here's some old repressed trauma, is it divine? Here's some self deprecating thoughts you thought you were through with. Is that divine? Here is someone questioning your vegan agenda, how about that? And the biggest of them all: confortation. I've been running from it all my life, avoiding conflicts at all costs. The shear thought of hurting someone or even worse, them having a low opinion of me if a conflict arises is horrfying. I've managed, however, to face them all and ofcourse feel shitty, sucking up people's pain and heavy emotions, but also laugh at myself for taking it so seriously. I feel like there's a hurricane of negative emotions coming my way. But I'd choose this hurricane every time over numbed down, painful state I feel other people having. What seems to be the end of me seems to be the best possibility out there.

@cena655 Yes, but I found it changes a lot. One week you don't have to sleep much, another you have insomnia, the other you feel exhausted and want to sleep for 12 hours. It isn't something that's static

@jjer94 out of all the amazing posts you've written this has got to be the best one. Seriously, thank you for this. I can relate 100%

@cirkussmile By doing the practice you can stop resisting easily, but in actuality, you can stop any time you want. It's always here, you just choose to resist moment by moment

How about this one? Stop resisting what is. Ta-da!

All my questions disappeared, all my ideas about what is and what should be, all my concepts about life and most importantly, about myself. Emotions and thoughts don't have the weight they used to have. They just pass without no traction. I have no preferences, no wants to change anything, no desire to bring resistance back up. It feels so good to allow what is. I lost all illusion of control! Maya will play itself any way it wants. I asked myself: Why me? when I was suicidal. Nowadays I still ask that question. Why me? Why did I get so lucky to see so clearly? It sounds rather disempowering when I say it, but it's really true ; I'm so lucky i suffered so much.

@egoless i'm nowhere near where Leo is, so I can only talk from my own experience. What I've glimpsed so far is so unimaginably beautiful I wouldn't worry about insanity. The magnitude of truth is way bigger than any human concern for insanity. These concepts fall in water when you get a taste of truth. The beauty of it is so captivating it's no wonder people give their entire lives to it, it really doesn't compare to anything, not even close. Or maybe I'm just insane too

@Demeter Diogena I couldn't restrain myself from responding. Seems like you're having some serious issues and I think disciplining yourself and forbidding yourself things will be counterproductive. What you really need is some healing and some self love. Stop chasing your ex boyfriend, he'll never give you what you need. Ask yourself: why am I so afraid to be alone? You are drowning in your mind and suffering because of it. Believe it or not, it's totally illusiory! You are creating it. I've been in your shoes so many times, wanting to die and thinking I have no other options, suffering so bad, convinced that it was actually true lool . I know it seems absurd to you that I dismiss your pain so easily, but really, you'll laugh when you realize this. Feel free to message me when you feel like it, I'm sure I can help a little bit or die trying