Something shifted in my life over past few years. I used to gather people around me easily, inviting them into my projects so we can create and have fun together- write stories, be creative etc. It was enjoyable for me to be a leader and participate in group activities. Slowly I became more and more disconnected from people who wrere drawn to me. I became more of a loner and struggled with keeping the gropu together without help. I moved away from people I felt connected with before. For a long while I had only one close person in my life- we supported each other and shared a lot of insights, growing together. But eventually this relationship felt apart as well. We grew so different that it felt like we were strangers at some point. And as much as I feel very lonely at times- I honestly find it hard to even visualise kind of relationship I want to be in. I feel good in solitude, thinking, being on my own, creating. I also enjoy interacting with other people a lot- I easily connect with others, even complete strangers. But my deafult state is being alone. Now even more alone than ever because of lack of my close friend.
It's something completely new for me, having no one at all in my life and not being completely crushed by it as I used to be when it happened before in my life, in my childhood. I feel strong on my own but on the other hand- I'm sometimes afraid that I'm heading to some dark state in my life. That I'll have no long term, close friends or partners in the future because I don't feel an urge to create such relationships right now while missing those friendships from earlier. I miss being my old self and I'm a bit sad because I think I can not be my old self again and connect with people this way. It's like missing being a child and deep down knowing that You can't go back to being a child.
I really need some external thoughts on this topic and I'll be really grateful for it.
