Matt23

@Leo Gura Any recommendations? Or just red flags and golden flags to watch out for?

You are a human. Human's have emotions. Emotional mastery, to me anyways and from what I know/see, isn't about reducing or getting rid of emotions. Emotional mastery seems more about... Being able to experience the full range of emotions, even more fully (yes, the negative ones too), yet be ok with them. Experiencing positive emotions more regularly. Not being governed or controlled by your emotions (which doesn't mean getting rid of them or ignoring).

I think you're answering your own question since you speak of the things you struggle. Like when you say you get ocd about analyzing each new understanding. So now that you know the thing you don't want to do, all you have to do is... (I'm gunna let you finish the end of this sentence ). For me, I used to try and take meticulous notes of all the books I read. It wasn't sustainable. Even if I reread and took notes etc., I'd still be left not remembering everything. So now, I just highlight and speed-read. If something really sticks out to me or peaks my interest I might contemplate it for a few minutes. So much more enjoyable, the highlighting enables you to quickly look at all the important bits if you want to come later, and you feel much more productive and accomplished since you're reading lots. Also consider that, even if you just speed-read through, your mind might be soaking up that info. At least in a general sense (maybe not the specifics), enabling you to get an overall sense of what the book is trying to communicate. You can then always go back and find specifics later as you need them. Say you read a book on relationships, then forget about it for a few months. Then, maybe a year later, you get into a relationship and want some relationship advice. You then see that book on the bookshelf and remember "Oh! From what I remember, that book had some good advice. I'm gunna go and scan through what I highlighted to see what it said specifically." It's sort of a Use-it-as-you-need-it way of reading. Find the right balance for you between speed reading and slow reading. If you find a book really relevant and interesting, you may naturally just want to read it more slowly, trying to understand all the things said. On the other end of the spectrum, you may start reading a book and, a few chapters in, realize "I don't like this book. It's boring and doesn't interest me.". So you put it down and start a new one. One way I seem to use in choosing a new book (this way sort of developed organically, which is what I recommend to people; feel things out, trial and error, and just do what feels and works best for you) is that I start reading several books at once, and then eventually I'll sort of feel out which one most interests me and is best for me to read. Then I'll stick with that one and finish it. As for note taking, you can always just try what I said earlier in just highlighting the important bits (you can also put different marks next to parts you find most important, semi-important, practical pieces of advice and to-dos, or whatever schema you want). Then when you finish a chapter or even the whole book, scan through it and try to condense it in your notes to its most essential points. Once you've done that you can also further condenses those points into a short paragraph so it's in a more sentence-story format. Finally, consider reading multiple books at a time. Sometimes I've enjoyed having types of books going at once. Like a book that's more technical and difficult to read, another one that's maybe in a more story-form or that's philosophical or spiritual (I usually like to read these ones before bed, and I usually read them a lot slower; reading like a sentence or a paragraph and then putting the book down and contemplating it for a long while). Nighttime vs. daytime reading. But again, do what works for you. Feel it out. Ask yourself "How sustainable is my method of reading right now?", "Do I want to continue doing it this way?", "How can I make this less of a chore and more enjoyable?".

Do you enjoy it and find it interesting? I'd recommend just seeing if you can coach some people over zoom for free first. Tell them you're trying to get experience. I've done this a few times. It's worth a shot to see what style of therapy and work you like best, or if therapy is even right for you in the first place as a profession.

Hey. I recently started visioning about living in a more wealthy home and making more money. Though it felt nice, I do have this idea/belief thingy that's not wanting to trade meaningfulness and happiness for that. It's also perhaps saying it's sort of selfish. Finally, it's saying something like "I'm worried I'll be taking more from the world than what I put into it / I'll be harming the world more / ... " things like that. I haven't ever been very wealthy relatively speaking. I don't have a solid career going and have rented rooms for basically my whole adult life so far. I'm also seeing how a lot of issues come from not having more money. Things like living in a place that suits me better so I can live more in sanity (noise with others is a big one for me). Also, being able to afford time off for mental health and personal growth, and also just being able to afford things for physical health and upkeep. My body ain't getting younger. Anyways, I know intellectually or "obviously" that money in and of itself isn't "bad" per se, and that this is something I have to dig into myself to figure out and resolve. But I was just wondering what people think of this. I'm also sort of suspicious of this one particular vision of making money as it might be coming from insecurity rather than love and meaningfulness. I also am probably leaning more towards just pursuing meaning and what I love and want to contribute as a higher priority rather than making more money. Which might be why when I envision making more money solely for that, I might feel a bit hollow, or cold or something. Though it would be nice. Cheers to any comments ... except the ones I don't like . Jk, thanks for any input.

The Robocop example where they talk about "Fuck you tribe, I don't care if you hate it, it's the truth" example remind you of anyone...? ... Maybe someone with a bald head that talks at us...? Jokes... I felt bad about that cheap shot kinda. But it's also kinda accurate

Thanks a bunch guys. I'll keep these resources in the back pocket. Totally. I was thinking of doing it after I finish school this semester. Are there any strategies you'd recommend in finding places to WWOOF at? Like red flags n' such? Have you had any bad experiences? I'm in BC Canada, so I suspect many stage "Greenies" ( ) will be involved in WWOOFing here.

Hey. Anyone have any good resources, courses, books, people, etc., relating to permaculture, sustainable agriculture, or anything similar?

I highly recommend this book. Read all of those self-image, visualization books on Leo's book list. I got a lot of motivation from reading Psycho-Cybernetics and just working on that basic self-image and visualization thing. Things like just walking around and creating feelings I want to have in life; like just creating the feeling of already being successful, or of having a deep and comfortable connection with friends/community, etc.. You know Martin Ball? That enlightened 5meo guy? I did a counselling session with him once and this was his advice for me; It went something like... "Nothingness and enlightenment will always be there. Go find your Matt-ness, your you-ness. What do you like to do? What do you enjoy? Things like 5meo-DMT are great for guys like Mike Tyson who already had a massive ego. For them, breaking down the ego was what was needed. Now Mike Tyson is all lovey-dovey with his birds and stuff. He needed that. It sounds like to me you need to strengthen your ego, not destroy it." Seemed relevant to your cause. But then again, spirituality might actually be in line with your life purpose and actually building your ego in a sense. I can imagine things like doing 10-day meditation retreats being great for ego building and self-confidence since they are such difficult things to do. Almost like going through boot camp or something. Building discipline and ego-strength seems to be requirements to building a spiritual life in a sense. At least in the beginning. Ultimately, feel it out. Use your gut. Do what you most want to do in each moment.

Why do you want to be more gay?

Have you thought of things that combine art and athletics? Like dance, martial arts, performing, circus stuff, gymnastics, etc.

Holy eff... this projection issue is like my demon. Am I in the wrong or are they? Should I confront or should I let go? Is it something or nothing? Is it me or them? Who fucking knows? It's kinda hard. I get a sense that no matter what, you'll never be 100% sure without inhabiting the other person's pov. Even then, they could be completely unconscious as to what a part of themselves is doing. Tricky shit. @Leo Gura I'd really appreciate if you did a video on Projection, how to navigate it, how to discern if one's picking up on something true of false, and what to do about it. I think it would be helpful to lots of people and would be a great foundational and practical self-help subject.

Another perspective to consider (I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but it goes with the ethical part of things-- this is something I picked up from Daniel Ingram for advice on what to do on retreats at places that teach specific styles): = Respect and do what they teach and abide by the guidelines set in place at the location where you're doing your retreat. I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I feel that and would be probably more prone to doing it as he advises. Just maybe something of a respect thing and if something happens, they'll have a better understanding of what's going on and you won't feel you have to hide things from them. On the other hand, it could help you during the retreat. I'd probably just stick to doing it sober and as they instruct. But feel it out for yourself. Only you can decide what feels most right and good to you.

Sounds like you have some positive, successful, and constructive stuff going on despite the issues; a business, a house, a car, etc.. Have you tried going to the doctor to get blood work done and just a check-up?

@Nahm does some good work.

Do you think having too many possibilities is making you stagnate?

Spending more time at the same place. Like a rec center, grocery store, gym, pool, taking classes, etc.. Initially you might interact with others with just a "hi". But over time you might get more comfortable with others you see frequently and thus open more conversation and then perhaps do things and meet up outside of that place. Social cohesion = frequency of interections + depth of interaction. ... you can at least start with the frequency bit.

Hmm, I remember hearing or reading something about how higher stages, like Green, still have worries and things. And I imagine even tier-2 folks still have imperfections, worries, and the like. Though, the quality and character of those worries is probably different. Like, a stage Red person might be worried about not being seen as tough, whereas a stage Green person might be more worried about saying something to offend someone else. A stage Yellow person might be more worried about, I dunno... not being intellectually honest, or being inauthentic, or something... Dunno. Are you meaning "insecurities" as a general term that encompasses any sort of fear, hurt, pain, unconfidence, anger, addiction, or the like? Or do you mean strictly as having a negative self-image? Though, these two things are probably intimately related and self-causing. I imagine that yes, even people higher on the spiral do experience all the negativities or insecurities other people do, though probably at extremely lower levels and to lesser amounts. And I could even imagine different people at higher stages having different degrees of negative feelings and thoughts between them. Like take two stage Yellow people; one could experience more self-doubt or insecurity then the other. I'm not sure though obviously. Purely speculatory. I'm basing my guesses of a hunch that many people, myself included, who are introduced to the SD model interpret people at higher stages, like Green, Yellow, and Turquoise, as these god-like "perfect" people without any fears, worries, or insecurities. I'm not sure, but I'm willing to bet that that's an inaccurate picture. They probably have all the same issues as other people do, just they may deal with them in more healthy ways. But, hey, they could be also just really super positive and secure more than the average person as well. Which is also probably the case to an extent. Short answer: no idea lol

Does anyone know of any more courses that help one with finding their life purpose? Books and teachers would be great too, but I'm more interested in courses. Especially if you've done it yourself. Not required though. Cheers

What do you fear or not want to happen if you drift apart from your wife? What's motivating you to stay with your wife and not want to leave? More fear than love, or vice versa?

Thanks As soon as I read the words "true nature" in the first line, I felt this deep feeling in my heart area and sank into that for a bit.

Doing mail delivery, though somewhat physical if on foot, would at least allow you spare time to contemplate, listen to audio books, etc..

Rant: So I'm looking for some feedback about what other people think about this situation and what they think is the best and wisest way to treat the relationship. And also just any thoughts too. I rent a room from a women in her place. We both live together. In terms of Spiral Dynamics, she's like high Orange low Green (a bit toxic and ideological I'd say). In terms of the Cook-Greuter model I'd peg her at Achiever and maybe a bit beyond. Though, she's not what I'd call a top performer or necessarily the healthiest personality. She's nice enough. I often get triggered by the things she says and the radio she listens to and just feel so much that she's also very tied to valuing and being attached to academia, science, and that whole thing. I feel like I often hold back my true beliefs and values and ideas since I feel she'll just disagree and will put it down since she's, in my view, very much in the perhaps toxic green ideology. Anyways, I just often feel so negative with her and don't have many pleasant or enjoyable experiences. She's like nice enough and reasonable enough, and wouldn't I don't think just kick me out. Like she values kindness and stuff. But I just often feel so triggered and angry with her. For example, when I told her the other day "I was listening to this podcast (Ben and Charlie) and they were talking about how there's so much info out on the internet that it's hard to know what's true." This to me is such an obvious and well thought out subject. She said "I disagree." And then went on to say something about "I think you're listening to some bad podcasts and that it's dangerous to question science, like people like Steven Crowder." That's not verbatim and obviously I could be totally misinterpreting what she was saying. But I got angry cuz she just automatically lumped me in with people like Steven Crowder, doesn't have any idea of who I listen to (people like Leo, Daniel Schmachtenberger, Jordan Hall, and other stage yellow peeps). I just hated how she was obviously so attached and indoctrinated into that ideology of "If you criticize science at all you're bad" and like, I dunno, maybe I just felt like she was totally dismissing my P.O.V. Like, she's not all bad and is quite reasonable and accommodating and even feels bad when I tell her about feelings of pain or anger I've experienced in relation to her. It's just these seeming value-system and ideological differences that seem to get in the way. Like we disagree on so much that I just feel I can't say any of my opinions or share with her without her disagreeing and having an argument and me feeling fucking frustrated. I just feel/felt like I have to "submit" to her ideas n such without having a say or being able to get what I believe acknowledged or something. I feel so pained and pissed off and hatred towards he that I even hit myself later the pain and hate was so big. What do you guys think? Obviously I don't enjoy this relationship. I'm obviously feeling pretty shitty. But I wonder, what would you do in this situation or type of relationship? I also fully see how this is probably my own attachments to ideologies n such and being at a different stage of development and value-system. Perhaps lower. I dunno, I wanted to get that out and see what people thought at the risk of looking bad.

I addressed this issue with her. Haha phew... fears overcome. Lots to unpack. Biggest lesson I'm "circling" around right now is how, in disagreements and polarized situations between people(s), attachment and love to one's P.O.V. leads one to perhaps be over-defensive about that P.O.V. and thus when critiques are brought against that P.O.V. they're interpreted as far worse and less reasonable (i.e., they are quickly and perhaps almost automatically straw-manned) then they actually are (i.e., leading to misunderstanding the other side). Thus a fight ensues since the other side now feels totally misunderstood and hurt and angry since the other has demonized their self-image and side and placed a negative self-image upon them (through the means of the straw-manning). Thus a fight ensues. But, through our conversation, we got to a place which felt way less triggered. This seemed to come about from clearing up what we meant by things. Like, for example, I think my biggest issue was her saying that I was "saying science is wrong". Which was a total mischaracterization of my point. My point was that humans use science, science is a man-made thing, thus science is fallible and also isn't an absolute truth. This clarification seemed to really make me feel better. She also said she acknowledges how she did that. I'm not sure how much I felt better from her saying that in particular. But ya. Right now, a few minutes after the disagreement, I feel a bit like staying with her as I feel there's still "air to clear" between us and I don't want to just abandon her and make her feel unsafe from me just leaving after that fight. Like, I acknowledge we may disagree, but like we can still get along and respect each other and be there. Or something. Like it's about balancing the people-feelings with the truth-logic-sayings. I dunno. This last part is a bit more vague to me and am working through clarifying it as I write. Like I also sense there's still something not quite right about this and what was said (or left unsaid). Like, I dunno... hmmm... I dunno, maybe it does have something to do with the fact that she's my landlord. I dunno. Maybe there is something to that. I feel like she doesn't acknowledge that she's not right and that I'm right and that ,,,, haha ,... i dunno. maybe that's it. I dunno. .... hmm like i just feel like she's not being honest with me or me with her and that that is keeping us from connecting and getting back to a place of cnonection and safety in the relationship between each other. Like there's something in the way. Currently, I'm feeling a bit of fear-tension as I feel like we have a slightly antagonistic relationship now (us-vs.-them vibes) and like ya, we're not sharing or there for each other and that something's in the way. I'm unsure how to proceed. Whether I should just focus on letting it go and being with her amicably, or continuing the conversation to clear it up. Even if that means just getting to a place where we feel "good" and safe with each other and not like we're "separated" by some us-them dynamics. I dunno. Like, something in me is feeling like overcoming the us-them dynamics, on my part, would be perhaps impossible without being understood properly and not having us be at odds with each others' way of seeing each other's P.O.V.. Which would include me seeing her too. So I dunno. I digress. Anyways, would love to hear your thoughts on the last bit. Or any bit. Cheers