Nadie

Sense of humour. Every girl loves a guy who can make her laugh. A slightly dark or bizarre/surreal/unapologetically silly/clever sense of humour is what many women find attractive. And then when they become in-jokes between the two of you. Intelligence, quiet ambition, talent, originality. Strength, grit, determination, tenacity, courage. Not afraid of suffering and hard work, but enjoy it as an integral part of life. A guy who truly values a woman's inner beauty as much as or more than her external beauty. Good problem solver. Nothing phases him. Dependable, has integrity. Keeps his word. Eye contact and eye gazing. When a man looks deeply into a woman. Vulnerability. Sensitivity. Appreciates the arts (music, poetry, books, food, etc). Kindness. I mean, if a guy just has the particular sense of humour that the particular woman likes + genuine kindness he's usually automatically attractive to her. Generous nature; not petty. Non-manipulative generosity - not expecting anything in return. Abundance mindset. Big-picture thinking. Sense of adventure, however mundane it might translate in reality - just an adventurous, curious spirit. Intimate yet platonic touch. Affectionate, playful, not overtly sexual touch. I mean, touching her in a way that most other people wouldn't - on the face, arm etc. without it having to be sex (since we're talking about "attraction", here). Or, if you can give hugs or massages without it just being a means to an end. This kind of thing drives most woman crazy - in the best possible way - if she's at all into you. And it might be the thing that first sparks her interest in you. (Nothing is worse than a guy who only ever touches you in a sexual way and doesn't appreciate all the other forms of physical communication, affection and intimacy.)

@Caterpillar you forgot: A SENSE OF HUMOUR.

"Whatever the crowd does, run in the other direction." Think it was Bukowski who said it.

@ajasatya thank you so much for your support, advice and compassionate understanding. I'll let you know how everything goes! The universe has also just thrown me a total curveball: my dad is coming to visit me in Spain next week. It's been about 12 years since we've spent any time alone together and he hasn't visited me in Spain at all before in the past 4 years that I've been here, nor ever shown any interest in visiting. But this same dude who caused these daddy issues is coming to visit me - just him, without his wife, who usually never lets him out of her sight - in a week, for a week. The universe knows everything, and sends him to me out of the blue right at the same time that I'm finally resolving these issues. Magic...! He's going to meet my boyfriend (the first time my dad will ever meet any of the older men I've been with), who is actually 5 years older than him... Hahaha. Facing the reality of it all. I feel more detached from the situation than I would be had I not increased my awareness of what's really going on for me. It's a real taste of what Leo meant by "awareness alone is curative". I pondered over that statement for a year or so but now I'm beginning to truly understand it in my actual experience.

@Caterpillarhahahaha, that made me smirk :'D Too close to home! Yes I'm gonna get the life purpose course soon, really looking forward to it!

@Shadowraix thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful replies. Will read over your words a few times. @Caterpillar

@ajasatya yes, i am scared. I've literally always been in long-term relationships, ever since I was 13 or 14. I guess i had/have some abandonment issues (and daddy issues) as my father was/is a musician (as well a narcissist) who travelled a lot trying to get success with his music, so my entire childhood was spent with me, my mum and brother waiting for him to come back home, him finally coming back and then leaving again after a week or a month or a year, before finally leaving us for good when i was 11 or 12 because he'd found another woman overseas. We were also poor, had bad living conditions and my mum had trouble providing for us and fulfilling the "mother" role. Those things affected me profoundly (I'm also a highly sensitive person), and left me seeking stability and security above all else. I did well at school and went on to go to university and get degrees and work experience and all of that - I *could* make it on my own, but i still have this "scarcity" programme running, this fear of going back to the same poverty, money problems and hard-living that I experienced in the past. My current boyfriend is 30 years older than me and we've been together for 3.5 years, the guy i was with before him was 25 years older than me and we were together for 4.5 years, and before that was another older guy (although he was only 33 yrs old and I was 21) who i almost married... I realise that these relationships are a result of childhood wounds, and I now that I have clearly recognised this pattern (and see how it is not healthy), I just want to put it behind me and transform. It would be the first time I've been single in my adult life and I've promised myself that I won't be looking for another relationship any time soon - I'm even considering going to some kind of support group. I want to work on myself for a few years and then eventually start dating people my own age. My plan is to move back to my home country, get a job, get my own place/room somewhere, and form some good friendships. I just have to end this final relationship, which means letting go of all my childhood shit and facing those wounds and fears.

@ajasatya I don't think there is more to investigate in the relationship. I feel like the huge lesson and thing for me to learn and grow through is this part right now - the part where I leave. That's why I have so much resistance towards doing so. It would be such a big change for me that it would mean the old me - even certain parts of the whole past 29 years of me - having to die. Letting go is the issue here. And not being able to trust myself and my instincts as much as I need to in order to trust I will be able to follow through on this move. I guess I betrayed my own trust a few times in the past when it came to making decisions and then later getting scared that I had made the wrong decision and so changing my mind (even though I probably had made the right decision, I just didn't have the courage, strength and patience to see it through). So I'm scared I'll betray myself again this time I guess - by leaving him, moving on and then wishing I hadn't or wanting to go back.

@ajasatya I guess I mean attachment and affection.

Hey everyone, You know when... you know you have to break up with someone, even though you love them and have grown with them, because you arrive at a point where there is no new growth that can come out of the relationship? Or you realise you're incompatible, or whatever. You absolutely know you have to move on, but you're torn in two. How do you make that move (break up) and trust that you're doing the right thing, when there's still part of you that's attached to (and attracted to) the relationship/other person? I'm so terrible at this, any help/advice/sharing of your experience is hugely welcome.

@Truth thanks heaps for your reply. I resonate with your words here and in other posts. I'll take your suggestion of contemplating what unconditional vs conditional love is. My instinct already tells me that no real love is at all conditional. Faith with a capital F! How can I get in touch with that - any suggestions? I try to be in touch with it, i like to think i have faith, but that isn't what shows in my actions.

@Prabhaker I had already assumed it wasn't love, that I'm far from love, saying my heart chakra seems to be closed, etc. throughout the post and even in the title. Any suggestions on how to feel/be love again would be greatly appreciated.

Going after "love" - i.e. a romantic relationship, seems like one of the biggest traps in the maze that is life (see Leo's latest video). How can I get over this childish idealism in regards to "love", romanticism, everything being OK as long as things are good between my partner and I, etc.? How can I face "the Fear" (yeah, Fear with a capital F) and keep facing it for long enough to be able to sustain being single? Why am I in such strong denial about this being what I need? I guess The Fear (wherever you encounter it in your own maze) always comes with the biggest self-deceptions and denial. I'm an introvert and ever since I was a child I have picked one person to focus all of my love, attention and time on. It seems like such a huge, blindingly obvious "ego distraction" and trap, yet it's so hard to get out of, especially now as I'm pushing 30 and have been living this way my whole life (I've had serious, long-term relationships since I was 13 years old - my first relationship was from then until I was almost 17). It's an interesting trap, but a dangerously confining one - freeing in some ways, yet hugely distracting. Ha! Beware the traps that feel like freedom or seem to give you more of it. This whole life maze is a hard slog (to put it lightly), no getting around it. Is this what "love addiction" is, perhaps? Maybe. I don't know if I'd qualify, because I'm not even 100% clear on my motives behind being this way. Sometimes I think it's because I'm overly sentimental/emotional/value relationship above all else, but it could just be because I'm stuck in a rut and don't trust myself to be able to take care of myself financially if I were out on my own. I grew up in a working class/poor family that has a lot of issues around money. My brother now works 70+ hours a week and hasn't had a vacation in 8 years as his way of trying to escape the poverty/become financially independent. So it would make sense that my way of dealing with the situation is through the sense of financial/general "security" that long-term one-on-one 'romantic' relationships give me. It's taking me forever to get brutally honest and clear with myself. To face The Fear. To trust myself. To really have faith. It's like I don't even know what is real and true for me. I have tried moving out and being single (though I doubt it counts as 'single' if it lasts about a day) and have changed situations many times (even going as far as moving across the world, living in a different, totally unknown culture and language, etc. more than once) only to find myself stuck back again in the same old maze, same old trap, same denial wrapped up in romantic ideals. Whenever I finally, rarely do take a leap of faith, I don't follow it all the way through. I start doubting and second-guessing myself until I convince myself I have made a mistake and would be better off turning back. I don't know what true love would feel like. I feel deeply self-deceived/deceiving and like my heart and throat chakras are closed. I value authenticity and radical honesty yet cannot genuinely align with these things, which in turn leads to a lack of integrity and self-esteem. Anyway, I'm going to get Leo's Life Purpose Course today. I hope that getting in touch with my LP will be a map out of the enticingly comfortable (yet increasingly unhelpful and maddening) maze that is long-term romantic relationships. Anyone able to relate? I guess I'm reaching out for friendship as a compass, here, guys.

Still trying to recover except from a narcissistic father. I've wondered about the brain damage thing too. I believe that can fully heal though.

This reminds me of that film 'Lucy' with Scarlett Johansson. Chimp mom. So cute. So poignant.