puporing

You have to tell them somehow eventually.. things like that you want to be left alone, live your own life apart from theirs, that you struggle to relate on things, will see them from time to time to the frequency that you're comfortable with. Yes it can be very hard to talk about this and bracing for their reaction especially if you came from a culture where this is deemed "taboo". But sounds like it's not sustainable for you to not say anything either.

It's pretty common with women who had trauma and not healed this yet, and wanting safety first and foremost (ie through committment). Also a ton of conditioning around this. It's not your fault or her fault or anything. Just a bit of a tragic state of where humanity is at mostly right now - where most people are acting from a highly insecure place - trauma, lack of quality connections, loving presence, self-realization etc. I'd say.. try to be gentle on her in your heart, and to your desire to explore as well. I guess it does help to be a bit more explicit somehow from the start - saying things like: I am still exploring, not sure about a long term thing yet but seeing how it goes, but I do feel (this) way about you, I am hoping we could have a nice experience together...etc. Just being honest helps because some assume something long term right off the bat (it seems). It's better to communicate this and you're learning from this experience - than to "accidentally" get someone's hopes up and then you have to clean things up.

What is in this "Matthew" experience that you want more of? Look into that some more. And also love yourself more. Matthew needs love too and that is also part of your expansion/growth process. Don't skip over it just for the sake of getting into expanded states! It's calling to you for a reason. And then you can choose to zoom out and exercise that muscle whenever it feels necessary/helpful to you.

Not to be a pain in the ass but you don't need psychedelic experience to transcend ego, mental models/constructs, even god realization, and most of the things mentioned. You can get very far through sheer will/deep questioning and being with "discomforts". ? Anyway I think you're doing great : ).

I didn't mean as a "negative" when I said no one in your life gets you/it. It's actually perfect and all good (deep down), and yes one is at peace with where people are at usually. You can empathize because they are where you've been. Being occasionally frustrated is also okay and just part of you trying so hard wanting to "help" someone see beyond/grasp something truer, and relieve them from their suffering/limited self. With a balance of accepting people where they're at. And occasionally/often demonized/misunderstood for what you say especially when it's very divergent from the mainstream paradigms. But this all could be done a bit automatically and doesn't need to be some "plan". You could also have a bunch of awakenings and continue life as it was (externally) or that seems no different from the outside. All depends on what you're called to and choose each moment. Also you can have awakenings but still blind spots in certain areas you're not willing/ready to deconstruct..yet.

Well at the end of the day it's all a model and words. It's helpful to see the potentials and possible roadmaps, but not very helpful when alot of attention is put on "getting somewhere" instead of where we are now. What directions do you want to go into? What excites you now? Is it from a genuine place or conditioning around me? (Not asking for your answers here, just pointing). Those are the more important questions for me each day. You should trust/listen to that voice in you, more than what anyone says here. : ) And then just go live it! With no apology for the path you're taking.

@Eyal Bor It's possible to find someone who is open to/wanting that structure of a more open arrangement while spending whatever amount of time is needed together on this path. The key is that it coming from a genuine place of love. The thing is if that's what your heart genuinely wants/have discovered (because you know you want to be open to self-growth and experiencing and learning from other entities), strict monogamy (when forced on you) would not feel right and probably won't last very long.. unless it was something you know was just for a period of time to focus on this one person that would help you with your growth and self-realization.

Well... What are you going to lose from just trying it out? You'll be okay I promise ?.

@Eyal Bor Well, consider the possibility that it is in your hands to "figure this out". It's often hard to differentiate what was long term conditioning foisted upon us vs what our true and empowered selves desire. By long term conditioning I mean things like the social matrix, the adopted insecurities from childhood, internalized shame and guilt, etc. There is a possibility of a more empowered state from which we can love and relate to others. But this you would have to contemplate for yourself and deconstruct to where you feel comfortable with. I guess I'm trying to say, you are free to choose what style of relating you ultimately want, regardless of what society operates on (it may be more difficult undeniably if what you arrive at falls outside of the mainstream paradigm). If this is all going over your head just ignore what I said ? and trust the process.

+1. ?

I recommend a therapist if you can afford that. If not... Yeah it's a tough one coz I didn't get out of it on my own. It is hard to find a healing relationship outside of therapy relationship because therapy is about giving you the healing from a trained professional (as opposed to two way in most other relationships), and in this case a very specific kind of healing you need. Sorry if that's not much help but this really helped me go beyond it and I no longer have panic attacks and nightmares about my mom, it's why I keep saying. ? Maybe there's a way to do all this through journaling and introspection/meditation. But I still feel like therapy in combination with those things made it more efficient. Spirituality alone I found was not enough (unless you're really gifted and just able to zoom out of your whole history and the story of you), maybe if you had access to psychedelics that could work similar to therapy, but right now seems to me you need something more specific to you and your past for this.. Finding a good therapist was also a kind of a process in and of itself (not encouraging) but I did eventually find a Jungian psychologist who interpreted my dreams.

@Matthew85 Do you think there might still be some lingering shadow stuff to work through? That stuff is sticky sometimes.. I know I still have some to move through and can affect me in ways that feels "out of my control". When this happens what often helps me to "get back" to the expanded consciousness is to get outside, take a walk or drive, notice what's around me and appreciating the perfection of what's around. It sometimes immediately can snap me out of the zoomed in "perspective".

Just remind yourself again and again and again when you fall back. And notice ultimately that it's a choice which "state" you choose. So maybe sometimes you do wanna just be Matthew and forget about the other stuff. Also the question always arises for me is... Where others are at when you interact with them and go along with their stories... It's a weird feeling where you have to act a bit.

It's a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it.

I don't even. ???

Ok reading what you wrote it seems to be a misalignment of what you internally truly want for yourself (that you enjoy being with yourself so much because you're in a blissful state and don't actually need all this distraction that don't vibe with yours! And only want those that do vibe on your plane), with your conditioning of what it is an expected behavior from you from "others". Start to accept that fundamentally you have changed so much that this conditioning is not serving you anymore. And that is okay. And that you could find people who gets where you are at. It may be more challenging but that's because you've grown so much and most do not dedicate themselves to self-growth and self-realization. Sounds like the living situation isn't helping so you may need to reconfigure this. But yeah.. not vibing with someone and spending tons of time with them I consider this "work"/charity.

Hey thanks for sharing this. I agree with what he said here - the goal of unconditional love with another and "voluntary committment"... that ultimately you just want to be in awe with God/yourself. He's such a troll... "It's actually, the most, truthful lie for you" rofl I can't even.. ??? But yeah do agree with knowing where you are and still need (in terms of relationships) and not just skip this process..

Maybe there’s a possibility that you misunderstand his intentions because you only see what is on the surface of what someone presents. But I can’t say more than that.

He’s just gonna tell you to do more 5-meo or mushroom trips until you get it ?, probably.

Just look at the price tags alone tells you alot. I don’t know too much about Shunya’s case tho. Same is true with psychologists. Tends to be the more conscious ones who charge less/sliding scale.

Thanks for the suggestion! ? I don't really need a group to meditate with and usually prefer to be alone for that. Was just saying if the goal was to meet likeminded people, the price tag is too high (even just travel and hotel lol), and that's not what those retreats are supposed to be for anyways.. But yeah, I think just keep doing stuff that speaks to you and you'll find your people. We're just on a "hard mode" ?. Like this forum is one of the ways.

Sounds like you're not enjoying yourself there or it's not a 'give and take' situation. Might have to be firm sometimes and state you're only available for such and such.

No luck with that. I may go back to the psychedelic meetup group again.. but last time I went nobody was interested in spirituality, mostly in mental health and having 'interesting experiences'. There's just not many of us out there. Meditation retreats are too expensive for me.

Yeah I get a similar feeling. Being tired really takes a toll.. I struggle with this too.

Um... hard to say. Maybe the limitations of a forum. And more high quality content.