puporing

It's tricky.. I think most people like to feel like they're special in dating situations (even if temporary?), and that can be hard to do in an open relationship. I think it could work either as you treat them like a FWB but treat them very well just be clear it's not a long term situation right off the bat and figure out a WIN WIN for both involved not just for you, OR treat them like someone really important to you regardless of your dating situation.. like a soul mate but she can come and go as it works or not work for her (as in any open situation people can come and go and come back lol, I mean it has to be genuine of course..) Other than that I think open relationship for me is more like a way of being.. like I don't want to hide my feelings if they do come up, or pretend I'm not attracted to others, or closing all possibility of loving others (can be platonic or sexual..) , etc. If you can embrace that without the need for outcomes it can be pretty sweet Also I think the one that initiates/actively pursues this lifestyle will find out that he/she will have to love harder than they might have in a one-on-one situation. (both in terms of how they handle the relationships/maturity and skills, and life-purpose related pursuits).

Yeah I feel that too especially if that's how you used to be or your family grew accustomed to. There can be a sense that you're doing something wrong. There is a trade-off for self-actualizing people where they tend to go inward more and spend more time introspecting and grow. Having a strong vision helps and also you can still express love without spending so much time around people. I think it's healthier when people hang around not out of obligation and more genuiness. I value being honest (in this case around how much time I'd like to be around people) and so I have to let go of the desire to people please. Also just by you being this way it also sends the message to others that it is okay to have your space. However you show up in the world tells others that it is a valid way of being, and that does have a ripple effect.

I would just go with my gut feelings... what you're comfortable with... how you feel about it.. etc. Do you enjoy your times together? stuff like that.. And maybe talk to him about your limitations in dealing with his suicidal thoughts/suggest other help and resources and that you wouldn't be able to solve all his problems etc I think drawing some boundaries is always healthy and I guess how he reacts to that can help you decide. Some people have chronic depression and are very aware of the boundary issue and try very hard not to be 'a burden' or use that as a way of getting their way, it just depends on how aware someone is about that. (I guess I am not encouraging or discouraging because I think you would know better )

@electroBeam If you have access to land could try growing your own... (which will also demonstrate how actually organic produce is quite well priced generally.. ). I know it's still expensive when you add everything up but fresh is better.

I'm curious if you've raised this with your partner seriously or not yet, and how she feels about this. It sounded almost like you're afraid to bring this up that it may cause her to not want to be with you. And I would say if that's the case really contemplate the cost of not sharing your true desires and how that might affect you and your relationship in the long term. There're risks but what I found over and over in relationships is that the cost of not sharing my true self/pursuing the things I have a deep passion for is just too high compared to potentially losing the relationship. And.. you might just be pleasantly surprised at the response you get from your partner (again I'm assuming you haven't yet shared).

@Zen LaCroix For me was playing the piano and classical works of Chopin and the like, lol. It's not immediately accessible but it helped me so much in that regard more so than traditional talk therapy.. but basically it allowed me to fully feel all the emotions that were repressed it gets released as I'm feeling them. Actually it helped even more when I had a therapist who would listen to me play and talk about it afterwards.

@7thLetter "Maybe god is a narcissist" - Leo Gura Lol but in all honesty.. it's not that different from regular narcissistic tendencies that I believe we all have to a degree and can manifest more extremely in some.

@eaaaeaeae Ahh I would say the immediate thought is they would kill me lol (mostly just the tone being used here rather than the essence). Hmm honestly when I started breaking away psychologically / adding boundaries to reduce contact I allow with them I had the fear that they would try to physically harm me. Whether real or imagined it was a learned reaction for not being allowed to say no/show anger/sadness. I had frequent nightmares with them forcing me to do stuff until recently when my psychologist helped me a bit to resolve some of this. But in any case, my plan is to respond more authentically in the future or whenever such a situation arises.. I appreciate your input and kudos to you for having the inner strength to be who you want to be each moment. That's true freedom.

I feel like at my wits end and have nobody to talk to about this. I have a very troubled relationship with my parents (they fought alot when I lived with them all throughout my life and treated me like I'm their slave and I suffer from CPTSD as a result). I come from a traditional Chinese culture but I grew up mostly in Canada and do not identify as being Chinese or even Canadian or even human very much for that matter (lol). Long story short I had to move away from this abusive/controlling situation in my early 20s to have a chance at living my own life the way I wanted to. Fast forward I did meet my current partner and we've been together for 5 years. The last couple of years every phone call with my mom she brings up babies and how other people she knows are having them, or complain about why people don't want kids these days (that maybe it's economic insecurity), just subtle or not so subtle ways of pressuring me to have kids. But I don't want them (I wouldn't say never because I try to be open minded) and I struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis which gets exacerbated further by their pressuring and invalidation of my existence other than being a womb. I want to be a pianist and have told them about such interest/shared my playing often, but they never ask about it or care and always try to steer me to some other 'job' that pays but don't care about if it has any meaning to my life or how I want to be/contribute in the world. I am in a financially secure position and it's what's allowing me to make this move with career change. I guess overall I just wanted to find out how to deal with this incessant pressure to have kids as a woman and only child, the issue is treated like that is their ONLY hope in life (because they really have nothing else going on in their life and latch on to me probably due to boredom). I think it's a source of pride and a sign of success/bragging rights or even immortality. I have no interest in arguing with them on our value differences but I also don't want to cut them off completely from my life. How do you deal with this kind of messaging on a regular basis and not let it affect your mental health while also on the spiritual path? The main thing is just the feeling of being a ' bad person' or I have failed them due to my choices. Meanwhile I've heard stories of women who didn't want to be pregnant but did and killed themselves because they didn't want the baby and it makes me wonder how toxic this collective obsession with babies can be. Edit: I know the me that suffers from this is transient and not everlasting or my true nature.. but the me that suffers still takes up a lot of my days and I can't seem to snap out of it quickly. There's definitely more attachment to the story/narrative due to the fact they're my 'biological parents' who sacrificed a lot and I may owe them something.

My understanding is that art is more of god expressing itself and you are god so you are art.

@Roy Absolutely!! I am training in classical piano and the works of Chopin/Rachmaninoff/Debusy/Liszt etc bring me to tears frequently. I savour each note/chord and the beauty of how masterfully the pieces were created. Yes sometimes I would say it's like a mental orgasm unlike anything else. Nowadays if I'm away from the piano it plays in my head almost like calling me back to it. (btw I also love Coldplay per your dp..) I would say it was a combination of my past trauma and deep self therapy and consciousness work that allow me to experience so fully.

@Soulife96 Are you referring to Jed McKenna?

There's definitely something to be said about not everyone starting on the same starting line. Not just geographical but other factors/limitations. However I do believe that if you had the will to keep pushing yourself in the direction you truly want, life will in a way start to unfold in that direction as well, and you will attract people and situations that will help you (sometimes unexpectedly so), whereas if you had a limiting belief that it won't ever work out then more likely it won't. The spirit of it matters while you're pursuing your purpose/passion and you're at peace even if you don't reach some 'end goal' (detachment but taking 100% care/responsibility) - you work your ass off anyway because the spirit of it matters that much to you. And this will be tested over and over because people around you might tempt you to stop one way or another.

Maybe suffering is just a component of love.

Making peace with being misunderstood/demonized/an outcast To love the thing that's the hardest to love Some kind of work to express truth/love

I felt this way about depression too (at least some of the symptoms like brain fog/exhaustion). It is also very difficult/costly to access the more intense detox treatments here (in Canada). I tried just with some herbal type solutions, would be curious what kind of regime you went on.

Thank you all so much for your input and words of encouragement! So glad that this forum exists.. I can feel the love abound being transmitted through. Gonna take decades or longer, but already some young people are choosing to not get married or even have a career. Check out the 'lying flat' movement that's quietly happening there. lol thanks, but yes they could really use some feminist movement there among other things Thank you, very much so! Had to fight for my independence haha Yeah agreed, it would just lead to more of the same/similar, unless that's what you want out of life..

Amen.. yeah that's precisely.. I guess more letting go is needed.

Yes absolutely.

Nicely summed up. It's better to accept that possibility sooner than still holding out that maybe one day they'll approve of me. I get what you mean, there was just a lot of inner work I needed some help with just to grieve and get over the pains from my childhood which I couldn't tell anyone about until my mid 20s as I was literally intimidated/brainwashed into not telling anyone to, I had no siblings or other family members who could've stepped in and interferred. I ran away from home (had to lie about it too to get away) when I first felt capable of doing so as a young adult. I am mostly out of the grieving stage so now I'm more focused on how to manage keeping boundaries and still have some relationship with the parents despite how easily they will trigger me or throw me back to PTSD symptoms. Not everyone start on the same starting line I had a lot of trauma to sort through which was running up against my personal development/spiritual work but things are better for me now despite still having depression/anxiety symptoms, it was much worse couple of years back. But I get it I'm not interested in latching onto this as a part of my identity forever, it affected me but I'm more interested in transformation/metamorphosis.

Thank you! There're no guarantees as to how long we'll live either.

@molosku Thank you! It's pretty weird that even though I know my own happiness trumps that of others, this mixed with being an empath can muddy the waters. I really appreciate the wake-up call and validation towards who's behind the steering wheel of my life (actually feeling like a dark cloud being removed as I'm typing this). I think a large part of the depression is 'caused by' this back and forth impossibility between trying to satisfy (and fail) the parents and trying to live my life, it has worked maybe till the time I graduated, and then it stopped working coz I wanted to make my own decisions at last from then on, it's one of those unsolvable equations and thank you for making me realize that! Haha I love the rawness of that. Daniel Mackler (he has a youtube channel) there actually helped me a lot with that and his book on "Breaking from your parents". It's not easy to do solo so I really appreciate when I find people who get it.. I have visited a few therapists now and unfortunately, all of them have been wishy-washy on whether to side with parents or me and do not validate like you do here - not good and didn't help me very much, not to say I won't keep trying.. still on waiting list for a publicly funded therapist but I'll keep trying.

@Husseinisdoingfine Yeah can't say I know too much about Confucianism but it sounds horribly outdated and is there to maintain power hierarchy.. actually after watching that video it sounds more like a religion. It's a very collectivist society/culture, you're not allowed to be 'an individual' or have your own ideas of how to live. As well as misogyny where women are treated like servants (serve your husband and parents and rear children and that's your only purpose in life).

@Windappreciator Thank you I'll remember that!! I really appreciate your replies, it helped a lot just to be seen/heard/understood.

@Thought Art wow I feel the same way as you.. just wanting to make music but doesn't really pay (at least for now or the near future). And I can't stand working for most people. Everyone just want me to be a piano teacher lol but I just want to play piano so I guess I gotta put even more work in to make that work. Also I found Rupert Spira super helpful when I felt rage/sadness that I can't seem to overcome, like just coming back to my true nature of awareness again usually calms me down.. but I know it's easier said than done.