Liam Johnson

Entry 212 | Suffer Now, Pleasure Later Theory: No matter how tired or worn out you convince yourself to be, always complete the tasks that you have laid out for yourself today. Applying it: Remind yourself "suffer now and feel the pleasure later." Last weekend, I came to the realisation that there is a direct relationship between suffering and pleasure. By use of the word "suffering," I refer to that sense of striving for a goal no matter how beaten up, upset or worn out you are. So pretty much synonymous with persistence, aggression, determination, etc. On a fundamental level, people tend to have one of two strategies to guide them through life: To experience the pleasure now, which they will suffer for later To experience the suffering now, which they will feel the pleasure for later Can you possibly guess which strategy I'm going to vouch for? So the first strategy can be found in the following decisions: eating delicious chocolates and cakes, getting drunk or high, buying expensive clothes and jewellery constantly, watching porn, deciding to hit the snooze button on the alarm, putting off that dream project for another day... The list goes on. All of these sorts of activities have one goal in common: to make life more comfortable. But it only takes a little bit of foresight to recognise that these actions can lead to some drastic consequences in the future. The second strategy is the opposite of all those decisions: putting down the chocolate and picking up the celery stick instead, dropping the booze and alcohol and investing that money on a gym membership, have a minimalist approach to clothing, turn off the porn and try some dating, getting up on time, completing your daily tasks... These activities have one goal in common: to live the fulfilled life. It's to live with the knowledge that if you died in your sleep, you could rest in peace knowing that you gave it everything that you got. The thing about choosing the second strategy is that it doesn't necessarily have to be about survival, nor does it have to be about obtaining results. Even though those kinds of habits paint a picture for a longer life with more things in it that you want, those don't have to be the determining factors that lead you to choose this strategy. Because the "suffer now, pleasure later" rule doesn't only apply long-term, but it also applies with every day that passes. If you've ever had the most fulfilling night's sleep after completing all your goals for the day, you'll know what I'm talking about. That thought when you look back on the day and think "I really kicked ass today!" This strategy has been a prominent part of my life. Thanks to employing this strategy unconsciously, I've been able to become a professional guitarist, a black-belt karate student, a first-class degree, a singer and multi-instrumentalist, a Dvorak keyboard touch-typist, and a load of other cool stuff. But that's not to discount the other habits that need taking care of like getting up on time, completing my daily tasks, try some dating, get some gigs in, and so on. There's always room for growth! So as long as you don't confuse suffering to mean "ego suffering" in this context, the "suffer now, pleasure later" rule of thumb could be a useful motto to take on. Pick of the day: (no journal tomorrow due to overnight trip to Sheffield)

Entry 211 | Aggression Can Be Positive? Theory: Aggression is a necessary factor alongside happiness that contributes to successful goal-striving. Applying it: Rather than tackling problems in a laid-back, nonchalant manner, be willing to feel the slight discomfort of aggression and tackle them head on. I've just finished another chapter of Psycho-Cybernetics and came across the use of the term 'aggression' alongside words like happiness, intelligence and positivity. This was really confusing. Aggression seems to have connotations of suffering mentally and becoming angry. So I went to look up the dictionary definition of the word and discovered a more accurate meaning for the word in this context: Aggressive: behaving or done in a determined or forceful way. Perhaps the key word in the definition is "determined." Goal-striving people are determined to achieve something meaningful. From personal experience, I've been through over 10 years of determination with the guitar. And to that, it could be said that I've pursued my inner goals aggressively. And one lesson that I can teach for sure is that aggression feels uncomfortable at the beginning, but it paves the way for greater fulfilment in the future. This reminds me of the "suffer now to feel pleasure later" lesson that came to me a few days ago. Any beginner guitarist will recognise the struggles of dealing with the painful strings denting their fingertips. But as they practiced more and more, their fingers toughen up until they become numb to the pain and it no longer becomes a problem. And so will any task become easier to complete given sufficient practice. It just takes a little patience and persistence to see that process reach its end. As I'm settling into self-governed life, it seems really uncomfortable to make the effort with my career goals. I've got a safety blanket in my bank account thanks to the remaining student finance money and I'm living cheaply in my parents home. There's every reason to slob around and do nothing every day. But with the visions that I keep in the back of my mind constantly, just a little aggression is necessary to push through and forge the proper habits that will hopefully lead to a more independent future. Pick of the day:

Entry 210 | Reflection Well, blimey. Shit hit the fan since my last reflection post almost 2 months ago. The events that occurred during that period completely caught me by surprise. Nevertheless, persistence hasn't been lost. As of today, things are looking a good deal more hopeful. My meditation and enlightenment work has produced some amazing results recently. I watched Leo's devil video which came at the perfect time, given what I experienced yesterday. But it also made me realise that he spoke about truths that have come to me long before he mentioned them. Particularly the point that God creates and observes an infinite number of perceptions and the perception of the self eliminates all others from being perceived. If that makes sense Apart from the "infinite" part, I had contemplated this perhaps a few years ago. And the more I considered it, the more it rang as being true. Since then, I've had dreams and memories seemingly of other people's lives come into my awareness. When Leo talked about that possibility, it hit home like a ton of bricks. First, there was the feeling of terror that I remembered from yesterday. But after a while, it converted into pure joy and laughter. It's almost as if suddenly I became aware of a vast amount of perspectives at once in conjunction with this one. The trick for the future is going to be learning how to maintain that state of awareness for longer and longer periods of time until maybe it becomes permanent. Going back to this perspective then, I'm eating healthy food, exercising at the gym regularly, keeping in touch with friends (which I don't get to see very much since leaving uni), and reading and listening to (audio)books. I've been chipping away at Psycho-Cybernetics off-and-on for a while now, but I'd like to maybe have it finished within the next week or two. It's a habit that really needs reviving. Amazing that there was once a time where music would be at the top of my list of priorities. It's perhaps a saving grace that mental and physical health have become my top priorities. In fact, I haven't exactly been creating much new "music" recently. Not even with the Wiimote project, which is proving to be quite the challenge. But I still play the guitar every day. For the last two days, I've just been completely absorbing myself with the 'sound' of the guitar by washing my ears with a rich drone that I tuned the guitar too. It's as if music composition has become far less interesting than the intrinsic nature of the instrument itself. With absolutely no variation in pitch, harmony or rhythm, I've found the soothing tones of the guitar drones to evoke almost a godly feeling. Like water flowing through a river. It's very indulgent but in doing so, I'm improving my picking hand at the same time. It's not that I'm "finally getting on track" anymore. The fact is that I was always on the tracks. All that needs to happen now is a surge of momentum. Pick of the day:

Entry 209 | A Day of Enlightenment This is what I've been running from for the last year. The reason why I let myself fall off schedule and get "distracted." Yes, I watched that video today. First thing this morning actually. And it triggered something within that has been dormant for around a year. Last year, I had an enlightenment experience that put the fear of God into me. It was by far the most profound experience in my life so far. It created simultaneous feelings of joy and terror that seemed to glue my eyes open with astonishment. For the first time ever, the illusion of "I am" started to crumble. But not for good. Then after watching Leo's distraction video this morning, I realised that my obsession with making a really successful musical career had made me lose sight of this state of awareness completely. That wondrous but intimidating state of being just became another memory. And then today, it slowly began to rise to the surface after a year of denial. It was just as powerful as I remembered. Seeing as my home situation was such that I could spend the whole day in solitude, I decided to do nothing all day except for being present with this state of being. I started meditating at around 1pm and tried to maintain the higher state of consciousness for as long as possible. This lead me to meditating til around 6pm (although that included meal time, which I nonetheless did mindfully). Even after then, I'd managed to maintain the state of being until right now. It's like the realisation of the illusion has once again occurred. There is no "I" and there never was. All that there seems to be is just life taking its course. Last year, I felt too much of a coward to maintain the feeling of terror in my mind. But now, the choice of pursuing ego-death has come around and it can't be ignored. I commit to maintaining this level of consciousness for the next few days to see what happens. Although as has been said, there is no "I" making the commitment. Liam might be, but that's not to be confused with the Truth within, right? Pick of the day: What is music but just another distraction?

Entry 208 | Lol Whoops Okay, so getting used to life outside of the educational system seems to have knocked me off balance a little! To be fair, I'm doing pretty well so far. The Edinburgh tour and the whole hospital business earlier this month certainly helped pull me off track but I've been slowly piecing things together. I suppose I ought to admit that there are some very prevalent fears that need facing. There's no point lying to myself and pretending it's plain sailing for the most part because, as the absence of journal entries have shown, there's been a lot of resistance on my part. One of those fears is to do with my career. It's a combination of making money with doing work that I genuinely feel like I'm contributing to the world in the best way that I can. To tell the truth, I'm not one for wanting lots of money. I never spend it on things like alcohol, drugs, nights out, movies, Netflix, fast food, holidays, not even a place of my own yet. My main priority is to be able to earn money doing something meaningful, both to me and those around me. Without trying to big myself up, I've noticed that a lot of people have felt inspired by what I do. It's weird because it doesn't feel to me like I do anything all that special. And there are so many other people in life that I feel are more inspiring than myself. Nonetheless, I've received several comments recently, both online and in person, directly and indirectly, in regards to how I've inspired them in some way. My original music has particularly struck a chord with friends and strangers alike (I love puns), but I've also been told from people close to me that my outlook is unusually positive. So perhaps all I need to focus on is to employ these "super powers" in whatever facet of life I decide to focus on and perhaps things will start to grow. I call them "super powers" because they seem to have a huge impact on others around me even though I don't fully believe that they exist yet. I'm gonna leave a music video that seems to have triggered a fair bit of response from people in my life and see what you think Another one of my fears is that I feel doubtful whether or not I could actually earn a living as a guitarist playing original music. There's a big part of my psyche that tells me that such an idea would be too good to be true, even with my current ability to be positive. But I know that doubt is not a luxury I can afford any more. I've burned my bridges behind me and I've committed to making this work. There is no going back. Also in the car yesterday, I discovered a new way of looking at pleasure and suffering. The idea is that both of them will come in equal amounts in our lifetime. The only choice we have to make is which do we want now and which do we want later? Which is better: to feel the pleasure now and suffer later, or to suffer now and to feel the pleasure later? This question is literally the difference between living a fulfilling life and a miserable one. Suppose I can make that my journal entry tomorrow. I'm sick of telling myself that I'll get back on track now. My actions will inevitably reflect my true intentions on this journey. No amount of words will ever be able to change that. Pick of the day:

Entry 207 | Defining What You Do Theory: The more rigorous you are when it comes to defining yourself, the less open-minded you can be to receive fresh and unique ideas. Applying it: Don't cling onto anything aspect of your personality or lifestyle as being 'yours.' Be open to suggestion and new ideas. This has been something I've been aiming to change since my early teenage years. During that time, I was very strict about what I wanted to become in the future: a heavy-metal shred guitarist. There was no question during those years. But as I grew older and my life situation gradually changed, I realised something. Not only was it limiting my capacity for growth, but the guitar playing that I did started to feel bland, repetitive and boring. It was at this point that I decided to expand on my definition for myself. What's more, I'd developed a nickname at school: "the shred machine." Pretty epic nickname for sure! But after a while, it bugged me that people were referring to me as a machine, even though it was in a complimentary sense for my shredding skills. I wanted to be seen as something more than just a shred machine. This influenced me to take up acoustic guitar playing. The definition that I wanted to create incorporated all styles of guitar playing and not just heavy metal. So through my uni years, I learned about different styles of guitar playing; both acoustic and electric. And by the end of university, I'd developed somewhat of a reputation for being just an overall great guitar player. Their words, not mine. But then the same problem came around. I didn't want to be just a great guitar player. In fact, I wanted to be a great musician, or just simply a great human being. And it is this force that drives my self-actualisation along with my music. This "problem" has resulted in more open-mindedness in my life. The goals I have set for myself encompass not only guitar playing but also computer programming, meditating, healthy eating, exercising, studying, and more. As I'm slowly starting to piece my own life together, I'm putting myself in a position to understand what kind of value I can provide for other people. All that I need is the courage to share it. Pick of the day:

Entry 206 | Worrying And Negative Visualising Theory: Worrying is just a form of visualisation that constantly focuses on the worst possible outcomes. It's unconscious, destructive visualisation. Applying it: As opposed to focusing on the negative outcomes, try to consciously focus on the best possible outcomes instead. Then you will have used visualisation for a constructive purpose. I was listening to the audiobook for Psycho-Cybernetics when I came across this nugget of information. Worrying is a process that I've long recognised to be unnecessary and unhelpful. But it never occurred to me that worrying is just unconscious, negative visualisation. It's what the brain uses to exercise our imagination when we don't feed it with something constructive. To paraphrase Napoleon Hill, a garden will simply start growing weeds if you don't pull them out and plant the seeds for something else. Which is another reason why a solid visualisation practice during everyday life could make a huge difference on general wellbeing and productivity. If you are constantly tending to your "garden," then you can be sure to pull up the weeds that are there in the first place and keep them away in future. In other words, if you are constantly looking after your mind, you can be sure to come across worry-causing thoughts, eliminate them and keep them from appearing again. That's so long as you are equipped with the tools to do the job. Pick of the day:

Entry 205 | We're Gonna Suffer Anyway Theory: Action or inaction, we are always going to suffer in one form or another. So we might as well suffer whilst striving for the best possible outcome. Applying it: Using the "cliff face" analogy, we can see the effects of two different kinds of suffering in regards to pursuing our goals. As I was kicking ass with my redesigned routine for the day, I came up with a neat little analogy that helped to put my goals in a fuller perspective. As I'm currently jobless/self-employed, one of my biggest goals for the next few years is to generate sustainable income through my own means. It's a pretty important goal because of my determination to not get "any old job." And it's a goal that I haven't taken massive action on yet. But with this analogy and what my instincts are telling me, that's about to change. So imagine two guys standing at the foot of this giant cliff face. They are given the task of climbing to the top of this cliff, even though the top is elevated way up into the clouds. The first guy looks up at the cliff face and starts to panic: "I'll never be able to make it up there. How am I going to do that? What if I fall and die?" He stays exactly where he is at the foot of the cliff. After a while, he even tries to scale up the cliff face but only makes it about 10 ft off the ground before giving up. Although he knows he ought to be climbing that cliff because it's his mission, his anxieties restrain him from completing the task. The second guy looks up at the cliff face. He ponders how it could be an impossible task, how he could fall and die, and how reaching the top could possibly be of any benefit for him. Nevertheless, he calms himself as he slowly remembers his rock-climbing training. He begins his ascent. Naturally, he didn't want to rush to the top so he savoured his energy by making slow, calculated decisions to ascend a little bit further. And a little bit further. Several days and weeks pass by as he manages to climb hundreds/thousands of feet up the cliff face. The first person, at the foot of the cliff, looks up in admiration at his opponent. He starts hating a little because he never had the guts to climb like the second guy, and now he's miles ahead. But the second guy doesn't look back. Even though he is suffering physically from the massive climb, his focus is constantly directed forward and upward. He doesn't care if he makes it to the top anymore. Because he knows that if he were to fall and die at this point, he would die knowing that he gave it his all and he defied the odds. He takes deep satisfaction from how far he's come. If he makes it to the top now, that would just be a bonus. The real thrill was in the climb, not in the final result. ... That should paint a pretty neat picture about what the consequences of pursuing our deepest desires (our mission) should entail. Go figure: mission = life purpose, cliff face = obstacles standing in the way, the long climb to the top = the many years pursuing an end result, first guy = mindset geared towards inaction, second guy = mindset geared towards action. Also, the key word imagine is most important. If you cannot imagine yourself as both of these guys, you can't sympathise or understand their mindsets. You do it correctly when you start to see examples from your own life that resemble the situation for both of these guys. They represent both the times where you've been too afraid to take action and also the times where you've dived into the unknown and experienced the thrills of accomplishing the extraordinary. Both men are suffering. But how they suffer is completely different. Whilst the first guy is suffering from the clutches of his anxieties, the second guy is suffering from the many obstacles he's overcome. But ultimately, the second guy is the one who knows that he will die fulfilled. Pick of the day:

Entry 204 | Reforming Old Habits Theory: Any habits that you've grown accustomed to in the past (good or bad) can be easily re-established if you lose them. Applying it: Try taking some form of action on one of your old forgotten habits (a positive one). Notice how easy it comes back to you once you welcome it back into your life. This should go as testament to the effectivity of the self-actualization work I've been doing for the better part of a year. I've redefined my identity to incorporate meditation, healthy eating and exercise on a daily basis. It's become a part of who I am (my ego). As a result, it's been ridiculously easy to reform my habits ever since the disruption of the last month of my personal life. I'm pretty sure the brain is wired too. Once the neural pathways (or something) have been established for one habit or activity, it can remain strong for a long time. Which would mean that when you stop a habit/activity for a few months or years and then take it up again, the brain retains the connections it previously made (albeit not perfectly intact). Thus, it's easier for the brain to remember old habits than to form new ones. This has remained true in my own experience. Especially as a musician. Once you've spent months learning a song, you can come back to it after years of not playing it and pick it up again in around a day or two. At least that's while my fingers are as fit and nimble as they are given my age. Also, I can still remember lots of karate moves from my childhood (fun fact: I became a black belt in karate before I picked up the guitar for the first time). Although I may not be able to perform all of them as well as I once could, the fact that they are fresh in my memory after 10+ years means that I could potentially use them in a threatening situation if need be. Seeing as I brought up the ego, I just want to comment that I've seen the ego being bashed as something evil and destructive. And granted, it is responsible for most of human suffering (psychologically at least). But truth be told, it's something were born with. It's as much a part of life as anything else. To stamp it out as being evil has never sit right with me. Instead, I see it as identity. An identity which can be reinvented and shaped into something new. This is good news because with constructive, self-actualising habits, ego can be converted from destructive into productive. Toxic to healthy. Then as far as transcending the ego is concerned, it's much easier to transcend something that's healthy already. If the ego was constantly surrounding itself with problems, distractions, complications and so forth, it would be impossible to transcend that stuff. You can't bury your head in the sand and pretend they aren't there. Only when the ego is healthy (i.e. is no longer problematic) can transcendence become an option. Pick of the day:

Entry 203 | Back To Basics So here I am. Almost a week later, the personal issues have cleared up a fair amount. I accept that life is full of twists and turns. But lets say that after 3 weeks of wondrous mayhem on tour, the events in the last week of August were not the best way to return. If Edinburgh threw me off my stride into positive things, this last week threw me into the negative things. And it's been hard to readjust to my old routines before tour. The lack of journal posts this month confirm it. In fact, a friend of mine put it nicely when they said that situations like this can shuffle around all of your priorities. That's the best way to look at it. Someone in my family had to spend an unexpected week in hospital. As such, my priorities shifted to taking care of them rather than myself. And in that sense, there's really no reason to condemn my actions because they weren't prioritising myself. And the actions certainly weren't done as a form of procrastination from the work I wanted to do on myself. But now things are cooling down at home, I can once again start working on my own goals because my priorities have changed once again. My family member is now living at home, which makes it even easier to care for them as well as giving me more time in the day to do something about myself. Also, I've been called up to step in for a guitarist in a wedding band this Friday, which has provided me with something short-term to regain my focus and drive. My goals for the foreseeable future are simple: meditate 1hr each day, visit the gym once per day, recover my diet, and finish some music projects. And I often find that once one habit is established, it becomes so much easier to establish other habits. Also I hate to sound like a broken record in regards to what I want to do with my life. It's so boring. I just want to do it. Simple. It's been a turbulent month for me in both good ways and bad ways. But the past doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is right here and right now. And here I am writing my journal, feeling slightly tired but also a little more fulfilled than I did last night. Let's keep the ball rolling. Pick of the day:

Entry 202 | Spanner In The Works I'd love to say that since I returned home from tour, everything's been fine. I'd love to say that my meditation schedule, diet and daily routine is back to normal. And most important, I wish I could say that my parents were absolutely fine and healthy. It would have been a lovely way to return from such an epic journey. But instead, without delving into private and personal details, I have to confess that this isn't the story that happened. Whilst one parent is slowly becoming more forgetful, the other is lying up in hospital on their own. I don't have a steady income or even a career going yet and I thought that would be the most of my worries for the next year. It's my job now to become the supporting figure in the household. And I'm really scared. But at the same time, I've also spent a long time practicing the art of positive thinking. And it's this skill that has probably saved me from completely breaking down into tears. As well as this, I'm constantly reminded of the importance of the present moment. And there are plenty of positives to notice here and now. Despite the gloomy picture described above, my parents are both still alive, my gran too, and I have a decent amount of savings in my bank thanks to not squandering my student finance money. It's all a part of life in the end. And as nasty as it might appear from a humanistic perspective, the holistic approach tells me that this is just as much a part of life as any other moment. I'm at peace with how things are, even if that peace exists in a sombre form. It's not been the easiest in terms of reforming my habits. But I suppose now more than ever is the perfect time to start picking myself up off the floor and tramming on. As bad as things are at the minute, it could be far far worse. I need to sort my life out not just for myself, but for those around me. Because I love myself and those around me so much. If I can become a supporting rock in and of myself, then that will benefit those around me just as much. And so, as difficult as it feels right now, it's time to move full throttle once again towards a future of my choosing. Pick of the day:

Entry 201 | Performing at The Fringe This August has proved to be one of the most memorable experiences of my life so far. Albeit to serve as the guitarist for a musical that wasn't exactly the highest quality one of the Fringe, I've spent the last 20 days living with great people, watching mind-blowing shows and making wonderful memories. Every single day involved a performance of some kind or another, either the musical or my own busking set on the bustling streets of Edinburgh. I remember it was difficult to adjust to this new lifestyle in the beginning. Admittedly, a good deal of my self-actualisation work went right out of the window. My diet, meditation habit, reading habit and the like. I started to lose confidence in myself and my abilities. But as the days passed, I became stronger-willed and more full of joy with each passing day. One of the biggest challenges for me was flyering on the Royal Mile to advertise the show. It's not my nature to shove flyers in people's faces and entice them to come and watch the show. I tried for a few days to make it work but nothing did. Rather than trying to force myself to develop a pushy persona, I managed to use some creativity to get around the problem. Namely, I would play the songs from the show on the street whilst somebody else took flyers next to me. This proved to be far more successful and it made us stand out from every other person just stood around flyering the most basic way. The busking sets went rather well too. Being my first time, it was really satisfying to see people standing around watching my show for 30 minutes and also throwing in their loose change. My finger bled every single time I performed though. But as a guy who once used to be in a metal band, it's a cool sacrifice to take! Perhaps the best comment from a passer-by was "is this guy on drugs?" At least, I hope that was a compliment! Perhaps the best thing I took away from this journey was the social interaction with the cast and crew. All 12 of us stayed in a student flat, meaning that we were bound to become close. Every person came from a uniquely different background and age bracket, stemming from early 20s to perhaps 50s. It was fascinating listening to their stories as they talked about their previous experiences, passions, shows they've seen etc. We had such a good laugh together and it almost feels like a little family unit. I also bonded extremely close with the other hired musician, who is a cello player. Him and I have so much in common. Although my self-actualisation work was put on hold for this trip, we had some incredibly deep discussions that led to some great "a-ha" moments. It was also incredibly reassuring to hear him say that he believes in what my plans are for the foreseeable future. He's the only other person, apart from my parents, that has expressed his belief in me. That meant so much to me because I was also going through a worrying period of "am I doing the right thing?" So overall, it was a trip of a lifetime. We were bloody knackered by the end of it though! Although I'm still recovering the day after, I've planned out a work schedule to stick to for the future that includes meditation, gym, projects, food, and everything else. I'm aware that this is going to be the biggest challenge of my life. But I'm going all in. There's no turning back. I wish for the momentum to keep me going on this journey. The Fringe Festival has provided me with inspiration to create something spectacular. So I'm going to start work tomorrow to make sure that it gets done. Pick of the day:

Guess who's back... Back again...

Entry 200 | Reflection Hang on, what? Two hundred times I've sat and typed into this journal? That is pretty crazy! Okay first of all, massive thanks to everyone who has taken the time to contact me since beginning this journal. It's been real nice to hear from you along this journey. It's especially nice to know that self-actualisation doesn't need to be done alone. And secondly, I'm probably going to do what I did on my last 100th journal entry and take some time off to reflect on the journey I've taken so far. With each new journal entry, I've never looked back at the previous ones to see where I'd come from. So now is the time to do that. But because I'm going on tour to Edinburgh in the next month, it's highly unlikely that I will have the WiFi to keep this journal going whilst I'm away. I hear you: "living without WiFi, that sounds terrible! Although many of my friends would genuinely say that, I'm sure you guys would find such an experience to be amazing like me. But it will still be rather sad to leave behind this journal because I've put so much work into it. In return, it has provided me with such a wonderful sense of direction, purpose and narrative for my life's story. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep the habit up offline. But lets reflect on the last 100 entries. Believe me, it felt more natural to type "the last 100 years!" What's new? That big old recital is done and dusted now, feeling like a long-ago dream. University is also complete having graduated last week with a First. My permanent home is now at my parents house, no longer in Sheffield. I've turned down Universal Credit and the possibility of getting "any old job" to focus all my efforts on music, self-actualisation and a self-employed future. I'm suddenly in possession of an awesome MacBook Pro, a busking amp, high-quality camera w/ tripod, and matching bits and bobs. My diet is starting to transform into something pretty darn healthy. A lot has changed! And quite frankly, the past feels like such a distant concept that a year ago feels like an eternity ago. Time is going by very slowly and thoroughly. I've had a few ups and downs but always seem to get myself back on track, which is a habit I feel grateful for developing. Self-actualisation work seems to have reached the point of embodiment now. The content that I digest feels like its permeating a little deeper than thought. An explanation for that might be that what I'm hearing is just a rehash (so to speak) of advice that I've heard before, thus giving the underlying argument even more weight. My meditation habit is on point and has remained strong throughout my time writing this journal. Of all the days I've marked, only a very small handful of them were days that I didn't meditate for the full hour. Some days literally were too busy to find the time, which was my bad. But that was a while ago now. Visualisation is the next habit I want to re-install permanently in my routine. It worked for me as a teenager so well that it made me the kick-ass guitarist I always wanted to be. Now, I want to make an even more conscious effort to visualise and go double down. As far as the music is going, I'm liking the direction that everything is going at the minute. I've been making preparations "behind the scenes" to start up my YouTube channel which will hopefully be ready to start soon after the tour. Today, I uploaded a teaser of a new composition of mine (see below) as a test run for performance videos in the future. A nice thing happened shortly afterwards. Around two years ago, I performed an opening slot for a pretty good Sheffield band. The lead singer ended up sharing my video on his feed with a touching paragraph about how my music "blew his mind" and that he hopes "the right person gets to see him doing his thing and it changes his life forever." It's innocent moments like that which I really love. I'm under no illusions that my music is better than anyone else's; such a statement would be so untrue. What I found heartwarming was just the nature of his response, even though we last spoke around 2 years ago. It's knowing that a simple little performance video of my music (which I'm so familiar with by now) has created a response in him similar to amazement, excitement, inspiration. The creative muse within me feeds off the satisfaction of knowing that the music is being enjoyed by those "out there." The time invested in making the music has begun to pay its first rewards. So it's time to call it a wrap for a while. I'm gonna miss this journal for the next month! But I sure as hell will have plenty to talk about when I get back. The Edinburgh Fringe Festival is a wonderful celebration of art and entertainment. Now I'm actually going to be taking part in it. Specifically, I'm going to be busking my music out on the crowded streets for the first time in my life. It's either going to be a disaster, a bit "meh," or it's going to be a success! Can you tell which I'm going to be aiming for? Enjoy the extra space on the self-actualisation journal page and keep doing what you do! X Pick of the day:

Entry 199 | More On Visualisation Theory: When you imagine yourself having truly accomplished something for the first time, it feels so much easier to "re-accomplish" it in real life. Applying it: Remember not to use negative motivation to achieve your goals. Visualisation seems to be the ultimate way to go. Picture yourself having already attained the desired outcome, receive an answer for how you "did it," and then simply do it! This is really important for me. For a good while now, I've known about the power of visualisation. But I've been slow to implement it as a daily routine in my life. In fact, it could be said that I've fallen out of the routine because I was doing it unknowingly in my teenage years to become a kick-ass guitar player. Those dreams are very much a reality now! (No fucks given ) Visualisation seems to be the ultimate key to success. Think And Grow Rich hinted at it in various ways and Psycho-Cybernetics seems to provide lots of explanations why this is the case. Today, I managed to complete a simple task that I've been visualising about for a few days now. Using Pure Data (music programming software), I've managed to create a patch that can count bars and beats for a piece of music. Sounds pretty straight-forward, right? And it was. It didn't take long to actually do it. But there's a reason for that: visualisation. I had already envisioned how I would create this patch ahead of time. And while the details of the real thing ended up slightly different than expected, the end result was exactly what I wanted. But so what? It's just a counter that tells you how many bars and beats there are in a piece of music. Lots of other apps and software have it installed already. Why is yours so special? Because the idea came as part of something even bigger: an even bigger visualisation! Not only is it special because I managed to create it myself with mathematical and technical skill, this small innocent accomplishment has placed a foot in the door to a whole new branch of music: one that consists of automated technology! The reason why this achievement feels so big for me is because of the bigger picture and the bigger achievement. If this entry serves as anything, I hope that it serves to remind me further of the importance of visualisation in the pursuit of all goals. Effortless results come at the cost of forging a crystallised vision for the future. All I need to do is to remain wise enough to invest in this one simple technique because it will get me where I need to go. Pick of the day:

Entry 198 | Making Too Much of an Effort Theory: Trying to hard to self-actualize or complete any other goal is in fact going to have the opposite effect that you're after. Applying it: If you want to change your habits as effortlessly as possible, use visualisation to focus on the end result. This way, the process of reaching that goal will seem easier and more fruitful. So perhaps this is why I've been hit and miss the last few days. My rigorous methods were starting to get the better of me and become controlling instead of liberating. I was starting to forget about how important it is to be patient and not to force change where it feels unnatural. It's a theory I've come across before and probably even talked about on this journal many entries ago. But the truth is that my memory isn't going to be that great. Sometimes, old lessons need to be reminded of. And this is one of them. It was listening to a chapter of the (audio) book Psycho-Cybernetics that reminded me of the dangers of effort. It highlights that the most guaranteed way to make change is through visualisation and relaxation. The visualisation can be used to imagine the end result of the goal you wish to accomplish while the relaxation encourages you to become more susceptive to these new ideas and concepts whilst simultaneously purging the old limiting ones. It seems a pretty strange way to go about things, in my opinion. However, I'm not going to question it until I have at least tried to implement a regular visualisation/relaxation habit into my daily life. Only by direct experience can the truth of this method be uncovered. And that is another thing I must remind myself of. But if this theory proves to be true (and the book provides a strong argument in its favour to begin with), then it could unlock a way of living that would be seemingly free of effort and struggle. My life doesn't necessarily feel like a struggle but at the same time, it doesn't seem to be coasting either. All the same, it's a habit that I feel compelled to install sooner rather than later. It's fun and exciting! Why wouldn't I allow myself more time to imagine and relax? Pick of the day:

Entry 197 | Toward A Psychology Of Being - Abraham Maslow Boy, is this book review LONG overdue. I'll sum up my excuses quickly and then continue. As this book was loaned from the university library, it meant that any notes and quotes that I took had to be written down. And this book was so full of information that it took forever to write these out. Things could have been easier if I'd have just owned the book to begin with. I wouldn't have become so complacent in regards to reading and finishing it. On with the book. Of the material that I've read so far, this book was pretty heavy-going. This was possibly due to the note-taking methods described above, but the academic tone throughout the book certainly helps things. Despite that though, I've managed to pull hundreds of insightful information regarding self-actualisation. After finally having read the book in its entirety, I can see why others would consider it to be the birthplace of the term "self-actualisation" as we know it today. It goes into so much depth about the characteristics of self-actualising people, peak-experiences, growth, deficiency-needs, self-transcendence, ego-death and other related topics. It also makes several key distinctions, such as Becoming and Being, Deficiency and Being, Doing and Being. The way in which this topic is presented is holistic and realistic. As someone who aims to self-actualise where possible, the book provides the ultimate definition for the term "self-actualisation" so there can be no misunderstandings and therefore easier to notice and avoid traps and pitfalls along the way. The book is very overwhelming in its presentation style to someone who isn't familiar or comfortable with reading academic resources (myself included). This has left me somewhat confused because I know that I've learned a lot from this book, but it doesn't feel like its permeated yet. It's hard to describe. But with the amount of quotes and notes I've pulled out of this book, I'll be able to look at them and familiarise myself once again with the juicy information and theory it provides. So as far as recommending goes, I wouldn't recommend this book to any old friend who just fancied learning about the topic. This is a serious read. A certain degree of determination to self-actualise needs to be possible for somebody to really make the most of this book. For that reason, I would highly recommend this book to anyone with that similar drive to self-actualise. It's certainly not the most fun book to read by no means. But with a determined, eager mindset, this book will provide you with an abundance of great knowledge that will no doubt serve you meaningfully. ... As for the next book on my review list, I'm in the middle of two books: The Immune System Recovery Plan and Psycho-Cybernetics. This review may come out in a month or so because I'm away on tour in August. Which means no journal entries for 2-3 weeks Pick of the day:

Entry 196 | Shame Theory: No matter how badly you feel like you've fucked up, the worst thing to do is to beat yourself up and feel shameful. Applying it: Remember that every day is a brand new beginning and (perhaps) your last day to make a difference. Use it wisely. Well oh well! Hello again journal! It's been a while. Basically, I did fuck all yesterday. Nothing happened throughout the majority of the day that was fulfilling my true potential. It was a proper binge day. And while I could sit and wonder "why did that happen?" and condemn myself for it, something happened right before I went to bed that made it all worth it. I happen to know exactly how to pick myself up after having such an unfulfilling day. And it all comes down to the present moment (as it often does). Instead of crying about what work I could have done in order to self-actualise and fulfil my goals, I brought my attention to the miracle of the present moment. At the time, I was feeling like a failure. But I managed to turn that into a feeling of success when I discovered that despite everything that happened in the past, here I was in the present moment, alive and well. That fact alone is worthy of celebration and is evidence in favour of being a success and not a failure. Think of the many people that have died younger than yourself and you can't help but feel grateful for having made it this far. Also, I was reminded of the death of a young guy in the neighbourhood (who wasn't much older than I am now) who was fit and healthy. Yet he went to sleep one night and never woke up. It was a sudden but natural death. And that kind of death could be possible for all of us. This reminded me that if I happened to wake up the next morning (i.e., this morning), then I would make the most of my time. And sure enough, I have managed just that. So the next time I feel shameful or guilty for whatever reason, I must remind myself of these very facts and possibilities. The last thing that I want right now is to start drowning in sorrows and falling into the downward spiral of negativity. Pick of the day:

Entry 195 | Embarking On A New Journey Today was graduation day. And what a wonderful day it turned out! To see all the friends I had made for the last time, and to be part of the group giving the loudest cheers (i.e. all of the music students) perfectly summed up my time at university as an undergrad: the best! Some say that teenage years are the best ones of your life. But the last three years have proven to be the best by a long shot. But whilst I could talk about the transformative effects of university, I want to talk about something very important. And that is looking towards the long-term future. One habit I've been trying to develop daily is visualisation. Specifically, I'm starting to have meetings with my future self. It turns out that he may have just laid out a path for me to create a brand new kind of music that has never been explored before. At least, I've yet to discover a guitarist to do this kind of thing. It's been niggling me for a long time now that no matter how skilled I can become on the guitar, there are still so many compositional ideas in my mind that never have the ability to become a reality. I've talked before about how music simply appears in my mind just like thoughts and imagination, but it's a futuristic, abstract kind of music that could never be achievable with the guitar alone. But thankfully, my future self has seemingly provided me with a way of taking this music and transforming it into reality. I'm not going to go into details about it just because the idea is very sacred to me at this time. The reason for that is not only so others won't be able to steal my idea (which could happen) but it's because it highlights a path that is so authentically "me." It combines everything I love and everything that I want to be: my love for music, mathematics, technology, modernity, beauty, performance, problem-solving, and amazement. My future self also seems to suggest that this is what my purpose is going to be for the rest of my life until I become him. I've got a feeling that this is going to have a massive impact on the guitar-playing community and perhaps even bigger. There are going to be plenty of obstacles along the way. For one, this is going to take a long time! A single piece of music might take a whole year to perfect and complete. Then there's also the psychological fears and limiting beliefs that will come along the way such as "what if this idea doesn't take off?" or "what makes this so special anyway?" But if I can break through these barriers and actually produce what I have envisioned, not only will it leave me feeling fulfilled in its completion but I'm super confident that it will have the grounds to inspire lots of people. The most exciting thing about this new journey is that at long last, I might be able to finally create music for others to enjoy that more accurately represents the music that I hear internally. To create music that comes from a more divine and truthful place is going to be the surest way of fulfilling the creative Muse inside me. Because honestly, its music is far more beautiful than anything I could ever write. And it's going to be my mission (and duty) in life to let you guys hear it too! Pick of the day:

Entry 194 | Acting Without Thinking Theory: When you have a desire to do something and you do it without thinking of the consequences, perhaps you actually enjoy the process of doing it a whole lot more. Applying it: Once you can tell the difference between egoic and intrinsic desires, have a go at chasing the latter without worrying about the negative consequences that could occur along the way. So yesterday, I met up with uni mates to go to this trampoline park. It brought back so many fond memories as a kid and it didn't take long before I rekindled my love for doing crazy flips and stunts! Since we walked in, I found myself receiving impulses to learn how to do a backflip, jump up to the highest ledges possible, and to free-fall backwards about 20ft onto their giant airbag. I happened to know that if I didn't do these things in the venue, then I would not leave the place quite as fulfilled. So away I went and did them. It was so worth it! During most of that hour, I didn't think about the negative consequences that could occur from doing these things. And as a result, it made the trip feel more adventurous and exciting. The times that I didn't enjoy it as much were when I received thoughts such as "what if I fall on my head and break my neck?" and "what if jumping off this massive ledge is really going to hurt?" But I reminded myself of my goals and I smashed through each and every one. Despite that I'm aching the day after, I can look back knowing that my time was well spent (as trivial as the activity was). So wouldn't it be wonderful to take on this attitude with my career goals, healthy eating goals, relationship goals and the like? It seems that the more I think about my goals without taking action, the more conscious I become of the negative consequences that could occur. And once that happens, I feel even less inclined to pursue those goals in the first place. As much of a positive thinker as I am, it can be damaging to always focus on what could go wrong. And if I continue to do this, I'll look back one day and regret that I could've spent my time better, giving less of a shit. Obviously, mindless action in itself is not a wise way of going about business. However, I must spend less time in thought and more time in action. Thought is very addicting. Let's learn how to become independent of thought and make a move towards an even more proactive life. Pick of the day:

Entry 193 | Permanently Installing Habits Theory: When you have reached the point where you no longer need to remind yourself to work on a habit, you know that it has been permanently installed into your psyche. Applying it: Set aside one day every 2-3 weeks where you don't tell yourself what to do. Whatever you find yourself instinctively doing will give you the information you need to know which habits are currently installed. It feels like I'm about to talk about our minds as computers! But the process does have some resemblance to the learning abilities of a computer. The last few days, I've took it easy with my daily lists because of things in my calendar. One of the days, I let myself have a completely lazy day (perhaps yesterday) whereby I would have the freedom to consume as much TV, video games, and other things as I wanted. It was a treat to myself for feeling sleep deprived on that day. What came as a big surprise was that I didn't want to engage in these activities half as much as I wanted to before. Instead, I wanted to meditate more, watch some more Lynda lectures, take in more self-actualisation theory, and the like. This all came so instinctively to me that I didn't feel it an effort or an obligation. I actually wanted to do these things despite allowing myself the opportunity to bum around all day. This has given me some hope that the work I've been doing up until this point is actually paying off. My bad habits are slowly converting into good habits. It no longer feels like a struggle or an effort. It simply gets done with no two ways about it. Whatever is happening subconsciously, it's turning out to be pretty good. My overall sense of presence since then has deepened and the feeling of effort is starting to dissolve away, just like it did with my guitar playing. What's fascinating is that despite laying out for myself a disciplined routine for myself on a daily basis, it has actually opened up a window of freedom in my life. I feel more in control, decisive, and self-assured that the path I choose is more in line with my personal growth. It no longer feels like I'm forcing myself to grow because I can see it already happening. It's now a feeling of letting myself grow. That marks the shift from having little freedom to suddenly having much more of it. So this is perhaps another habit that will become useful if I remember to apply it. Just allow yourself to have a day every 2-3 weeks to bum around and do whatever the fuck you want with no criticism. Then observe what you desire to do on those days. If you're working every other day on developing new habits, theoretically your desires will tend to start incorporating those habits naturally, thus allowing you to stop forcing the new habit into your daily life. I'm sure it won't be too difficult to remember to have an entire day to bum around though! Pick of the day:

Entry 192 | Miracle Of Life Theory: It's too easy to remember the fact that life is somewhat miraculous given the circumstances necessary to maintain it. Applying it: Consider reality beyond the Earth and count how many stars in the sky are unable to sustain life. Bit of a different topic today. Last night at the wedding gig, I was able to wander into a bit of a field to be with myself and the night sky. It was a clear night and there were hundreds of stars lighting the sky. Not only did it occur to me that it's been a long time since I've seen the sky so full of stars, it also hit me that every single one of those stars were millions of miles away and unable to sustain life as we know it. Although I'm no expert and don't know this to be factual, I'm pretty sure the scientists at the head of this field of study would have been able to figure out if the opposite was true by now. Supposing that it's true, it holds the whole planet as a miraculous coincidence. The trees, birds, animals, insects, and of course our very own existence seems to be so incredibly unlikely. And yet, look how easily our species has been able to flourish. Some might say too easily! We have such easy lives that the most we ever have to worry about is paying the bills, buying food that others have collected and harvested for us, finding the dream spouse, finding true happiness, being loved by others, etc. Considering that we came from a species whose biggest priority not too long ago in history was just to survive, we've got it made. But somehow, we always happen to be miserable! Isn't it silly? Human life has become more comfortable now than it ever has in its entire history. All the other animals on this earth are still very much fending for themselves like we once did. How ignorant must we be to forget the miracle of our comfortable existence inside such a harsh reality? Fortunately, there is always one place we can look to remind ourselves of this miracle: the sky itself. Pick of the day:

Entry 191 | Food Meditation Theory: Too often, we take for granted the very substance in life that keeps us alive. Food meditation can be a great way of becoming more conscious of the foods we eat and how much we enjoy them. Applying it: Once you've prepared a meal, eat it as slowly and mindfully as you can. Shut your eyes and concentrate on how the food tastes and feels, noticing any positive/negative thoughts that occur as you eat it. Since moving back home, one activity that I've rekindled my love for is cooking good and tasty food. I've been working with Susan Blum's book The Immune System Recovery Plan to create healthy recipes that nourish the body. I'm currently trying out the treatment plan described in the first section of the book, even though I don't suffer with autoimmune disease or any other medical conditions. One of the techniques that she talks about is food meditation. This had never really occurred to me before as a proper exercise. Obviously, it's important to be as mindful about food as possible and savour every morsel of it. But to take that philosophy on as a meditation practise slipped my mind. Today, I tried it out with simple scrambled egg and a fruit smoothie. Although it wasn't exactly by the book, I just shut my eyes and did the technique described above. Whilst there was nothing remarkable about the food, it provided me with deep peace as I finished the meal. Especially by closing my eyes, I was able to feel the sensitivity of my own bodily senses as the food entered my mouth and passed into my stomach. Since it was a healthy meal too, it felt rewarding on a psychological level knowing that this food would provide great nutrition for my body. Good food is such an important aspect of self-actualisation. It's very self-assuring to know that you can prepare healthy and tasty meals for yourself without having to rely on ready meals, takeaways, and pub grub to keep you going. Food meditation just takes the satisfaction of a healthy diet and boosts it to the next level of enjoyment. But also, it could be a great way of listening to your body's reactions to bad foods or excessive amounts of foods. In that sense, it could also serve as the first port of call to cleaning up an unhealthy diet. By the way, all of the recipes I've tried from this book so far have been amazing! Pick of the day:

Entry 190 | Reflection Today felt kinda peculiar. Despite the amount of work that I've been doing in pursuit of accomplishing my goals, I found myself not feeling too great. And I think I have the answer to why that is: I'm consuming, not creating. Not all of this has been bad. For the last few weeks, I've been watching lectures on Final Cut Pro, Logic Pro X and Motion on the MacBook Pro. Although they are very long and kinda tedious, they have presented me with plenty of knowledge about the software which will be vital when I actually start creating content. The majority of my tasks recently have involved lots of consuming with these lectures. And it's necessary because my access to these resources is going to be cut off very soon as my university account gets deleted. So I'll just have to knuckle down and deal with the discomfort. Despite the slightly negative vibes though, I welcome them as just another part of the journey to accomplishing my goals. My emotions have sometimes been getting the better of me but it's nothing that a bit of presence can't handle. Like I said, there's a part of me that just wants to create content all of the time. Whether that be through performance videos, educational and instructional videos, blog posts, etc. I'm giving myself the next year to try and build something special with all that I've got. And here's the thing: I'm deeply terrified about what the future brings. But it's in such a sadistic way that I can't help but feel excited. My whole life, I've been dreaming of reaching this position. Now it's become a reality, I'll have to get used this new way of life. With no boss watching over my shoulder, surely there should be no pressure right? Well, it's not how I feel at the moment. Death is one large step closer and I'm currently not earning a living. Now more than ever, I feel it necessary to use my passions to create something both meaningful and rewarding to myself and others. Also, I think I've become a bit of a sucker to the anticipation of it all. From my anxiety days, I remember clearly that the anticipation is far worse than the thing itself. Perhaps that's another thing I need to remind myself of. For a good few days, I've been wrestling with the limiting beliefs regarding making YouTube videos. "What makes you so special? What have you got to offer that isn't what someone else has to offer? What if it never kicks off? What if it just flops?" Thank goodness for this journal to make me realise that these thoughts really aren't that cooperative. But as soon as I whipped out the camera today and shot a spontaneous tester video, I just got on with it without giving a shit. It helped that I knew it was never going to be posted online but the act of doing the activity really put the wind in my sails. It felt quite fun actually! What's more, I know how to set up the camera and stuff to make a decent video within the shit facilitation of my own bedroom. It's clear that something in me just wants to create, create, create. But it comes from a different kind of pressure that seems to transcend social acceptance, financial situations, and mundane life itself. It comes from the ideas of my imagination. There are so many sounds, pieces of music, videos and lessons that want to pop into existence. It's an uncontrollable urge inside of me that seems to have intensified with age. Honestly, it comes from a desire to have fun! My head is exploding with the urge to just make music. But those limiting beliefs are holding me back. They are the source of my turmoil. They will facilitate my failure. Just remember to keep acting on the side of success, and create something awesome! Pick of the day:

Entry 189 | Talking To Yourself Theory: By talking to yourself as if you were somebody else, you can become even more conscious of the wisdom that you possess whilst also develop more love towards yourself and your own company. Applying it: Instead of housing your thoughts in your mind, allow yourself the space and freedom to speak your thoughts to yourself and hold conversations and monologues with yourself. This could just be one of my quirks to be honest! But I love talking to myself. It's a habit that I've had since I was a teenager just getting to grips with my life purpose. Some of the results that I've gained from talking to myself have been phenomenal. I've had paradigm shifts occur, unlocked wisdom within myself that I never knew was there, ended up in fits of laughter, motivated myself, and even embodied my future self as if it were who I was right now in the present moment. If I went into detail about some of the weird things I end up doing in my own company, many people would probably try to pass me off as a psycho. During early 2016, I tried to do serious self-actualisation work before starting the journal months later. And one of the things I looked forward to the most was "self-enquiry." In this space, I'd just hide away in my room for 1hr and talk to myself. The results that came from it always left me inspired and motivated. A night or two ago, I talked to myself late at night during a final meditation session before bed. And as I was talking, a realisation blew my mind: I became conscious of the illusion of ownership of words. Language is a man-made imaginary construct and, as a result, it is not a physical part of reality. Even the funny shapes you see now called "words" aren't associated with any language on a physical level. Instead, we are born and raised to interpret them to create the words. It's not that they are words themselves. We use them to represent words, which represent sentences which represent meaning and communication. That kind of direct experience could not have been induced in any other way for me. It had to be realised through the very nature of talking. And who else is there to talk to when you're talking to yourself? In fact, there's probably no other being on this planet that you can have a deeper interaction with. That's how I experience it anyway. Pick of the day: