puporing

Hey this is awesome, thanks for sharing! I can follow your lines of reasoning pretty well. Made me realize how truly f**ked I was.

@Happy Lizard Yeah web dev can be pretty fun, also super overwhelming if you are trying to pick up like all the popular languages out there and get sucked into every job posting LoL. Do you have an idea if you'd prefer front end or back end? Well either way it's good to learn both so you can understand how they might interface, but depends on if you're more of a design person or math/algorithmic leaning. I started with Javascript, it was very versatile. So maybe figure out what languages, frameworks, libraries you want to start with. My stack was JS, React (frontend), CSS (frontend), Node.js (backend), PSQL (database) and I really liked that stack coz both React and Node are JS based. Also what kind of companies do you want to work for? Maybe do a bit of research on what stack they use if you're trying to get a job with them. Project wise, I think they mainly look for finished web pages, "replicas" are totally fine you don't have to invent something, or a component of one (like a chat bot for example...), contributions you've made to an open-source project on Github. I guess in general it's also good to know a bit about security and authentication but don't have to dive too deep.

Not just on 'forgiveness' but.. "Letting Go" by David Hawkins talks about just about everything surrounding this.

Sounds like major depression (though that's just a label, in reality, it is a correct/healthy response to what you went through). What helps me is to let it all out somehow, expressing it, maybe writing, music, talking to someone safe if you are up for that (they have to be safe otherwise it might just make it worse, even lot of therapists are not truly 'safe'). I think you need to be seen for those dark emotions somehow, that helped me heal at least. I don't know a better way truthfully.

Your life does matter, you are totally unique and nobody else can replace you as the form you exist in right now. Literally not possible. And this place is made more rich thanks to your presence. Stay with this journey, you are just getting started and there is more to see than meets the eye right now.

It sounds like you are in an environment that's going against the direction/energy you're headed. People who aren't oriented this way, in general, will try to 'pull you back down' to where they're at so they can feel at ease when they're around you. It's mostly an unconscious behavior. It's good that you're connected to this community, hopefully the people here can counter some of those influences. Wouldn't surprise me that she's trying to get some kind of love from you when she should've gotten it from her parents. But judging by your description of your upbringing there was probably a lot of neglect. It's helpful to understand and have empathy for that she might just feel unloved/not paid attention to in general, but that you also aren't the right person to give that to her outside of what's expected of a sibling. She may be looking for a caregiver and you aren't that. So given what you've shared and your age, you really shouldn't be blaming yourself, it's tough enough to try to figure out your survival situation, let alone not being in a nurturing environment.

It is totally is possible, sometimes affected by your survival situation and what is in the realm of possibility at that time. You could also technically have more than one "LP" at any given time if we're talking in terms of manifested roles/careers, though the focus will of course be more diluted. It can definitely be confusing especially for outsiders who might see you as flakey but don't let that determine what you truly would like to pursue any given moment/period, and eventually, you'll figure out something that sticks more than others and snowballs. This ^. Switching to how you view the changes with your LP makes a difference.

@kieranperez Thank you for the recommend! Yeah I am leaning towards Peter/Brendan's as well, that's too bad though that Peter doesn't lead it much anymore... darn, all good. Yes I guess you get out what you put into it.

@Butters No it's not okay what he's been doing and continuing to behave like a child and not the adult you need him to be. You do not have a responsibility to change him. You have the right to want empathy and understanding from people close to you. That said unfortunately you can't wait for him to miraculously change one day and be different towards you or feel regret about the past. Now it's important that you get to grieve your loss of never having had the father you deserved. And you can still love him but the highest love does not necessarily mean continuing taking his shit. In fact, in some cases the highest love is to show him that you do not tolerate such behavior any longer and you're not afraid of a "break" in the relationship if it comes to it (ie, it is negatively affecting your mental health and other goals in life). I'm not advising you to go no contact or anything that's a very personal choice based on many things, but you should be able to not have to see him if he is being abusive towards you and this is totally okay and healthy to do. I hope it works out for you.

You just do! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

@LastThursday yup exactly, can't do much about it if you don't know. I think there are folks out there who think you can do some technique to help you remember but I haven't looked into it...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and a bit trapped by circumstances. It's good you're acknowledging where you're at and that you are doing your best to take responsibility for yourself. I don't know if I would use the word "exploiting" when it's something out of your hands right now and you're doing what you can to become independent (and contributing with what you can). Like, is your family saying stuff like that to you besides your sister? Maybe she feels like you're taking something from her? Sibling dynamics can become competitive. It sounds like to me you're doing the best you can and know where you need to be going, and there's nothing wrong with needing some help in the interim from your parents.

@Someone here I like doing a bit of dream analysis it can be helpful to uncover some stuff you didn't know about yourself, as ego consciousness I mean, still can be helpful if it is something recurring.

A more extreme case.. but a lot of music teachers in my experience are like this, not as brutal like this but the tendency is there, esp in the classical world, sadly. Also reminds me of the dad in Shine.

Happiness tends to move upward as you expand your consciousness. I'm not sure how based on the descriptions those people are internally or how much they've integrated each stage. In Tier-II it's more like peacefulness/equanimity as the baseline no matter what your outward situation is, which is a giant step. But in Tier I you can still have pretty happy people or those on the verge of suicide.

Sounds like a good plan.

If there's doubt in your mind that you may have regrets it is probably better to pursue those things you desire than bypassing them. Yes, there are different schools of thought on this but my own philosophy is to do what feels the most right to you. You don't have to be a selfish ass either, it can be a mutually positive thing, just stay conscious as much as possible that'll help. PS, wasn't sure if I understood it correctly, if you had no interest in career but do have interest around dating, and you're wondering if you could do that without the career?

@Hugo Oliveira I'm sorry you're going through this.. it sounds very lonely to me. I have similar struggles. Do you feel this way with crowds or also with one-on-one interactions? Do you find it hard to open up more or be yourself? Maybe worrying about how it comes across, also possible that you are able to be very present for others but they are not for you, so the disconnection. As well it's possible you didn't receive attunement and connection as a child, this can leave a chronic feeling of disconnection and not able to find it.

"Good" and "results"... Is what one perceives as good or not good or what is meant by "desired result". I say that truly because... Meeting strangers through apps still helped me grow in some ways.

@Nadosa Yes but I meant that he was on the verge of suicide and the awakening changed all that, which might not be for some people. I can't claim to know all the details though.

The keyword is the 'no' or 'not'-mind, or without mind. Mind can be thoughts, feelings/emotions, states, body, etc. What is left when you throw those out the window? It's like an open sky without any clouds. The open sky persists while the clouds come and go. Also words are just pointers. The other path is "everything is mind". Words are not great for grasping. Direct experience is what does it.

@aurum agreed, there's lot of pitfalls with self testing. We tend to score ourselves higher than where we actually are. Embodiment on a day-to-day moment to moment level is much more the real test

You can have God realization/awakening while going through mental health challenges which for some people are what put them on the path. And integrating things back to limited self can take time, not everyone can become like Eckhart Tolle in one fell swoop (though also possible), and awakening can also be a very confusing experience to go through by yourself which can exacerbate existing mental health issues, or the opposite and drastically diminish the hold those pre-existing issues have on you. It's just good to be aware that the two can interact with each other.