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Everything posted by Matt23
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Seems like there's a pattern here. If there's a pattern that keeps repeating itself in your life, even if the circumstances, people, and places have changed, this, to me, suggests that the problem isn't "out there" but is within you. Try figuring out what limiting beliefs, attitudes, or traits you're carrying that could be significantly contributing to or causing these patterns. You say it's your ADD. Could it be something else? How would things be different if you cured your ADD? Have you tried experimenting and exploring different things to help with your ADD? It seems that you are aware there is a pattern, and that you think it's your ADD. Could it be something else? Like a limiting belief you're not seeing or something? How far back does this pattern go? Did your mom, dad, or family tell you things like this? Dig around. Uncover.
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Do it. Don't trust your fear. Also, it's not like you have to completely, 100% ditch everything all at once to then become a healer. I'd spend some time integrating this, feeling it, do some visioning perhaps. Listen to your intuition. Then make some small bets to test the waters and shop around for something that feels right for you. I dunno, what else are you gunna do? Does being a healer feel more fun, exciting, motivating, and love-inspired than what you had going on before?
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What's your issue in crediting Leo exactly? Why not credit him? What feels most in line with integrity for you? Do that. Perhaps also ask why or why not and contemplate the basis of that feeling. Go for integrity rather than people pleasing or being "cool". Do you want a piece of candy (pleasing others) or do you want power, integrity, and self-esteem (doing what you feel and know to be right)? I'm not saying do this or that. If you don't know what feels most in align with integrity for you, experiment. See how you feel once you make a decision. "Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette." Or rather, sometimes one has to break integrity to discover what integrity is for them.
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It’s hard to just stop it. The pull of the thought is very strong. It’s like I fear that something will go wrong if I don’t follow through on that thought. I think I’m running from getting into a trap. So I try to be perfectionistic with everything I am doing. Maybe the start is just noticing then. This could allow you to be more aware of how much suffering or "issues" this could be giving you. Noticing also times when you're not overthinking and "being" more could give you a nice contrast and thus incentive to do less thinking and more being. I'd also recommend digging and contemplating what and why you think something will go wrong? Try to feel that feeling of fear. When you're feeling it and focusing on it, try asking it questions. Like "what do you fear?", "How can I help you?", "Is there anything you want to tell me?", etc.. You might get some responses. I don't know your situation directly. But for me, any sort of habitual/addictive behaviors have mostly been escapes from feelings. So a key for me is to bring more awareness into the body and start exploring the sensations and feelings that the addiction is covering up. Takes practice and work. Perhaps even just noticing and saying "Oh! I'm over-thinking again" could be a great start. Without necessarily changing anything. And just noticing how you feel, and what effects and things happen as a result of your over-thinking. Also, like I said earlier, being more aware of times when you're not over-thinking can help you realize how much over-thinking could be producing suffering for you and show you possibilities without it. And hey, it could be something like ADD, diet, exercise, heavy metal toxicity. or something completely different too. Dunno.
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So ive had this issue and pattern ever since i was young. I feel like whenever i feel anger to others, or disagree, or want to express something which i think is either unreasonable or would lead to conflict, i dont. Im often too scared. Scared of i dunno...maybe of abandonment. Not sure. But basically, im just getting so triggered at work and in any socializing often that i feel i cant just express and talk through all these issues with others... and i feel like its 'too much'. Ive been trying to just focus on expressing these things even if i think its scary or unreasonable or would get me fired or someghing... but its super hard. I kept some things from a girl at work, and my landlord, resentments and disagreements, and i notice that i just feel soooooo fucking awful in myslef. My heart feels so cold and like a big weight on it. I so fear going to work or interacting with others. I just want to be alone. I guess im scared theyll yell at me or something. I dunno. This also might be coming from a belief that im bad. But basically ive never felt like i could be myself nor form relationships. Even maintaining a job is super difficult ive found. Im 29 and haven't worked in a job longer than a few months at a time. Though i did work for my dad in construction for years... but i hate that and felt bad there too. Maybe that was a bit better since it was with my dad. But these same issues keep coming up. Examples... I was on kitchen shift at my job. A guy, who i feel relatively good with, came in and used some dishes to make a treat for everyone. He said hed wash one of the disges but he didnt or forgot. I felt angry at him ans like he should wash that dish. Other people on kitchen shift usually do all dishes without question, and its like sort of understood that you just do them. But i felt so like i needed to say something and angry about... but i didnt say anything since i felt people would just think im selfish and not a team player, a critique others have sort of hinted and said about me. But i just feel like im triggered and angry so often that if i expressed it all id probably be fired. And like, ya, just feel that its something to do with truama and where i often get stuck here. But ya.... any thoughts or pieces of advice? This is like a huge issue in my life. I feel so dysfunctional here. Cheers.
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Matt23 replied to math159w's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Maybe it would be wise to pose this question to people who've had enlightenment experience, or are permanently there. Perhaps also good to ask people who've had experience both with enlightenment and those who've found their life purpose and see how much each of those has influenced their life. Keep in mind though, it's your individual journey. -
I wonder if your overthinking is really coming from fear. This I suspect. ...? Notice it. Notice the overthinking. Notice any emotions in your body. Sometimes thoughts come as a way to distract from feelings. Feelings that could be the key to what you want. Whether they are painful feelings that, if felt and released, would help you gain clarity. Or if they are fears covering up what you actually do want, or fears about actually becoming conscious of the things you do want. Or... Notice the overthinking. Stop it. Get back to what you were doing. "Hey! I'm overthinking again! Fuck me !" ... and proceed. Trust yourself. Trust your feelings. Notice. Catch yourself wandering into thought. Come back. Just like meditation. = Focus -> Distract -> Reset -> Focus -> ... Do you man. Sounds like you might be helping yourself if you got some of the basics down first. This seems to be a common trap in spirituality, one I know I've gotten stuck in. And still get stuck in when I'm desperate. The trap = Spiritual bypassing real life issues when we're feeling hopeless. ... But hey, I dunno, maybe you would do good becoming a monk too. Renunciate. You gotta make that call. ... Honestly though, I think if you really just wanna stop excessive thinking, it's just like any other habitual, unconscious, addictive patter. The basics being Notice when it's happening. This'll take some hefty practice in the start since you're so used to doing it on auto. When you notice yourself doing it, stop. Bring awareness. Often addiction are escapes from emotions you dislike. So see if you can ask "What thing or emotion am I running from?" and see if you feel that. Be without the thoughts for a bit and get accustomed to the feelings you were probably avoiding. Then it's just a matter of training yourself with this. But do what works and feels right for you. That's my cup every time you think excessively.
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No right or wrong perhaps. Just what feels good and not.
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I wouldn't be so quick to assume you never made fun and judged others. I mean, at least within yourself rather than expressing it outright. I know I was and pretty much have been one to not make fun of others and felt bad about it. But also, the more I've discovered new parts of myself and gained new levels of awareness and ego-strength and worldviews, the more I can see how I could perhaps be just unconscious to those parts. Especially by being in similar environments all my life, thus not being put in situations where making fun of others might be absolutely something I could be capable of. What we judge in others is usually something we judge within ourselves. We all have the capacity, and perhaps even a current unconscious part of ourselves that is capable of that which we think we could never do or be.
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With the example you read above, do you think I'm being "out of line"? I know you don't know me, and that it's also a super relative question. I'm looking for feedback. I know just thinking about expressing how I feel and setting more boundaries and airing my resentments feels soooooooooooo much better and centered in myself more. I just gotta get past the fear of people seeing me as bad and ostracizing me and/or firing me etc.. This is what feels good and awesome.
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Snack eating is probably healthier than cigarettes. I'd just do the snack eating, but then pick healthier snacks and eat as much as I want just to set a healthier baseline you know is better then cigarettes and eating shitty snacks, but which you can do even at your most unconscious. Like I just eat carrots, fruit, dried fruits, potato chips (just potatoes, salt, and oil), etc.. But I can eat as much as I please. Helps when I'm in a really shitty time or having lots of cravings.
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"Do not, my friends, become addicted to being stingy with your political donations!" This guy needs some sun.
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Another perspective from Peter Drucker: "People can be skilled in things that don't align with their values. This is a mistake. If you ever have to pick between what you're skilled at versus what you value, stick to your values."
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Here ya go. Orange vs. Red Lol. But sorta seriously too.
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Hmm... i feel something you say here is true or wise. Though maybe i also disagree with something as well. I do feel that sd is more about something other than intelligence, though it could relate as well. I feel it's more about a significant shift in how one experiences and relates to oneself and the world. Also in how one is able to be stuck to one set of values and worldviews vs. Being able to step outside those structures and views in order to either go to another one or at tier 2, have more flexibility emotionally, interpersonally, cognitively, morally, eetc., to fit one's circumstances best. I think a big part of this is also one's "triggers'' and being able to tolerate/like/agree with others or feeling anger, triggered, disagreement, and conflict with others. Like, if you want to know if you're in a specific stage or not, go to a group or person or even piece or information coming from that stage and see if how you feel towards it. Like i just read a book written by a stage green guy and almost just stopped reading since i felt so angry with his ideas and views. I was like "Nope! Can't handle this right now." Whereas I enjoy reading Buddhism stuff (maybe stage blue here) and feel i enjoy it. Feel things out. Who triggers you? What groups trigger you? What worldviews do you really disagree with or disrespect? Which ideas and groups do you feel easy with and agree with? What types of people and friends do you surround yourseld with and feel good with and agree with? I think this should be a huge clue here. You're like a fish in water; surrounded by those you're similar to. If you wanna know who you are, look arround you, see who you associate with and how you feel with them, wjat types of ideas do you hold?, etc. Keep in mind, people are pribably a mix and could change depedning on their surroundings and life situations etc.
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Matt23 replied to TurquoiseAngel's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Ya, YT premium also allows you to record videos so you can watch them without wifi. It comes with other stuff too I think, but am unsure. -
If he had a bias, I'm thinking... Not understanding, on experiential levels, what people with mental struggles go through. Which he's acknowledged. Maybe a more masculine approach/lens and emotional expression and relating to others, thus maybe not appreciating or really embodying and "seeing through" the more feminine side of things. Though, I obviously don't know how he is apart from his videos, so he might be more "soft'' in his interactions with others and not just how he is on his videos. Though, his interactions on the forum seem to be more hard-nosed etc., to a degree to which I'm felt quite annoyed and pissed off about. I suppose his podcast with that guy he did recently might be a glimpse into how he is relating with others. Less of a heart-centered feel to him I suppose. Though, I dunno, sometimes he's quite heart-centered in a certain way. Hard to divide it up. Possibly a bias towards intellect and the inner life rather than physical embodiment, kinesthetics, etc.
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Though, also, it might be wise (depending on your situation) to not get too involved in the unhealthy aspects of competition. Only you can judge what's the right balance for you. Balancing healthy versions of anger, competition, and fighting vs. unhealthy and toxic forms of these behaviors. Also, especially sports and competitions, sometimes the best way to shut the other guy up is to win. To show him that no matter how much he's trash talking you, he can't get inside your head. Sometimes you might need to fight back too though. I'm not saying just endlessly put up with shit. But I know that if you show that you aren't phased by anyone's trash talk or bullying, then eventually they'll realize this and give up. Rise above it by winning against them. This is what some of the better defensive players have consistently done in the NBA. They trash talk and play so dirty to try and get the other guy angry and pissed off so as it through him off his game. Stay cool.
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Ya, I think conflating Jungian functions with non-duality is hairy and off the mark. I can definitely see why people would think that of Ni though. Being the "guru" function. I just don't think it means what most probably think of it as, and that it is fundamentally different from having mystical experiences. I see it more as picking one pattern out of all the possible patterns and then just sticking to that one pattern, versus Ne which is basically like a pattern collector and sees more possibilities.
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I think that this is a misinterpretation. From what I've seen, enlightened people actually express more healthy anger than most people and aren't afraid to stand up, spit their truth, and not put up with bullshit (as they see it). Yet... and I think here's the tricky bit with anger and confrontation, they do it in a healthy way. This spectrum of anger might help you: Suppressing Anger ----------------------- Healthy Anger --------------------------------- Uncontrolled Anger The two extremes are unhealthy. I was reading a book by Gabor Mate who deals a lot with people who have serious traumas. He says, and I think this is an agreed upon idea in psychology, that unhinged, uncontrollable rage where the person is just yelling and cursing and acting wild, is actually a way to actually avoid confronting the legitimate anger and resentment the person has inside them. And this true anger and resentment actually doesn't look like wild yelling and the like. It can really look just like a person calmly talking, but you can sense their seriousness and that someone or something has crossed their boundaries and respect. So I think it's honestly about being as honest, truthful, and authentic as you can. And sometimes that means letting of some steam. But also notice that reacting with anger often doesn't feel as strong or satisfactory as standing your ground and fighting in a more calm and cool manner. Not saying there won't be moments where you won't need to stand up for yourself and get rough. I'd recommend exploring anger and the expression of it. It seems from what you said that you too much on the "turn the other cheek" side and probably need to go to the other side of epxressing anger, fighting, getting rough and assertive to find a better balance in life. Non-duality and Love doesn't mean let people walk all over you. Because if you did that, that means you're getting shit on and harmed, which isn't loving to yourself either. Nor does it do others any good if you can't stand up for yourself since then you'll be weaker psychologically and not as effective at helping others and showing them what strength and love really looks like. I'd argue that the highest form of Love includes anger. Righteous anger. Fighting the good fight. Fighting for love. Not letting others push your around. Showing them your here. Your here and you're not going away and are worth their respect and attention. Whether that's fighting for a cause: Or whether that's fighting for yourself. Something you believe in. Showing others of your might and will: Or whatever the fuck higher cause or value it is. Whatever thing love is calling you to do. Whether it's a mission or your self-esteem and dignity or proving to yourself and others that you can and are made of something and deserve respect. etc. Fight for that. And don't let others take you down. Fight. For the highest, most inclusive and all-encompassing love. And this includes the world, others, and yourself. Fight.
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I'm in a similar position. Still having difficulties maintaining a job for longer than 2-4 months or so. Worried about getting jobs in the future. I guess tell the truth. Say you were going through some personal or mental health stuff. I feel like, now, more than ever, businesses are becoming more aware of mental health issues. Perhaps not everyone. But it's more of a "thing." Also, there's probably many people in this situation. I doubt it's that uncommon. So don't fret too much either. Sure, it's not ideal. But also, you're not alone. I'm sure there will be work and ways to earn a living no matter what. Good luck.
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I work with people who are severely mentally handicapped. One of them one day, out of the blue, said "Hey Matt. I'm playing a character." I said "Who are you playing?" He said "Myself" and smiled. He's able to talk and have semi-congruent concersations, and even tells witty jokes once in a while. But he is pretty mentally handicapped; he'll often repeat the same questions and phrases, and sometimes it is hard to get him to respond to a question, is bed riden, and needs to be fed and changed etc. Now, I doubt he has that awareness. But the possibility is still there. This also opens up the conversation of how mental disorders might facilitate being aware of true nature. I welcome any thoughts, perspectives or experiences.
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I heard Daniel Ingram (he's an author on Leo's book list. super knowledgeable and experienced enlightened meditator. very down to earth) speak about the difference between dissociation (which is, I think, probably different than depersonalization) and detachment. He thought those two things were often difficult to really distinguish. Also, here's Shinzen Young's perspective on depersonalization-derealization disorder and enlightenment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zIKQCwDXsA I also got a chance to speak with Shinzen briefly. I asked him about a similar issue I had. He said that depersonalization is when the fear or negative states that can come with an enlightenment persist long after the awakening. From the extremely little knowledge and experience I have, it seems to me that depersonlization is almost like enlightenment taken badly. And isn't necessary for enlightenment. They might even be two very separate things requiring very separate approaches to overcome and deal with. In this case, I'd suggest ideally seeing if you can find a therapist who is experience with non-duality as well as the basic therapeutic/psychological models. Michael Taft, according to Shinzen, apparently cured DPDR. So asking him about it might help.
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Here's another resource. David Treleaven is a psychotherapist who is really involved in mindfulness. Specifically, he noticed that, through his mindfulness training, some people with trauma histories were being given poor advice when issues came up in their practice. They would often be told things like "just sit with the pain and it will heal." He noticed these guidings can exacerbate trauma symptoms, and trauma needs to be approached differently in meditation. So he developed this new approach to mindfulness which is "trauma-sensitive". Here's a little clip. And his website. https://davidtreleaven.com/ He's also got a book: https://www.amazon.ca/Trauma-Sensitive-Mindfulness-Practices-Safe-Healing/dp/0393709787/ref=sr_1_1?crid=376PR3SA5YBXL&dchild=1&keywords=trauma-sensitive+mindfulness&qid=1622476226&sprefix=trauma-sensiti%2Cstripbooks%2C233&sr=8-1