Nadie

Going after "love" - i.e. a romantic relationship, seems like one of the biggest traps in the maze that is life (see Leo's latest video). How can I get over this childish idealism in regards to "love", romanticism, everything being OK as long as things are good between my partner and I, etc.? How can I face "the Fear" (yeah, Fear with a capital F) and keep facing it for long enough to be able to sustain being single? Why am I in such strong denial about this being what I need? I guess The Fear (wherever you encounter it in your own maze) always comes with the biggest self-deceptions and denial. I'm an introvert and ever since I was a child I have picked one person to focus all of my love, attention and time on. It seems like such a huge, blindingly obvious "ego distraction" and trap, yet it's so hard to get out of, especially now as I'm pushing 30 and have been living this way my whole life (I've had serious, long-term relationships since I was 13 years old - my first relationship was from then until I was almost 17). It's an interesting trap, but a dangerously confining one - freeing in some ways, yet hugely distracting. Ha! Beware the traps that feel like freedom or seem to give you more of it. This whole life maze is a hard slog (to put it lightly), no getting around it. Is this what "love addiction" is, perhaps? Maybe. I don't know if I'd qualify, because I'm not even 100% clear on my motives behind being this way. Sometimes I think it's because I'm overly sentimental/emotional/value relationship above all else, but it could just be because I'm stuck in a rut and don't trust myself to be able to take care of myself financially if I were out on my own. I grew up in a working class/poor family that has a lot of issues around money. My brother now works 70+ hours a week and hasn't had a vacation in 8 years as his way of trying to escape the poverty/become financially independent. So it would make sense that my way of dealing with the situation is through the sense of financial/general "security" that long-term one-on-one 'romantic' relationships give me. It's taking me forever to get brutally honest and clear with myself. To face The Fear. To trust myself. To really have faith. It's like I don't even know what is real and true for me. I have tried moving out and being single (though I doubt it counts as 'single' if it lasts about a day) and have changed situations many times (even going as far as moving across the world, living in a different, totally unknown culture and language, etc. more than once) only to find myself stuck back again in the same old maze, same old trap, same denial wrapped up in romantic ideals. Whenever I finally, rarely do take a leap of faith, I don't follow it all the way through. I start doubting and second-guessing myself until I convince myself I have made a mistake and would be better off turning back. I don't know what true love would feel like. I feel deeply self-deceived/deceiving and like my heart and throat chakras are closed. I value authenticity and radical honesty yet cannot genuinely align with these things, which in turn leads to a lack of integrity and self-esteem. Anyway, I'm going to get Leo's Life Purpose Course today. I hope that getting in touch with my LP will be a map out of the enticingly comfortable (yet increasingly unhelpful and maddening) maze that is long-term romantic relationships. Anyone able to relate? I guess I'm reaching out for friendship as a compass, here, guys.

Sense of humour. Every girl loves a guy who can make her laugh. A slightly dark or bizarre/surreal/unapologetically silly/clever sense of humour is what many women find attractive. And then when they become in-jokes between the two of you. Intelligence, quiet ambition, talent, originality. Strength, grit, determination, tenacity, courage. Not afraid of suffering and hard work, but enjoy it as an integral part of life. A guy who truly values a woman's inner beauty as much as or more than her external beauty. Good problem solver. Nothing phases him. Dependable, has integrity. Keeps his word. Eye contact and eye gazing. When a man looks deeply into a woman. Vulnerability. Sensitivity. Appreciates the arts (music, poetry, books, food, etc). Kindness. I mean, if a guy just has the particular sense of humour that the particular woman likes + genuine kindness he's usually automatically attractive to her. Generous nature; not petty. Non-manipulative generosity - not expecting anything in return. Abundance mindset. Big-picture thinking. Sense of adventure, however mundane it might translate in reality - just an adventurous, curious spirit. Intimate yet platonic touch. Affectionate, playful, not overtly sexual touch. I mean, touching her in a way that most other people wouldn't - on the face, arm etc. without it having to be sex (since we're talking about "attraction", here). Or, if you can give hugs or massages without it just being a means to an end. This kind of thing drives most woman crazy - in the best possible way - if she's at all into you. And it might be the thing that first sparks her interest in you. (Nothing is worse than a guy who only ever touches you in a sexual way and doesn't appreciate all the other forms of physical communication, affection and intimacy.)

@Caterpillar you forgot: A SENSE OF HUMOUR.

"Whatever the crowd does, run in the other direction." Think it was Bukowski who said it.

@ajasatya thank you so much for your support, advice and compassionate understanding. I'll let you know how everything goes! The universe has also just thrown me a total curveball: my dad is coming to visit me in Spain next week. It's been about 12 years since we've spent any time alone together and he hasn't visited me in Spain at all before in the past 4 years that I've been here, nor ever shown any interest in visiting. But this same dude who caused these daddy issues is coming to visit me - just him, without his wife, who usually never lets him out of her sight - in a week, for a week. The universe knows everything, and sends him to me out of the blue right at the same time that I'm finally resolving these issues. Magic...! He's going to meet my boyfriend (the first time my dad will ever meet any of the older men I've been with), who is actually 5 years older than him... Hahaha. Facing the reality of it all. I feel more detached from the situation than I would be had I not increased my awareness of what's really going on for me. It's a real taste of what Leo meant by "awareness alone is curative". I pondered over that statement for a year or so but now I'm beginning to truly understand it in my actual experience.

Hey everyone, You know when... you know you have to break up with someone, even though you love them and have grown with them, because you arrive at a point where there is no new growth that can come out of the relationship? Or you realise you're incompatible, or whatever. You absolutely know you have to move on, but you're torn in two. How do you make that move (break up) and trust that you're doing the right thing, when there's still part of you that's attached to (and attracted to) the relationship/other person? I'm so terrible at this, any help/advice/sharing of your experience is hugely welcome.

@Caterpillarhahahaha, that made me smirk :'D Too close to home! Yes I'm gonna get the life purpose course soon, really looking forward to it!

@Shadowraix thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful replies. Will read over your words a few times. @Caterpillar

@ajasatya yes, i am scared. I've literally always been in long-term relationships, ever since I was 13 or 14. I guess i had/have some abandonment issues (and daddy issues) as my father was/is a musician (as well a narcissist) who travelled a lot trying to get success with his music, so my entire childhood was spent with me, my mum and brother waiting for him to come back home, him finally coming back and then leaving again after a week or a month or a year, before finally leaving us for good when i was 11 or 12 because he'd found another woman overseas. We were also poor, had bad living conditions and my mum had trouble providing for us and fulfilling the "mother" role. Those things affected me profoundly (I'm also a highly sensitive person), and left me seeking stability and security above all else. I did well at school and went on to go to university and get degrees and work experience and all of that - I *could* make it on my own, but i still have this "scarcity" programme running, this fear of going back to the same poverty, money problems and hard-living that I experienced in the past. My current boyfriend is 30 years older than me and we've been together for 3.5 years, the guy i was with before him was 25 years older than me and we were together for 4.5 years, and before that was another older guy (although he was only 33 yrs old and I was 21) who i almost married... I realise that these relationships are a result of childhood wounds, and I now that I have clearly recognised this pattern (and see how it is not healthy), I just want to put it behind me and transform. It would be the first time I've been single in my adult life and I've promised myself that I won't be looking for another relationship any time soon - I'm even considering going to some kind of support group. I want to work on myself for a few years and then eventually start dating people my own age. My plan is to move back to my home country, get a job, get my own place/room somewhere, and form some good friendships. I just have to end this final relationship, which means letting go of all my childhood shit and facing those wounds and fears.

@ajasatya I don't think there is more to investigate in the relationship. I feel like the huge lesson and thing for me to learn and grow through is this part right now - the part where I leave. That's why I have so much resistance towards doing so. It would be such a big change for me that it would mean the old me - even certain parts of the whole past 29 years of me - having to die. Letting go is the issue here. And not being able to trust myself and my instincts as much as I need to in order to trust I will be able to follow through on this move. I guess I betrayed my own trust a few times in the past when it came to making decisions and then later getting scared that I had made the wrong decision and so changing my mind (even though I probably had made the right decision, I just didn't have the courage, strength and patience to see it through). So I'm scared I'll betray myself again this time I guess - by leaving him, moving on and then wishing I hadn't or wanting to go back.

@ajasatya I guess I mean attachment and affection.

@Truth thanks heaps for your reply. I resonate with your words here and in other posts. I'll take your suggestion of contemplating what unconditional vs conditional love is. My instinct already tells me that no real love is at all conditional. Faith with a capital F! How can I get in touch with that - any suggestions? I try to be in touch with it, i like to think i have faith, but that isn't what shows in my actions.

@Prabhaker I had already assumed it wasn't love, that I'm far from love, saying my heart chakra seems to be closed, etc. throughout the post and even in the title. Any suggestions on how to feel/be love again would be greatly appreciated.

Still trying to recover except from a narcissistic father. I've wondered about the brain damage thing too. I believe that can fully heal though.

This reminds me of that film 'Lucy' with Scarlett Johansson. Chimp mom. So cute. So poignant.

Hi everyone. I have a strong instinct that I should leave my partner. Even though living with him makes my life easier in a practical sense, eg. free rent and food. I feel like the negativity and stress that he emits cancel out any practical benefits. If I move out I may struggle financially, but at least I will be free and honest. Perhaps for the first time in my life. Thoughts? Anyone else been in a similar situation? Will the financial stress be a price worth paying (ha) for not having to deal with somebody else's issues and instead being able to focus my energy fully on positive self-growth and healing? No obvious judgements please. I'm fully aware of how terrible this post sounds.

Hey everyone. I'm just watching Leo's video about fake growth and real growth and I've realised that although I lost 35 pounds in a few months last year through diet and becoming interested in doing sports, and although I have kept that weight off now for about 15 months, it was all fake growth. That is, an achievement/success rather than permanent change from within. Just be aware of this anybody else who is currently losing weight or who wants to. I would be much happier right now if something had have changed within me in regards to my emotional relationship with food, rather than having just lost the weight yet still having many of the same issues, perhaps even exacerbated now by the pressure to maintain my success. Real growth in this area is not weighing less. It's in correcting your psychology around and relationship with food. In my own case, that would look like no longer having a "relationship" with food. No longer using and abusing it to fulfil an emotional need. No wonder I have never really felt satisfied despite the physical changes I have made and athletic body I now have. It would have been better - in terms of real growth - not to have changed at all physically but to have released this emotional issue.

@Bizarre thanks so much for your thoughtful and inspiring reply.

Hi everyone. I'm just wondering if anyone else is experiencing everything feeling like total shit after becoming aware of awareness yet still lacking the ability to grasp it for more than a few fleeting moments? I mean I've become quite deeply aware of how asleep I am, yet still unable to awake. I've realised that I can't wake up without my waking up meaning that I'll have to let go of everything. I'm like Leo's homeless man who clutches onto a dirty paper cup thinking that it's the whole world and not knowing that if he only let it go the whole universe could be his. And I know this, yet am still too weak to let go. I am feeling deeper resistance than ever and more emptiness and confusion since opening myself up to the concept of awareness, since beginning to meditate daily, since pondering actualized.org contents. I am so deeply grateful for it all - for Leo and his work, for anybody reading this right now, for anyone who questions everything - I'm a young person living alone in a foreign country with little connection to anyone. The only person I have in my life I will have to leave if I wake up. Our relationship is already disintegrating by my mere knowledge of potential awareness. I can't keep lying forever. And I'm not lying outright. I'm lying by not allowing myself to awake. By clinging. I just want somebody here to kick me in the ass or/AKA be my friend. Oh yeah. I've also noticed an anger, depression, lack of self control, physical pain and other strange symptoms (that I haven't experienced either ever before, or for a long time) since pondering yet resisting awakening into awareness. I thought I would start to get more control over myself with the meditation and stuff, but it's like I'm just more confused and frustrated than ever.

@Leo Gura I understand (though, I imagine, only to a very small extent) when you talk about that vastness and about absolute infinity - but I only understand with my instinct, not my intellect. After years of honest, open-minded religious/spiritual inquiry that came out of an atheist background, I had an epiphany that God is not something we can understand with our minds, that spiritual things are understood by the spirit, kind of in a multi-dimensional sense. (Note that I say I had an "epiphany", not a "thought".) That gave a whole new meaning to the word/concept of "faith". It became something that suddenly seemed so obvious to accept. I imagine that a similar kind of epiphany would give many people a whole new meaning to and understanding of the word/concept of enlightenment, too. Like maybe it's something that can't be understood, it can only be had.

@Leo Gura thanks Leo, good advice to enjoy suffering. Just have to relax into it and not resist. I think part of the problem is that my wanting to attain awareness, or at least -to begin with- access enough of it to be able to reach the next stage of my personal development, is that -through meditation- I'm recognising it as just another form of my selfish desires. So I start to self-sabotage against my own personal growth.

@JustinS thank you for your reply, it's nice to know I'm not alone, although of course we're not and never are. At this stage I think we just must "Hold the vision and trust the process". And stay as calm as possible.