puporing

@Matt23 Haha yeah, I just assume I'm at least a bit toxic.. and unexplainable symptoms.

I feel like people who are strongly against it may have been victimized by it in some way..directly or indirectly, so they feel like it's this 'evil force' that needs to be reined in.

@NoN-RaTiOnAL Yes there can be a lot of guilt initially, maybe feel isolated too if you don't know anyone else going through that. Most people try to tell you to 'go back to your parents' but they may not value independence so much and are okay with the status quo. Sounds like you're on the right track!

He doesn't owe us any videos lol if anything he's given so much free content over the years, and space here for people to connect/ask questions. It'll be AOK. Much love.

Uh.. boundaries.. low contact.. being firm when boundaries crossed (if the situation is such that I could not leave it entirely). Also would you consider moving to another country? Seems to be the next good option if you are in a position to.

@Focus Shift I sort of know someone who's doing freelance 3D animation, combined with graphic design and illustration, so more like marketing side of things. He was doing pretty well/steady most of this clients seem to be startups or well established companies, maybe some networking could help with that.

Martial arts sounds like a healthy way to release it. I did a lot of that with music as well (piano, drums.. drums are great for that).

Yeah.. my parents are/were like this plus other issues. It's definitely not on you to 'take care of them' in this way and it seems like it is hindering your development. It's not okay that they treat you like this, they're the adults and you're supposed to get to be nurtured by them, not the other way around! So get that straight in your head first (this will take some time if you've been guilted life long, took me years to understand what they were doing and to get over the false guilt part). Many parents like this will gaslight you into thinking you owe them shit because they fed/clothed you and constantly hold you responsible, you are not! Anything you do for them is a bonus/out of love and if they can't see it that way, that's on them and their perception of reality. You will probably need to make some boundaries (which they will not like and throw all kinds of guilt tactics, just be ready for that..), and make explicit to them that you need space to live your life and cannot be around so much to take care of them. That it is important that you get to be independent of them. Don't buy the guilt-tripping, this is all just perpetuating their dependence on you (and you're the child too for god's sake!). The other aspect is to become financially independent. Because unfortunately whenever you are accepting their help, it gives them the power back.. at least in the beginning this is pretty important, to make clear that you will not accept help in exchange for this behavior/dependence. Also my parents had a tendency to make me dependent on them as well, so watch out for that one, like trying to stop me from moving away, not letting me explore careers, always dangling some money to 'buy me back', etc. For me it wasn't so straightforward as my parents were also very authoritarian/threatening, so I had to slowly come out and say these things.

Your mom is pretty cool and open-minded, especially like you say given the environment she's in. It's an interesting topic, I have gifted books before to give the other a new perspective or shift that I think may help them in general.. they sort of have to be already receptive to me doing that like your mom. I think books are wonderful as gifts I remember after reading the Complete Conversations with God books I wanted to just give a copy to everyone around me! I also sort of took the 'opposite' direction by simply not gifting on those occasions unless it felt right to. It's not so much an active thing I'm doing, it's more like dropping the thing - the tradition around it, or that I should/have to, not based on authentic feeling around gifting to someone in particular. So nowadays when I do want to give someone something it just happens spontaneously on any day and I don't feel obligated to which is liberating.

I am just loving the vibe in this thread.

Amen to that, we're so trained to always be 'going somewhere' that if we are still and 'waiting' we have somehow failed. So much wisdom comes from spaciousness.

@Matt23 I was looking into it a bit, have you tried finding a naturopathic doctor/clinic in your area? (for urine test) I'm skipping the test part for now and just going to the detox..

@Fearless_Bum yeah! So much freedom comes from expressing yourself freely regardless of gender. So many people box me in as a biological woman and expect me to only play certain roles, have certain kinds of jobs, NOT have certain kinds of jobs/hobbies, it friken sucks! Also exploring the masculine and feminine for any human being is a kind of art (self expression). I love RuPaul's take: "We're all born naked and the rest is drag."

It's so highly contextual... like @Yarco said. Do your parents deserve to know every little thing you do in life? I would say no. How about some parents are just too controlling and it limits your growth (Ie my parents would probably literally murder me if I was to tell them I am trying some psychedelics, they get upset for so many things that hinder my growth). There's a certain situation where self-protection trumps 'always being honest'. If you feel like you're acting otherwise in integrity and just have very fundamental value differences it's your right to have some privacy.

It's the nature of it I guess, I am mostly accepting of this now, I like to treat just people in general I stumble upon with kindness as much as possible, but I do need alone time, and that in a way is like a kind of friendship, non attached. I guess I started losing a lot of the differentiation around this. There are definitely people I resonate more with, and those kinds of bonds even more so do not require neediness. I don't know, still figuring it out .

Yeah I can't really live without them at this point lol, especially the piano.

Hmm.. I mostly believe in sitting with your feelings for awhile, just let them be, they didn't come from nowhere. Give it some time and let it work through you. Express it through something like writing. Grieve. You're in the middle of trying to understand what happened to you and how to move forward. Talk to your inner self that was wounded, it needs your attention/love as it has been neglected for so long. Right now what you need is self-love. And trust that it will move through you in time. Just keep an awareness that your feelings will evolve.

Develop a bigger vision if the current one isn't speaking to you, maybe you could see it as part of a larger vision that does make you appreciate the current moment and whatever you're partaking, the life you really want to build and this is possibly just a stepping stone to get there if you don't have the luxury of going directly there yet.

@PurpleTree No shame in trying it out, yeah the 61 key is more than enough for this one .

@PurpleTree For this particular piece you don't need the full keyboard.. most beginner don't, but I would get the full if you're buying one anyway just because you will eventually run into a piece that has the low bass or high notes and you can't play through the whole thing because of the key situation. Plus they're usually better made and if you're talking electric get the weighted keys so it feels like acoustic more. I would always recommend acoustic but I know it's not for everyone's living/budget situation.

@flyingguitarist That's cool, my taste is usually on the darker/intense side so I'd recommend based on that lol. OK there's just a lot: Chopin Nocturnes are a good starting point (Op.9 No 1-3, Op 48, No 1, Op 27 No 1-2, Op 15, No 1-3) Most of the Nocturnes are actually fairly light with some exceptions. Rachmaninoff's 10 Preludes in Op 23; Prelude Op 3, No. 2, Etudes-tableaux Op 33 No 1 & 2. Chopin 24 Preludes, Sherzi Op 31 No 2, Andante spiano & Grande Polonaise brillante. Chopin's Etudes, and all 4 Ballades to top it off. I like some of his waltzes like Op 64 No 2, Waltz in A minor too. Rachmaninoff's Concerto No. 2 and No. 3. Debussy's stuff's good, more meditative I find. Erik Satie is a minimalist and his ‎Gymnopédies & Gnossiennes are whimsical. Liszt stuff like Liebestraum, Hungarian Rhapsody, Transcendental Etudes. Lesser known composers like Rebikov, Albeniz, Respighi are nice. There's so much variety in classical. I know some people who only really want to play Bach for example and I'm like, just okay about it. Some of it was nice I guess, there's a lot to explore with Bach and I haven't gotten to it..

@PurpleTree Mostly Chopin, Chopin alone inspired me to keep going with the piano, and Rachmaninoff, Debussy, romantic era music. And I'm also into heavy rock so I'm picking up other instruments to boot

I really feel your pain and the struggle to be unconditionally loved and just wanting to catch a break from this struggle. You deserved loving, non-abusive parents, and it was not your fault that you grew up with so little of that and dealing with the physical, mental emotional aftermath. It sounds like you've been on your own, that you had to grow up fast to take care of yourself and perhaps your mother as well. I could relate a lot to what you're saying.. and about seeking warmth outside of home, because you didn't have that from your home life, only to keep the cycle of feeling unloved and abandoned. It's good that you're able to acknowledge the experience of loss, and that you have spoken with teachers and therapists about your past, it is not easy to open up about these matters as you're doing so here... You seem very self aware and have a good guidance system and asking questions. It may be helpful to first notice the pattern, and ponder on why they aren't meeting your needs in the end, and how else could I meet those needs and develop trusting friendships and relationships. I know it's perhaps not the answer you're looking for. But you're not alone and I hope this community can help you feel more loved and supported.

You're most welcome! I see, I can see why that might be. It gave me the jolt I needed sometimes, it's just one perspective, not for everyone. Honestly, I prefer to enjoy the process as much as I can as that's how I could avoid burning out. And you really deserve to enjoy the process, after all in all likelihood musicians do most of their work for no pay and even when they get really good they get like waitress wages (for most). A healthy balance is how I approach it.

I have family members who still refuse to be vaxxed and one of them only now got the first shot due to being diagnosed with cancer *big sigh*. I cannot change their mind and they won't take advice from a 'youngling'. It sucks because both are dealing with delayed medical care that they otherwise need (and complaining about it because hospitals are clogged and surgeries delayed..).