Magic

Emotional twirls happen to us all the time, it's good to learn from them. This is seldom easy - as for me, most of the time I can only observe and I want to be able to do more. Let me use an example: You are going through an emotional breakdown, serious but still not pathological; say a break-up or a relative's death. You meditate, focus on your emotional centre, see your emotions very clearly how they twist and hurl from one side to the other. You can't control them and presumably you should not try to. Sometimes you don't understand them as they are unreasonable and / or illogical. Over time, you see how this gale calms down and you start seeing sun rays of a new day. If you do meditate and observe your emotions, you should know what I have in mind. So the question is: What more than sole observation one can do to get out of an emotional crisis as much as possible? To grow stronger and more conscious? PS. I associate this topic to the ideas Leo describes in his videos of exploiting others to grow yourself and that observation itself is curative. (I can't recall now which videos exactly.) Maybe that's a trail to follow?

@Nahm, nopes (I always try to be as direct as possible :)). A friend suggested to me that being very happy can lead to self-admiration, which I think might be viewed as narcissism. I suspected tendency to narcissism in me, thus I wanted to learn more about this correlation. Quite ironically, not much later she bashed on my happiness so hard I'm still regaining balance, and it's been a month now. Lesson (is still being) learned.

No offence intended. How many of you are happy? I wonder how living a happy life can conduce developing a narcissistic personality. I walk a way of life of a single guy, and I am very, very happy. I am successful in my understanding of success. @Leo Gura, perhaps you could dive into the topic of narcissism in some video? No, not about narcissistic parents, which topic is quite popular on the internet. On narcissistic I.

Strangely enough, Actualized forum has very little content on these topics. Maybe anyone has some experience to share? Afaik, @Leo Gura never mentions it in his videos, does anyone have an idea why? (Though I haven't seen all of the videos.) Maybe someone knows some weathered resources to learn and start working with this stuff?

Opinions and validated resources.

@Nahm, this is what I mean by narcissism in this topic: Prioritising own emotions over emotions of others. For example: "My comfort is the most important. My well-being is the most important. My time is the most important. Everything is fine as long as I'm tranquil. For me to be tranquil my needs need to be met no matter what. I'm fine even if you're not, or less fine." And so on.

From my personal experience, I can tell you one thing that really works, even if it seems brutal or whatsoever low: Start meeting new girls. I bet you're not feeling like meeting anyone new and you just want her because she was so perfect and all that stuff. I know this state. This is your ego wanting you to suffer, give it the finger. Force yourself to spend nice time with other girls and avoid thinking of the ex - remove everything from your surroundings that reminds you of her. After short time you won't have to force yourself anymore. Also, don't look into the pain. Grief-counselling and introspection has been proven to actually worsen the grief in most cases. Stiff-upper-lip attitude works much better, don't underestimate your innate emotional resiliency. I've just recently been through a break-up and I was researching the topic for a month or so, trying out multiple pieces of advice from various sources. This is the one thing that really worked.

@herghly I found the source.

Imagine your perfect day at work and pick an occupation that suits it. If you're addicted to learning, which is just perfect, pick a position in which research would be the main task. But don't discount the financial aspect as money can be utilised to further your growth.

You get it wrong: You'll gain recognition only when you're authentic. Who gets the "recognition", if this is not authentic you acting? (If a like can be called "recognition" at all.) Or the other way around: Maybe it is the authentic you? Needy, insecure, seeking validation and appraisal from people you don't even know, let alone their hierarchy of values. You are totally irrelevant. Whether you exist or not, the reality doesn't give a shit. Acknowledge that and feel how liberating this notion is. I'd guess your issue is vanity. Realise that you are really nobody and your self-actualisation resides solely in your mind, thus not making you any different to the world outside you. Do this and just do good to others, no matter whether they meditate or not. Nothing forces you to feel outside but you.

I have been working very, very hard for last 8 years or so and managed to get a very highly-paid job (top 1%) that I like. One of my saddest moments recently was when I realised that I achieved everything (not only money) I once wanted, and my happiness is sooo fragile. The simplest advice for living a good life I know is to be virtuous and serve others not expecting anything in return. Elaborating, if you prefer science, there was this research conducted for over 70 years on a group of over 1000 people, which have been recently concluded and the results have been boiled down to one sentence: "Good relationships make us happy, period." (Sorry but I don't have the link now - I think TedEx posted it somewhere.) Make the purpose of your life to build good relationships with other people. Not needy, not codependent, etc. - good in an actualised sense. I guarantee you will be happy.

It happened to my just once or twice: I am down and I allow myself to cry during meditation. At the same moment when I allow it, the need to cry disappears and I start to feel brighter emotions. Then I don't shed a tear. Don't ask me why it is so, I have no idea how this works :D. Please tell me if you have a clue :). @MIA.RIVEL, wise words, thank you! They remind me of this: And I have also a great question I ask myself when troubled: "Who or what compels me to grief?" Of course, the answer is always: "I". I agree with not pitying ourselves, but I think we should always take full responsibility for out deeds and consequences, especially the emotional ones. What do you think of the attitude of "Never regret"?

@ashashlov, as I said: By external resources I mean books, videos, etc. - that is wisdom that more experienced people share with us. Not everyone is Seneca. @MIA.RIVEL, and what if these things matter and actually could have grown you more than the rejection? If one can grow from failure at all, as one might not be ready to do so. In my humble opinion this is very advanced skill.

I'd like to quote a fragment from this pretty wise article: What do you think about it? And most importantly, how do you practice joy?

Frankly, it sounds to me like some new-age bullshit, or it's too imprecise at least. Our inner selves are most of the time fucking lost in the woods and we have to constantly look for wisdom in external resources, and only then struggle to somehow use it in our lives. And that's what we do. Maybe some day, through personal development, one can reach a point where its inner self is the teacher, but this point is not even on the radar when you start. When you start, your inner self is the dogma, the close-mindedness, the preacher, the judge, the ego, and so on - you're asleep and you start only thanks to having a gravitational centre that is innate. The self is the source of suffering, so calling it the greatest teacher has to me a religious taint.

@Arkandeus, that's an uplifting response. Could you give some sources, please?

I understand. Leo offers coaching sessions on finding the purpose in life. Also, there are 7 books on this topic in the recommended books list, perhaps you'll find it useful!

@Loreena, from how you've described it, I suppose a lecture on Stoic Philosophy of Life could come in handy. Check Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, who was one of the five greatest Roman Emperors, and complement it with A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy by William B. Irvine. Leo recommends both books in his 12 Free Samples. If you prefer the easy way, go with W. B. Irvine solo. Personally, I can but recommend both books.

I guess you think of the feel of emptiness due to lacking a greater purpose in life?

This is core to the entire self-actualisation idea. Self-actualisation is as a matter of fact the hacking of a brain, if you wish to call it so. Various meditation techniques, visualisations, contemplation, open-mindedness, deconstructing dogma, facing emptiness, uniting with the universe, dissolving ego, use of psychedelics, and many more. Leo talks about it all the time, just follow the channel and you'll see the answers have been piling up for years now.

In one episode Leo recommends Strong Determination Sitting as one of the most effective booster, but also a very difficult one. Nevertheless, there are no shortcuts as by definition personal development is composed of continuous effort and systematic practice. Leo repeats this at the end of every episode. Once upon a time a sage have said that the final achievement will always disappoint you. Don't take the path if you don't enjoy walking it.

@Shin, thanks for sharing. I find the music rather melancholic than joyful... It would rather bring me down, man. But I was there and I do understand you, you have to do in accord with the inside. When I look at my playlist from half a year ago, I wonder wtf, why I'd cherish and grow the sadness and melancholy inside of me with such tunes. I think I was playing a victim. I'm very happy to have progressed, even if it's just a little bit. (Meditation changes permanently.)

@cetus56, great answer, very valuable, should be heavily upvoted. Could you please share some related links?

Yeah, really hard to say anything with such a generic description of the situation.

We first met at a trekking trip arranged by my friend. We spent two days sitting next to each other at the back seat of a car and trekking Norwegian hills. I liked her, she got hooked on me (as she told me later). I knew she lives 700km far away so that kept me rational. The trip ended and we haven't heared from one another for a month, save for a few fb to and fros. After that month she texted me if she can come over. She was having some business meeting near me and wanted to stay overnight. We spent 3 days, 1 more than planned, during which period everything started. We've become infatuated and then slept together. She had gone home with no clear date for next meeting. We saw everything in bright colours, the distance didn't appal us. Not for long. Unexpectedly, three days later another business meeting popped up and she had to come to a city 400km away from my place. So I rearranged my week and went to see her. We talked and things got really dark as the distance between us hit us. It appeared not to be so easily overcome anymore. Things got very, very sour, but we had a walk, went for a beer and everything was back to good, we talked till sunshine again. Next day she was supposed to go to some business party 700km away, but the communication turned out to be so poor, we ended up going together to my place. She left for home the next morning. The moment she left the emotional gale started. It was my bad, because I set expectations. The problem is that I don't know how to treat her. We've known each other for just a few yet very intense days. So I might call her "an unknown girlfriend". I know she cares about me a lot, she has shown me that. I also know we don't know one another too well. I am not needy, I walk my way, but I want this relationship to come off. I don't want to neglect her. I can't find the communication balance here. I tried to stay one day offline, but that had pretty bad consequences, just another gale. Fortunately, we talked it over and managed to clear up the situation, though I feel something is still aching. One positive outcome of this gale is that it really hit me how much she cares about me, even though she tries to veil this every second. I don't know to which degree I should pursue her at the moment to show her that I care and think about her, yet not to come up overwhelming. I don't know if at this point I should still be unavailable to her, or rather show her she really matters to me. In simple words, I don't know if I should "wait her out" or rather text her something like "Hey my Dear, I am thinking about you:)". I am comfortable both ways. Maybe some of you had similar experience and / or can give me a piece of advice? Cheers.