puporing

@Bobby_2021 I don't know enough about divorce laws in China. But my cousin is from a poor family so.. I'm not sure how that even factors in. There's also no child support in China. Again your arguments don't line up with the context (you're applying western laws and standards to a deep red/blue society), and of course I don't know every detail of the situation. I have no issues with men marrying 40+ or any age, or not at all, all I was pointing out was my cousin wants to find a partner and he's been looking and looking, and his mom is preventing it from happening and he is allowing it. Due to some prejudice and his inability to go beyond his family system

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HY9aw5cQRDQ It's good that you already have an opening for change, recognize that this willingness itself is courage. Change can happen either when you get fed up with the problems you keep running into and so you start questioning, or actively seeking this out because growing and learning is part of your nature. It can be deterred by fear because change can alter your entire practical reality as you're currently living. It can change your survival strategy, your relationships, etc. All of which is a threat to the ego. I guess pick what you're willing/wanting to change and focus on that. Find allies and leaders who have traveled through that journey.

I have a cousin in China who is 40+ and a pretty cool guy. But he has trouble finding a partner. Couple years ago he eventually did and they both liked each other. But because the woman had a brief previous marriage with no children, his mom disapproved it and made him give her up. Similarly another Chinese girl I knew was slut shamed for having had two boyfriends in China, she later married to a foreigner. And then they despise women who marry foreigners... Pretty extreme and unhealthy manifestation of stage blue value around relationships that should be questioned.

It sounds like a boundary thing, like your sense of self is being affected by people around you. It's very exhausting living like that and like you say puts you in these rollercoasters and possibly people pleasing modes. I would say start developing a strong sense of self, your values and principles, what are good things about you, list it out. And then a list of what you might consider 'not good', and then give an example of when you have had the 'not good' quality. And crucially think really hard to add a response with one of your good qualities as to why you acted like this. (As an example... I might say, I am "unfocused/ADD with this task", the response being... "I am actually prioritizing what's most important to me"). Anyway I know this might be counter to what "spirituality" is about but I do think building a healthy sense of self is a foundation to going up and up.

I mean... In a way it was good she walked away from that, gives you an immediate feedback of what she's not perhaps into in relation to you, if that's what you were looking for strictly speaking. Also yeah I think most girls don't like being immediately started off the path of FWB (at least not so explicitly pointed out like that) I could be wrong though all depends on the person/their state of mind..

This is really easier said than done when you've not received proper love growing up. Yes there should be increasing awareness of self-love, self-parenting etc, but when you literally had zero true parental figure that's a really tall order. I don't have all the answers, been in and out of therapy myself for similar reasons. I think being in the presence of a loving person really does help however you find that, doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. Maybe a mentor, teacher that you can interact more consistently with.

Sounds like you need someone who could just unconditionally give you some love and care. It can be very tough to get out of on your own. I hope you don't blame yourself..

Depending on where you live, you can do some research about low cost counselling. There're usually some groups/non-profit doing that. I would first ask social services or even call a distress line number, they may have information about that. I used to work on the line and was actually surprised to find what is out there.. but do understand that it may be very limited options so you can't necessarily get the 'best care' because the therapist you're matched with isn't super compatible or such.

You're not alone in that. We are wired for connection. Perhaps you've never felt seen for who you are fully. It is totally fine that you want to feel connected and to seek that. What helps me is to be totally present in every interaction I do have - strangers or others, be there for someone, and let go as much as I could of my attachment to the outcome of that. Love is not a finite resource, only we think it so... each one of us craves to be seen and loved.

Lol.. speaking from a woman's perspective, I seem to always either run into guys who will only see me as a sex object, or marriage prospect. There's literally nothing in between. Maybe I'm in the wrong part of the country (fairly conservative).

I think your main issue is communication before anything. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to enter into marriage when you feel like you can't talk about these more uncomfortable topics as they will inevitably come up, yet. I mean they can be really tough to broach in the beginning but long-term relationships are like this, uncomfortable things will inevitably come up and it is always the willingness of you and your partner to deal with them as they come up that decide the fate of the partnership. Of course I am assuming alot here... there's never a guarantee to a marriage even if someone is a virgin, or that they won't stray from you. All of this will challenge you and is part of life. Of course I'm not saying if you have a goal don't strive for it, but weigh in on the fact that nothing in life is a guarantee, and then choose your preferences from that standpoint. Another angle I like to look at with the whole divorce situation (man being afraid of losing half the money) is that it is created by a larger societal problem... much more complex than I can summarize here. The fact that many women still have to rely on marriage as a survival strategy in most countries/places, single mothers are still over-represented in poverty, girls are not encouraged to have careers (in stage blue even orange societies still) but encouraged to be mothers and thus have nothing to fall back on, I can go on and on ... but basically this societal collective problem is manifested as 'man losing half the money' shock to men when it happens and so relationships have become much more calculated than it should be..

@Preety_India lol your detailed description sounds also alot like China. I really appreciate your honesty.

I mean it's already happening, not just AI, but also just through the sheer evolution of humanity beyond doing repetitive tasks - self-actualization. UBI or some kind of resource-sharing mechanism should be adopted for mankind to evolve collectively - not something just reserved for the few lucky ones.

Suffering can serve its purpose of propelling you to go beyond the ego, waking you up to your true self, for many people it's what starts the 'search'. Is that intentional or necessary? I have no idea but it is how it seems to be. And then when you realize that this reality can be different, you could choose to be more of that which you want to see in the world.

Hmm. This post reminded me of something Matt Kahn said. That ultimately his goal was to awaken the master within all of his 'students'. That's what I'm ultimately drawn to/working towards, but everyone has their own 'path' to take.

Going through something very similar the last year and I had to take some time off - though my situation is luckier financially. I took work that was mentally not demanding but maybe a bit more physically demanding so I can basically process things as I'm working (mail delivery for example). This was deliberate as I was really mentally not there or with society at large. Any kind of interaction with people in work situations was unbearable for an extended time. So in that case it made more sense to do something more mechanical.. I also started renting out rooms on Airbnb and that was manageable too as I'm just working for myself. You could also try to get on some kind of disability, though that's often quite a loop to jump through.

Ah, this is a pure gem what you're sharing - you can't find or get until maybe well into therapy, even then not so comprehensive like this I think. Thank you very much for sharing.

@Mihael Keehl Yes I do know one from my area. He also does online sessions. Let me know if you want his info. (Not sure if he knows of Stanislav Grof, his therapy is very Jungian based)

Thanks for sharing! Was just looking up if there are feedbacks from folks from his workshops. I am just saving up to attend either his or Rupert's Spira's retreat. It is so much when you convert USD to CAD and I want to do it in person, but like you said it was worth it.

Lol I been following some recipes/diet from the "Thyroid Healing" book, it's probably not necessary to go that extreme but I did notice an energy uptick and less brain fogginess. (Juicing, veg and fruit heavy no carb no diary, high quality protein, heavy metal detox, supplements for nutrients I'm short on).

Yeah it can be frustrating.. Some are very fear based and have trust issues and will latch onto ‘conspiracy theory’ or anecdotal evidence as truth.. unfortunately more compassion and understanding toward them is needed for any chance of them changing their minds, not less.

Tough to self-actualize/individuate in that country..or go beyond stage blue and orange. Herd mentality is strong.

I like the work of Carl Jung for looking more into dreams, helped me with shadow work and individuation..

Yes! I have done this myself from a toxic family situation. In my case it was not even a question I had to leave if I wanted to have a self/life of my own and not constantly be dragged down by drama. I had very little money though it would be better if you saved a bit. It was bit tough initially coz I had to take odd jobs whatever I could find at first (and living cheaply). I did have a degree and that helped me land better jobs eventually but the first year was a real struggle as I moved like 6 times in that year from shared living situations one after another. But like I said the situation was so bad that even this was more appealing. It's not egoic thinking you want to be independent and start the process of living life true to you. I don't regret it one bit and if ever in a similar situaion I would still work my ass off to stay away from living with family. I didn't tell my parents the real reason of why I left until years after however because it was not emotionally safe to do.. but that's up to you and your situation how you want to handle communicating your leaving.

Mine is currently pretty non-existent aside from my partner, as I'm trying to focus on life purpose, reading, and healing in general. I do go out to some random Meetup events sometimes but don't usually keep going, and connect with the odd friend here and there see how they're doing. I'm just going through a phase where I need to be free of distractions and obligations. Maybe will come out of that when I feel like I got my life purpose in a decent spot.. we will see.