puporing

Some kind of spiritual connection. Extremely rare to come across though.

@Someone here For me what removed it pretty much permanently so far was working through it with a therapist.. mine was induced by my parents and interactions with them due to my upbringing. In particular, dream analysis where the source of it kept showing up and the therapist intervening with the repeated dynamic in a safe space. I don't know, I very much needed a strong/protective, healthy parental figure to help me get out of that fear cycle maybe there are other ways though.

@Matt23 LoL sorry to hear.. maybe he's just stressed someone might take a dangerous dose after viewing his video... it could be life-threatening... It's good you're cross checking, and glad it makes sense now!

vape pens are all I could find for 5-meo for now... the search continues.

One thing to try is to leave more gaps/spaciousness in your speech, pauses along with eye contact. When one goes on and on about something it tends to come off as more logical.

@blankisomeone Duuuuude, I was in your shoes 7 years ago. And I'm still here now. Yes, it was a great big struggle you could say, and very lonely because almost nobody understands what you went through regarding your family of origin, but loving and reasonable people are out there sprinkled around in the universe, including some of the ones responding to you right now. You can make it. Move away from your parents, move away to another city. Do not let them guilt you about moving away (they will probably try). You have a lot of trauma to then heal from. This healing process does not happen overnight, it takes years of seeking various therapists, self-therapy, reading books, finding advocates (I recommend Daniel Mackler who you may resonate with, Gabor Mate, and the movie Shine to you). Meanwhile, face the practical challenges of life. Yes, you may have to work some shitty jobs to get by at first. But things will get better if you can separate yourself first from your family of origin. I'm so sorry you deserved better parents all and all. Please talk to a distress line person, they're there for you if you need to vent and feel heard.

You could try letting go of the need to fall asleep and just embrace whatever state you're in if this is an option. There's nothing inherently wrong with not sleeping 'enough hours' if your body isn't demanding it. Exercising/exerting yourself certainly could tire you out more. Melatonin, reducing screen time close to bedtime could help somewhat.

Noo that is so far out haha. I don't know about bodyweight calculation.. it really doesn't need to be so precise like that unless you're not average weight. You start on a low-ish dose eg 25mg DMSA and/or 25mg ALA every 3 hours (if you take them together that is, or every 4 hrs if just DMSA). So for me since the bottles are 90 pills I just do 30 pills worth of both per round (that works out to be 30 * 3 hrs = 90 hrs or 3 days + 18hrs). It's okay to do 3-4 days doesn't have to be exactly 3 days. So really the cost is 1/3 of each bottle every round (like roughly 2 * $10 = $20 USD for both DMSA and ALA). Seems like the body weight thing is confusing you, I would get the "Mercury Detoxification Manual" if you're not sure but it's pretty simple math. Hope that clarifies things. Please don't take such large quantities! PS, Feel free to dm me if you have more specific questions.

@Matt23 Just wanted to update that I had not experienced side effects after the 2nd round on 50mg DMSA/25mg ALA.

I think it's just about showing that you care/what you're trying to attract, and that you have a good sense of self-identity which is attractive.

I dig what you're sayin'.

I don't know, we have some pretty hardcore protesting going on now. But at least in my province, things are going to be lifted soon even mask mandates. My guess is government can't afford to have a bunch of sick people on 'free' healthcare, so a more conservative approach makes sense.

Oh, might be a tourism thing, pretty lucky still.

@Leo Gura I don't get how Vegas can be so lax about Covid restrictions, ooof, it's been 2 years of lockdown and semi-lockdown up north .

You're going through a painful moment in your life, it may not seem like it, but you can work your way out of this, maybe it'll take some time to, but accept that you're in pain and be kinder to yourself. Let that voice inside you come out and be heard, whatever it wants to say and hasn't been able to. You're not wrong for feeling pain/sufferring. You're not wrong for being in this state whatever/however things came to this point. It sounds like you have empathy, and that's why you feel so much guilt. You deserve more love not less. I hope you can find some of that here, and maybe a professional who can understand your story better.

Always enjoy reading your responses on this topic. Glad there're others out there that get it. (though I don't mind if one thinks it's "caused by" trauma, maybe "trauma" can contribute to someone playing with their gender identity by being a catalyst to lifting out of one's attachment to bio gender and whatever else 'normative' behavior/way of being, among other things like god realization, it's just a poor/incomplete and possibly not correct assumption depending on the individual).

All those are great. For me the missing link (on top of those mentioned) was unconditional love. I was doing a ton of self-therapy which moved through a lot of things, but in the end, the missing link lifted a massive burden for me in a short-ish period of time. Find a healer/good therapist if that's the last missing piece. Ego-transcendence, working on life purpose and practical aspects all helped a great deal.. however, if your trauma is deep it can be quite gripping and troublesome to let go 100% on your own.

@MarkusR Very relatable... actually studying music has been a pretty lonely journey for me for awhile (not in school just private teachers because I started super late compared to most), at least in the classical world. I was also going through some self-therapy during that time and overall I've come out feeling more whole than ever before. I've recently branched out to rock and people seem way more friendly/approachable in that world. I don't connect very easily with most people in my area, maybe for a short while but there's so little common interests. The city I'm at is predominately very conservative, mixed with somewhat an abundance of artists. I don't watch TV for example and that's a conversation nonstarter . I went to some psychedelic group meet, haven't had luck yet there so far nobody's into spirituality but was interesting to hear their experience. Hopefully with music I can find more self-actualizer types in my area. Happy to see a lot of musicians on here, I would say the forum gives me a pretty good dose of connectedness.

@NoN-RaTiOnAL Very relatable. I'm glad others have raised the possibility of an open relationship set up. You could try that but keep in mind she may not want the same so that would be the end of your current one (stating the obvious), but maybe she'd be okay with it too and explore as well if she wanted to. And yeah even if not that prob best to talk about it with her so even if the relationship ends she knows it's not something she did..

I'm sorry to hear that. Leo went through something similar. Maybe you could try making a post here and people will respond see if that gives you some ideas about the gut issue. There're many varieties but I generally like to link it back to your emotional health (they're tied closely), on top of things like diet. Almost all my health problems were also contributed by stress and chronic depression/anxiety, though I don't know about yours. Yes that makes it extra challenging, it's like another unexplainable health condition. That can be so many things and tied to low moods as well. With unexplainable health conditions, you could try a process of elimination, by first correcting what you can/in your power to. Eg, I found supplementing helped, tracking my food/nutrient intake with an app and seeing what you are missing (Cronometer), if you feel unmotivated smoothies are easy to make semi consistently while getting some vital nutrients in. More recently I started heavy metal detox. This took many tries.. mainly just reading someone's profile and getting a sense first. But even the ones who weren't a good fit helped a little along the way. The right therapist for me was someone who was completely on my side when it came to my upbringing (or about 90% of the time). Overall though much of the work was done on my own. I followed people like Daniel Mackler who had very similar upbringing as me. Finding people who advocate on your behalf (whether it's virtual or a therapist) will help you heal. Being brutally honest about what went wrong in my environment.. and slowly taking my power back over the situation I was in. That makes sense, sounds like that's also contributing. I'm sorry this all puts you into such a rut and hard to get out of. It sounds like the next logical step is to remove yourself from such a negative environment over time. Maybe this could give you something to look forward to as well.

Chronic health conditions will contribute to depression. I would look into finding solutions for this first, it also puts you in the driver's seat. Is it something doctors can't help you with right away so it feels kind of hopeless to you? I def had a very low point of my life while having chronic health problems with seemingly no solutions to. I sought out alternative medicine, whatever online info I could find. (side note if you're interested I recommend Gabor Mate's book on "When the body says no"). I understand, I think it's usually worse when you're also going through depression (at least in my experience), coz you're just wanting relief from the low moods like a drug. Um, I know I hated this advice when the docs gave them to me, but exercising did help a bit, so did working on something bit by bit (for me was playing an instrument). And then it was finding the right therapist because I had long-standing unresolved pain (had depression on and off for about 10 years), then I would say socializing more helped a bit too (does have ups and downs). Slowly if you try to do small steps it'll restore a sense of hopefulness again.

You may be trying to cope with an unresolved pain that you've dissociated from, apart from just biological urges that are not fulfilled. Sounds like you could use more socialization as well as figuring out the source(s) of your depression. Was there a point in time you could recall that you would say first triggered your depression? I would look into that if it's not already clear to you what's causing it. It's also possible you're going through a nihilistic phase, hard to tell without knowing much about you. Don't shame yourself for having those urges, accept it for now, and just see if you could find other ways to meet them that are a little bit more balanced than it currently is.

Yes I think really have to search in your heart what you want, what's important to you. It was really obvious to me during my university years that I have to rush through my degree (no exploration which would've otherwise liked to) in order to get out of my parents place asap, with little to no savings. Got by.. wasn't easy, but the alternative was being stuck/unable to 1) know who I am on even an ego level 2) continue to grow on my terms and not continually be dragged into crap I cannot solve. You have to be able to see that it's not just physical attacks, there's a strong psychological effect it has on you.

No I just started at 50mg DMSA, think I was reading it in the book that it was okay to start there, but I guess if I were to recommend it to someone 25mg is what I'd go with.. and everyone's different with sensitivity.