Bruzzix

Update: no need to wait for gun license, I found a better suicide method. Charcoal briquettes. I will lock myself in an enclosed space while they burn, and the carbon monoxide gas will deprive my body of oxygen. It'll be a painless, peaceful death. I'm going to attempt this tomorrow if I'm able to. This may very well be the last post I make. Thanks Leo for all you've done. Bruzzix.

Thanks for the optimism Marc, but my life will never be good. You don't know of my traumatic childhood and the permanent effects of it.

Update: I'm considering the idea of killing my dad first, then me. The fucking cu** damaged me too much, it would make me happy to watch him pay.

I'm severely depressed. I've felt this way for too long. I'm signing out. Luckily I'm old enough for a gun license. I'm going to apply shortly, make the purchase, my farewells, then leave.

That last post was weird. Flew back to Melbourne today. Got to Grandma's house. Sleeping here tonight. Not much to say really. I've been tired and feeling pretty down. I've got the next 3 days to be productive.

Ah fuck I'm disappointed I missed yesterdays entry. Stimulant withdrawals are a bitch. I literally had no energy or motivation yesterday and felt depressed as fuck. I slept for about 10 hours and was still tired the whole day. Family went to the beach while I was sleeping. It fucking pissed me off. Still today I'm going through withdrawals and I either just want to fucking upercut somebody or sleep. I've fucking just given up on life for a bit. This happens a lot and I always decide to come back. It's like my life is shit and I have nothing good in it. I fucking hate my job, myself, my house, certain family etc.. plus there's so many things I want and don't have: friends, love, money, happiness, success. I know I gotta work for it all but I'm disadvantaged as fuck and it just feels like it's unobtainable. Part of the withdrawals is that I can't fucking think clearly. My IQ feels like it dropped 60 points. Eh I'm seeing a therapist in two days. The last therapist I saw didn't do shit to help me. This one better be different or I'm just throwing fucking time and money down the drain. It's ironic that I titled this "leading the charged life" yet I'm leading the opposite type of life. I'm an 18 year old guy who's basically a cu** to everyone he knows either intentionally or unintentionally. I'm lazy as fuck and depressed and anxious and neurotic and a whole bunch of other stupid meaningless labels myself and others have assigned me. I want to be enjoying life like others my age, but I'm such an enemy to myself that I don't. Even when I try my fucking hardest to change I can't and then I give up. Whatever, I'm just talking shit because I'm tired and withdrawing. Talk to me another day and you'd think you're talking to a Pollyanna. I didn't do much except be a lazy piece of unmotivated shit all day. Oh and I watched Rogue One. Fucking brilliant movie, and I can say that even when hating the whole world today. Go watch that shit. I still have to do fucking push-ups and have a cold shower. Cya later fuckers. Kidding, I love you all <3. Nah really, fuck you.

I just came from my first cold shower. I saw a YouTube video of someone doing the 31 day cold shower challenge (video below) and was convinced to adopt this habit after hearing of the benefits it has on willpower. I turned the temperature to its minimum, ignored the bullshit excuses my brain was trying to come up with, and jumped in. Oh it was a shock to my body! But I adjusted. I aimed for 3 mins. I got out after 4. I began to enjoy the shock. In the morning my mum took me shopping for clothes. I was being a complete cu**. I was tired and fucked up on vyvanse. I emptied a portion of my 70mg capsule into a glass of water. I'd estimate I took 50mg. Still too much for day to day purposes. Anyway my mum asked how many hours of driving Ive done. To which the answer is 0. I put myself into a terrible mood, thinking only about how my dad never took me driving and how a lot of people my age already have their licenses yet I don't. I obsessed over this thought and fell into a pit of self-pity. I acted like a baby the entire time we were at the mall. I got home and cried like a bitch and considered suicide. After the crying session, my brother's asked me to have a nerf gun war with them and I said no. I promptly resumed crying and thinking of ways to kill myself. I decided that anything is better than suicide, so I should stop giving a fuck about everything and then I won't feel pain anymore. It doesn't matter if I'm a cu** to other people because now I don't care, was the attitude I espoused. Latser, my brothers came into the room and I just completely let go and did and said whatever I wanted without any filters. I did some weird shit. We get called downstairs for dinner and I'm still in I don't give a fuck mode and basically being an idiot. Shaun snaps and yells at me after I be a smart-ass to mum. I wouldn't have cared but he threatened to kick me out of the house and I had no where else to go so I settled down a bit. At the dinner table I was tweaking out and still being a cu**. Mum then snapped at me and started yelling. She said I'm not acting like myself and I'm really edgy. She asked if I took drugs. I had previously kept my ADHD-PI diagnosis a secret from her, but now I spilled the beans. She basically said that the diagnosis is bullshit (which I actually agree with) and that I use it as an excuse for bad behaviour (I disagree). She ranted on and on and actually made some good points. She was especially pissed off because she thought I wasn't listening. I actually was but I was tweaking real hard. She said some pretty hurtful things to me. It was a wake-up call. One thing she said that stuck was "stop the self-pitying. Stop it. Just stop. Stop self-pitying. Stop it". I really wanted to just walk away and go self-pity more. I had a decision to make; self-pity or man up. It was really fucking hard to do in the moment but I chose the latter. In her rant, mum was complaining that I was spending all my time reading self-help books and not being with family. I decided that I should spend time with family while I'm at her house to appease her. We calmed down, and watched the A-team. Good movie by the way. Liam Neeson fucking rules. I was tired as fuck but stayed awake so it looked like I cared about family time. After the movie I did my push-ups, had the cold shower, and now I'm here writing this. It's already 1am and I'm fucking dead tired. I promise one day there'll be an entry that's actually decent to read... One day. I'm writing these mainly for me now so I just spew words onto the page as they come to my mind. I'll cater to readers soon (I doubt there are actually any). Night.

Today was filled with ups and downs. My psychology feels unstable and I feel like I'm losing control. I got some decent rest except for a phone call from a 'friend' of mine at 4am. After last night's entry, my heart was racing uncontrollably and I couldn't sleep. I decided to make use of this time by watching Leo's videos. A few hours go by and I remember a conversation I had with the aforementioned 'friend' earlier in the day. This 'friend' was a toxic person that I had cut out of my life, but yesterday I decided to invite her back in. Pretty quickly she opened up to me about her sexual relations. She told me that she had recently been seeing a guy, but he has a gf. I wasn't surprised, already knowing where this girl's morals lie. I felt bad for this guy's gf and what I did next, I came to regret. I found the gf's Facebook and sent her a warning about my 'friend'. I told her to be careful because the 'friend' has been hanging out with the bf. I also told her to keep our conversation confidential. Do you think she listened? No, she quickly messaged her bf, who in turn messaged me. Not only that, but she blocked me! I felt depressed. "Fuck" I thought, this is quickly going to get back to my 'friend'. And it did. 4am I get a call from her asking about it. I tell her I'm sleeping and I'll explain when I get up. I didn't know what I was going to do, or if I was even capable of digging myself out the hole I dug for myself. I was acting like a complete retard and texting stupid shit to my 'friend' then I said some nasty shit. I felt bad after saying nasty shit so I tried to makeup for it by sending screenshots of the entire conversation to my 'friend'. Yes I was and am fucking stupid. This morning I woke up and apologised. My head was a haze and I was stressed out about the events of last night and the fact that I haven't been doing as much reading as I wanted to. My 'friend' didn't really accept the apology and I dont blame her. Our conversation became awkward. I popped 70mg vyvanse so I could get through the day. One brother wanted me to come to the mall with him. I walked and he rode his scooter. For the entire journey I just felt 'off'. It's not easy to describe the feeling I had. I don't think it's a feeling you can understand unless you've experienced it. I felt simultaneously euphoric, but with a deep stinging depression. I was simultaneously well focused, but with a lack of any thoughts occuring in my mind. This feeling was pleasant then unpleasant then pleasant then unpleasant, constantly cycling. It was emotionally taxing. I think I overdosed on vyvanse. Also, in this state I couldn't talk properly which really bothered me. I was trying hard to talk, but the sentences that came from my mouth are sentences you'd expect from someone with an IQ of 70. We got to the mall and I was EXTREMELY focused and energetic. I was overflowing with confidence and a nice stimulant euphoria was present. I was jittery though and my thoughts were quite irrational. It was a very intense state of consciousness and although it was fun, it was agitating to a degree and emotionally draining. I remember having to choose what I wanted for lunch in the food court and becoming very agitated about the decision making process. I would also be talking, then halfway through, forget what I was saying because my mind had moved onto the next topic. In hindsight, I'm almost certain I overdosed. On the way home I was practicing my rapping, and oh boy, I was IN the zone! I was as intensely concentrated as I've ever been. The rapping just came so easily, and I was fast as fuck. I got home and decided to spend some time with mum and Shaun to build our relationship. We were just sitting on lawn chairs talking. By this time, vyvanses effects had subsided a little, my mind became crystal clear, and I became a social pro. I normally suck at talking, but not then. I somehow knew exactly what to say and exactly how to say it. I was super confident and funny. Mum and Shaun were continuously gasping for air at my jokes. It felt amazing. I wish I could be how I was then, all the time. We chatted for perhaps a good hour or so. Afterwards I could feel vyvanses positive effects vanishing. I was thrown into a brain fog. I remember acting really strangely during this time. I would be performing actions then while performing those actions, forget what I was doing. I lost my memory of what happened for the next few hours. The last thing I remember is being on my mattress watching something on YouTube (can't remember what) and being called for dinner. I came downstairs and the same thing that I explained before was happening where I would be doing something, then lose memory of what I was doing. I could really feel myself coming down now and remembered that I was supposed to text my ex today. I decided I better do it now when I can partially think, than when my brain turns to complete mush. Without further thought, I went back upstairs and thought of what to text. I took texting really seriously because I didn't want to fuck up my chances of getting back with my ex. I finally thought up a message but I wasnt that happy with it, so I left it and went downstairs. I got to the dinner table and by this time mum and Shaun had just finished their food. They asked where I had been. I said "ohh..Uhhh..uhhh..I-I was ...uuhhh.. texting". Talking was hard again. They were both upset that I had prioritised texting over joining family for dinner. Grandma expressed her indignation too. I became very stressed as a result. I apologised quickly and began eating. While eating, I was thinking again about what I should say to my ex. I kept writing message templates then erasing them and writing new ones. My mind was racing and I became even more tense and stressed. After dinner I did 15 minutes of meditation. It was difficult to say the least. My thoughts were absolutely fucking beserk and I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack, which is rare for me. I felt very panicky, tense and restless. I got through the 15m and I was calmer afterwards. I got out a pen and paper and started brainstorming about if I actually want a relationship or not with my ex. I decided that I had changed my mind; a relationship with her would be too comfortable and wouldn't push me to develop myself, so I should seek another partner. Last night I got a snapchat from this girl, who I'll call Kate. I used to sell Kate sleeping pills and once I had a one night stand with her. Kate's also pretty fucked up emotionally. I was too fucked up from the vyvanse crash to open the snap when I got it, and today I completely forgot about it. Kate and I agreed we wouldn't be anything more than friends. Well just after I'm done brainstorming on paper about my ex, I open the snap and it's of sexual nature. I'm really fucked up at this point so I can't think clearly. I brainstorm on paper some potential responses but can't think of anything decent. I don't respond and instead watch some of Leo's videos. I doubt I took in any of what Leo was saying since I was way too fucked up. After watching probably like 2 hours of Leo I get the brilliant fucking idea to masturbate and maybe that will give me motivation to think of a decent response to Kate. I decide to avoid orgasm. You should know that I'm trying to abstain from masturbation and have been pretty successful for the past two months. Well guess who lost self-control and ruined a good streak. Yours truly. I felt really disappointed in myself and a bit of self hatred. I did reply to Kate though. She said she was drunk and forgot what she sent. After I informed her, she said "oh shit" and that concluded our conversation. Today, I was supposed to message the girl I organised a date with but I just couldn't be bothered. When I was bothered, it was too late because the vyvanse fucked me up. After my ignominious fap, I thought about this, how I fucked up last night, how I didn't message my ex and in general how much I hate myself and my life. I was feeling depressed, hopeless and fearful. I had some suicidal thoughts and ideation. They've passed now. It's now 2am and I've been writing for at least the last 2 hours. I have so much energy right now I feel like running laps around my house. Big mistake to take 70mg vyvanse. I'm going to go down to 50 tomorrow and see how that works. This was written sloppily I know. I feel bad because I normally take pride in my writing but this entry is just like I've vomited words into sentences. I can't do much better with my state of mind right now.

This entry shall be short again. Today was overall pretty awful. I was so tired that my psychology was all over the place and I couldn't think clearly. I texted my ex, got a positive reply several hours after. At this point my brain was operating on like 2% power. I tried my best to give a decent response but I probably fucked up. I wasn't able to nap because of the 70mg vyvanse I again had today. I noticed the vyvanse gave me excellent concentration but this didn't matter since my mind couldn't process anything well. My next oldest brother visited and we found out that we have the liking of rap in common. We rapped some songs that we had learnt, and he blew my expectations out of the water. It was fun. I somehow organised a date with a girl I'd been talking to for a few weeks. I was very irritable and angry for the majority of today and snapped at my brother who woke me up twice. I blamed him for it, but I really know that I need to take responsibility for everything. It was wrong for me to display that anger and I apologised. I'm going to bed incredibly early tonight. I figured it's better to write a kind of crappy entry than nothing at all so here it is. Goodnight and may I please get some god damn sleep.

This will be a short post because I'm tired. Today was much less productive than I had anticipatied. My brother's woke me up very early in the morning. This wouldn't have been a problem if I didn't go to bed so late. The result was a tired and irritable me for the majority of the day. I popped 70mg vyvanse shortly after breakfast and although it helped me throughout the day, my lack of sleep was too debilitating to achieve desired effects. I read some more of 'The 5 Love Languages' and again gained some valuable insights. I was hoping to finish the book today but was too tired to effectively read and had insufficient time. I decided that while I am staying with my family, I ought to spend a considerable amount of time with them to bond, however this reduces the time I have available to read. Striking the right balance between reading and family time is a challenge I faced today and will face in the ensuing several days. I didn't particularly enjoy family time, but relationship building is important to me so I committed. I didn't end up texting my ex today. I was too tired and irritable to have the capacity to carry out my plan. I'm currently still deciding if sending a text, tomorrow, on Christmas day is appropriate and conducive to my goals. Tonight's family dinner was at a restaurant. I was again, tired and irritable. I had to put in my best effort just to have decent conversation. Although I didn't perform optimally, I feel okay about how it went. While at the restaurant, I had to present ID to get a jug of water from the bar. Feeling spontaneous, I made a joke to the lady serving me: "wow we wouldn't want under 18's getting hammered on water". My joke was met with a cold glare. I was a little thrown off. The lady walked away to prepare the jug. The atmosphere felt awkward afterwards. Time seemed to pass slowly as I waited and all I could think about was how much I wanted to get back to the table. At the table I became very observant of the social climate, especially social nuances. I analysed the body language of people around me and noticed glaringly obvious faux pas that had previously evaded my perception. I was pleased today for my commitment to postive habits and avoidance of negative habits, perhaps former negative habits now. Albeit my meditation today was more difficult than usual. I hypothesise that the difficulty arose from lack of sleep and meditating during vyvanses peak. My thoughts were more difficult than usual to control and I could not, despite trying my hardest, get rid of the song stuck in my head. I watched one of Leo's videos today about qualities possessed by successful individuals. I felt not only motivated and inspired from the video, but very optimistic that I would be capable of developing each of the mentioned qualities in myself. Leo taught me a number of exemplary truths. I contemplated how I could implement into my life the things he was talking about. My biggest takeaways were to become more serious about success, to work harder and to create a more richly detailed vision of my life. I would like to institute a new aim to write these entries earlier. I've been writing them while I'm so tired that I feel like I'm about to collapse. Logically this causes the quality of my writing to be far from its potential. I will see you tomorrow, like usual. Farewell.

I woke up tired and grumpy to the sound of drilling; my mum's partner, Shaun, annexing temporary balustrade on the stairs. I expected to feel frustratingly tired throughout the day due to a poor night of rest. I popped a 70mg vyvanse and made breakfast. At the conclusion of breakfast, I could feel the power of the vyvanse kicking in. All indication of tiredness was gone. I felt energetic and clear-headed. I implemented for the first time, my new habit of daily push-ups. I managed about 65. Nothing big, but a good start for me. Doing push-ups at vyvanses peak was exhilarating and euphoric. I had an emotional conversation with my grandma. I implemented the technique of being fully present in the moment and felt the conversation easily unfolding. We discussed some emotional topics in greater depth than I previously thought each of us were even capable of. It was a rewarding experience. Afterwards, I spent a few hours reading 'The 5 Love Languages' by Gary Chapman. I took great pleasure in acquiring new knowledge that I knew I could readily apply for large life-long results. The book impelled a thought cascade about how much I miss my ex, the one who's Instagram I checked yesterday. I thought about the nasty things I had said to her during and after our relationship. I felt remorseful and still do. I also still feel strongly for her despite 6 months elapsing since our breakup. I'd like to construct a new relationship with her. I know that I have made a lot of progress since beginning my journey of self-development and I feel confident in being able to commit to a healthy relationship. I decided I would like to send her a text to reconnect after about over a month of no contact. I recognised this to be a potentially impulsive decision. I have a rule for controlling impulses which goes as follows: any potentially impulsive decision made must have at least a 24 hour waiting period before acting on it. If by tomorrow afternoon I still believe the decision to be the right one, I will send the text. I carefully planned out what I would text her and strategically crafted responses to the reply or lack thereof that I will receive back. Later, I had a discussion with mum about life. She gave me advice, much of which is consistent with the advice Leo gives. I'm normally bad at holding conversation, but I allowed myself to be fully present in the moment and conversation easily flowed. Dinner was not conducive to much discussion as my baby sister needed attention. However I arm wrestled with Shaun and i could tell we bonded over it. It was during writing this entry that a conversation arose between myseld and Shaun. I opened up to him, again allowing myself to be fully present in the moment, and conversation flowed with considerable ease. We held a deep and emotional conversation about our families, which was a little dark at times. I learned some dark truths. I am again, writing this while very tired and about to go to sleep. I hope that I can complete tomorrows entry at an earlier time when I am less tired and therefore able to produce a higher quality of writing.

"The Charged Life, the truly lived life, is not a routine existence in some quaint, picturesque village of safety and certainty. No, the life worth living is out there, in the wooded wilds of the unknown, on the craggy battlefields that test our wits and wills in the daily fights with our own demons. It is found during the long onward slog through the storms and strife, when we hear only the whispers and taunts of foes and opponents stronger than we, on the ground where we are knocked sprawling and forced to face our own weaknesses, and on the mountaintops that we reach only because we pitted our every ounce of virtue, strength, character, and courage to keep climbing no matter the slings and arrows flung at our backs or the barriers thrown up before us. It is out there that we come face-to-face with the best in ourselves and with our destiny. It is out there, in a new world of uncertainty and adventure, that we push ourselves, better ourselves, realize ourselves. It is only in the herculean quest for something more that life fills us with wisdom and meaning, but only after we have paid with our sweat and, at times, our tears. It is in the marching on when we are tired and weak and fearful, and in the camaraderie of those fellow warriors we have striven with - our brothers and sisters and family and friends who have cheered us on and toiled with us despite the messiness and apparent madness of it all. It is out there on the path less traveled, an uncharted path chosen by each of us alone, an often meandering, overgrown path that leads only to another unpaved roads or open field of opportunity, where we must strike out once more with the same hope for victory and transcendence. It is out there when we have the guts to stand naked before the world as who we truly are, when we peer into the souls of those around us and finally see in them the image of the divine, that we plunge ourselves bravely and unconditionally into love that has no bottom or boundary. It is out there, outside the confines of our comforts and the pleasures of our accumulations, beyond our architecture of the routine, that we slip the bonds of our limiting beliefs, soar magnificently above our own shortcomings, and express our highest selves. It is out there, in a world rich with choice and challenge and fear and freedom, that your greatest gifts and adventures await you. Listen. It is out there that destiny calls. Be bold and ready yourself. It is time to charge once again." - Brendon Burchard from the brilliant book, 'The Charge' which I recommend as a must-read to any serious student of self-actualization. This journal is about my daily experiences in striving for the ultimate goal; the attainment of the charged life. I've set myself the goal to write journal entries every day, a goal that I have identified to play a critical role in self-actualization. Posting entries here on Leo's fantastic forum is my way of holding myself accountable. I welcome constructive comments and the sharing of your own quest for leading a charged life. Without further ado, let's begin. I awoke with a feeling between happy and unhappy but not quite either. I knew this ensuing day would be easy, by relative standards, but having to face the enemy - me - would not be so easy. Fortunately I livened up shortly after leaving bed and surprisingly, felt energetic. My aunt was due to pick my grandma and I up and take us to the airport. Today, grandma and I would travel from Victoria to Queensland to spend some holiday time with family. Unease began as my aunt arrived and greeted my grandma. My grandma has notorious social ineptitude and said something to annoy my aunt. The unease persisted throughout the car ride which I was able to attenuate through keeping conversation with my aunt. An action I found challenging as my own social skills very much need work. We arrived at the airport and said our goodbyes to my aunt. While there, I seemed to have a lasting paroxysm of unmitigated confidence and charisma. Perhaps due to being with another person, perhaps due to my unpredictably incongruent psychology - I don't know. As we boarded the plane, anxiety began to creep up on me. "I will not allow my fear of heights control me", I reminded myself. As I took my seat, I could feel the sweat escaping my palms and my heart race a little. I reminded myself that the chance of something going wrong is incredibly low. Simultaneously, another part of me reminded myself of human unreliability and how prone we are to making errors. My mental landscape was the host to a tug of war. Rational vs irrational. Which will win? Through meditation I was able to calm down enough to almost entirely vanquish my fear. It was wonderful to see my family who I've been missing terribly for months. I let go and fully became myself around them. It was enjoyable. Dinner conversation was lacking however, as I was too tired to participate well. I felt disappointed in my inability, but shrugged it off noting that tomorrow night will be better. One brother told me that my recent haircut looked stupid. My other brother agreed. Although I shouldn't care what other people think or say, my self-esteem and self-image crumbled. I started to feel very self-conscious. Thoughts about other aspects of my appearance started to occupy my mind. I was reminded of how unattractive my facial features are. The thought that I don't have control over changing my facial features made me feel depressed. I felt even more depressed thinking about the state of my oral hygiene - my teeth are disgustingly yellow and crooked and I don't have money to do anything about it. This brought up thoughts about how "dad should have gotten me braces" only propelling me into a state of anger and depression. Even as I was writing this I could feel lividity boil inside me. Despite being surrounded by family, I felt a stinging loneliness. A loneliness that comes from a lack of friends. A loneliness that comes from a lack of deep, intimate love. I considered talking to a girl who was once in my life, but who I cut contact with because of her toxicity. I controlled myself enough to avoid making the bad decision. I slipped up in another way though. About a week ago I deleted Snapchat off my phone because I decided it didn't offer anything valuable in my life, and actually was a negative influence; firstly it wastes time, secondly I would compare myself to others on it making me feel depressed, and thirdly, I would lust over the girls I viewed on it reminding me of the lack of intimate relationships in my own life, causing me to feel depressed. So back to how I slipped up - I reinstalled the app and began talking to a girl who has serious issues of her own. I used her as a means to vent my negative emotions and in the process I just felt worse about myself. She wants to keep contact with me but I don't feel like it is healthy to have her in my life. I want to delete Snapchat again and never talk to her again, but at the same time I would feel rude for doing it. I made another mistake - one with a high emotional cost. It's an aspect of my life where my lack of self-control causes problems. I viewed my ex's Instagram. That was enough to immediately send me into a downward spiral of intense emotions. I expected to feel relieved after tonight's entry, but honestly, now I feel depressed and angry. I'm going to meditate then sleep. I'm still a long, long way off leading the charged life, but I'm working towards it day-by-day, step-by-step and I know if I'm persistent I'll get there. I'm tired. I'll most likely update this tomorrow to enhance readability.