Matt23

To start it off, one of my side-hobbies is learning more about psychopaths and sociopaths. I think because I might have a bit of a fear and vulnerability in regards to be taken advantage of, but also there's some sort of fascination in seeing how drastic people can be and just seeing the "evil" side of humanity. There might be more videos in this series. But I found it interesting. I also wonder how accurate the diagnostics are in identifying psychopathy. Or even if there is one thing called psychopathy that is an actual thing (like in terms of specific brain, genetic, and nervous system makeup--- which I think is actually different in psychopaths), rather than just a general categorization of personality traits, etc. ( which I think is really how all these mental and personality categorizations really work).

Haha. "You didn't get a good enough score on a 5 minute, self-report, pop-psychology test online? ... ... access denied."

What do you want?

Yyyyyaaaaaa.... haha. A lot of the online pop psychology tests (even "legit" psychology tests) I'm not very confident in and see them as mostly for fun. Especially if they're self-reports. It's so easy to determine what they're asking you and to skew the results, even perhaps unconsciously, in a way that you want them to be. Not to mention how difficult it is to see oneself and one's personality objectively or correctly. Like those times when you can see a person so clearly, maybe something about their insecurities coming through, but they are totally oblivious to how they are. It's just like bias galore.

As do I ... Sometimes it's good to be a little bad. Technically speaking though, I don't think psychopathy is "being bad" or enjoying "being bad", etc.. Maybe it incorporates a bit of that. But from what I understand (especially from this one 'successful' psychopath that was interviewed), it sounds like they experience it as more of just not really reacting emotionally to things. It's like they just plainly don't think or feel that, say, drowning an animal is bad. If the animal is annoying them or is rummaging through their garbage, they have no emotional distress or dissonance in just drowning the thing. They'd just be like "So I drowned a cat? Big deal. It was annoying and trashing the place, so I thought the best way to deal with it is to drown it. Problem solved. What's the big deal?" This one woman told a story of when she had a friend over and they wanted to go bike riding, but she only had one bike. She noticed that her neighbor's bike wasn't locked up, so she just took it and went for a ride. When they got back, the neighbor came to the door asking about her bike. The psychopathic woman replied, nonchalantly and unphased, "Oh. I took it." The other woman started accusing her and threatening to sue her, but the psychopathic woman was a lawyer and just responded with "Well, acutally, if you sue me, then you'll have to go through this huge process and pay all this money, so it would be really unwise for you to do that." And that was that. It's like she has super-human levels of detachment from everything. I actually find psychopathic research pretty interesting. Like, for example, they think that psychopaths have different brain and nervous systems than regular people, which makes them able to do things like be totally unphased if they get pulled over by a cop with a dead body in their trunk and not only act nonchalant but actually feel nonchalant on the inside. Here's the woman where that story came from: there's several videos from her, so you might have to dig to find the video of the story.

Agreed. Though... for me at least, I found working with a therapist wayyy more effective. I felt I could get deeper, faster, and with a lot less effort. Doing it alone felt like a sludge and really grindy. I'd suggest like reading up on it, but also doing it with a therapist first so you can get the hang of it from someone who knows what they're doing. Just like driving a car: having a pro show you how to do it first might save you lots of time and effort. Though, you might find doing it solo is better and that you discover something new you would have never discovered with a therapist. I guess there's pros and cons. But i lean towards finding someone who you like and doing sessions with them till you get the jang of it and see what's possible with it. Then when you do it on your own, you'll have a reference experience and maybe won't get disgruntled as easy.

Yoga studios Festivals Organic and whole food grocery stores (like Whole Foods) Universities (not all obvs) Any classes for things like reiki, acupuncture, breathwork, meditation, etc. You can also search on meetup.com if you just type in the words "green people" .. Permaculture Self sustainable communities The west coast of canada Scandinavian countries apparentlt Austin Texas, new york, west coast of the US, costa rica, ... .... I can't get over how stereotypical I'm being ... it's like racism but with spiral dynamics.

Love it. Such a good tool in the ol' toolkit. Has helped me a lot in quickly transforming and understanding feelings and parts of myself I've lost awareness of.

First dose: Arm pain at injection site. Like I got punched in the arm really really hard. I had this for a few days. No other symptoms. Second dose: Same arm pain. Lasted maybe a day more. More flu-like symptoms the day after. Like just feeling weak and flu-like. No hot and colds though, nothing that severe. Both Pfizer... I think.

Start letting your feelings guide you. Maybe pick times throughout the day when, instead of using your logic, mind, or reasons to make decisions, go by your feelings. Also, spend time alone. Then just ask and contemplate whatever question or decisions you have and then just see if you can feel a subtle sense, a more grounded and "solid"/certain sense of where you should or what the answer is. I think for me, intuition can have different layers. Like, some may say that feeling in general is intuitive. So that could mean like gross feelings and desires you get through the day. But I think the most powerful form of intuition comes from when you're able to sit in silence and pick up on a more subtle, yet more certain and solid, form of feeling. Something that's not like a "Ah! I know exactly what I should do." (though it may be this). But more of a "Hmmm I'm kind of getting the sense that I should move in this general direction...''. Of course there will be different permutations of this, but just try following and getting more access and familiarity with your feelings.

Maybe try paying attention to the body sensations and letting them go wherever they want to go. Maybe even try consciously trying to control them and move them throughout the body. Not trying to control experience seems to be a general piece of advice that is well applied in most situations. You can also try some grounding and/or body exercises: Feet shoulder width apart --> as you move your hands up, you slightly rise with them, as your hands move down you slightly lower your body down and like "push" your body down into the ground (you can even imagine pushing all your thoughts down into the earth). Just do "normal" things: visit friends, eat some good food, go into nature, do fun things. Stop doing meditation or spiritual exercises and contemplation for a while (days, weeks, maybe even months if you feel necessary. W/e you feel is right). Body awareness: experiment with focusing on different areas of your body to see which area feels the best. I'd recommend your feet, legs, or back if you're feeling ungrounded. Anywhere that feels safe and relaxed and good.

Ya. I was looking out onto the water, I had been experiencing a lot of mental turmoil. And then that paper-thinness came and I felt a fear I call the "black abyss'' which I remember thinking I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Not even Hitler. So, I dunno if it was even an awakening experience. I can't even say to be honest. MAybe it was just a perceptual shift of sorts. I wouldn't say I had any insights into myself (or non-self) or anything like that. It was mostly just that perceptual thing. Shinzen said that the three things I described (no self-center (even this I dunno if it is accurate), thinness of reality, and fear) are things he hears often from people who have awakening experiences. I dunno. But then I asked Peter Ralston about it and I think he just said something like "I don't know what that is. Maybe get some help and/or stop doing that." I also asked Daniel Ingram about it and he offered a model which says that fear either comes from: Immediate danger. Which I wasn't in. Psychological trauma: which is quite possible. Awakening: which I don't know. I figure it was probably something between psychological trauma and awakening perhaps. I think this cuz Shinzen also mentioned that some schools in Zen actually create extreme forms of suffering for the practitioners to just force them to abandon the ego. And I'd felt similarly in that I'd been experiencing such psychological turmoil that I began to just "send it" and do whatever scared me most since I felt trapped in myself. Hmm.. rings of some truth for me and experiences I've had recently. Like when making deicisions that I feel would make me a lot happier, yet my baseline and 'normal' reality is way below that level of happiness. So if I went to that happiness, that would really shatter my sense of reality so perhaps I avoid it. Yada, yada, yada though ... though thanks for the convos. I appreciate them.

Things like seasonal jobs. I'm sure you can investigate that yourself. I know tree planting is one, adventure guiding... I think the tourism industry in general is a decent place to look. Like working at a ski mountain/lodge. etc.. Also, you can just do the ol' take on a job for several months and then quit. I mean, one issue may be that doing this long-term may not be sustainable as future employers may not hire you since you've only worked at places for a handful of months. But I dunno, I don't have a resume that's got a lot of jobs beyond a handful of months and I seem to do fine. So I don't know how to judge this part accurately.

I think I've already had an experience that maybe caused some DP/DR. Though, it's damn hard to define these things so I really don't know. All I know is that I spoke with Shinzen Young about an experience I had where I experienced A) reality/my visual feild as being "paper-thin'', like everything was just unsubstantial (suuuper hard to explain it), and B) tons of fear at that moment, along with lots of fear (almost like the feeling like having a bad trip, though not visually) that lasted for months afterwards. He though I had an initial awakening ("seeing the ox's tail) experience and said that it's common for people to have fear, but if the fear lasts for a long time after he considerd that DP/DR. Hard to say.

If you're feeling regretful about it, I feel your struggles. I'm experiencing similarly. The excuse I made was I'm being more balanced. I would just say that if you can look at the choice you made and realize why you did it, and really just examine what's true and not: what's your ideas of what cuold have been as only concepts... then maybe that helps. Though I understand if the feelings are a lot stronger than simply noticing that those feelings are based on beliefs. You at least went with your principles, which I think is a fine 'principle' to go with in life.

Maybe an ashram is a wise choice. But also, consider this. You say your wanting to live for free and have a few hours a day to do your own stuff. My question is; why not get a job so you can make money while also having a few hours a day to do your own stuff? Sure, I can see how maybe living in an ashram might be a better environment, perhaps less working hours, not spending money on food, housing, etc.. Another option, one that I've recently been attracted to, is working for a 3,4, 5 months (however much you need), saving up money, and then taking another large chunk of time off to be completely free to do as you wish.

@Leo Gura and others, I've had this similar experience in the past and recently that I think relates to what you guys are talking about and which I'd like some feedback on. I suppose I think it's similar since I've had this issue and have heard and received advice that goes like "everything is perfect, it's only judgement (i.e., "knowledge of the tree of good and evil") that makes things bad. Yet I still feel really not good, remorseful, and regretful. Basically, I'm feeling a lot of remorse and regret at doing school this semester. I initially dropped my classes, motivated by this more intense feeling that I "shouldn't" do it, but then I felt too afraid and tired of making rash decisions n' stuff, so I signed back up. I feel pretty bad about it. I mean objectively I don't think it's a huge deal, but I felt it was for some reason. I guess I see a connection in this discussion since on one hand I view or believe that this feeling was saying to do something that came from some "higher power" or intelligence or wisdom or something, or just like "I know" and feel I know what the right choice was. but then on the other hand I don't know. I guess I'm unsure of if all these strong feelings are simply my own biases, beliefs, and assumptions running amok, or if they're truthful and intelligent signals. I've been caught in this similar loop many times in the past; where I get these really strong urges to do/not do something, and if I don't follow through with those feelings I feel awful (like now). But, I think often it's been the case that when I do follow the feelings, it's like the "energy" and fear gets more and more intense, since I feel I have to keep on following the feeling, and the more I follow it, the harder I'll hurt if I don't. Sorry if this is a bit off topic, I feel I just want some other perspectives on this.

Your grammar is off on the title: it should be "Nobody has intelligence." ... Seemed ironic to me haha. How then do you experience or know that you're "in contact" with intelligence beyond the mind and thought? Even things like intuition, visions/imaginings, or any other alter-state or thing some people may consider to be from a superior intelligence beyond the mind-body, could in fact simply be the mind. Only, in these cases, it's part of the mind simply disguising itself to make you think it's coming from some alternative source or "higher power". Like, I could make a decision which I intuit and feel is a wrong decision. Maybe because I made it out of fear, and my heart was telling me to make the other decision. Yet, even here, I can imagine it possible that even with all the "signs" and signals, beliefs and pieces of advice and wisdom telling me how to make the best decision and me going against them, that I would have still made the best decision (perhaps coming from some infinite intelligence, or just my own best decision), since maybe I'm not capable of discerning what is infinite intelligence and what isn't. I say this partly since I just made a decision similar to what I described above. I feel a bit bad about it, a little regretful. Yet even so, I'm really just trying to question that feeling; to understand what it's based on, what assumptions and beliefs or preferences and desires it may be coming from. Or perhaps it is coming from something like an infinite intelligence. I dunno. Seems to me like "knowing" in the relative sense, even with things like intuition, is not 100% accurate. As in, for example, most people say to trust your intuition. So then, when we don't, we feel bad and believe maybe we made a poor decision and then act and feel as such. But this whole thing is based on the belief, not the absolute for sure reality, that trusting your intuition is always the best bet. We're even assuming we know what intuition is and what it's not. Just seems like guess work to me. And also, it's fair enough to reason that I could be biased in that I'm trying to make myself feel better from the regretful feelings I'm feeling. But I also think this is a worthy and perhaps truthful line of inquiry. I'm also not saying that I don't believe that intuition isn't a good pointer or a solid "bet". I'm more pointing to just that, it still is a bet. We're still ultimately trusting it.

@Tefikos Fair. I just got back into some courses, so I think I'm just gunna roll with it and do it. I definitely was feeling the self-doubt come into play fosho haha. Maybe I should've stuck with the decision. I dunno. Who the hell knows eh? Maybe by going to school I'm averting some catastrophe I have no idea about, or vice versa.

It's funny cuz I've given advice on this very same topic. Oh how the tables have turned... and how different it on when you're on the other side Anyways... I'd like your thoughts and advice on going back to school this semester to finish off a 2-year diploma in psychology. Facts I have money given to me for school. I can spend it as I wish. I need to finish 4 courses to get a 2-year diploma in psychology, so I was planning on taking the 4 courses, not working, and spending basically all the money on school and living expenses to go full-time. 3 out of the 4 classes I've picked are online. Pros I get a diploma in psychology for my resume. I get education. I don't have to work while doing school (though this could be the case either way I suppose). I get experience and maybe it will help me with a direction in life. Cons From the sounds of it, a diploma in psychology won't go far in terms of getting a job or work from it. I don't think psychology is necessarily what I want to do. I've been feeling more excitement about doing practical things, like permaculture. I could use this money towards other school and certificates that A) might align way better with my values, and B) might be more practical in terms of jobs etc.. I think the education isn't superb, and I could get an equivalent or, I think, probably better education on my own. Options Go to school. Don't go to school, get a job and gain experiences that way. Then spend the money on schooling when I have a better idea about what I want to do. Don't go to school, get a job, but finish the program little bits at a time; like 1 course a semester over the long-term. What do you guys think?

Ya, I think I'm gunna see if I can rescind my drop-out, or complete it next semester.

I see passion as more related to excitement, motivation, drive, joy, focus, play, and enthusiasm. I also see passion as a subset within life purpose. Where life purpose combines passion with also a sense of meaning, love, and selflessness. To me, passion is more about what I enjoy. Whereas life purpose is more about passion + a grand vision + meaningful contribution (a sense of love).

More processing: Went for a walk. Saw the lights of the city down below and thought "I'm getting tired of this shit." haha. ugh. Ya. I think I'm realizing that I don't want to lead a life of so much stress and stuff anymore. I want more certainty. More reliability. Less hecticness. More stability. Less fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of stuff. I dunno if this is a wise mindset to have, or if I'm coming from conditioning and fear. But it's occurring to me for sure. On the walk I also had a sense that I'm not being responsible enough with my life. I know I've heard how responsibility is an illusion, and hey, maybe it is. But I'm simply reporting what I'm feeling. It's like this sense of just not taking the proper steps to get ahead in life. Like maybe doing all this spiritual stuff (in the more "just go with it" kind of approach) isn't really doing it for me right now. This connects with the previous point about me just being tired of living the kind of life I've been living; little stability (financially, relationally, where I live, emotionally, etc.), and ya. I can sense some fear in the feeling of not taking responsibility. Perhaps like I won't create the life I want and continue to live, well, not how I want; no solid career, financial worries, being able to afford my own place and just live comfortably, etc.. Maybe I am and have been living childishly. I duno. On the other hand, I can see how these types of judgements and fears could simply be coming from cultural conditioning. Like "Smarten up!". Which, hey, may be fucking reasonable advice, I dunno. I think my pendulum is swinging towards less erraticism and more stability though. This thought has also occurred to me recently, unconnected with these most recent events. Also, now I kind of feel like I have to "hunker down" and keep on the straight n' narrow. This feels fear based. But also, maybe there's some wisdom in that. I want to enjoy the process though, and not have it be such a "do-or-die" feeling thing. This sense of "getting my shit together" kind of feels unenjoyable. Like, I dunno, I'm thinking maybe there's a way to yes, get my shit together, yet still feel positive and light doing it. So that it's not this big thing. Though, maybe this "hunker down" thing is helpful for my growth.

Ima just treat this like a blog to "air" my thoughts. Maybe starting one would be nice in the journal section. I dunno. But anyways, just kind of processing emotions and thoughts at the moment. Definitely nothing to huge, just a few observations. I guess firstly I'm starting to see the self-doubt come in. "Oh no! What are you going to do now?! What about your future and getting a solid life happening?!" etc, etc,. I mean, I guess I think that the worry part is probably not too accurate since there's literally job shortages everywhere right now. So keeping this body alive ain't probably gunna be a huge issue. BUT, the other thoughts that followed seemed legit (they seemed reasonable and coming less from a place of fear... though maybe still some fear in there). They were things like "I don't want to just be a wage-slave my entire life. I want to actually have a career and build a good life. An excellent life." Then some thoughts of "Oh... maybe I would like to finish this program." Now, I don't necessarily regret too much making the decision I made, as I do think there's value in making a choice and then realizing you want different. In this case in particular, I see my actions as perhaps more justified as I made the courageous choice, I thought about it, I asked others' opinions about it, and at least now I maybe have a better idea of what I actually want, rather than just making the choice from more fear like before.

Welp... I dropped out. Let's see what happens Man. Part of me feels fine, ok, a bit happy perhaps (or maybe excited). This was the courageous choice, if that makes up for any foolishness or 'negatives' that come from this. It felt like I had to diffuse a bomb and I didn't know what wire to cut. I literally pulled out with 15 seconds to spare. haha. ... I hope it goes through Anyhoo, it was the courageous choice. I also did the exercise of imagining this choice from my deathbed. Doing school felt like 'ok', maybe a bit of regret, but nothing too bad. Not doing school I got a smile on my face and felt a bit of warmth. Nothing drastic either way. I suppose this swayed me a bit. This whole thing really makes me question the decision-making process and if we even make decisions or not. Like, was all this emotional hype, contemplation, trying to figure things out, weighing one choice against the other, really just a bunch of dressing on an already made decision? Or is it useful and wise to do all this stuff? I mean practically speaking, I'd say ya, it's probably good to weigh all this stuff. But in the end, ultimately, I dunno, maybe it doesn't matter and that ya, maybe it really is just 'a decision is made' and it had nothing to do with all the other stuff. I dunno. What now I suppose... ? This whole process also makes me think of the Buddhist story (I think Buddhist) of the man who kept on having all these good and bad things happen to him, and the villagers would come to him each time and either say "Oh! How wonderful this happened to you!", or "Oh! How terrible this happened to you!". All he would say is "We'll see." I like that story. This also makes me think of the whole notion of preference, bias, and judgment. I spoke with Nahm the other day to get some guidance and clarity about what choice to make. A point he made is that you can't make a wrong decision. Reality is perfect as is, it's only our judgements of it that make it "bad" or "Good", regretful or joyful, etc.. He also mentioned how it takes practice (I think he mentioned that), which makes sense to me since, ya, if I did go to school and felt really regretful of it, I don't think I could easily just be ok with that since my awareness isn't high enough yet to let it go, even if in truth reality is always perfect etc.. Nahm also mentioned something I liked, which goes something like "Who are we to think we know what's best and not?" ---- Thanks again Nahm ... I think that last session bumped you up to 5 stars This makes me think of how, even though reality may be a certain way, that doesn't mean individuals in that reality are aware enough to see it, and thus need to strengthen and grow themselves up to seeing it. This has a further implication, which I think links it with wisdom, in that, if the previous statement is true (which I think it is somewhat), then the wisdom you give to people not yet awake and then wisdom you give yourself if not awake, "ought" to be different than that given to people who are awake. Since they are two completely different beasts. One is ok no matter what, so hey, what's the big deal or worry? But the other, if they loose all their money and house they will most likely be devastated. I suppose basically = relative vs. absolute truths. With absolute truths not being a prescription for the relative domain Plus, I don't even know if this was such a huge decision. If it wasn't, I'm only held back a handful of months before I can re-enroll and finish the program. In the meantime, I can spend more time figuring out if there's better options to spend the school money on. Maybe a permaculture course, different therapy certificates, maybe a transpersonal psychology course? Infinite possibilities.... makes for a hell of a time making any goddamn decisions! Anyways. Wish me luck, feel free to let me know your thoughts. I realize how the perspective from an outsider looking in can be a lot different than me looking out, so to speak.