Jacobsen

My tip to you Charlotte is to mind your mind. i was going to write tips and tenants and stuff but i figured its better to keep it simple. the only reason why you think what you experience is a problem is because you resist it. this is the ego trying to avoid pain. the ego can only exist in the past or the future so it will use pain you have experienced in the past to control your emotions which makes you act in a certain way. you attract what you dont want because your in a cycle, a pattern of dillusion about who you are. its good that you bring it up because it shows interest in freeing yourself from this pattern you are experiencing. you are more brave and strong than you realize. its a good start. you must go inside yourself in the heat of the moment and note the thinking. What is the story being told about this moment. what past event triggered this pain in you. the more clear you can see that the painful thoughts as being an reaction to a past event, the more you will naturally let go of all of it. but you can only know any of this in your experience. this cannot be taught only pointed to. In my own life, when i notice that i have been caught in thinking i breath in, note the thought and as i breath out i let go of it. i wll repeat this if necessary.

I habe used headspace for nearly a year now i think on a regular basis. i find it very easy to stick to a daily habit of mediating with headspace. i have only missed out on a few days with the app since i subscribed to it (although the day counter has been reset multiple times but most often due to some technical error. the app can be buggy at times). the app gets updated with new packs and feautures over time so it feels to me its getting gradually better with regular use. i think i only have paid for it once when i first activated my sibscription. i havent seen anyhting going of my check since than. i only paid like 80kr (about 10 dollars) for it. although the packs are advertised as helping with different things such as depression, craving, motivation or concentration for example the exercises themeselves are more or less ubiqitous. You begin with taking deep breaths with an unfocused gaze before returning the breath to normal and closing your eyes. you do a bodyscan, than you start focusing on your breath. than either hone in the focus or switch to a vizualization depending on the pack. than you let go of any focus for a moment before coming back to the body and slowly opening your eyes again. thats it for 10 minutes. what varies is the information told to you before and after the exercise depending on the pack you have activated. thats the app in a nutshell i like it. i get a lot of good information or atleast reminders and insights into a more simple and peacefull approach to life. its a bit basic thats true but nothing wrong with that. it works really well if you incorporate into your daily. i find it especially easy to fit it in even when im busy.

I have had a lot of great chanses with really amazing girls so far with my life. Girls who captivate me. Who id easily want to start something with. But the common theme is that i cant bring myself to talk to her and hold a conversation without feeling extremely akward and uncomfortable. I end up letting go because i cant bear the thought of "losing her" i guess. Why am i feeling this way? Maiby you can elaborate with your own experience. I want to feel like i can just express myself and feel goid with my communication.

Hi everyone. its been a few months now since my last trip report which you can read here; I have decided to "trip" again (the 24.2-2018) with the same stuff and brand and all like the last time (Atlantis Truffles). But this time i upped the ante with a whole 5 grams. i decided to take 15g of Atlantis brand truffles with the intent of inner inquiry. i wont be going into the brand here. You can read about that in the link to my last report. Last time i "tripped" i experienced a euphoria. A serene mindfulness of my experience. I was mind full of senses and emotions. I became investigative beyond my normal state. i was looking beyond into whats now. it was a very accepting experience. it was a experience of discovery but focused a lot on externals. Why is the world like this? i kept asking myself that basically. it was also very focused on the pleasure of having an experience where i wasnt being anyone in particurlar but just seeing life unfold. It was witnessing life as an experience. I was discovering the nuance between being natural and unnatural. i noticed a lot of unnatural beings that day and i noted it as a form of "acting". That was than. How does this trip compare? much the same in a sense but was way more introspective, deeper and heartfelt. It was much more about how i was feeling. My old pains and confusion was brought up and thoroughly experienced and investigated. Just like the last time i became naturally investigative. i kept asking questions and the higher self (the part that understands my true nature) came flowing to me with an understanding of me and my confusions that made sense. i experienced my child self coming through with a need for comfort, wisdom and care that i than amended. I started the day with doing a few quick chores. cleaning up and stuff like that so i wouldnt need to bother my self with such when im under the influence. i meditated than for an hour in my bedroom. i didn't eat anything before tripping. at around 11:40 i ingested the truffles. i didnt eat the whole pack at once and started with smaller portions. i was unsure if i wanted to ingest it all since i had only done 10g last. but i did end up eating all of them as i chewed through the package. Let me be straight with you it tastes like moldy socks. it wasnt "Awful" but not the slightest appetizing. it was like an eraser with a bitter, earth like taste. After ingesting the truffles i sat with my back upright against the wall behind me, first just sitting there than meditating a bit than listening a bit to music. I was feeling a little bit nervous of possibly having a "bad trip" but i thought to myself that the experience would be exactly what i need. i didn't need to worry just trust that things would work out. after about half an hour or so the affects slowly started to take place. i noticed my "inner vision" started to become viral. i began seeing "imagery" sprawl across my "inner eye". images of cartoons, drawings and symbols were sprawling about in a somewhat "circular" fashion. It was very much of out control, which is a good way to put it. The imagery had no start or end it just kept going. unfolding and folding. What i can remember seeing is a lot of glowing and luminescent color, especially turquoise, blue and green. the only image i can remember at the time of writing this is a "drawing" (because it was clearly a cartoon) of a tigers head. Like a signpost but psychedelic in style and neon. As the effects became stronger an electric buzzing became present around my head. I felt it the most in my ears. it was like and electric current was surging through me at a random pace but always fast. i could feel and hear this buzzing. sometime the current would buzz out all other sounds. i became very mindfull of my body. whenever i felt a tension or an unease in my body i could feel it very strongly. the sensation itself wasnt "strong" but i could feel it very well. For example if my arm was sticking to high up and the blood was flowing down out of it. i could feel the sensation of tingling and general unease very clearly. When i started to get hot i could feel it not as normal warmth but as an vibrating energy that was spinning in place around my body. it took a moment for me to understand that i was too hot. it was sometimes hard to make out what my body was feeling. but it wasnt possible to ignore my body in that state. it made me "adjust" myself with my body a lot more than before. But before i reached the peak i felt an unease. i kept noting to myself "theres something missing... Something not right". i couldnt quite make a clear distinction of what i needed. Eventually i decided to go eat. i wasnt feeling all well and i was really hungry. as i rose up from my bed my body felt so light as a feather. it suprised me because i expected id had to put in a lot more effort into getting up. it was almost like the force i used to get up almost made me jump as i got on my feet. like id be pulled up into the air by the sheer velocity of the force applied in that movement. as i moved across towards the kitchen it didnt feel familiar to walk around. it was like my body was a bit like a marionette. i could only focus on a certain movement at the time. it felt like my movement was very "particular" and i felt weird about it. i ensued to eat an apple, a pear, two rice crispies and a toast. i just sat down an started eating. i could feel the food move down into my stomach very well. especially the toast and the rice crispies i could feel it sucking up a lot of water while moving down my innards. that made me thirsty. it made me think about how healthy those foods are too. after laying back down i could really well feel the toast ive eaten inside my stomach. Occasionally i would open my eyes " (as i could only see the images when my eyes where close) to see if there was a visual affect. i read that 15g would induce some visuals. last time there where no real psycedelic "visuals" (i did see what mattered though hahah). Deeper into the "trip" i could see a flowing, but fixed pattern of shapes gliding across the surface of my vision. the symbols where translucent but glowing in neon color. the symbols where like boxes mad out of a coiled line. However i wasn't really interested in these visuals. Because i started to "inquire". i was beginning slowly to ask a lot of questions seaming less amidst all of these affects. i would shoot question and my higher self came to me and started talking. a voice was talking to me about my confusions and my pains i was feeling and carrying. i noticed the voice was kind of British and scottish or cockney or something. a very distinct voice. i inquired into this and i discovered some very interesting things about me, and my interests. im naturally an expressive person. i feel attracted to things that are very direct and clear in expression. it makes sense. it explains why i love cartoonist drawings or why the voice was so distinct or my affection for very loud and aggressive rock. Or why i naturally feel very drawn to tigers. It was saying that im naturally expressive because i have a message i want to share with the world. The pain of my past where i didnt feel like i could express myself properly was stored as this strong negative emotion. When id think of my dad this emotion came sliding up unto my face. my face would contort in frustration and sadness. it felt so thight. my chest got really thight and i would cry. it became hard to breath as i was just lying there feeling this emotion. this emotion was vibrating a lot. it felt like my head was going red. it would pass than come back than pass again. it would come everytime id think about my dad in that state there and than my dad became symbolic for an inner frustration i had. i was sad because i didnt believe in my own communication. later on in the trip that emotion would more and more settle. id stop experiencing it after a while. i grabbed my phone and just posted on facebook a rock music video (disposible teens by Marilyn manson), on of my favorite songs with the accompanied text "what if you could just say anything". i also made an earlier post just as silly. later on i deleted these post as i felt i didnt have to "settle" with my past actions which i didnt feel suit me. it felt right to delete both these posts as i felt that they where quite silly to be frank. that was very "therapeutic" and it showed a willingness to care for myself instead of bashing and hurting myself for things i dont have control over. to stop limiting my expression over misunderstanding myself. After i while i could feel i had to pee. i was thinking i wasnt in a good state to be doing things but i felt i just had to take action for myself. to my avail i found that the bathroom was being used by someone else so i just grabbed a bottle and peed inside of that (im an expert on bottle peeing after an incident where my toilet stopped working for a week). i wanted to get back into the "conversation" i had with myself. it was like a therapy session (despite how cheesy that sounds to me). this felt like something i just had to get over with to focus on the important stuff. moving aroung was strange but i could manage fine. i made a lot of amazing discoveries about myself that day. things that make sense to how i feel. i discovered this natural need for learning. to have a "guide" of some sort "teaching" me how to do stuff. basic things like learning how to focus, how to talk and treat others and how to understand. not that i feel im clueless but more as a child wanting to be equipped so i can go exploring this world. i discovered its easy to take for granted what i know and that i truly dont know much or anything. im always learning naturally. i discovered a way to better understand people. in a sense we are all children because were all the going through the experience of life. there is fundamentally no clear definition of an adult and not adult because all the experience is now. a child is coming home into lifes dream. this helped me frame people as fundamentally always equal to everybody else because that is being in balance. don't hurt but take no shit. everybody can understand that. i discovered something about how i experience the opposite sex. that im not truly not into wanting to womanize every girl i find beautiful. to always go in circles, going through the same interactions and never truly committing to who i am. i discovered im not someone who just takes. I discovered i might need a new identity. i felt my name "sebastian" didnt quite make sense to me. it didnt feel "descriptive" of who i felt i am. so my higher self would constantly come to me and ask "so lets find you a new name". the higher self kept coming back to that. as of now i dont quite know what that would be but i guess its something that will find me first. i discovered a voice inside of me that spoke my truth. in the past i wouldnt use this voice instead focusing on using words i thought would make the most sense in any given situation. but i discovered that my voice makes the most sense. naturally so. this voice felt right. and it showed i dont have to be in the right. i dont have to be correcting myself and others according to an idea, an ideaology. instead i could just share my experience and what works for me. I can better know. i discovered how singular my focus actually is. tripping id be completely engrossed into the one thing id be doing thus getting distracted would feel like actually be comepletely dragged away from what i wanted to do. Before i wouldnt really notice how distracting being distracted actually is. Post trip is to learn to focus on my intention and what i want to do and to cut out distraction by clearly noting distractions as a distraction. i discovered that i have an natural inclination to follow my joys. to bask in sunlight. to draw and create art. just for its own sake because its a joy to me and before i didnt notice that my joys matter to me. i naturally feel this compassion and joy from these things i like. ive started to incorporating that more into my day to day. to for example just spend some time drawing instead of putting it of for something that doesnt have that underlying joy. This trip compared with the last was more of an emotional experienced. i cried a lot. but its what i wanted to find in the first place. i started "tripping" with the intent of finding answers. i came to find myself thus therefore i can recommend this "brand" as a product if your the same. if your willing to learn, listen and feel the pain that's been stuck in the body. its a journey of understanding and ive understood that i for a long time didnt feel confident nor truly believed in my own communication. my expression and my gift to the world. now thats changing and this is just the beginning.

@Zephyr Every day i do a 5 minute morning meditation as soon as i wake up, 10 minute guided meditation and a 30 minute silent meditation. sometimes i meditate with focus on the pineal gland. than i meditate for 30 minutes as i usually do but in complete darkness and listening to "pineal gland activating" music. The moment the meditation ends i hold my breath as long as comfortable, followed by holding the breath for 15 seconds three times. At the end of that i chant the word "thouh" on exhalation six times. This creates an audible ringing noise inside my head, depending on the pitch. Again i hold my breath for 15 seconds three times and do the chanting again, except this time ill be saying "may". At the end of all of that ill put focus on my forehead area, which should be full of energy by now. I focus on this energy and imagine there being an eye there slowly opening. i do this for and unprecedented amount of time. I'm not sure where i am at with my "non-duality" journey exactly but i do feel like i am slowly getting an inclination to it, i am suspecting that certain things i thought where true to be actually different (maybe because i never truly thought about the context of those believes). i feel like this life is more like a projection and limitations is the manifestation of something. That everything that goes by ultimately is small and frankly some sort of joke. Why exist? I'm not sure if i see random visions during my day. None that i can exactly remember. But i do know it has happened in meditation. it depends if i can remember my dreams on what i dream. I live on a campus as of now and dream rarily but when im home i can dream almost everyday for some reason. the last months ive been having nightmares. Not waking up in sweat type of nightmares but i can remember parts of these dreams well and i can sometimes remember the feeling of the dreams i have. i tend to write down all my dreams in my journal and try to decipher them by reading into the role of each aspect in the dream and how it acted in the context of the dream,

Recently, after after some meditations i can feel a surge of energy in the middle of my forehead. this occurs at times during my meditation but also some times if i focus on the area or if i hear classical music. i understand that its my pineal gland which is working up but im not a master. From my experience with it it feel like its an inwards looking eye. We have two eyes to observe a world which is inherently dualistic. one eye to view a world that is inherently one. when i meditate with pineal gland activating music, it feels like there is a cosmos inside and I'll see visions. Most are of things that scare me. Once i saw a devil inside me. I feel a lot of fear when i meditate with the intent of activating the pineal gland. Once i got so scared it permeated every time i was alone. Recently i tried again but i allowed myself to feel that fear. Afterwards i felt a real sense of spaciousness inside and freedom. I feel more now like a being than a human being than before. It feels like this forehead tension has become some sort of friend now. its strange because sometimes the energy is mostly felt bottom right of the center of my forehead. other times on the left side. I like to visualize it as this glowing bead in the middle of my forehead. Blue feels like its it colour if it glows.

In my experience i lose interest in what is the "right" way to do things as i go along this journey. Even this discussion seems a bit redundant in all fairness but i like to help.

Just try it out. you learn tenfold more from experimentation. Personally i gravitate more and more to regular silent meditation. I used to listens alot to meditative music but nowdays i just get sleepy from it.

Yes i could just look it up but i want to hear your personal experience of what it is. This is something that i've been wondering about what exacly can be defined as a dark night of tge soul and never truly found a clear answer to. Is it a "period of life" that was particurlarly painfull and resulted in a lot growing? I have been through that personally and i used to think that that was a dark night of the soul. But now i find it hard to be certain on anything. Is it the entire journey of the spirit until "enlightenment"? Is it basically "spiritual puberty". Something goes through once as they awaken. Is a "mini" dark soul of the night a thing? Could you experience multiple. What are the exact characteristics of a dark soul of the night? Is it all healing and release of sadness and hurt or is it realizing "impearmance" and putting that into context with your life (and subsequently dealing the emotions there of)?

I remember feelings of being "unnecessary" when around groups of people, back in school and through high school and college. Feels like my thoughts and feelings and desires dont matter. Any one thing i would like to say would remain unsaid because "whats the point". Its sad and painfull. It got so painfull to the point where i decided i had TRULY enough. Up to this point what has changed fundamentaly is the "story" i tell myself about myself. Understand tgat who i am is who i am is who i am ad infinitum. You cant escape this person who lives inside of you, litteraly inside you chest as a heart, your higher self. I never changed only the thoughts i carry about myself changed.

Thank you @Nahm and @Joseph Maynor. Profound advice. I feel inspirered.

Eye contact is the most beautifull thing. Words dont match.

Thank you @Circussmile.

In recent time i experience a "deepining" in my meditation practice. I experience a wierd change, sometimes accompinied by "visions" like "psycedelic waves" or people i know walking around without eyes in their sockets (as if hollow). When i finish i feel this "uncertainty". I would stare at myself in the mirror questioning who i am. This experience is a bit unsettling and now i feel fear a around meditation. I dont want to fully "enter" into the meditation while i am meditating in fear of "evil entities", as if "entering deeply" will expose me to threats i cant see or control and stop. I feel spiritually vulnerable. Im afraid of the uknown. Its like my sense of security and knowing are balloons i hold unto but instead of me "losing" them, they lose "me". I am the one flying of and im grasping thoughts like their branches on "my way up" to halt this.

☺☺❤❤ Awesome report, Hundreth.