ClearThought

Suppose you have identified the main source and point at which self esteem issues and all the other mental issues had arisen from. What to do next? How do you get rid of these complexes / childhood trauma? Are there any methods to deal with this?

Hi there. I was in a relationship for 5 years with a very loving and a very nice girl who wanted to start a family with me. But I never felt true, visceral love for her. I never wanted a family or children. I wanted to remain free in my world. I loved her as a person, but never felt true lust for her (like she did for me). I rationalised that it was because I was addicted to porn, because I was not capable of feeling "true love", because of my mental state, because this and that. But I think all of that was just weaselling out of the truth. I went into our relationship out of the desperation I had due to my depression and low self worth, low self-esteem. She was my first girl and I Just wanted to lose my virginity at first, then I sort of clinged on to her, but she clinged on to me much, much stronger. She actually fell deeply in love with me. In the last month I realised I cannot keep fooling her and myself anymore, started getting extreme panic attacks when thinking of our future, when thinking of marriage. I even had some suicidal thoughts (I had these even before I met her, so there is history of mental problems), so I went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed a prolonged depression, I was prescribed anti depressants. They started to kick in recently, I started to feel better, I actually started feeling happy waking up in the mornings (I hadn't felt this for a long time). But I still got very emotional (crying) when speaking to my girlfriend about our relationship. I realised I got so emotional, because I knew my feelings are not really true and I might be fooling her, despite everything looking so perfect on the paper (everyone saying how beautiful and great we look together, etc...). So I often told her that all will be ok, that I will get better, we will see each other again and so on. Finally, after I couldn't take it anymore emotionally, we were both crying on the phone, I just told her I cannot torture her like this anymore, that I know I will hurt her in the future and we have to cut contact and that I have to make this decision, because she never will. She said she will be waiting for me once I get better if I still want to be with her, that she is too tired to keep trying, etc... We both did a lot of good for each other during this relationship, but in the end I started it out of depression, loneliness and low self esteem instead of true love. So I mustered up the courage to end it in such a soft way only after 5 years. Now, 3 days that I have cut off all contact with her...I feel really good waking up in the mornings (maybe it is just drugs, but still). I immediately focus on my work, enjoy my free time and feeling of being alone and without responsibilities, I actually feel somewhat good, at some moments I want to sing from how good I feel. Yet at times I still get this small part of me saying: "She was perfect, it was just your depression problem, the relationship could have worked out perfectly. Don't leave her like this, don't ruin a good thing, you won't find another person who will love you like this, you won't find another person as kind as this." Basically I hear my fear speaking. I don't get emotional, I don't start crying, but do I get a disturbance in my feelings. I just try to accept these feelings, let them go through as instructed in the video, I remember all the times I felt bad in our relationship, I remember the times when I went to bed crying, knowing that I am fooling us both, that I'm trying to make something work that cannot work. My question is - how do I get rid of this fear of not being able to find another person who will love me so much, who will give me all these good little feelings of being needed? Maybe a truly actualised person does not even need to feel these things as he or she feels enough self worth as it is? I realise I mostly miss my girlfriend as a person I loved, but not as a woman I loved. I understand that a relationship cannot form on basis of such love. What do you think about my case? Did I do the right thing? How do I silence the little voice in my head that is nagging me and telling me what a bad person I am for doing this? TL:DR: Was depressed for 10 years. 5 of those years I spent in a relationship with my first girl. She was great and loved me tons. She wanted a family. I think I did not truly love her as I should have, did not want a family, cut off contact with her softly a few days before, feeling better, but also feeling guilty and sad at times as I'm treating my 10 year depression with anti-depressants and shrink visits.

I think the exact reason is because I loved her as a human, not as a woman. I never felt true lust for her on an animalistic level. I think that is a big problem long term. I stuck with her out of self-esteem issues, depression and desperation, not being confident in myself and needing a crutch. And then I got addicted to the attention and love she gave me. Once I realised this, I realised that the relationship was not built on a solid foundation, but on me as a broken human being.

I have identified that all my life goals stem from lack of approval from the opposite sex. Or my perceived lack of self worth. I want to be rich not because of me, but so women would love me more. I want to be attractive not because of me, but so women would love me more. I want to be social for the same reason. I have improved a lot in all aspects, but for the wrong reasons. How do I fix this once I have identified my issues? I was maintaining a relationship where I did not feel true love for 5 years until I decided to break it off once I started treating my long term depression. I did it out of neediness for her love and approval, not out of true lust that I should have felt. How do I reach for my goals for ME and not for women? I don't want to depend on approval of women anymore!

I don't actually have time to physically chase women so much, I just try to build up my life so I have higher worth BECAUSE I know that will make me more attractive to women. How do I do these things for ME and not for women?

In his video on ending relationships Leo says that the most important thing is NOT TO GET BACK WITH EX. He says it is extremely important. He is also true in saying that relationships don't break up without a reason. There was an underlying reason for me breaking up. All of these years I was negative, I wasn't happy, I was attributing negativity to her. I thought I'm unhappy because I'm with her. This might have been or might have not been the case, but either way I feel more at peace now. Might just be the drugs speaking, although I'm on very low doses. I'm starting a bit of meditation as well. Even though I get periods of weakness, I realise I still don't want to go through the suffering I went through for all these years. All the fake acting, pretending to be another person, putting on a show, fake words, fake affection, all of it was not real from my side. This is probably my sub-conscious telling me I can and must do better or the feeling of a man - that I can't settle for the first girl. I tried a lot of things to make it work, I just got exhausted by all of it. Now I am mostly ridden by guilt and fear of being alone, of not finding someone as "good". Although it could not have been "good" for me, it could not have been the right person for me if I felt so bad. Jealousy and clinginess in some weird psychological way was also a problem for me. I have to be satisfied in my own body to enjoy new relationships which aren't based on fear of being alone or some desperate clinginess for feelings of "love". I felt like I needed her for boost in my self esteem, because I wasn't fully confident in myself. I think I would have felt bigger guilt if I had stayed with her and given her fake promises or went into marriage against my will. I feel like I would have only hurt her down the road. It is all very confusing. I guess time will heal everything.

Thank you guys, you are great! I will look into meditation.