alyra

I always say, patience and effort. Effort to try again, patience to try again. wait, was that good enough to explain patience is basically, having hope that things are moving some where, and being able to exist with compulsions yet knowing that u must wait, and so you wait. you do, and you wait, and this is patience and effort. and over time, what you can do, it scales up, increases, you can do more, and you can do it easier. you just need the patience to let that happen, and the effort to practice it every step of the way.

@Elisabeth I don't think your experience was like.... wasted or anything. in facing demons in those two days you got a glimpse of the work you could do to eradicate them. and while I'm not going to make any claim about the retreat you were at, the more hardcore ones aren't the wrong method, so much as not what is universally a good fit at the time. but I wonder about them.... they sound dangerous if there aren't precautions for emergencies. and, if they don't give any teachings of strategies, but accept anyone, well there's going to be scammed newbies that's for sure..... so like, idk. I'm sure you've found some precautions and like you said eyes open to things you didn't know you'd have to face. those are good start to finding a better meditation practice for you, or to find work you wanna do when practicing. maybe you wanna wait a bit to do a retreat, practicing being with yourself in ways that better enable what you're looking to do. maybe you do want to find another retreat, but have better ideas about how to filter out to find one you want... idk.. thanks for the precautionary sharing tho. I may have easily overlooked the same things ..

I already so far have figured, that I need to better identify it. but I'm not sure what to do with it at that point - how to tackle it, overcome it, change it, or dismantly it... any advice...

maybe I just need to be reminded of it. but, if happiness is something which we already have - we just need to notice it, and hold onto it. That, we don't need anything such as a career path or a family or this or that or the other thing to be happy. then, why do we continue these pursuits would we be perfectly enlightened? I ask this question almost ironically because, I've never felt a need to do anything in pursuit of happiness. that's always been something I had confidence I'd find again, so trying to get it was never a direct interest. so - help me to remember, why is it that we take these actions which separate my life from yours? If the government came by and uprooted me from here and uprooted you from there and switched our places, you would still be that different person. even the enlightened masters have differences in their activity. why is it? what is the source of motivation? because it is different in some ways between people.

@Elisabeth sorry.. to share it would hugely complicate the conversation. IMO the idea of what motivates a pursuit is pretty transferable. But if you want something to try to address you could always try to explain why humans peruse happiness I don't understand that either. happiness comes when it comes, I don't need it, I don't find it to motivate my decisions.

is it self-evident? the reason is only the abstraction of the whole endeavor. there is no "the reason" except an abstract extracted analysis of some part of the endeavor itself. to criticize the reason is only - to criticize the narrow looking glass as being too limited.

steam of thought -> impulse -> rational decision. it's more complex than that but that's the basic structure of it. the factors for that decision included curiosity for diversity from my own vantage. also to find ways to remain partially active on the community. also to seize an opportunity to practice effective communication. some others I can't bring into identity-memory. right now I'm pursuing nothing. or, rest. because I've made myself to feel vulnerable, from a deep and healing wound. combined with not having eaten enough so my body is without energy. this leads to resting. I guess right now I'm pursuing the long-haul goal of having the strength and endurance to not become fragile when vulnerable. that's a link I'd like to break. it gets in the way of my pursuits and wears me out fast. oh, @ajasatya, for notification

idk, none of the replies have made much sense to me lol.... maybe there is no reason why intuition guides us. I dunno if this is the same question I originally asked, tbh, but... what is intuition? where does it come from? how to contemplate for an answer, on my own? hm... I'm lost lol.

not for me. I just did what I did, responding to the moment. gosh that sounds deep but honest no, I just, as a teen. if my friends came to me I'd respond to them. if my teach gave me a test I'd react to that. I found happiness pretty easy in lots of things, and I suffered too - I have had a lot of anxiety and depression in my life. but I never missed happiness, 'cause it always popped up sometime or other in the day. and mostly I just reacted to the moment according to how I felt was in my person to do so. not like consciously identifying personality tho... like, intuitively. I followed intuition. probably not as cleanly as Leo suggest we could of course. but intuitions always been my main motivator. but, lately I've had too much shit clogging their gutters. bad habits that slowly built up over time. but anyway - I'm confused because, the tainted false intuition, when I do stop to think about it, it's pretty easy to identify. but, I've been having this idea in my head of something I'm gonna do. but it's illogical, it appears self destructive. but I keep returning to the idea, and so far it's never felt dirty, never felt lower. it's something that would bring me happiness, logically speaking. but, that's not something I've ever pursuit. how can I trust an intuition if it goes against logic? if it appears superfluous? it is something I Jeep returning to to plan for in my life. I'm gonna do it. but logically, I feel selfish. not intuitively selfish - fear due to logical hang-ups.

why do you believe you need her? you don't currently have her, you never had her before. and yet, you are here, alive, and present. doesn't seem to me like you need her at all try to release the urgency of these thoughts - the thoughts that such things are required. the fear to not have them. Find things which you know you'd enjoy to have, but do not feel any need for. maybe your emotional relationship to these desires can help find the insight on how to release that sense of urgency that is shackling you

if you notice passive aggression, it is because you are thinking of things passive aggressively. if you find your self-worth and reputation to plummet, it is because you are the one who believes these fears to be true. (or at least possibly true)

y'know, doubt. a feeling of uncertainty. or a lack of conviction, or a lack of confidence. expecting a failed outcome, or inadequate knowledge.

change how you think about behavior and suddenly all things are behavior

we learn about each other. this requiers no behavior change - it is sharing of ourselves in expression. maybe Leo would prefer not to call that learning - but I feel it should be mentioned to remind those who are learning about learning = behavior change, on not forgetting the importance of other aspects of traditional learning.

Yes, the statement is intended as a reminder of something which might be overlooked, as we work to understand learning = behavior change. Learning a relationship will have importance beyond behavior change. Admittedly behavior would reveal this learning, and by behavior, a relationship is affirmed to matter to the two. But, the learning is deeper than the level of behavior change. The learning here, is in acceptance, openness, listening, and sharing memory. And more of course too.

The fear is of the monkey mind. but this is not the reality of what occurs. What occurs is a sharing of experiences, ideas, passion, and concern. On Facebook, such topics would not be the same as the topics shared and discussed on here. To remove the expectation of question and answer that is in the threads which are created individually, what such a dedicated "confessional" thread would remain with: is an opportunity to trust each other for who we are and for our experiences as they are. The sharing of acceptance and awareness beyond the limits of the self, to the realm of community, looking outward, and perceiving externally. In removing the preconception of "opening poster and respondent" we would provide a viable supporting crutch for members interested in that opportunity to use as they work to self-actualize.

obviously tho, I do understand and in fact agree with the concern that monkey-chatter is distracting. naturally, we want the site and its forums to be minimizing how it is distracting. but, to outright disallow any space for lighter discussion, we are running from it, not facing who we are. We are not being accepting or aware of a part of us. We are fearing being with ourselves, rather than accepting ourselves as we are. There is a meditation strategy, likely multiple, in which you allow your thoughts to be as they are - you don't work to focus or be aware of certain things or ask certain things, you work on accepting your thoughts as they come and go. in being mindful of them and letting them be as they are. For example, the do-nothing technique. while posting is not meditation - the same principle can apply. sometimes it is good to contemplate or focus of course - but sometimes it is good to allow the monkey chatter to run its course. Or maybe, it isn't really monkey chatter after all - the thoughts which seem random, lead you to a path of contemplation after-all, and you discover something new. I do not ask for the site's forums to be overcome by such threads, as I agree that the forum overall is dedicated for self-actualization work, not for distractions. But, I do ask for a solo thread in this forum, to be pinned and never locked, in which people can drop in and post a thought that's on their mind. Naturally the feature which prevents us from spamming posts will assist in keeping such a thread to be more mindful and patient, rather than spamming content - but to allow small content to be posted in this thread will be helpful in addition to all the discussion threads people start for themselves. But there are often times when we come across a thought or a concern which does not really ask for an entire thread to discuss them. in fact, historically most of my threads in this forum have been threads that I wish I could post in such a solo dedicated thread. posts which didn't really look for discussion, only to be said and shared. I do not often look for a discussion thread as I prefer to contemplate on my own. But sometimes as I contemplate or practice awareness, I discover something worth sharing and wish to post it. Such threads usually get an upvote or two or three - indicating that other people found the post meaningful - but do not generate much discussion, except agreement or sharing of similar thoughts. Examples of what kind of thread I request, are titled "what are you thinking" or "confession corner" or "today I learned" - threads which ask for a short post denoting some idea or concern which is light in nature and could just be posted and upvoted and not replied to. or it could spark discussion of the topic. Perhaps "insights worth sharing" could be the thread title for example. Actually, the pinned thread "meditation techniques mega thread" can be considered such a thread which I ask for in this forum. Such a thread, one thread, would give space in this forum for people to be open about themselves. In fact, it would actually decrease thread spams - as it would give a place for folks to post something not so important. But - it would increase forum activity, as it would give people a sense of community. It in fact could help folks who struggle with connecting to others, a concern often encountered by self-actualizers as they begin their serious work, to find ways to be natural with others instead. such a thread is like the water cooler. Originally business folk opposed it thinking it was wasting time and distracting - but later realized that allowing time for people to allow their thoughts to randomly surface - increased creativity and often the topics would return to work, inspiring the employees. Such a thread is like the water cooler.

I have a lot of knowledge and experience with thinking about decision-making, and in taking actions that I wanna and in being the person I want to be. so why don't I??? the only thing that remains is to just do it. and I just don't. any advice? I know it is sorta on the open ended side but... anything you think can help, can help.

I'm sorry I don't understand. Where is there something said that isn't bullshit?

no it ain't about will power. some people have willpower but I sure as hell don't. don't want to stand up? sit up. don't want to sit up? roll over. maybe open a blind. play upbeat music. if you truly didn't want to get up naturally, then you wouldn't be asking these questions. so, you already do naturally want to get up. but the blocker is, there are two things in conflict - 1) for various reasons you want to get up 2) for various reasons you want to lie in bed and keep resting. one of those is winning out, and you're looking for ways to negotiate with yourself. one method of negotiating is to take action. I don't mean by force of will - fuck, do yoga in your bed, masturbate, watch YouTube, play videogames, read a book, open the blinds, write in a diary, whisper dreams to yourself, whatever. what gets me motivated honestly it's doing something I enjoy. wake up two hours earlier to play videogames in the morning like I do well I only do that on the worst days, nowadays I can wake up / get up without need for tricks half the time. but, don't be afraid to do something, and remind yourself that some teeny tiny part of you wishes you would get up and be amazing already.

go do everything possibly imaginable and then come back and tell me that you have to try everything twice before you turn it down lol. let the man choose not to do whatever things if he don't wanna. just because you experience your reality by one set of rules doesn't mandate those rules upon everyone else.

I agree that asexuality is an orientation and I don't think that you should have a problem with that. but you do have a problem with sex. you have a problem with pee. and you have a problem with life/birth. these have nothing to do with sexuality but they are hang-ups you have. you don't want to have sex - then don't have sex. me too lol I had sex and it didn't really feel like the holy grail everyone made it out to be. and it was good sex - just - I'd literally put off dating for lack of interest until I was 20, and when I finally did get into it it was just whatever nbd felt better than masturbation and validity of being with a person but who fucking care lol. I might have sex again if reason comes (from a partner's desires) but personally, I've no desire for it and could easily see my life unfold happily single and sexless. for various subtleties I'm technically grey-ace but sex? I'd prefer not to. but this post isn't about sex being amazing or anything. I don't find it amazing either, friend if you don't want sex in your life, then don't have it your life, I've no argument there. but I noticed several things in your OP that are repulsions, so I just wanted to risk making you feel more cornered by us respondents by pointing that out

- drink cold water early on in the morning. it really wakes you up - you can act your way into right thinking.. but you can't think your way into right action - taking action is as simple as: stand up. look around. place your hands upon something. manipulate that to some effect. repeat!

@heisenburger what is the name of that method? where did you find it?

@Leo Gura 1. have you asked yourself yet, "what duality?" I find it a very powerful question to ask under any context or circumstance, and a question that can be easy to overlook. 2. I.e. "consciousness isn't thought" - what duality? "there are things which aren't experience" - what duality? hehe... "existence isn't dual" - what duality? sure, let's remind those with monkey mind that existence is consciousness is authenticity is nonduality. but let's also remind the sage that existence is dual. after all, what duality? 3. how often do you let loose?