hundreth

We're all on this journey to awaken, to become more conscious and live more fulfilled and meaningful lives. We meditate and learn about non duality, idealism, quantum mechanics, spiral dynamics, etc. We have this idea that if we meditate and learn enough about spirituality that we'll reach some state of consciousness which liberates us. Maybe we want to escape, maybe we want to help others, maybe we're just curious. We practice and practice and practice, and then suddenly whenever it feels like it, life strikes and you are completely, utterly, powerless. All of your understanding, moments of transcendence, and meditation couldn't prepare you for what life itself wants you to experience and grow from. Pain is coming your way. All the dis-identification in the world won't save you. You chose to be here in your meat suit. Why would you spend all your days trying to transcend it? I am currently going through a personal crisis, and I'm more aware than ever I'm supposed to be going through this. I've had so much practice and study, I've had moments where I've felt liberated, and yet life has humbled me once again. This is a plea to come back to your life, not to transcend it. I urge us to focus on making amends with our egos, and not to disrespect your personal experience by simply calling it an illusion. We need to be more practical, more loving, more accepting, and surrender. Metaphysics isn't enough.

I read your post and it brought me to tears because I resonate at this time of my life. I know everything will be ok eventually, and I'm grateful. I just feel so angry with myself for choosing this sometimes. Much love.

What are your goals?

I know this is a pretty common topic, but I'm putting it here because of the depth of it. This feels more like a spiritual inquiry than a standard personal development one. Here goes. A few years ago I moved to Israel from the states for some change and met a girl there. We had an intense up and download relationship for over a year. There were such intense highs and intense lows. In the end, I stopped the relationship since it did not seem healthy any longer. I moved back to the states to recover. Since then, I've been focusing on myself, practicing meditation, learning tons about spirituality and trying to work on everything which went wrong for me the year before. A few months ago I did Ayahuasca and this was an amazing experience which showed me I was still hurting over this relationship and still had feelings for this girl. I was talking to her from afar for awhile, we seemed to connect once again, and it felt like we were both working on ourselves. I booked a flight a few months out back to Israel to see her, have a vacation, and visit my family again. Of course in between that time she started dating someone else, and I thought alright, if I get there and she's still dating this guy, no big deal. I'll just focus on myself and have fun there. She ends up having a tough break up with him a week before I arrive. I get there, and while I know the situation isn't perfect, I don't allow it to change how I behave. Instead of being guarded and careful as I used to be when we dated, I wore my heart on my sleeve and loved her. The first couple of nights were great, and it felt like we were connecting again, even though I knew part of it was her getting over her "new" ex. But then things began to tumble. She was constantly bringing up her ex, and comparing us. She was flirting with other guys, dating other guys while I was there. It only took her a few nights to discard me. Even while she's going through a break up, I wasn't enough to keep her interested. This was the most intense rejection I've ever felt. It's like complete rejection, to the core. Here is someone I was intimate with for over a year, talking almost daily, that I flew half way across the world to see, and I'm not good enough to fill her emptiness for more than a few days. I also had the chance to hear the cold and brutal truth that she dated taller men than me afterwards and that I don't compare favorably. Now I'm back in the states, and I feel devastated. I've been rejected before, but never this complete. I didn't retaliate against her or play dirty ego games, but I let her know I was hurting, and that I needed to move on from her. So now we're no contact. I'm trying to learn from this experience and turn it into something positive. Any encouraging words?

Yeah, conceptually I know this. I thought I was embodying this, but damn does that twin flame show you how far you are from really embodying non duality. That's really the testing ground for enlightenment or spirituality, relationships. If you can survive some dysfunctional relationship dynamics, you're progressing.

Thank you so much. I know at the end of the day it's on me to work through this, but I can't tell you how helpful it is to have a reassuring voice to bridge the gap. It means a lot to me. I just had a breakthrough meditation and think I understand what happened. We're all essentially the same, her, her ex, and myself. We all have no idea how to love ourselves or accept love. She says she always finds fault in whoever she's with, no matter what, and her relationships are always filled with drama. When I thought about her, I could see she wanted Jesus and the devil in the same man. She doesn't know what she really wants. Each of us doesn't know what love is, and so we associate pain and mistreatment with love. Before I got there, she was in an abusive relationship, and my loving presence brought her some solace. But quickly this became unfamiliar and boring to her. And so she did what she always did back when we were together, try to push my buttons and bring that fire out of me so I could mistreat her the way she thinks she wants to be. Our relationship was always up and down because that's the only way for it to be stable. Love to take away the pain from the mistreatment, then the love becomes boring, create drama for pain and attraction. Make up sex. Rinse and repeat ad nauseam. Now she tried the same thing, and I didn't react the same way. I simply got hurt from what she was doing and did not retaliate. Spark over, back to thinking about the ex who will give her the dose of pain she needs. And I'm the same way really, why else would I be so attracted to someone who mistreats me? It's just a cycle. Each of us needs to learn to love ourselves and accept love. Searching for pain as love will never be a stable foundation for a relationship.

LSD is awesome. Treat this substance with great respect. Surrender, accept what comes, and always remember it will pass.

This past weekend I went to a Shipibo tribe temple in upstate NY with a few friends to try Ayahuasca. This was the most profound experience in my life and the most direct healing medicine I've ever encountered. Before we arrived we were instructed to clean up our diet, stay away from alcohol or drugs, no sex or masturbation, etc. I personally took this seriously and already felt clearer before I even arrived. Combined with my previous psychedelic experiences with shrooms and LSD, I believe this is why I had such intense Ayahuasca ceremonies even my first couple of times. We had two ceremonies, and I'll do my best to describe each. At the end of the day, the truth is that there are no words. 1st ceremony: We all sit and try to get into a good head space before the ceremony begins. The shaman goes over some ground rules, and we each have to verbally accept. They turn down the lights, and the shaman begins the brewing ritual. She instructs us to set an intention for our ceremony before coming up and having our cup of medicine. More than anything, I wanted to see what this substance had to show me, so I set my intention to understanding myself better. I drink my cup of medicine, my first reaction is that it tastes good. Bitter, but good. Man, that aftertaste is wicked though. We sit in pitch black silence for a half hour waiting for the effects to begin. I do my best to practice zen meditation techniques I've been working on recently. Keep in mind, the shaman is also consuming the medicine. The ceremony official begins when she starts channeling the plants with the help of the medicine. The effects start to come on in the form of nausea and visuals. Meanwhile, the shaman and other facilitators of the tribe begin singing and playing the icaros (melodies from the plants.) A few others around me begin to purge, and I get this feeling that I'm left behind, not receiving any attention. This is when I get my first message from the spirit. "Hold on." I realize others are being taken care of right now. I continue listening to the music, settling in, and waiting. Soon I realize I'm completely entranced by the music, and my body is moving to the rhythm outside of my control. Now the plant spirit has begun to communicate with me directly. She gives me a small task to keep me occupied, to be part of the orchestra. I feel as though I'm an instrument in her band. The energy flowing through my body is immense, and your body has to keep moving to channel this energy. The energy begins to overwhelm me, and I remember I have a crystal in my pocket. I had randomly picked up this crystal from somewhere in the temple minutes before the ceremony began. As I hold it in my hand, it feels like it's burning with energy. I begin moving this crystal around with my hands in patterns that could only come from the plant spirit. The crystal is immensely helpful in moving this massive energy through me, and being completely ignorant to crystals prior to this, I could now understand the benefit as an energy transducer. At one point, I'm tapping on the crystal with my index finger, and as the energy in the room became so massive, my tapping became more intense and those around me began to purge. I now understand, this was her first way of showing me how the process works, to make me part of the band. I'm a small part of the energy field channeling massive amounts of energy through all of our bodies. I begin receiving visions and symbols explaining the healing process. These visions and symbols are representing such complex ideas, but dumbed down in images my child self can understand. Images of colorful Mario style pipes and plumbing systems. She is so personal in her communications, you feel such love. She has such a sense of humor too, you'll be amazed at how she teaches. Such a personality. I understand the cleansing process works as a healing song being played through us. She fills us with massive spiritual energy, and when there's no space for the energy to travel through us, we must purge. It's like cleaning the dust out of a flute by blowing tons of air through it. Whatever energetic blockages are in our bodies, they are shaken out of us. This is painful of course. This healing song of the plants is beautiful, I receive imagery of the plants dancing. The ideal state of the body is to be clear and empty, so this energy can flow through us without getting stuck. We attach to energy and try to keep it, thus it gets trapped inside us and bogs us down. At this point I've played my part in the orchestra, and it's my turn to receive some healing work. She heals me slowly and gently, releasing knots of energy inside my body through movement. She gives me a space to confront some repressed emotions I've been holding. I'm able to confront my lingering heartbreak from my previous relationship that ended over a year ago. I had written this mental story about how it was for the best and that I should move on, but deep down I was so angry it didn't work out. I had to acknowledge she was my soulmate, and like a spoiled child I lashed out in anger about not being able to be together. Then a deeper layer surfaced, I was afraid I wasn't going to find someone right for me, and I cried in sadness. This release felt so great, it was as if I had purged without the vomiting. She doesn't tell me whether I will meet someone or not, but this part of me healed then and there. This was a very intense trip, and even when the ceremony officially ended I was still with the medicine. I went downstairs and had one of the most heartfelt conversations with another girl attending the ceremony. I felt so happy and at peace. I also knew the Ayahuasca spirit had went easy on me. I knew it wasn't going to be easy the following night. I had barely gotten any sleep after having so much energy flow through me. 2nd ceremony: Anticipating a deeper, more challenging journey the second night after little sleep, I wasn't sure what to set as my intention. I knew she was going to dig deeper than the shallow healing she did yesterday. I was worried about it before the night even began, but I knew I had to go through with it. I set my intention to surrender fully and allow the spirit to do it's work with me. Now I didn't really know what "surrender fully" meant, I just thought it sounded cool. She didn't like that. She called my bullshit out right away, and so the most challenging trip of my life was ahead of me. The journey began similar to the night before, we took the medicine, though this time it tasted stronger, with sediment and instant nausea. Within ten minutes I was already with the medicine, my visual perception field filled with native patterns. During this time, another participant began trying to purge, unsuccessfully. He was so loud, and you could feel his discomfort. I could not even focus on the music beginning to play as I did the night before. The entire beginning of the night was the whole room "holding space" for this one man. You could feel the energy of the room, sending him compassion as he tried to purge. It was amazing to be a part of such a unified group all attempting to help someone. They had to move him to another room, and you could hear him sobbing uncontrollably in pain in the next room. This set the tone for the night. Soon after this phase of the night had passed, I began to turn inward. She had taken me on an awe inspiring journey to the celestial realm. The places she was taking me were beautiful, massive, infinite, and overwhelming. I visited other realms that looked like moving Kandinsky paintings, which I now realize are real places. Celestial spaces I cannot even comprehend and explain in words. At one point, she had taken me to a space where time had stopped, it was the most peaceful and beautiful place I had ever been. Though I felt that time had stopped, I could still hear the music. Then I understood the message, this realm is always there - we can experience this state even while being "in time." An experience impossible to put into words. As she moved me to other infinite spaces, I was overwhelmed and feeling uncomfortable. I simple couldn't hold this massive energy. I was already asking her to stop, I was already being humbled. Now the real healing work was beginning. For hours I'm forced to experience negative energy trapped inside my body. I feel like I need to purge, but it doesn't work. I reach for the bucket and nothing comes out, I'm dry heaving. This comes and goes in waves. When I'm just beyond my limit, she gives me a moment to bathe in love and acceptance. This cycle continues, energy activated within me like a wild fire. My body is moved into countless positions, outside my control. I can't stop moving, the negative energy is so powerful. It's hard to even pinpoint where these emotions came from, they must have been trapped inside me for so long. I can only describe it as being scared and completely alone. I can't handle it and I'm forced into prayer. I plead with her, I've had enough, but she gives me more. This was the most challenging experience of my life, Ayahuasca had handed my ass to me. I sit up and reach for my bucket once more, I once again fail to purge, and she finally puts me in surrender. My body physically goes into surrender, like a yoga pose with my head bowed and my hands and arms lowered in front of me. I learned what "surrender fully" really meant. This is physically surrendering and accepting your fate. I realized there was nothing I could do, and this gave me a moment of peace and strength to continue with my healing. At this point I knew my painful healing wasn't over, but I had finally accepted it. I went through additional cycles of pain, it felt like I had been there an eternity. She knew I wasn't going to return for a long time, and she knew I could handle more. I simply had to allow this negative energy to burn slowly. As the cycles wind down in intensity levels she has yet more to teach me. She shows me how this cleansing technology is coded into plants as DNA. Mother Aya is a genius programmer. She shares her plant technology as a gift to humans to help us. We download her program, and it runs through us, cleaning out trapped energy as she watches over us and teaches us. Trapped energy often comes out as song, art, poetry. This was the most profound and humbling experience in my life. It's going to take me months to process and integrate all of this. I know I need to make some changes in my life, and most of all I need to learn to surrender in grace to the almighty. Ayahuasca is a true medicine. She heals you physically, psychologically, and spiritually at once. She is hands on, compassionate, and only gives you only what you can handle even if it's the most painful thing you ever went through. Being able to connect with such a loving, ancient spirit - it's given me such a faith in the universe. Thank you for reading.

It's funny, because I run a social network revolving around poetry and this comes up every so often with regards to hate speech. There is no freedom of speech on a privately owned service like this. It's up to Leo what kind of messages are welcome here.

It was only a matter of time. It's sad, this is what many people truly believe about Jews.

That's true. If you did require your own backend, etc. I'd recommend going with something Node based so you don't have to learn yet another coding language since it's also based on Javascript.

The Buddha spoke extensively about there being no Atman, no eternal spirit. Even consciousness is impermanent. The Buddha teaches dropping all identifications, even to the "Absolute" ! So how do we reconcile this view with all the dialog here about the Absolute, Infinity, consciousness, God, etc? To go a step further, the Buddha teaches consciousness depends on the existence of sense organs! https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/mind-indian-buddhism/#3.4 We like to conceptualize that brains exist within consciousness, but the Buddha teaches that all experiences are a result of "aggregates." The material depends on consciousness just as much as consciousness depends on the material! Talk about a mind fuck strange loop. My only take away from this is that we take a lot of what we're taught for granted. There's more investigation that needs to be done here. There's a lot of nuance here and it's not enough to simply believe the ancients had it all figured out, and all we need to do is trust "them" on x or y. They themselves disagreed on some extremely fundamental ideas.

Good question. So far I've mostly resonated with zazen and do nothing techniques. The self inquiry style meditations tend to turn into somewhat frustrating experiences where I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I'll continue experimenting with different practices. Appreciate your insights!

Thank you. I took a more in depth look at what you wrote earlier. I'll continue studying, but will do my best to not allow this to interrupt the more important direct experience work.

This is the interpretation I've found from most experienced Buddhist practitioners. Any attachment to Self, higher or lower is yet another form of ignorance which leads to suffering. Which is exactly why I posed the question here. I've posted a few Wikipedia links and articles from various sources on the web, and some of you have questioned them - which is fine! I have not been studying primarily using these sources, they are just supplementary readings. Primarily, I've been learning from the book Walpola Rahula's "What the Buddha Taught." https://www.amazon.com/What-Buddha-Taught-Expanded-Dhammapada/dp/0802130313 "Rahula is a scholar monk who trained in the Theravadan tradition in Ceylon. His succinct, clear overview of Buddhist concepts has never been surpassed. It is the standard." He talks in depth about Buddha's interpretation of the Self, and is very explicit about the distinctions between lower self and Higher Self. He demonstrates through Buddha's own words how he taught not to identify with any idea of self. That nothing is permanent. I highly suggest this book. Thanks. I will check out his work. At the end of the day, I'm not here to create additional distinctions. I'm trying to reconcile all these different perspectives. For everyone else who commented, I thank you as well. You've all given me much to contemplate on. The discussion in and of itself is beautiful and very helpful. For better or for worse, I'm naturally a thinker, and while this can be detrimental to spiritual growth, reconciling these ideas helps me surrender further into direct experience.

It's not perfectly clear, man. I don't deny what you're saying about Absolute Infinity and it's certainly easier and more pleasant to accept it, but it's certainly not clear this is what the Buddha taught. It's a very negative theism, in that it's always removing. Perhaps emptiness and infinity are the same as you say, and this is our "Higher self" but the Buddha would never refer to this as a higher self. Here's a great in depth look at someone acknowledging these differences and trying to reconcile them. http://www.katinkahesselink.net/tibet/atmsun.htm

The Buddha was very clear about this. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ātman_(Buddhism)

Sure, but this is the core teaching of Buddha - that there is NO SELF. No self in any frame, not relative, not absolute. There is nothing impermanent in his philosophy. He's in direct opposition to the Vedic interpretation of the ontological self. Now we like to behave as if they all said the same thing, and it's just a given that there's an absolute self and we are it. Buddha would argue this is yet again, another attempt for our egos to grasp at a concept of self to help us fall asleep at night. There is nothing more terrifying than mortality, so much so that if we remove the concept of relative self, we invent an absolute self to cling on to.

Thanks for the response. I understand that consciousness is a loaded word, but the Buddha did not teach "Absolute Consciousness" unless you're arguing semantics. For simplicity, let's consider consciousness to be more or less synonymous with "Atman" or the "Para-Brahman" - the Absolute. But the Buddha explicitly speaks in depth about there being no Atman. No absolute or eternal soul to grasp to. All is Not Self: The Buddha’s Rejection of Atman https://inthewordsofbuddha.wordpress.com/2015/08/02/all-is-not-self-the-buddhas-rejection-of-atman/ Either I'm misunderstanding you, I'm misunderstanding the Buddha, or you both disagree on this. I appreciate your kindness in actually speaking to this.

Fair enough, if you're looking at it from the frame of reference of the root of the tree.

This is solipsism. I don't believe this is what is being taught here. The metaphor I like is many leaves off the branches of an infinite tree. It's all one tree, but each leaf is connected and experiencing it's own perspective. So "Fred" is just as real as you are.

Not a fan, I find his constant virtue signaling and smug arrogance off putting. He enjoys hearing himself talk more than he enjoys genuinely learning. He's aware of non duality, and an intelligent guy. You could do a lot worse with a role model, but you could do way better as well... I don't find him funny either, unfortunately. He takes himself too seriously to be funny.

You don't think the current state of affairs has become toxic? I believe they are a necessary force, and they do bring compassion and concern to an extent, but what kind of compassions is this public shaming and militant silencing? There's compassion, and then there's virtue signaling, identity politics, victim mentality, and power games. Here's an example of someone who is non toxic green. If you look at her articles, she's the one who wrote the article about the shrooms study disproving the self. "I’m already equal. So why do today’s feminists keep saying I’m oppressed?" https://qz.com/1210845/the-subconscious-sexism-of-todays-feminist-movement/ Her other article: "Scientists studying psychoactive drugs accidentally proved the self is an illusion" https://qz.com/1196408/scientists-studying-psilocybin-accidentally-proved-the-self-is-an-illusion/ Seriously dude? This is the conclusion you came to about this guy without ever meeting him or knowing anything about him, and you wonder why it's coming off anti-male?

Lol why all the posting and speculation? Do some basic research on the dude.