Samantha

I am about to hit my 65th birthday. In some areas I have developed a lot of mastery although I am not so well centered in what to do with it. A very different area calls to me and has for a long time now but been denied which is visioning and spreading vision and building community of a vastly actualizing for as many as possible technology positive and wisdom laden future. At the least I believe I have a book or two that is important on the subject within me or that the forge of practice can produce from me. My challenges include my age. It is hard to take seriously a 10-20 year plan at my age. It feels more like I need to do all I can to get this aspect of what I can give the world out there as best I can with what I have and what time I have. I haven't done good mastery. I have been a hack too long with more than good enough skills for survival and making decent but not stellar money to be really easy. Too easy. Too easy to not challenge to go further. As a result I don't have financial freedom or some other things I want and need. Sorry if this is rambling but what does someone like me do? What parts of timeline expectations should I toss out, especially if they seem disempowering or an excuse to be "well I blew it and it is now too late so too bad" sort of victim like some of my friends who are my age?

I have a problem with that advice. I see the world starving for some things I believe I know how to provide some sustenance for. I also have a problem with what feels like implied ageism and assumptions about how long people can really make a difference. I feel like there is a subtext here of "you are old. So pack it in as far as making external difference.". Which may be right and may not. Particularly as much of the entrepreneurial and caring energy of the world turns to longer and healthier and more effective lifetimes (anti-aging etc.). As we awaken we see burning needs in the world and compassionate drives us towards doing what we can. That is Big Boat view. I have done Little Boat spirituality. It is indeed wondrous. But I don't think it is full heart. One of the things I feel is most needed is bridge building between scientific/technology/materialism and spirituality, between deep appreciation and being and such an explosion of becoming possibilities. In a world that seems to be fragmenting even as so many more possibilities are becoming near term realizable the world is starving for unifying vision and deeply grounded hope. As I get older the deepest yearning is to get the best I have in me that may help out in the world while there is still time. While I am chatting I sometimes feel you have too macho if you will a view of human fulfillment. My intuition is that your overall view is just one way and one cut across much input material. And with all love and respect I wish you could learn to be a lot more concise in your presentation in videos.

One thing I don't get is why I should give a shit about being "world class"? If I have found my purpose and I pour my life and love into it and burn the dross happily doing it then why the heck is it important whether I am the best in the world at it? I mean shouldn't be a source of joy if some people are even better at this thing than I am? Isn't it pretty much an ego game to seek to be Numero Uno? I really don't get why there is any accent on this.

I haven't found the name of the book yet. Which one is it. I have look around the 200 book collection but am not sure which book is meant. I was in Ananda for some years and have read much of the SRF materials. I would much appreciate finding a deeper close to the root of the tradition book.

Very normal. These kinds of things are reported in many meditation traditions. Let it flow without worrying about in - neither forcing or inhibiting. It will find its own balance if you let it. It was not so worrisome to me. But then I am prone to move rather oddly when just thinking deeply.