Simon Håkansson

Hello everyone I have an issue with my relationship to my closest friend. We had a very good relationship in high school, but it feels like we are starting to drift apart more and more and I am not sure what to do about it. Immediately after high school we both started taking different classes at the university and he really threw himself head first into the university life, being extremely active, partying and studying a lot, we didn't hang out much during the first year at university, since he was busy all the time, but slowly he started to realize that he didn't like the hectic student life or the shallow relationships that he was building (a lot of his new friends turned out to not care that much about him, or at least that's his version of it). We started to hang out more and we always had very deep and personal conversations, it seemed that we could talk about anything and be very honest with each other. Then came the pandemic, and we didn't meet a lot during that period (for obvious reasons). We hung out mostly on video and phone calls (which I generally do not like to do). After the restrictions lifted I could see three mayor changes in my friends behavior. First he had developed a mental illness and having problems with anxiety. Every time we planed to do something, like taking a walk, go out to eat lunch etc. he almost always cancelled out, and it wasn't rare that he did it last minute (an hour before we were supposed to meet), he always said that he was tired, that he had way to much studying to do, or that he had some side effect from the medicine he was taking. This was just something that I accepted by not counting on him when I booked something in my calender, I myself have suffered from mental illness in the past, so I don't want to be harsch on him. Second thing that changed: Our conversations started to feel really boring, it felt like everything we talked about were our studies, what we were going to study in the upcoming semsters, what tasks we had to do etc. Other times it felt like the conversations were deep in a forced way. I generally love deep talk, but sometimes I felt like I wanted to talk shit, just talking about random stuff without it needing to be insightful. Lastly: He got a new girlfriend at the end of 2020 and he has been isolated with her ever since. Almost Every time I ask my friends out for a gaming night. he can't because he wanted to spend time with his girlfriend, whom I've never met, despited me having stated clearly that she also could be invited to our board game night. (apperently he hasn't met her family either, despite said family living about 20 km away). The situation that really got me to lose my patience though was when my dad told me he had cancer, (exactly how bad it is we do not yet know). The same evening I wrote to my friend asking if he would like to met me this weekend, because I could really need it. He replied "Can we talk on zoom/phone on sunday, I can't because I'm with my girlfriend." I said that I didn't like talking on the phone, that I thought he was isolating himself too much with his girlfriend and it could be good if he set time aside to do other things too, I also said that I was in a situation were I could really feel better if I had someone to talk to. He replied that he decides for himself how to use his time, that he loves his girlfriend above all else and so the natural choise is to spend as much time with her as possible during the weekend when both are free. He goes on to say that he really doesn't want me to feel deprioritized, that he knows I hate to speak on phone/video but that it is the best that he can offer. Right now he is completely completely busy with himself and his psyche. (these last two sentences really made me start to question our friendship) Sorry for long thread, I wanted to be as detailed and nuanced as I could. My question is: Is this relationship salvageable? I don't really know what to do.

I recently completely messed up a relationship prospect I had with a girl that liked me, I came across as needy and desperate. (this is a girl I had met earlier and who had shown a very clear interest in me) We were at a dance party and I was thinking about a way to get to dance with her, which was quite difficult since she was dancing with her friend most of the time. When I saw her alone on the dance floor, I approached her and asked for a dance, she said that she was going to grab a drink but that she would dance later. What I didn´t understand then was that I was just supposed to wait out the situation, go dance for myself or with others and wait for her to approach me. But instead, I ended up in a situation where I chased her to get her to dance with me. I was justifying my behavior by thinking "She wants to dance with me, I want to dance with her, what´s the problem?" and "Confident people know what they want and get it". And when she started to avoid me, I just thought that she played hard to get and if I continued to push through it, it would turn out well. It didn´t and it took me quite a while to realize that I had completely messed up. The irony about the whole situation was that I didn´t feel needy or deeply attracted to this girl, but it came across that way. I just wanted to dance, chat and get to know her better (and since I didn´t consider any of these things to pushy, I didn´t see the problem). One of the things that I did was fantasizing and "planning" this party in my head 1-2 weeks before, what would happen, how I would react in different situations etc. But of course, it didn´t turn out in any way that I had thought it would. The questions I have are the following: How can I prevent a similar situation from happening again? Should I even consider re-approaching this girl again (in the future obviously) and if so how would I do it? What would be a more healthy mindset to have in these types of situations?

I have encountered a lot of confusion over the years regarding sociology, it feels like certain aspects of self-actualization stands in direct conflict with sociological theory and some psychological theories. For example, let's take the confirmation bias. Psychological theory explains how this mechanism works perfectly well, but what is it that makes people get away from the bias? Another example: The need to conform to a group, I have heard sociological teachers saying that "we want" to conform to a group and that "we don´t want" to be felt like we are outsiders. We "are" constantly trying to fit in. Is it possible to transcend that need completely? What do sociologists really mean when they say that "we want" to fit in? That our psyche is doomed to work that way? Would sociological theory collapse if it was possible to transcend all the need for approval, status, conformity, certainty (in our beliefs) and everything that is related to our social identity? Is the entire field of sociology based on humans being neurotic? I sometimes get a strange feeling when I´m studying subjects like biology, sociology and certain parts of psychology. I feel scared when people say that I "am" a certain way. If there are aspects of our human nature that cannot be transcended, what is self-actualization all about? The fear of not being able to change and being "doomed" to be a certain way has been in my awareness for quite a while now. How do I best cope with that fear? (This fear obviously affects how I look at things like determinism, sociology and biology)

I learned a tip from David Deida that I think is quite useful. Assume that your woman will never change and always be the same, weigh the pros and cons of the relationship, if you can´t accept her for who she is RIGHT NOW, you should simply leave the relationship and never look back. If you do decide to stay in the relationship and love her for who she is, you might notice that she will more often make changes than if you try to force your will on her. She has to go to a therapist because she wants to, not because you want to.

Hello everyone, I´m an autistic, heterosexual guy at the age of 21 who have never been in a relationship. I have been struggling a lot throughout the years to get into one however and have probably been rejected more times than I can count on my two hands. (at least if feels that way) I have watched a lot of dating advice videos and read various articles online, from various sources about the social game and how to “pick-up” women (I´m not into pick-up at all, just looking for a long term relationship) but it just feels completely overwhelming to me. There are so many rules, so many dos and don´ts that it just feels like a giant minefield that stretches almost indefinitely with traps everywhere. And when I walk into a trap, it is sometimes impossible for me to get where I did wrong and how to correct it. I struggle a lot with small talk, it is something that I have intentionally trained up during the last few years (I even picked up a minor interest in football just so that I could have something to talk about). But I loathe doing it, it just feels completely pointless and tiresome to come up with things to talk about. I also loathe the social game and people being indirect with me, which makes it difficult in dating, since girls are often quite subtle in their expressions. (one time I got rejected when I was certain that there was a spark, which was quite painful). Lastly, I have yet to solve the paradox with intention vs giving up. On one hand I have heard dating coaches saying that you must “create a spark” or create sexual tension, if you don´t do that at all you will be put in the friend zone. On the other hand, I have often scared girls away when I have made it my conscious intention to get into a relationship. I have also heard from my dad that I would become more attractive if I slowed down my pace and give up on my “projects”. I just don´t understand how I could give up, since I would like to be in a relationship (it´s not a must for me though). Does anyone have some tips on how I could change my mindset and improve my success in the dating game? (I´m dead set on fixing all of my problems) Regards/Simon

I have meditated for four years now, since three years back I have meditated one hour every day. I have also been on two retreats were I meditated about eight hours every day for about ten days. Even so, it feels like I don´t get much progress during my actual meditations. I fall asleep about 90% of the time, no matter how energized I feel before or at which time of the day I try meditating. At most I can concentrate for up to two minutes before my mind gets completely lost in fantasy land (either analysing the latest tv-show episode, thinking about strategy in a computer game or thinking about what I should study during the upcoming years, it´s very repetitive). The mind always feels extremely foggy when I meditate, a change of location or the use of guided meditation usually makes things alot better for 1-2 days, but afterwards my mind just goes back to it´s usual state. I have been doing the "do-nothing technique" since I started, I have tried to change techniques sometimes, but since my mind is so extremely busy, mindfullness meditation just didn´t work, nor did two months of concentration exercises (10 minutes every day before meditation). My life however, has improved alot during the reccent years, I feel much more emotionally stable, have improved my introspection alot and generally feel calmer and more rational in my everyday life. I have no idea what to expect from my meditation, is there any way to calm down the monkey mind?

I´m not sure if this thread belongs to this forum at all, since no category really seemed to fit, but I write it anyways. I find it very difficult to take notes while reading self-help books, I have tried both using blocks and taking notes on the computer through onenote. Most of the time I prefer reading on the bed, but it feels very clumsy to have both a book in my hand and an open computer at the same time, every time I want to write something down, I have to close down the book, write some notations and continue reading, which leads me to spending more time taking notes than actually reading and thinking about what I´m reading. This has led me to not taking notes at all for the latest books that I have read, but I have also discovered that I forget alot of the things that books talked about. How do I make note-taking more comfortable? I´m also quite confused about what I should take notes on, how do you develop a sense of what is relevant or not? Another question regards notes I have taken, which I often forget about. How often should you read through your notes and how do you remind yourself to do it?

I had a good friend a couple years ago who I spent quite alot of time with. During our last year in elementary school, I took an action that deeply hurt him at the time, but I am completely unaware of how he feels about it now. I was asking him why his phone number wasn´t written in our school catalogue and he confessed a big secret to me, that he had relatives who were look for him and wanted to bring him and his brother back to Afghanistan were he was born. (because they were entitled to it according to tradition after his father had died). I used that situation later to blackmail him openly to make him do things that I wanted (I don´t even remember what they were). Threatening to publish his adress and phone number online. We hung out for one year afterward, since we shared the same interest in going to the gym. When he stopped going to the gym our friendship ended. From my perspective, our relationship didn´t get worse because of it and we and our friendship didn´t end in a quarrel, it just passed away. My behaviour could partly be explained through the depression and anger I was constantly carrying inside myself at the time. I was always angry and hated alot of people around me, I don´t see this as an excuse for my behaviour in any way, it was indefensible and mean. I haven´t met this friend in four years now, I had almost completely forgotten these events until very recently when I started contemplating over my past. It has not really affected me that much emotionally, I just put it on the shelf and forgot about it. Would you recommend me to call him and apologize? A part of me really wants to do it, but another part says that I should just forget about it, to much time has passed.

I would like some tips for you guys out here on how to transcend stage orange into green. Are there some specific books that I should prioritize and if so, what books are worthwhile reading? I have started to realize that I have been quite judgemental of a few things with stage green, mainly feminism (because of personal issues, various kinds of ill treatments by extremists etc. Also alot of confirmation bias where I have looked at the most extreme cases), I also still have quite a few judgements against stage orange like consumerism, that is holding me back. How do I get over these kinds of judgement? Do you have some tips on how to develop into green without being angry and judgemental at stage orange at the same time? Regards/Simon

I have been meditating for about an hour a day for two years now (in the last year I have been meditating for one year and the first year it built up to it from 20 minutes a day) and I am starting to think that I have built an identity around my personal development. According to Leo, you are addicted to something if you can´t stop doing something for a whole week, if I think about not meditating for a whole week I get pretty anxious about it. But when I think about quitting I also realize that it really opens up the door for self-deception and self-sabotage. It feels quite paradoxical to be addicted or identify with something that is supposed to make you less addictive and diminishing your sense of self. I realize that it aint smart at all to stop meditating, but is there something that can be done to get rid of this quite strange addiction/identity? Or is it really an addiction? Maybe it is just the higher self preventing me from stopping to meditate, I have absolutely no idea.

I have been meditating for two years now and periodically I have done small amount of self-inquiry, but I haven´t been really serious about it. This is because I make up a rationalization that I don´t really know how to get around, and I can´t just ignore it. First I don´t really get why we aren´t born enlightened, why are we created with an ego if there is much higher functional way to be created? The answer to this question seems to be that having an identity is very easy. You don´t have to stick out, you follow social norms, do what everybody else is doing and you don´t have to take risks. The ego seems to be created around comfort and security (the reason we have beliefs aswell, we don´t want to be unsure). But haven´t this security been a very good thing for our survival? I have always waited some time with the idea that "as soon as I get more conscious from meditating, I will understand and get motivation for enlightenment."(my meditation has given really big growth as I meditate for one hour every day). But it somehow feels quite ignorant to do that.

Bump

Hello everyone! I have found a real obstacle for my growth. That is that I don´t have a real sense of humility. In school I have been told by my teachers and friends that I´m a very intelligent person. This is something that my family also have told me and I do believe that it´s true due to my grades (I have aced every topic). I also have a very high ambition level and vision for my life that constantly drives me forward, especially in my thirst for knowledge and understanding. It´s not that I don´t see my potential in life, but that I can´t and don´t want to see my shortcomings, especially when I have done personal development for a while I start to perceive myself as "above people" (I have meditated for two years now and the last year I have meditated for one hour a day). I don´t want to have this arrogance towards other people and yet I do not have a clue how I should do to put myself down to earth. If I told myself that I don´t think that I´m smarter than the people around me, or that I´m not getting stuff done, I would be lying to myself. If anyone got any tips for me, that would be nice.

I have quite a big problem in my life in that I really can´t lose games. This is quite a significant problem since I am a chess club player and I usually play against people who are quite a bit stronger than me (I lose alot). I remembered when I was playing a game of risk with some of my relatives and family, the game went on for quite a while and we continued playing the next day. After a couple of days, I made quite a serious blunder and my dad won the game. It felt like someone had took a part of my soul, carved it out and teared it to pieces. This is the same feeling I get when I lose games on chess.com, I make a tactical misstake, my opponent sees it and takes advantage of it and I feel like my opponent has insulted me, I litteraly feel offended by it. The thing I have learnt however is that it is never a good idea to take an action from the lower self, which have made me less reactive and actiontaking from my anger, but the problem needs a deeper fix than that. How can I get over this?

I did some spiritual work a couple of months ago, (in december/January) when we had a christmas break in collage. I was doing that for a couple of weeks, about 20-30 minutes a day, but when I did it, I always become completely exhausted from it, I got in a bad mood and didn´t want to do something during the day, I was on vaccation with my family so I was slightly anxious about it to, I was just staying at the hotel all day. I obviously realize that the ego doesn´t want me to do this kind of work, the problem I had however was that when I came back, I was tired, just when the school had started, which is quite a problem. I don´t know how I can pursue this if it ruins other parts of my life, like exersicing and things like that, the other problem is that if I break one day, the ego will probably see the chance of breaking my habit of doing spiritual work. I am currently doing the inner seeking (the one Leo talked about in his how to get enlightened video). What should I do about this, meditation really seems good to me, haven´t been giving my any nasty side effect or anything, but should I really stop doing enlightenment work altogether.