Mango1998

By the way the nature and landscape in Alaska and Canada are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo beautiful Same is with the culture and food in Mexico South America seems to be very nice

Special Days Yesterday we could go and vote. That was somehow something special for me I felt special because I could vote But the more nice thing came in the evening. I went with a good friend spontaneously to the cinema and we watched a documentary called "Expedition Happiness". There was a couple from Berlin who decided to travel from America to Alaska to fulfill a childhood dream. For that, they bought an old school bus and made a moving apartment So they traveled to Alaska and then they decided to travel to Argentina. That was so amazing and I learned something from them: Don´t travel too much at once. I hope to do someday the same thing with someone After the movie, I decided spontaneously to sleep at her home and thankfully my mom was ok with that (because he mother is a friend of my mother :D). We had a lot of deep talk during the night. We talked about education systems, how false our parents raised us, about the relationship of our parents, sexuality.... That´s why we slept hardly five hours Today was another nice day I was today in Dusseldorf on an information evening and got to know a lot of stuff about my holiday job. I´m kind of excited. I will be traveling through Germany and advertise for good organizations like WWF and some other. And I will earn enough money to travel more that´s really cool

Thank you Mama

Habit 1, Day 2 Finally, my laptop is updated and I write here Today I did other stuff than just school. I continued reading the book "Radical Honesty", went to an information evening about my holiday job, helped my grand-grand-father with buying pants for him and applied for a student residential home in Munich.

Habit 1, Day 1 Today I got up at 10:12, had breakfast and then did about 20 minutes maths. That was pretty nice later in the noon, I did again math but that was so annoying because I can´t stand probability calculation. I will try that tomorrow again. The nicer part was the walk through the park, just enjoying the warm weather, watching ducks, collecting flowers and being happy It really helped me to calm down

Cold shower habit failed after about I don´t know exactly but I think a month. That´s just so frustrating That´s why I started a new journal about establishing habits. So hopefully this will work out for me But I´m trying new things. Two weeks ago I decided to wash my hair only with water, so no shampoo or other stuff will ever touch my hair. It was pretty ugly at the beginning but it´s getting better and my hair is recovering. It´s becoming more full and shiny and I like it Also, I´m trying to be more honest (because of a book named "Radical Honesty"), talk about my feelings with other people and man that´s hard. Today, for example, I told my father that I don´t really like him and feel uncomfortable in his company. He got really angry, shouted at me that I´m so thankless and he is dead for me and all that things parents tell when they are angry but don´t really mean it. I didn´t say anything after that, no explanation because he wouldn´t understand that. He has an old-fashioned way of thinking. We can´t actually pick our parents, so we don´t have to like them right? He would never understand that. Also, he thinks that he can compensate love with material stuff but what we actually need is his time, his love, his attention. He doesn´t understand that. He just thinks too much and does nothing. He promises too much, but can´t hold it. Now we won´t talk for a period and that´s ok with me. I favor that because I don´t have to listen to his dreams he will never achieve because they are just so material and he will never be brave and hard-working enough to achieve them. Tha sounds hard but it´s the truth. He dreams but he does nothing for that. And I don´t want to become the same, so I will become a hard-working and happy person

Cold showers and discipline and books I´m trying to get more discipline and so I watched some videos from the flowfinders and one video was about showering cold. So I tried that two times and it´s so fucking hard man. At the first time, I got a strong headache after 7 seconds and I had to ship to hot water and after that again to cold water. Then today it was a little better I could stand ten seconds under the cold water I need that discipline for school, later studying and then for work. And with discipline, I hope to organize my schedule and manage time, so I have extra time for self-development I wrote about a month ago that I'm changing my reading habit. And the last book I read, was "The Alchemist". It´s an amazing book and I just enjoyed it. @JKG you have to read it, so we can talk about it Now I will concentrate on some history books. Right now I'm reading " Martin Luther- tzhe human being Matin Luther". t sounded very good

Last Weeks It feels like weeks I've been on actualized.org and maybe it is like that I don´t know, I don´t have any feeling for time anymore and time does not actually matter to me Well, last weeks were full of learning and trying not to collapse and I survived them. We wrote first chemistry and one part was good and the other one not so I was at end of the exam totally confused and happy that it was over;D Then English came. I was not nervous at all and I learned only one day before the exam and it should be enough. English is a subject you don´t really know what to learn. You can only prepare yourself for the last task, where you should comment on a topic. And because we wrote about Shakespeare I learned some arguments for and against the relevance of him. And the exam was totally boring. And it was the first time I almost used the whole time. I really hope, this exam will be better than the others. And on Friday we wrote our last exam, I had mine in history. Both examples were good and I could have done both, so I took the more interesting one about the opposition against Hitler and it was the first time I had time to correct my mistakes I hope I did nothing wrong because normally I use the whole time to write and this time, well it was strange ;D Whatever. And then we had a party. First, I didn't know whether to go or not but then I went there and it was a good decision. Many people told me how happy they are because I came, I didn´t understand that really but I made me of course happy. And I had a lot of fun. Also I made some good experiences: You don´t have to drink, to enjoy and dance. You just need the right people I had all of them there. We had a great time. I talked with some about random stuff and with some about serious stuff. and the must fun part was to experience all the people drunk Some were really different, more serious and others were really emotional. And there were some brave. One friend of mine tried a cigarette and first I was shocked when she told me that because she is normally not like that but then I only laughed Experiences are good, in my opinion and as long as she didn´t get addicted, everything is good and save it will be fun to see her tomorrow and talk about that Another experiences: People are more themself and easier there. Everyone is hugging everyone and having a great time. Ok there was also one girl crying all the time, but she was the only one. I wish, I went there earlier

It´s ok to be not the best it´s ok to suffer. Without suffer there is no happiness maybe you have exaggerated a little with learning

Phobia Today we talked in the English course about phobias and I became aware of some So here we go: I´m afraid of death I don´t want to become old (maybe that belongs also to death) animals: mostly the insects and pets people: talking to too many people (that I know) and being with too many people in one room deep water: bad experience in the childhood time: being late or too early, planning things and can´t follow them because of different circumstances losing people because of death or less contact hurt anyone emotionally That´s all I noticed and it´s a long list to work on

@JKG Hey, that´s a very good idea. You know, right now I want to be structured, so I can handle the whole stuff it´s pretty hard to be like you (from my perspective) I´ll try that out

I know exactly what you mean

Amazing Experience I like being spontaneous, so I drove yesterday with my sister and her friend to a hill or a small mountain to watch dreams I wanted to do hat for a long time but however there was the moment missing to do that and yesterday was a perfect time (my intuition told me) and so we drove there. On the half way, we saw that the sky was very cloudy and there was not even one star but we still drove there. We parked the car on a side way and wanted to use the walking road through the forest but it was too dark, so we walked to the main "entrance" to use the stairs because there was light. When we got there, we saw some drunk guy, listening to music and having fun. We didn´t give them a though and started using the stairs because they were on the side road. But after some time we noticed that thy were tracking us, so we started running the stairs and they were fast. After about I don´t know many stairs we were exhausted and we used the side way and ran there. The view was just amazing and the adrenalin let it seem even better. It was just too beautiful to describe. We really enjoyed it although we were scared as hell. We didn´t hear any music at all or any voices, that was terrible. I suggested that they have gone to the top and we should go back to the stairs and back home but when we got to the stairs, all of them were standing there, making no noise at all and we ran back. I felt terrible because I was the oldest one and I didn´t even know if they wanted to do something bad to us or not. So we used the dark way to the forest back and were really happy to get into the car. The amazing part is: I never did something like that and I never had so much adrenalin in my blood. It was a very important experience for me because next time I will do it better. We had really luck because the friend of my sister knew all paths back and we didn´t proceed. Luck in bad luck And now i can only laugh about it

Back The week is almost over and I hadn´t time to learn much. I´m almost done with summing up the knowledge I need for the pre-exams. For two of three subjects after all. For the last subject, I don´t have a real idea what exactly to learn, but whatever. Visiting the classes and listening to the teacher should be enough. And to be honest, I´m not really motivated to do much for that subject (English) because whatever I do, it won´t get better than a B Minus (in the eyes of my teacher), so I finally gave up. I will do, what I did 1.5 years ago and be happy and concentrate on the other subjects. Almost two years ago I chose English as my advanced course not because I was very good in that but because I like the language. That wasn´t really clever and I regretted that choice very soon But hey, my teacher may not be the best and nicest teacher but there are cool people in the course and it´s fun:D Well, the other subjects are pretty hard and there is much to learn but there I am ready to do my best, so hopefully I will get a good grade. I got good grades for my oral participation and this is damn pushing me to do my best and really learn hard for the two subjects. It´s by the way history and chemistry. History is my thing, my determination and also my future. I just love history and I'm interested in every subject we talk about in the class. Chemistry is not really my thing and I don´t know if I like it very much but it´s still better than other subjects. So I´m "learning" almost for two weeks for that and hoping, that that is enough. And my closest friends are there and they are really good, so they can explain to me I will be the happiest person (I think) when I finally get my result card and leave the school. Of course, I will miss school, classes and the teachers but it´s time for changes. A new place, new people, new life, new home, new classes, new teachers, new school (university) and new aims I still can´t believe that this school was the longest I honored to stay really long Normally I had to change school after 0ne or two years and here I stayed literally 6.5 years and the time just flew by. Everything seems the same but when I look back, everything is different. My friends has changed, my classes, my hobbies and of course I (thankfully in a positive way ). I like that.

Oh yes, you bet on that. it´s so mind-fucking what they did and I have the feeling, history is happening again... -.-

@Gabriel Antonio My computer isn´t good with too many "enters" that´s a good exercise, i will try it tomorrow thx

@Wednesday I already tried. The thing is just, that our perspective of a good version is so different. As an example, I like changing the world in a positive way and think of what my actions are creating and they don´t even care about that. And if I would tell them that, they wouldn´t listen or find some dumb arguments against that. So, I gave up my hope. I will just let them do what they want to do and I will try to find my own happiness. Yeah, we have a huge park in the near. I enjoy running there. Street-Running is nothing for me

Or you could do nothing

Running for Escape and Thoughts Today I went running. It was great and made me feel good. The reasons for going to run weren´t that nice. We had a fight home and I went randomly into it. It was a huge failure. Being between two sides and not to know who is right and who is wrong at the morning, it´s really bad. So to do something good for my body and not to deal with the problem I just went on a run. The air was fresh and cold and it calmed my nerves. I run about 4 kilometers, listened to music but weren´t actually listening to it. I was somewhere but not here. After coming back, I regret that I didn´t run longer. Home is now again full of problems. Home is no more a home. Home feels confining. I want to go far away from "home". What am I doing here? That are not my problems but I´m stressed more than the others. Why do I feel the responsibility for everything happening here? It´s not my fault. I have nothing to do with that. And I don´t have the power to change the situation, I'm not God. Sure, I want to be God. But there will be still people who will act against peace. Who don´t even know peace. Who wants to destroy peace. Who are unhappy. I can´t change them. I will only become unhappy. I don´t want to be unhappy. I am supposed to be happy. I want happiness.

My inspirations for my future that I got this week First of all, I want to meditate more, so I can finally feel what all this great had already experienced. It sounds so great. It´s mostly paradox, but it sounds fascinating. To be honest, I don´t have any idea what people experience and realize during meditation or even through enlightment. I really hope, to understand that. Second I want to work on my eating habits. My aim is to become a raw vegan. it sounds really hard but I want that. It´s not just a challenge for me, but due to my researches, I found out that it´s really good for my body and it will heal my body even more than just with eating vegan. Also, I want to eat more organic, regional and seasonal. I have a weakness for mangos and I know that they only grow normally in summer around June and July. But I would buy them also in winter and that´s really not healthy. First of all, they are not really healthy because they are not grown under normal conditions and it really isn´t good for our environment. Maybe I can have one day my own garden with all the fruits and vegetables like FullyRawKristina. She is kind of inspiring me. The last third is to do more sports and maybe one day take part in a marathon. I really enjoy running or jogging. When I jog, I don´t have any thoughts or very less and it´s like switching off my mind. The last days I was ill and it was really cold, so I didn´t do any sports at all. And one last thing: I want fair trade products in every part of my life. It´s really hard to find fair trade products. Especially if you want them to look good or electronic stuff is really hard to find. I struggled with finding a fair trade MP§-Player And most of the stuff is really expensive Whatever,then i will just save for it

Quotes The last two weeks I was reading about three books at the same time and I finished one this Friday. It´s an amazing novel with many truths and I enjoyed every page of it. It´s called "Way of the peaceful warrior" by Dan Millman. During the reading I marked some quotes I liked mostly. So here are they: That´s all I marked but I'm sure there are more amazing quotes in that book. The whole book is just so inspiring, motivating and making one think deeper of everything. When I read that book, I wanted to just start meditating and doing more sports again, like I did in my holidays. I hope to continue soon. Right now my days are filled with learning and more learning I don´t like it...

That´s not embarrassing at all. It´s normal. If you could know what weird dreams I have you wouldn´t think like that

Feeling Uneasy My grandpa came unexpectedly to visit us for a week. He is a very nice person and he loves me and all that but he is so much of work. That sounds really egoistic.... He can not do much on his own, that´s understandable because he is quite old. And that doesn´t even bother me much. The point is: his need of attention. Especially from me. If he would write to someone, I have to check that, he thinks he is doing everything wrong, so I feel like I have to tell him that he is doing fine. For example, I was doing my homework and he came into my room and stand there and told me to check his message although he already had sent it to the person. And I couldn´t just ignore him and continue on my homework because I kind of felt rude and I don´t like it when people watch every step I do. So I read that message and then did my homework. The next point, that bothers me is that he gets some kind of a pain in his neck when he feels uneasy or has to do so. And when I spend time with him I get this pain, too. Because I´m somehow nervous and really very stressed. I have this feeling of having the responsibility to take care of him. I feel a weight on my shoulders that is quite heavy. Also he eats really unhealthy and he needs every single day meat on his plate and I can´t understand him and also when I try to explain him, how unhealthy he is eating he wouldn´t listen or even try to understand. His main argument is: My wife, my sister and my daughter were used to eat salad and they all died before me. I never touched salad and I´m still alive." Well, that´s bullshit. He was just lucky. Whatever. The conclusion is: I don´t have time for my studies, nor have I free time, I feel uncomfortable, selfish and a not very nice person. I think I will just tell him that he should not disturb me during my studies and I will close my door. Maybe it will help. Or I will go to the room of my sister which is farther away from the living-room, so I can happily continue my homework and learning stuff. I really don´t have time for distractions.

What I did this week This week was a really good week for me. We didn´t have too long school, so I could also do other stuff for me. Now trying to remember what I did on the first three days, I have to confess, I don´t know That´s really insane. I can only think of Thursday to today. Well, Thursday I started planning my learning plan, I actually wanted to do in January. Whatever. And it will be a tough month but I hope, I can handle that. With that schedule, I also hope to develop a learning habit, so I don´t get stressed about the exams coming earlier than hoped Time just flows. Yesterday and today were full of chemistry and in about 10 minutes I will start learning for history. I had a nap in the afternoon, so I can stay up longer and learn for my school. Early morning hours and late night are the only hours, it is still in that house and I can concentrate on learning. Also, I spent today much time with my siblings. We colored today together, I made them food twice and we cleaned their room together. During the whole week I used the bus drives as free time and did my reading. Right now I´m reading a great book called "The way of the peaceful warrior". It´s a novel but with many truths in it about life, happiness, meditation.... I´m already looking forward to Monday when I can again enjoy this amazing book In the past I finished books very fast but I know I try to enjoy every word and be aware of what I´m reading And it´s way much better. I notice more details and I´m also more open to monologs (that I hated in the past). It´a new beginning for me. I want to enjoy every moment of my life, be aware and be in every moment in a very happy mood. Now I just have to find time for meditation that are longer than 10 minutes

The world is going crazy I had some bad experiences this week (maybe the weren´t bad at all and I only sensed them as "bad") and I´m going to write about it. Right now I´m asking myself "what the hell bad does mean?" It´s only a word made out of the alphabetic. And most people connect with that their whole life. That sucks. Well, I hope I don´t think the same way. Back to the topic. My father came home on a Monday, which is quite unusual because he only comes at weekends. First, I thought he came by because of food but I already had a bad feeling. I kind of get a hurt in my belly, as I did something wrong. I just hate this feeling because mostly I did nothing wrong. There is this fear which causes this hurt and it´s a really uncomfortable feeling and I´m not really used to that because I´m mostly the good girl that follows the rules and all that bullshit. I hate rules that are stupid. They are only made by parents to control their children and not to give them safety or something. They need that power because there is no other place they can have this feeling of being superior and holding the roop in their hands. That´s just ill and crazy. Kids need their freedom so they can explore the world, be able to act autonomic and just of being free and with that having a happy feeling. Parents don´t understand that. I mean they hated it, too, being controlled by their parents and when they become parents, they do exactly the same or are even worse. Whatever. My father came home and gave me a lecture how to act when I drive for a weekend to another city. I have to tell him when I go, where I go and with whom I go. And my punishment is, that he took my keys away for two weeks. Wow. Actually, I don´t care even a bit about that. It doesn´t matter at all to me. I have a bus ticket and I can walk or whatever. I secretly laughed because he thinks that he is doing something bad to me and I will suffer. But I don´t. It´s just funny. At the end of our talk, he said that he is feeling bad but he has to do so. I thought: "Well, then you are probably feeling more sadness that I do and if you´re feeling bad, then why are you doing that. It will not matter to me." I didn´t say that to him. I´m still not brave enough to talk honestly to him. And I don´t lie it. I still feel that necklace around my neck and he is holding the end of it. It drives me crazy. I want to become independent and happy and I can´t achieve it when I live with my parents. So, I decided to study far far away, so I don´t have to visit then very often and they can´t do it either. I feel bad about my siblings but I have to take this step. Ok, next "bad" experience. My grand-grand father is full of cliche's and stereotype and it makes me mad. He thinks, he knows everything about someone only after a few meetings and he judges then the person. He judges me and the Jewish people and everyone around him. We get see him only on holidays or on weekends and because we have to get up during the week very early, we want to sleep on the weekends. And it´s not that long. Normally till 10 a.m. or something. He sees that, dislikes that and thinks that everyone in my home country is like that. He never was there and has never seen anyone of them except my family and I have to confess, we are not role models. Well, we are young and we need our sleep and by the way, what is wrong with sleeping longer on weekends. The average teenagers sleep into the noon. Besides that, he can have a have a noon nap because he has nothing to do. But we can´t do that. We can´t just sleep during our classes. Well, today I just collapsed and I´m feeling a little bad about that but he had to know. He has no right to judge people without seeing them all. And most of his pictures are wrong. The most persons are not like that. And only because he is old doesn´t mean he is wise. Maybe he has much knowledge but that doesn´t mean that a person is right. At the end, he took all my criticism wrong and I decided to buy him books about the Jewish people and how the suffered and also our culture, so he knows a little about it and thinks before he speaks that untrue words. I also realize people do it every day. I myself do it every fucking day. We see something and we start judging the person and it gets even worse. Because we start thinking about the education the person got and also start judging that and their family, mostly the parents. And if the person has other origins, we start thinking about all the person living in that country bad. It really sucks badly. Why do we do that? To make our ego feel better. That´s just kinky and ugly to think so. We think too much. Why are we addicted to thinking? Why can´t we just stop thinking like ill people and concentrate on our business? Why can´t we be just happy creates which live and let live? Why why why? That´s the question I started asking me. But I got no answer. I don´t even know if there is any answer to my questions? Is the ego the only one making us do that whole bad things? Is there some other bad power in us, like the witches in "Macbeth" who let the person do bad things because they make him believe that this is his destiny? Are there such creatures also in our path, in our body, in our mind? Questions after questions....