Nexeternity

Awww

I say let yourself be dark if you must, but be conscious about it. You should feel just a little tensión, just a little wrongness, just a little suffering. Hopefully your own selfish motives to be happy will help you stay off that path.

Glad he didnt kill himself.

@Dodo @pluto thanks!!!

This post is quite ironic

Thats insane. I only heard hardcore yogis could do that. Awesome!

@Leo Gura I felt the like thing was a actually a good gauge of how much ego were in my comments. If I wrote something really inspired and heartfelt in the spirit of sharing and contributing it got alot of likes. If I wrote something without much consideration and a tinge of arrogance it didnt get any likes. That was pretty cool to notice.

lol I think that last video from Leo worked, everyone is treating each other so nicely

@Wyatt Maybe thats ego backlash? Maybe your presence is bringing stuff out of your subconscious to get purified. Staying present can be hard at first. You get tired of it and want to just go unconscious. But after a while it flips and you feel bad when you arent present and stay on it all the time.

So beautiful! Thanks for sharing! Going to send this to my friends and mom now.

This is just my opinion but... I think that in general monks are happier than us. It seems crazy to become a monk but maybe its crazier to live how we live in modern society. I dont have the balls to become one though

@Mike Rivers I appreciate your post. Reminds me again to declutter and minimize lifestyle and get to work.

Hey Ruby! Sounds cool, I want to see the channeling stuff.

I really like this. I saw that all my emotions are asking for more presence. Fear sometimes indicates what I have to do, out of love. Sadness shows how things could be or how good the world could be if things were diferent. Anger helps set healthy boundaries and enforce them. It can also inspire me to go for my happiness. Happiness and inspiration always asks for expression, for action. Love asks for openness, for vulnerability I need to do this more... Thanks @Azrael for making this!

Awesome! Really happy to hear this news.

Im sorry too. I am an arrogant, selfish asshole sometimes. Thank you life for humbling me and showing me my selfish ways heh.

Awesome! Thats really cool.

I did it again! This time sitting down I was meditating for a while, regular monkey mind going on, and then I remembered so I said to myself "This is neither your mind nor a mind" I felt like a layer of resistance come off me and I started like girating my hips, my arms and shoulders, my head and neck. All this was like happening by itself... it just starting happening I swear! I felt alot of energy coursing through my body. There was alot of cracking like when you go to a chiropractor. After a while I started doubting though if the moving was resistance too, and if I released even more than maybe I would get still again. Anyways I got still after a bit and then after a while I stopped meditating. I like this thing!

I think I discovered something. Yesterday and Sunday after the Derrida video I was just thinking about it and I would suddenly stop, dead in my tracks. I was walking up the stairs in my apartment and just froze. Its like I intuited what was really being said and I started deconstructing everything. Like I was becoming more aware that nothing is what it seems to be, that nothing exists. It freaked me out a bit and I felt the existential terror of it so I would snap out of it. It felt like going insane, dying or disappearing. Still I felt I was onto something since that stuff happens with 5 meo and its the layers of ego being washed away or dissolved and the resistance one has to that. So today I layed on my bed and reread the notes I took of the video. I decided to deconstruct and surrender to it having faith I wouldnt go permanently insane and lose my "grip of reality" forever. So I started seeing that my body was neither mine nor a body, my mind was neither mine nor a mind, objects where not objects, just sensations and sensations are not even sensations, they just are, and saying they are is too much, since, well, you get the point. I hit this silence after a while. The insanity kicked in and my body started spazzing. There was no me to hold the body still. I felt the effect of the layers of ego being pulled away and energy flowing through my body in a less obstructed way. The spazzing was pretty symmetrical. Its scary because once you really dive in it feels like you are not coming out, and that there isnt even a you to come out of it. No control. After a while I stopped though, not sure if I could have pushed it even more, but I felt that was good for now. I feel less tension in my body and less clutter in my thinking and stuff... thats pretty nice. And then I had the idea to write this post heh. I want to try it again later!

@Leo Gura I find it extremely useful to see what posts you give a thumbs up to, its usually stuff that is insightful. Same with other members. Maybe you can leave the thumbs up option open but it doesnt give reputation or anything, and it doenst show up on the thread, but you can still go on someones profile and see what they thumbed up. Best of both worlds

Thats the thing though... I dont know I exist. What is existing? What is I? What is reality? What is? Maybe all these things are not. And to say they are not implies they once were or that they could be... and maybe thats not true either. You look around and its like the stuff is not really there. You look close and you see that you dont know what will happen next in life. But then ofcourse, you do exist, stuff is there, and you can kind of steer your life in the "right" direction. So yea... this is more babbling from me hehe Probably should be meditating or something

People are stressed out of their minds. They put shit and poison in their body. They eat animals that have been tortured. They blow up the sky scaring the birds and dogs. They buy useless shit that will fill the planet with more garbage. They treat their loved ones with indifference and judgement. And they think I am weird cause I smoke toad venom. And I am supposed to keep quiet, let everything happen, not resist it, be enlightened. I have to be compassionate, loving and accepting as the madness surrounds me. Keep my truths quiet and not rock the boat. They drink so they wont feel. But I feel. The world teeming with suffering. A planet trying to heal. I wish things would be different. Maybe I have to accept this is how I think and feel. And do something about it. My heart is broken. I want to cry.

I cried! I feel a bit better. This video helped heh I need to cry more. Its really healing. Thank you for the replies. Happy new year! Thank you for letting me be authentic and for not judging me.

@Leo Gura maybe then we get to reincarnate as one of the robots

Not sure how to write this trip report. This trip really showed me how superficial my other trips were. Yes I reached some nice states, some healing was done for sure, I got great insights and my consciousness was raised. But this trip really humbled me. Like stunned me into surrender. I really wanted to go as far as I could in the trip. I intended to die and would try to not put up a fight to the medicine and the shaman. The shaman was amazing. He started working through all the layers of ego in my body. I screamed in murderous rage. I cried in heartbreaking fashion, like a mother who lost her child. There is a little kid inside me that has been very hurt. I saw how much resistance I really live with. It's so amazing, I had no idea I had all that in me, I was so unconscious to it. Its all in the body, the chest, stomach, legs and arms. So much tension, stored fear, sadness, anger. The shaman pinned me and opened me up masterfully, guiding me on. He told me to scream loud. He told me to cry. That real men, that warriors cry. He guided me to ask for forgiveness and to be grateful. Not in a guru or dogmatic type way, I really felt I needed to say sorry to God for how arrogant I have been. At the end I jumped for joy, “I am free, I am free” I felt infinite happiness. But of course the ego has come back, though with a dent in it. There is soooo much work to do. I am totally asleep, now I realize this. I am really grateful for everything. Thank you.