aclokay

I've been coding for sometime now. Had my own "life crisis" moment around 5 years ago when discovering Actualized.org, tripping and questioning my career decisions. I quit my job on a whim, and when to travel. I travelled for around 3 months, and during that time I had a moment of boredom, which motivated me to read books about code, and it rekindled my passion and interest. I quit my traveling "career" and went to look for a job, I was wanting a fun place and worked for a startup for a few years. It was in a different realms of coding - DevOps, and I really enjoyed learning a new field and working with someone who I considered a true master. Eventually quit that job as well, as i wanted to work on projects with more impact on the world. I went to work for a bigger company which I leveraged to transition into an industry I felt more connected with - health apps. Being type 1 diabetic It felt super cool to work for diabetes medicine startups. But that start up failed, which I had to go to a heart-health start up, which I currently work at. So I've had a bunch of jobs in tech, mostly writing code. And I've been thinking of changing career most of my career. I felt very curious about different fields. At one point I thought of going into software architecture or product management. As I felt these are master level positions and have high impact. But right now, I'm really enjoying doing visual work. So I'm learning to draw and I noticed I really enjoy visual creating. So been thinking of transitioning into a design kind of career. Where I would visualize software / and not write the code that runs it. I feel like the biggest drawback for me with coding is that I didn't find a place where I enjoyed the code. It's often a mess, has a ton of iterations by different people, every body with their own style. Like salads of mess and it's infuriating to me because I appreciate elegance and beauty. And I feel like a lot of places value working products over elegant code. This is why I would lean towards design and visual - because it's rare that a visually unappealing design would pass, where visually unappealing code is a-okay. Also been considering of going through solo work - like Solopreneur. Which for me feels like a lot of fun, but a ton of work. You'll get to learn to run 1-man businsess potentially doing almost everything. I'm also kind of scared of making the transistion, since I feel like my experience as programmer is financially more valuable than as a designer or anything else since I have 0 professional experience. Perhaps in the long term I could use the joy of a fulfilling career more than a well paying one to motivate myself to achieve greater success, but it's risky IMO, and would definitely be costly. Anyway, I haven't decided yet. But I feel like i'm a similar position as you are, so I shared my line of thinking, hope it might be helpful.

I really like his philosophies. I think it's worth listening. It can be dangerous tho, as he pretty much rejects everything, it's kind of entertaining

I got 81. Seems pretty accurate

When I was a teenager, and everybody started to date and kiss and have sex and all of that. I told myself that It's not my time. I thought that when I would become an adult, I would be successful and girls would be attracted to me because I can provide and take care and love, and they wouldn't care about how socially skilled I was or how cool I was. It's been a decade,..I had periods of being, at least relatively, socially successful. Most notably, having a blog in my early 20's where I would anonymously share intimate details about my life and also post photography - I was really invested into photography and since I have a nice fit body, I thought it would grab peoples attention, and it did. I got emails on a weekly basis from people being interested in me. I mostly wasn't interested. But then I got laid a couple of times through that. Anyway, as I grew up I didn't feel so connected with the persona I portrayed in the blog, and I quit it and I opened a bunch more and I quit them. And then stumbled upon Actualized.org's early video about getting a girlfriend and all the other relationship and sexual stuff. And it was super entertaining for my mind. I would be fascinated by the different ways of thinking about social life and sexuality and things of the like. This was around 5~ years ago. And since then a lot has changed. And not for the better... I feel like I have some social competence, but it's not consistent. There are certain events and social settings that I feel like at home, for example at intimate birthday parties, or other small groups. Also in places where I know I'm valued simply by entering them, such as tech conferences and meetups, because I have some "merits" in the field. Such that I can approach people and be interested and also interest them about my work, etc. However, when it comes to engaging with people on a more sexual way or actually expressing my intentions, I feel like it's almost impossible. I've been trying to construct some social life, that would also be beneficial even if I'm not socializing, i.e. going to yoga classes, workshops, retreats and things of that nature. And every time I go there, I try to put myself in the mind of "I'm going to have fun and socialize" - That is until I reach there and the first challenges comes to me. When I see a girl I like, I start to think about how lovely she is, and then I think of how I'm not good enough for her. If I manage to see how victim mentally has come on, I try to put it to the side and focus on being successful, but that doesn't really work. It goes from "She's so attractive, probably going to reject me", to "I'm really awesome she would be lucky to have me, but then with time, we would get sick of each other and be stuck in something we don't want" To be honest I'm confused as hell by my desires, or what am I supposed to do about them. If I really like this girl, why don't I just say "hi", how bad can it be? I've managed to do it in the past, I've had experiences I can refer to from the past, but most of the experiences are that which makes me go all sour grapes on every social interaction. And that's just the challenges of getting to know new people. I think that even getting past this challenges puts me in sour grapes mood. Because, I recently met a new person through tinder, and we connected and spent a lot of time together. From this moment, I shut down my tinder account so I could focus on it. But then I realized the challenges of coming AFTER meeting a new person. i feel super blocked. Like there's a huge wall in front of me that is filtering what ever I want to express towards this person. Like I wanna have sex. Why is it only in my mind and fantasies? Why can't I initiate that with her? I think of things about her, and I feel ashamed to express them. It's like she became the only person in my life and I put all of the heavy weight on her and when she's not available I go on emotional tantrums and then I become unattractive.. I feel like being honest is hard. It's like, when I'm being honest I feel like I'm a victim. Maybe that's where I am, even-tho all this self-esteem work I've put it, I guess it's just not enough. I don't know. Should I pause my quest for love and go back to basics and work on my self esteem? Or should I try to do them at the same time? Why is it not working for me? Am I doing the wrong thing? Are there things I didn't try? Maybe it's too early for me to be in relationships and that's why I avoid connecting? I'm curious about this too. On one hand, if I think that I should be happy first, and then try to add people to my life, I would probably never add them. Because If I'm happy, why would I want more people? If I don't need people, why would I add them? And let's say instead of needing them, I want them. But what is the difference? On the other hand, If I get people from needing them, and that would make me happy, I would be terrified of losing them because my happiness would go with them. I just feel super insecure,.. I don't know if going on this social life quests is making me more secure, maybe I started this from a place of insecurity and everything I do here is just filling that place of insecurity. Thanks for reading, I'd love to hear your take on it and maybe some advice on what can I do here.

What do you think of keeping secrets? Do you think some beliefs of yours are very personal and shouldn't be shared, or is that deluding yourself?

Woah amazing!

I don't get it. How reasons can be the price? Does that mean having reasons to stop loving, is what you pay in order to stay awake..? hmm

What are you waiting for??

You can also try the jewish practice of keeping the sabbath holy, yeah it's just 24 hour but it's like a weekly retreat

So I'm sure some of you invest money in stock markets. and I was wondering if you ever considered and alternative to that. For the 5 years I've been working as a programmer, I've invested around 90% in the stock market having no idea what those stocks actually are. I've realised that I'm probably putting money in place I have no interest in, but just because those indexes are considered to be profitable, I've done so. By doing this, I see that my hope for a sustainable profit is fuelling the companies that hope for HUGE profits. My reasoning was that keeping the money in the bank is a bad financial decision so I have to put it somewhere where it can be profitable and give me financial stability in the future. I think opening a business can do something similar, so I wondered about taking those 90% I throw on index funds, and throw them all in whatever endeavour I might come across. I don't know if I'm at the point where I would feel comfortable doing so. I have accumulated enough money to last me for a couple of years but I just wouldn't know what to do with those. And as Leo said "All dualities must collapse" this duality of stock market, and self can collapse as well. So perhaps investing in the markets that I believe would benefit me and society at large would be better than pursuing a business that I don't have genuine interest in, other than financial stability. What do you guys think?

There's a great summary here: https://iasos.com/metaphys/bashar/#Blueprint

i think it means "games with other people". Such as keeping up with the joneses. Or anything else you are motivated to do to satisfy others.

Not so sure, We had swine flew and other stuff.. 2008 wasn't some external thing fucking us, it was us fucking ourselves, as we usually do.

God isn't the devil, like a wave isn't the ocean. But the ocean is present within all waves

You already are awake! The practices are just your way of reminding you that.