puporing

Toxic spirituality (combined with toxic masculinity): Getting lost/trapped in suicidal thinking and nihilism when it comes to spirituality, thinking that it is the "highest" one can go, and pushing it on others as the highest truth.

Just took my first 15mg of 5-meo-dmt, rectally. I almost died (at least that's what it felt like physiologically) and thanks to that I knew what was happening to me that kept me fighting my way back to life. I kept repeating the words "time is on my side" in full blown panic, having faith that it'll pass through and that I will "come back". This was not an "ego death" please don't conflate the two, I have experienced plenty of ego death from mushrooms before. This was something else entirely. My body simply could not handle it in this pure form (and too high a dose for me) it seems and it went very quick the way up, sent me straight to shutting my body down (freezing me up, losing awareness and ability to breathe) and into a full panic mode. I vomited hard for some time and struggled to stay conscious/aware so I can keep breathing. I was being pulled hard into "unconsciousness"/blackout (due to the insanely high state of consciousness it had thrown me into). I don't know what would've happened if I didn't struggle to stay the hell alert and let it work its way through (a combination of non-resistence and fighting to stay conscious). This was a lesson for me personally and not to poo poo on things. But it was quite serious and I think people should exercise caution and definitely, definitely go with a much lower dose to try if they wanted to use research grade chemicals. Personally I will stick with less pure forms from now on in the forseeable future (ie, mushrooms). Not going to lie, happy to be back, it's making me appreciate my life alot more already. ?

I don't have to do anything I don't want to do so you all can stop pressuring me. I don't post all my realizations online for y'all to verify. I have shared not even close to half of my trips. So you all can stop assuming things about me. It's getting obnoxious. Clearly you're just interested in some ego game and I ain't playing that game. That you claim you have dissolved your ego is the biggest crap when you're still so interested in engaging in ego amplification.

The relative value of you living a good life by example is most likely going to be much higher than simply voting. That said it's also not super difficult to cast an informed vote.

Doesn't have to be some grand thing, like you can just start with small steps that you can manage, little bit at a time that aligns with your health situation. Don't need to compare with the top achievers, but just moving a little bit towards something can feel good and get the ball rolling.. There's really nothing wrong with just doing a good job at any mundane thing, being someone with integrity, turn yourself into the unconditional love that you seek (as much as you can mange to)... the basics you know, and maybe that's your starting point, sounds pretty good to me already. And the panic attacks that's something you can heal too. I'm not sure what's causing it but you can dig deeper into it. I used to have panic attacks. I no longer have them. The worst now is maybe when I go on trips whatever is in my environment with similar dynamics that created the trauma gets amplified and can reactivate things, but also a chance to dissolve them when it happens.

It's one of the tools, depends on what your goals are. Can also just meditate anytime as you're "doing things", make your life into a meditation.

Ah yes might be, I have this in my right foot.. you can get an ultrasound to confirm (but I guess it's not "free" in the US). It's often repetition, overuse, bad footwear (like heels or too small a size) and genetics/anatomy. Is very hard to get rid of it. I had to change work. Looser footwear with wide front helps, and supportive insoles if you can't afford orthotics. But yeah you might have to do something that doesn't require standing/walking for so long...

@Raptorsin7 Sort of, that's where the 'activations' feel like most of the times, I feel it in the back of my head too sometimes, and full body ones. In this case it was indistinguishable lawl.

@Raptorsin7 There was a build up but it was very fast in relative terms. This stuff is all still experimental, so I cannot really say conclusively. I just trusted my intuition as things unfolded. I mean what's physical is also non-physical so talking about this can be challenging. If I try to describe again it was like a super condensing of energy in my head area and body, that was way too dense (like my skull was gonna crack open) that made me lose awareness (I would say up to 80% of my awareness). And I honestly can't say for sure what would've happened if I didn't try to maintain my consciousness. I am okay now. Just did another mushroom trip to confirm some things, seems like my baseline consciousness has mostly "merged" with the "heightened" consciousness (except in subjective terms). At least that's the direction things are headed now.

Not entirely correct. Before I entered the state of awareness shutting down/body shut down I did get a taste of the dissolution of self. It is not that different from mushrooms at least on this particular trip, that I merged with everything and am no different than the bed or table. Maybe you guys just haven't had that on mushrooms who knows.

The "it's never enough" when it comes to psychedelic dosing and peer pressuring people to take more and more and equating it with more spiritual enlightenment, ignoring individual differences with sensitivity and safety considerations.

@Thought Art Thank you..

@Thought Art I have looked before (your link is not working for me), still doesn't diminish what I experienced.

@Thought Art You're still gaslighting me about ego death. It was not my ego dying (that part I have literally zero issues with). It was my body shutting down, my awareness shutting down, and my experience of that is valid, and then fighting for my life was valid. You can interpret it however you want but don't go around spreading it as some higher truth than my experience.

Well your experience does not trump mine, and by starting with your own experience you're dismissing mine. and you did start with : This is a complete dismissal of what I described in the original post. I did stand my ground this whole time and that's what I am doing right now.

Maybe start with that next time when you don't know. That's not okay to just throw it around like it was what really happened, that's your projection onto me.

You're the one who keeps coming back when I said to leave me alone. Seems like you can't get over it.

You did not start with all that, you started with debating about "ego death", wtf? And now because you edited your posts you are claiming you did no such thing and we're just "demoninzing" you? That's some twisted shit. Ask yourself why you're creating this drama and no one else has on this thread, you think you had nothing to do with it?

@RMQualtrough yep.. just comes in here and gaslight the shit out of all the other trips I had and this one. And expects me to act nice about it? I am not fooled by someone's aggression disguised as "help". Classic manipulation game.

@Thought Art again, you've been trying to downplay and dilute my experience over and over. Not a good way to start a discussion. I was not just "struggling to breathe", I was hyperventilating (like suffocation) and my awareness was disappearing. Of course you're just gonna downplay this also. Nice try acting like a victim. I am done talking to you about it and one more time please leave me alone.

@Thought Art You're totally missing the point. I said it was not just an ego death. Why are you still talking here?

How many times do I have to say it? It was not an ego death trip. I have died plenty of times already but still functional with my body for the most part (let alone the ability to breathe and have awareness). You're just diluting my experience. Please stop and leave me alone.

@Thought Art I did surrender in the sense that I let it work its way through. But I wasn't gonna let it just take my life like that. Of course you decide for yourself in those moments. In this case it felt like if I didn't fight to keep my breathing I could really be gone, and that's not what I wanted.

@Thought Art no it's not simply ego death with this one, was a physiological thing. But whatever not gonna debate you here. I didn't go on that trip to end my life you weirdo. I am not suicidal by any means and that's not why I do psychedelics. If you don't got anything good to say best to not say it to someone who just had an NDE. I didn't post this for someone's empathy, simply to tell people this could happen if they're not careful with dosages. You are welcome to do your own thing than wasting your time derailing someone's thread.