Crane Bahnsteik

Well, i became apathetic and lost all motivation in life, relationships didnt interest me anymore, orgasms were anhedonic, and i could barely leave my room without feeling very severe anxiety, i lost verbal fluency and the ability to make decisions, like ordering food at a restaurant for example (i would just look at the menu and couldnt decide), and also got post orgasmic illness syndrome.

What you resist persists. Sit down and let your thoughts consume you, but instead of focusing on your thoughts focus on your emotions, when i say emotions i mean the feelings you feel on your body relating to those thoughts (the knot in the stomach, the dry mouth, the fast heart rate, etc), stop resisting the sensations of the body and fully surrender to the discomfort. The thoughts keep appearing because you are resisting the underlying emotion, no one can handle intrusive thoughts, they spawn by the thousands, but you can handle the knot in the stomach, the dry mouth, the fast heart rate, and so on. By resisting you become the victim, but when you gather the courage and face your emotions head on you will stop being the victim and you will be able to deal with it. With practice this will become automatic and you will be able to apply it immediately to every thought. Also, your diet can have an impact on the number and severity of intrusive thoughts.

If i'm not mistaken the mr happy stack has alpha GPC and uridine, from a mood enhancing standpoint they are very similar, but when it comes to repairing some brain functions i believe citicoline is the way to go, and its way cheaper as well.

To let go of our parents is really tough nowadays but it really has to be done, one can only become an individual after doing it. Since we have to depend on our parents to survive until adulthood, this causes you to value them above you, and to seek their aproval constantly so that they wont stop feeding you. This is not always a problem, but when the parent figure is of a tyranical nature and emotionally unstable, you will adapt to it, becoming always anxious and fearful since you never know what might happen next, one day your mother might be happy and cheerfull and the next day she might be randomly wanting to beat you up and scream at you for no apparent reason, and since your degree of self love is generally proportional to the degree your parents love you, this will mess you up and you will always be trying to be loved by her. There is also the fact that the parent figure can become a filter between you and the world, you think with "her head" and "her opinions" because you are afraid of using your own and failing. An example of this would be a mother telling her fairly young son that he should be an engineer unless he wants to be a failure, this will be programed into his mind for the rest of his life if he doesnt become conscious of it, and there are dozens or even hundreds programs like this on each of us. The way out is really to live like your parents have died, symbolically. Understand that your mother is just a person no more valuable than you and doesnt know more than you, understand also that her approval means nothing and that your life is yours to decide, this will be very hard because you will be afraid to do it, but it is the way out. Trying to fix the relationship will not work, we cant control other people, they are as they are, we can only control how we react to it, after fixing the problem inside you the relationship will be fixed and there wont be a problem anymore. Also practice a lot of self love, try to look at yourself from your perspective and not from the perspective of others, create your own criteria and opinions, really take some time to look yourself in the mirror and love yourself, and all the feelings that arise, after all, you are all you have if you don't love yourself first no one will love you.

Yes.

Well, i solved that by masturbating in front of a mirror and really loving the image of myself, every aspect of it, even the ones i didnt like. If you have some parts of your body that you quite dont like, just love them as much as you can while you do this, feel the feelings that arise and accept them as well, this will build a relationship with yourself. This is not as easy as it seems since sometimes we dont even like our everyday image in the mirror, much less while masturbating. By doing this you increase your degree of self acceptance and self love to yourself, and so the need for a relationship diminishes since there is not much to get outside of you anymore. The ideia of narcissism will probably appear on your mind but understand that it is only a construct made out of pride, to love others you have to first love yourself.

Sedona Method, the 1992 videos on youtube are quite good to start, and the surrender technique by David R Hawkins which can be read about on his book "Letting go" (or just search it on youtube), is quite good as well, they complement each other.

Unless everyone interacting is very conscious of the fact that there is no separation and they and the other person are in fact the same, every social interaction will inevitably be a game based on personal interests. It is true that women play games when it comes to having sex or a relationship, but they don't do it with everyone, there are exceptions, they only play games with men they are not so sure about and not 100% attracted to, even though they end up having sex anyway. If you take for example a famous attractive guy, very rarely any women, (shy or not, virgin or not) will play games with him initialy, they just want sex right off the bat and they will be quite aggressive about it, since this is aligned with their personal interests (Aproval, Pride, etc). The games will come later in other forms (Dominance, Control, and so on). Ofc men play games as well based on their desire for sex, status, and control, you can't play a game alone. As a man I used to have sex with women that liked me but that i was not 100% attracted to, I would just be very sexual and kinky from the start and if they were into to it i would have sex with them, this was my "game". Since i was not 100% attracted to the person my interest was only sex, but when I was interested on the person based on my personal agenda, sex would become secundary. Games are a waste of time and not aligned with the true nature of what we are, thats how a lot of bad long term or even short term toxic relationships are formed.

Well, the source of motivation generaly depends on your level of awareness, for example, if you have a very antagonistic world view in which you have to be better than others, your motivation will be pride, doing everything possible to be better than others and to win on everyway possible. We can do the same for desire, if you have a strong sexual desire this will fuel your motivation to do the activities that will lead to the satisfaction of that desire. In this sense, the source of motivation is a relative notion based on your current understanding of reality, we can say this varies acording to your genetics, upbringing, social context, and so forth. But going deeper the true source of motivation i believe is to love yourself, all we want is to love ourselves, we are just indirect and unconscious about it and create this limitations "I'll only love myself if i have this person, or this object" and so forth.

@Podie45 I was on a similar boat as you, but i had a mixture of Post-Accutane Syndrome and porn induced ed months after quitting porn, what helped me was Citicoline at around 500mg/day in the first 3/4 weeks and then 100mg or even 50mg daily for a couple of months. At the time i took it quite randomly and didnt research it, but later i found out it increases the density of some dopaminergic receptors, mainly the D2 ones and that it increases the general response to dopaminergic stimuli. If you take it i would recomend cycling it 3 months on and 3 months off, but if you get a very good response from it a long term 50mg daily dose should be fine.

I've heard reading Jung is exacty like that, its a series of ego deaths. Being the ego like a brick wall, by reading Jung you are now deconstructing its mechanism, removing brick by brick, which eventually will lead to its colapse. Ego death can be painful since its a part of what we consider "me" that is dying, and with each ego death we now have to reavaluate our lives and integrate it in our own being. With every brick you remove, there can be a surge of negative emotions that comes with it since you are now realizing what I believe Jung calls your "shadow self", this surge is like a tank of compressed air that was there all along and is now being released, being the air shame, guilt, fear, anger, and so on. Everytime we feel some kind of negative emotion, one of the defense mechanisms of the mind is to come up with some crooked, intricate way to rationalize it or avoid it to keep it down, and so this emotions acumulate throughout life. This release of "compressed air" is what you are experiencing. One of the ways to deal with it is to stay with the emotion, be with it, feel it, accept it, dont try to control or change it, because it will run out, every negative emotion has a limit to it, and if you stop resisting it, it will run out. Whatever fact you discover about youself, a fact is only a fact, its the resistance to the emotion associated with it that brings pain. Hope this helps.