puporing

@Fearless_Bum yeah! So much freedom comes from expressing yourself freely regardless of gender. So many people box me in as a biological woman and expect me to only play certain roles, have certain kinds of jobs, NOT have certain kinds of jobs/hobbies, it friken sucks! Also exploring the masculine and feminine for any human being is a kind of art (self expression). I love RuPaul's take: "We're all born naked and the rest is drag."

It's so highly contextual... like @Yarco said. Do your parents deserve to know every little thing you do in life? I would say no. How about some parents are just too controlling and it limits your growth (Ie my parents would probably literally murder me if I was to tell them I am trying some psychedelics, they get upset for so many things that hinder my growth). There's a certain situation where self-protection trumps 'always being honest'. If you feel like you're acting otherwise in integrity and just have very fundamental value differences it's your right to have some privacy.

It's the nature of it I guess, I am mostly accepting of this now, I like to treat just people in general I stumble upon with kindness as much as possible, but I do need alone time, and that in a way is like a kind of friendship, non attached. I guess I started losing a lot of the differentiation around this. There are definitely people I resonate more with, and those kinds of bonds even more so do not require neediness. I don't know, still figuring it out .

Yeah I can't really live without them at this point lol, especially the piano.

Hmm.. I mostly believe in sitting with your feelings for awhile, just let them be, they didn't come from nowhere. Give it some time and let it work through you. Express it through something like writing. Grieve. You're in the middle of trying to understand what happened to you and how to move forward. Talk to your inner self that was wounded, it needs your attention/love as it has been neglected for so long. Right now what you need is self-love. And trust that it will move through you in time. Just keep an awareness that your feelings will evolve.

Develop a bigger vision if the current one isn't speaking to you, maybe you could see it as part of a larger vision that does make you appreciate the current moment and whatever you're partaking, the life you really want to build and this is possibly just a stepping stone to get there if you don't have the luxury of going directly there yet.

@PurpleTree No shame in trying it out, yeah the 61 key is more than enough for this one .

@PurpleTree For this particular piece you don't need the full keyboard.. most beginner don't, but I would get the full if you're buying one anyway just because you will eventually run into a piece that has the low bass or high notes and you can't play through the whole thing because of the key situation. Plus they're usually better made and if you're talking electric get the weighted keys so it feels like acoustic more. I would always recommend acoustic but I know it's not for everyone's living/budget situation.

@flyingguitarist That's cool, my taste is usually on the darker/intense side so I'd recommend based on that lol. OK there's just a lot: Chopin Nocturnes are a good starting point (Op.9 No 1-3, Op 48, No 1, Op 27 No 1-2, Op 15, No 1-3) Most of the Nocturnes are actually fairly light with some exceptions. Rachmaninoff's 10 Preludes in Op 23; Prelude Op 3, No. 2, Etudes-tableaux Op 33 No 1 & 2. Chopin 24 Preludes, Sherzi Op 31 No 2, Andante spiano & Grande Polonaise brillante. Chopin's Etudes, and all 4 Ballades to top it off. I like some of his waltzes like Op 64 No 2, Waltz in A minor too. Rachmaninoff's Concerto No. 2 and No. 3. Debussy's stuff's good, more meditative I find. Erik Satie is a minimalist and his ‎Gymnopédies & Gnossiennes are whimsical. Liszt stuff like Liebestraum, Hungarian Rhapsody, Transcendental Etudes. Lesser known composers like Rebikov, Albeniz, Respighi are nice. There's so much variety in classical. I know some people who only really want to play Bach for example and I'm like, just okay about it. Some of it was nice I guess, there's a lot to explore with Bach and I haven't gotten to it..

@PurpleTree Mostly Chopin, Chopin alone inspired me to keep going with the piano, and Rachmaninoff, Debussy, romantic era music. And I'm also into heavy rock so I'm picking up other instruments to boot

I really feel your pain and the struggle to be unconditionally loved and just wanting to catch a break from this struggle. You deserved loving, non-abusive parents, and it was not your fault that you grew up with so little of that and dealing with the physical, mental emotional aftermath. It sounds like you've been on your own, that you had to grow up fast to take care of yourself and perhaps your mother as well. I could relate a lot to what you're saying.. and about seeking warmth outside of home, because you didn't have that from your home life, only to keep the cycle of feeling unloved and abandoned. It's good that you're able to acknowledge the experience of loss, and that you have spoken with teachers and therapists about your past, it is not easy to open up about these matters as you're doing so here... You seem very self aware and have a good guidance system and asking questions. It may be helpful to first notice the pattern, and ponder on why they aren't meeting your needs in the end, and how else could I meet those needs and develop trusting friendships and relationships. I know it's perhaps not the answer you're looking for. But you're not alone and I hope this community can help you feel more loved and supported.

You're most welcome! I see, I can see why that might be. It gave me the jolt I needed sometimes, it's just one perspective, not for everyone. Honestly, I prefer to enjoy the process as much as I can as that's how I could avoid burning out. And you really deserve to enjoy the process, after all in all likelihood musicians do most of their work for no pay and even when they get really good they get like waitress wages (for most). A healthy balance is how I approach it.

I have family members who still refuse to be vaxxed and one of them only now got the first shot due to being diagnosed with cancer *big sigh*. I cannot change their mind and they won't take advice from a 'youngling'. It sucks because both are dealing with delayed medical care that they otherwise need (and complaining about it because hospitals are clogged and surgeries delayed..).

Connection, like real face to face connection that’s not a therapist, or a work one, or a friend that just wants me to take are of them, lol covid is not helping.

Both my parents were around stage purple to red with little bits of blue and orange and were only really concerned with their own problems/perpetual conflicts and how they looked to others/how I made them look.

@PurpleTree That's how I started, I mean not just this piece but yeah stuff like this

Comptine d'un autre été by Yann Tiersen.

@Thewizardking What helped me was going back to the works of other musicians that first inspired me, I would just play their songs/pieces over and over and I get so much inspiration from that. And I acknowledge I still need some time to get to where I really want to be creating. Love the process of getting where you want to go, trust it, and don't expect anyone else to give you reassurances nor let them talk you down/out of it, as there will likely be lots of "rejections" before you make a "success" but know that the process itself is you contributing to the beauty of this world. The very act of it and living it has tremendous value and is already affecting those around you. A reading/re-reading of the War of Art may also be beneficial.

I second that Moved out of mine to a large degree now with more focused meditations in the float chambers.. lawl. And a lot of sleep...

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I've considered hosting Meetups too at one point something similar but more spiritual leaning.. it just seems very daunting like you say people being at various stages. Kudos to you for keeping with it despite the challenges and finding meaning through connecting people face to face. It's hard to come by these days to find more conscious communities.

Wonder if this forum has gotten more traffic since Covid.

LoL thanks, yeah compost is super-rich stuff, now my city collects food scraps I hope it goes to farms, so underrated. @John Paul I used to work as an environmental tech and go to contaminated sites and do cleanups/write reports and stuff so know some about how they travel and how long they can persist in the environment. And I ran a no-spray farm. I chose leafy greens and juicing veg because I feel like leafy greens have the greatest surface area (from the spray, also broccoli), and juicing because all the vegetables I use don't usually have a shell which does act as a bit of physical (but not perfect) barrier and juicing extracts like everything from the veg so it would be more concentrated I feel. Can't say I've actually done a literature study on this mostly just info I collect here and there on the web + observation. I'm really not paranoid about it just do what I can to reduce... it is expensive afterall and not everyone can afford this.

Yeah that's the tough one isn't it...

@Windappreciator lol. Like I said it so highly depends on the farm and best if you did some research of the source itself. But no back when I did some org farming I used very little if any fertilizers, just compost.

Admin/accounting skills are great life/business skills to have. Everyone has their own unique path... It seems like you're well on your way to figuring it out now.