BFNK

I have, although I fear much of that is on a theoretical level for me. I've re-watched your interviews with Kurt multiple times by now (at least 50-60 hours) and keep getting new bits of information that I missed. Some of that already resonates with me on some level beyond the intellectual. It simply makes natural sense to me. This is of course after watching everything in your channel over the years. Other things are extremely challenging to deconstruct. The material world is difficult to get out of for sure and likely the biggest wall for me. One argument that just came to my mind at some point for me in the past, is that I've not actually seen a physical barrier anywhere in life. Physical world is more like a strong illusion i can't see through, rather than something I firmly believe in. If we zoom into the wall, we get to the atoms, to the sub-atomic, to the (??) strings, and at no point do we experience a physical barrier. I don't know if this makes any scientific sense at all, but I think that's neat. I can't prove physicality exists in that full scientific sense. How could I, where is the physical barrier anywhere? I've tried to get into theoretical physics and many of the authors you quote, and also not just you but other people who try to contribute in some way. Honestly, it's fucking impressive how much you've read and it's difficult to keep up with it, even when it is presented in these videos (eloquently expressed all the way, as a bonus). Even if we drop infinity entirely, there is just so much to unpack. I can clearly see how my emotional baggage actually blocks breakthroughs on psychedelics, by the way, so I can attest to how true this warning is. There is some stuff I've held for 15 years, which resurface during trips. I actually have to sort of deal with them each time to be able to move on with the trip, but it never sticks long-term. Yet, it's so interesting to see this process in action, in real time, and to understand how you cannot cheat out of personal growth. It's just not possible.

Your conviction is infectious, I have to say, and I love that ever since it became a part of the youtube channel. I was put off many years ago when your stance on these ancient tools was negative. Then, over the years, you started making them a central part of your technique, and that made it clear that you want answers as a primary objective. This gives me a lot of confidence that I've simply not gotten there yet. Thanks for chipping in (PS: I've lost my mind in the way you've described it over the interview with Kurt, and to be honest I don't dislike that, it is indeed a humbling experience. I suppose I need to lose it in another way - maybe 5meo is the key, acid and shrooms take me to the lobby at best)

If I doubt sober conclusions, and also doubt trip-fueled conclusions, what am I left with? I would lose my mind, there would be no grounding whatsoever. Just want a meaningful and tangible understanding of how reality works. Knowing myself, however, I will eventually try 5meo - so long as it finds my way to me. The curiosity is insatiable.

I've had a considerable amount of trips over the years, but not quite up to the level of 5-meo. Its difficult to decide whether to seek trying it out, since on some level psychedelics can be quite confusing. I am never certain if what I'm experiencing is true, or a result of tweaked brain chemistry. My very first trip on acid was unforgettable, and it as at that point when my interest into infinity/oneness was ignited. However, could psychedelics be a self-fulfilling prophecy? From the very beginning, they are mystical and come with a huge amount of connotations. When everyone is saying a compound such as 5-meo could give you pure consciousness, or some existential experience, this creates a bias and already implies a certain thing could be happening. But if people had absolutely no understanding and knowledge in relation to the tools, then would they be describing the experience in the same way? At times, some trip reports almost sound like a script to me. Like I'm reading the same thing, but it's not really convincing, it sounds more like the author convinced themselves. Let me be clear - I am not saying that none of this is possible, or even denying any of the reported experiences, but I am saying that some of these feel like self-deception more than anything else to me. What if the brain evolved to experience this thing, in a similar way that it evolved to experience pleasure? The human kind has consumed such tools maybe since forever, who knows? Could be 10,000 years, could be 150,000 years. Perhaps other species did the same but we evolved to really get the most out of it. This is a bleak outlook, and I much rather believe that infinity is real, but the issue is that I'm still on the belief level and haven't quite been able to experience an awakening where I have no doubt about it. This year, I've had a lot of harsh experiences. In one of them, I felt something which I could describe as a no-self sensation, but it was very muted and joyless. It was mechanical, as if reality is a collection of complications, endless layers which aren't really anything, and emotions themselves are mechanical and not real, at least not in the real sense that I feel them in my daily life. It felt more like the universe itself is an illusion, nothing "real" and is trying to be something "real" by creating all of these layers so that the bleak emptiness can be forgotten and abstracted away from. This felt very dark, and most of all - extremely lonely. I don't think it matches what other people describe. Meanwhile, I've felt euphoria on that absurd level, where a single touch to the skin feels orgasmic, and that's not it either - that's all in the realm of these human emotions. Whenever I've done higher doses, I usually end up feeling this mechanicalness in some shape, or form, but I am never sure if it is not simply nothing but a delusion. How could one ever be sure? If it's true, then it's bleak and hopeless more than it is infinite love, or I have experienced some part of myself - a delusion. Could it also be that this is how infinity is experienced on some level by a depressed brain? I've been depressed over the trips from this year, and they all felt emotionless on some level. As if I was doing raw exploration of the wonky dimensions.

I can relate to almost everything you have written, in some cases it's eerily identical. Age is about the same too (just turned 27 a week ago). Look, man, I am no teacher or guru, or anything, but can tell you this: action leads to motivation, which leads to more action. We ended up in these situations because the first piece of the formula was missing for us. Expecting motivation to come out of thin air, or conversations, or watching videos. Yeah, these things do help and I do them too, but they work only they result in actions. Just read through your post and see that you have already figured everything out. You have analyzed each problem and you categorized all problems into sections, with a small explanation next to each part. To each of these problems there are already good solutions out there, and you probably already know them on some level - conscious, or sub-conscious. What helped me a little bit on my own was to actually learn to enjoy my "wasted time". Smoking dope, watching porn, playing games, oversleeping. Do not feel guilty about that. This is your life and you have the right to live it however you want to live it. Live it in a shitty condition if you must, but do not regret it too much and just learn to enjoy that. Meanwhile, think about that vision you have of yourself. Think about what would that guy do if he was in this position, in this very moment. If you feel like it, just do that, do what you best version would do. There is no need to plan years ahead, or to think how this action adds up to your overall progress. That will happen on its own if you just get into the habit, there is just no need to analyze it that much. It seems we are both great over-thinkers, and the remedy to that is to not think too much and just do stuff. Try to enjoy what you are doing. It doesn't work if you force yourself, we've both tried that...

Careful! OP might become attached to dropping things... still an attachment

It's nice to see modern teachers, students, and the communication between them all at one place. Even if it's at a few places, they all end up being interconnected. I pointed out this thread to Rali on FB and expected to see just that - some extended communication. Be it for comedic purposes, or not, this is an epic time to be alive! After maybe three years of being a "seeker", I'm slowly starting to feel some progress. A lot of it is owed to people like you, even though for me it started with Echkart Tolle and his book, The Power Of Now, which I am sure everyone here has read before. Everyone keeps saying that this cannot be intellectualized, but it was through intellectualizing that I could try to understand that book. This is why I like Leo's videos in particular, because he does try to explain it from the standpoint of a person inside the Matrix. I can't say who's enlightened, and who is not. I can surely tell you that great actors do exist, and some even get paid for it. Yet, practical advice can be always be tested personally. Everyone determines what is useful for themselves, and everyone can choose what topics to look into. Nothing is forced here. All this fear that "students can be led astray" is not necessary, because being led astray is an important part of the road. You must first know why something doesn't work before you can say that it does not work with certainty. But don't take my word for it. I am still a student at best, nothing more. I don't think that listening to someone else is wrong if you understand the actions you are taking at least a little bit. And I don't believe that any of this can be taught. It's really chaotic. But, we kind of get better at navigating in the chaos and this is what I would call "progress". Leo and Rali should certainly keep on making videos. It really doesn't matter who is enlightened. I think spreading the concept and making people interested in the topic is doing enough good on its own. People are, indeed, not stupid. They will find books, they will do some Google searches and they will find a ton of material, from various sources. Even if all of this preparation seems ridiculous, if it helps with the mindset - it's worth it, I would say.