Having a life issue that relates with many of the topics discussed by Leo- authenticity, life purpose, intuition, culture, masculine/feminine energy...I need help figuring this out and I don't know where else to turn. It goes like this- I'm a 36 year old woman. I'm not married and don't have kids. I believe that I want to be a wife and mother but I can't tell if it really is my deepest desire or if it's just because society sends a message that if I end up an old maid I'm basically a failure. I adore children and that makes me feel like being a mother really is what I must do to self actualize. It feels like the most profound thing I could do with my life. But that could just be because I've been told by society to value that. So, my first problem is how to figure out the difference between what I truly and deeply value and what society values. It's harder than I thought it would be to make that distinction. The reason this is on my mind is because I have developed close feelings with a man who is 10 years younger and doesn't want to settle down. However we have a special connection that would undoubtedly be worthwhile to explore. In the past I have had relationships with men who didn't want to settle down and told me so, but I had the relationship anyways and ended up growing enormously from it. I'm faced with the same choice now again and I don't know what to do. To walk away from this relationship feels counter-intuitive. But I am developing this feeling of shame and humiliation...like there must be something wrong with me that I settle for these kinds of relationships rather than find a relationship with a man who will make a lifelong commitment to me. I feel like it's part of my feminine nature to seek commitment, and that denying that reality would be foolish. Last night I talked about this with the man I'm seeing. He brought it up and I was glad to talk about it at first....but now I feel awful. He told me he wants to be in my life but that because of my age he's afraid he will hurt me if he realizes I'm not the one because I will have wasted 2, 3 years when time is not exactly on my side. Hearing him say these things that I believe are true made me slip into a very emotional low consciousness state. I felt like I was suddenly in a trance. I got upset and told him I wanted to be alone. Then he got angry and stormed out. Ever since then I just feel sick to my stomach. To summarize, I am caught between two of Leo's videos- the first is "how to be strategic" and the other is "how to listen to your intuition." If I am strategic, I will not see this man and will only date men who want to settle down. If I follow my intuition, I will explore this relationship or any relationship that feels inspiring even though I know it will distract me from my ultimate goal. And then there's the other issue of whether this really is my goal or if I'm just scared to go against society. Right now I'm just very confused and suffering.
