Amit

The only thing that has been constant with my relationship is constant ups and down. When I started talking to her, I was a very insecure and needy kind of man, And her love was intense. She kind of healed me with her constant appreciation. Initially I was not sure about her, our situation was such, I had to leave everyone to live with her. It was not a personal decision, I had to talk to people to make sure that they approve it, because I was definitely attached here. But her surrender was unconditional, and that made me 100% sure that my life is going to be with her, no matter what. So when someone doesn't approve of it, I really did not care, because the decision was already made. But I was also afraid, My personality is more of a laid back person and I hate taking advice from others. Although very authentic, I was definitely not a very kind person. Now she knew I was hers, she won me, Due to me not minding the words I used, I hurt her, it hurt me as well that I hurt her. And she couldn't listen, she closed herself completely I remember. And I never wanted her to do that, so I chased her and that made her run away from me even faster I was tired, I was crying with myself in this pain I got attached to her in a very toxic way The other side of my family was trying to pull me back in asking me to let her go I waited and I waited And a thought came to my mind maybe it's because she already has not moved on from her previous partner maybe that is the reason maybe I am just making it too romantic in my mind maybe she is just playing with me and this thought has teared my heart My ego wanted to forget her and look for someone else I went to internet found someone who looked interested a bit and did some hi hello to her but this person felt so distant this person was so far from any kind of self awareness even Oh man, I miss her always and she came back in time since I am authentic, I don't really know how to lie a seed of mistrust and doubt has been put in her mind Now even though sometimes it was great with her she felt very painful sometimes and keep recalling it even though Nothing has truly happened she never trusted me again completely My next job, A really toxic culture of workoholics I lost myself in it Everything got better again for some time she knowing that I am working hard to be with her and she was about to visit me in a month everything planned, everything ready she complained to me that I don't give enough time to her that I was talking to someone else It was not about her It was a part of my personality Coming from my childhood That the people who have mistrusted me was whom I did everything against and it killed me I was constantly loyal to her I was pure in my heart and committed to not even let a thought cross my head of another woman And still being blamed constantly I was broken I was drinking I was smoking The stress has crossed a threshold and I said no to this job even though I got a raise but I could not take how they behaved with me Now It was my relationship that I wanted to spend my whole time on, I wanted my woman to be happy... And alas she sent her photo with another man to me when I just gave up my job for her I was shaking inside out After a lot of days and lot of support of my friends and brothers My family, I could even see through I accepted this fact, It's her life and it was hard to begin with there is so much scope of doubts and misunderstandings when you are in long distance But I still loved her I can't imagine anyone could ever love me like that I still reminisce those memories of earlier times We still used to talk she told me that she doesn't care if I find myself another woman that I killed her already so she doesn't feel anything when it comes to me I was already cried of pain I was always trying to pull her back in but after a point I stopped it I was damaging myself Accepting everything as it is it has transformed me as a person I moved on focusing on my purpose of life completely resetting everything but I still could not fathom her why did I trust her so blindly I found there is a degree of narcissism in her I accepted that we are not made for each other she was too fearful and avoidant of her fears there was no chance she blocked me everywhere and said that we won't contact anymore and I agreed

As a person not good with women, you want to sleep with every woman you see. When you find a woman who is ready to flirt with you and take it forward, you want to talk sexual, you mess up these relationships, because woman can feel that you are not sincere and ready for relationships, they just run from you. you have this immense need for their love and you are in the chase of it, more scarce it become more you chase it. Woman leaves you, gives you heart breaking pain and after you contemplate through the whole thing, you decide to be a better version to yourself. you find another woman and this time you can’t afford to make any mistakes, you put your best self to her, you grow with her, you start to love her truly, time passes, you start taking action to be with her, you fully devote yourself to your feminine because she is the best thing that happened to you. You are super loyal to her, put 11 hours a day working so that future with her is a good one. Suddenly you notice your woman doesn’t send you same messages and not tries to call you, you talk to her about it, only to know that she has moved on to someone else and loves them because I was working when she needed me. your whole vision collapses, all your blind trust in her gets destroyed, you live with yourself in extreme pain, it takes you some time to fathom what has happened. You leave such a job which makes you such an unattractive person. it is so much pain to realise someone has withdrawn their love from you, days pass, you chase them and promise to fix everything, they promise you to never break your trust again, but eventually they break it and tell you that they don’t love you anymore. you are still in shock, although you understand that it’s good to move on, your heart still suffers, you don’t want to date anymore, you want to literally go and suffer in a cave to meditate and achieve a samadhi.

Yes the mind wants to compare and contrast It’s the nature of the mind who knows it better than you my wisdom When you close yourself you pull all of yourself into yourself you don’t want any input but please listen my heart I will be speaking in your heart in your mind constantly everything is communicated there to you directly this text is what it looks like but you know it and feel it it won’t leave you darling I know your truth and it’s absolutely lovable my cutest smile in the whole world ❤️

You have the most beautiful heart your love is unconditional my sweetheart, there is no one in front of you if you didn’t want it it wouldn’t have happened I know you will be back soon to me but my dearest sometimes I just miss you too much I want you to have peace and understand that I will always be in your debt i will always love you from the depths of my heart you are a true treasure No poems can contain you yes you are infinite ❤️❤️❤️?

First why did you lie, Then why did you cry, Was I ever dry, Or did I die, Then why did you die, Why did you not try Why did you not try…

@Enlightement what has happened bro?

All the mind wiped clean Watching clouds fly and weather getting serene Words will flow as poem if you are keen This is a place where you have never been A place of no dream reality as it is, without any powder cream nothing to abandon and nothing to redeem I am not alone, I am the whole team

@meta_male Thanks a lot, your support heals my heart

This is such a synchronicity, that I came across above poem just out of the blue. No, I was not searching for any poem, I was just doing this course, which took me to this link and there I found it, how strange. At this time, when I have decided to let go completely, I read such a poem. However untimely, this poem quite beautifully expresses the passion I held so strongly. The one hand you know that belongs in yours, Or I thought that it belonged to me, but that hand now has been withdrawn from me, and the finding that it never belonged in mine, just give me some more pain, but this pain is what I wanted to know that hand never was mine.

THE TRUELOVE by David Whyte There is a faith in loving fiercely the one who is rightfully yours, especially if you have waited years and especially if part of you never believed you could deserve this loved and beckoning hand held out to you this way. I am thinking of faith now and the testaments of loneliness and what we feel we are worthy of in this world. Years ago in the Hebrides, I remember an old man who walked every morning on the grey stones to the shore of baying seals, who would press his hat to his chest in the blustering salt wind and say his prayer to the turbulent Jesus hidden in the water, and I think of the story of the storm and everyone waking and seeing the distant yet familiar figure far across the water calling to them and how we are all preparing for that abrupt waking, and that calling, and that moment we have to say yes, except it will not come so grandly so Biblically but more subtly and intimately in the face of the one you know you have to love so that when we finally step out of the boat toward them, we find everything holds us, and everything confirms our courage, and if you wanted to drown you could, but you don’t because finally after all this struggle and all these years you simply don’t want to any more you’ve simply had enough of drowning and you want to live and you want to love and you will walk across any territory and any darkness however fluid and however dangerous to take the one hand you know belongs in yours.

Actually I took it from her, I definitely see people changing and transforming themselves constantly. a female covert narcissist complains to you if you don’t invest and fully commit, their whole point is to make you feel guilty for not being able to make them happy, so when you are a good person your instinct is to make her happy, and that’s when you over invest and get trapped. she told me that relationship is effort ?… exactly opposite to what you are saying, When you are inexperienced to them in comparison, you tend to listen to them since you are humble enough.

@Enlightement I was blind to not see all the red flags, but I recently found out that she matches all the descriptions of a female covert narcissist. Now I feel good about it, it’s not just that the time was wasted, more important is that I will be able to filter out such females now. thanks for your advice. ?

With mother’s blessing all my wound seems to disappear, it’s just a calm peace in my heart. sometimes few thoughts perturb the mind but all of them are moving to the direction I want them to be, not in the direction of the older patterns of anxiousness, something very strange has happened, something outside of logical domain, seems like blessing of mother. O mother, I always asked you to give me evidences and you have thrown one at me every single time I asked. I just want to devote myself completely in your feet, for dharm raksha. O mother, you will never abandon me, I know O healer of my heart, I know O greatest therapist of my mind, take me deeper into my own subconscious and let me love this amazing creation of astral and subtle bodies. O mother, put me to your use, I don’t want anything else, just to be your devoted child.

Normally, I will be sad on a news like this from her, But today seems like special blessings of divine mother on me. Because of divine mother’s inspiration I told her my feelings and I actually thought of it as a test to her. I would actually never do such a test but it was divine blessings, mother doesn’t want me to suffer when she has a presence in my life. I would never even know and keep suffering because she thought she can handle it that way, but mother exposed it from her. Divine mother doesn’t want her in my life because she is not good for me and I am completely sure about it now. thank you mother ?

@integral honestly I am out of this game already. It was my only last chance, I have seen enough and very deeply. I am truly happy that I didn’t have to call it off, because I want to be integral with what I say, and now I got my freedom again and this time there is no one to influence me in sorts of jobs I don’t want to do. This has provided me all the time and space, I can literally build whatever I want, this is a true gift from her. thanks a lot for those kind words.

A calmness floats in my heart, freedom replaces all the anxieties and extra thinking, it is all absolute love which doesn’t care to think. she will still be my love, but I will not be waiting, I know it’s more about getting that emotional support and love and my mom has plenty of it in the stocks for me. also I myself can generate this sort of love for my own self, there is absolutely no need for someone who doesn’t want me anymore. I am surprised why jealousy and enmity not even crossing my mind, no such emotions at all, just a bit of hurt to be lied to.

@Tenebroso yes true, I kinda agree that women even though being more emotional than men, in today’s society are spoiled, just because they have more options yada yada.. I actually considered my woman being special like having higher values than most, and it really made her ugly to me when she did not follow through and that’s why I feel calm in my heart, nothing lost actually. If it was me who was not fully committed and had pure feelings in my heart, I would have felt worse. Right now, it doesn’t hurt anymore to accept the truth of the matter. thanks @NoSelfSelf @Ajax @meta_male to making me aware of your perspectives, it was very valuable for me.

@Tenebroso Can you give me examples, what do you mean by barriers?

@Ajax there was a time, when this was the case but with time it’s not like this anymore. I am not as needy as your guys might be interpreting with my words, it’s more of a issue accepting what is said to be truth of female psychology, since women in my life were kind and nurturing, and I can feel woman more deeply than a normal human would, therefore I tend to appreciate feminine a lot.

@NoSelfSelf honestly I don’t think I need therapy because I understand this part of me pretty well and I really don’t act on this feeling of neediness anymore. But thank you to bring it so that we can move to the real issue here. I would like to know your opinion on other aspect of this, which I found to be a reason for my recent breakup? The difference of mindset between western cultures vs Indian culture.. since west is more materialistic, the relationship becomes more about pleasure seeking and getting a need fulfilled, not about the unity of shiva and Shakti. Do you agree that western mindset is damaging and women do more harm to themselves by keep switching partners so easily.?

What kind of therapy?

Writing to think, can a reader steal your thoughts, your writings? certainly they can but it will be shared, they can take advantage of a new idea, but most probably they won’t be interested. people are so much lost in their own heads, in their own worlds that it doesn’t matter for them. They don’t care what you write unless you establish that what you write is valuable to them. and then they will come like flies in a crowd, it’s so freeing to realise how exponentially your followers grow when you cross the threshold of what is called valuable. getting popular is a remedy to failure, to fail in your mission of what you truly want to say, what you want to say most probably not going to be valuable for the masses and hence low probability of being popular. so the goal is to not be popular, goal is to attract the type of audience you want, quality audience, who you would love to talk, and only those few matter.

You are your only true person the Shakti that you chase outside is within to chase All attachments eventually turn into sorrows A marriage is not a choice of a free man making children is not contingent of her being your lover twin flames, soul mates are just hoax the words without any meaning, any truth who seem happy right now will be very sad it’s just looks and pretentions

It’s amazing to be alone again all the weights being taken away you literally feel like flying you can choose anything life at crossroads again even your conscience is clear you won this time you made a new and healthy pattern you loved yourself there is no hurt at all proud that you remain determined Even in the midst of powerful cyclones everything was a learning and life gave me a new road to drive onto

For me, they are Being born in a family where there was an extreme level of control on you as a child about what you can do and can’t do. When you were threatened for literal death by your own father if you dare to chase girls like other guys, living in a sexually repressed culture. you become a person who is afraid to open your mouth in front of feminine, you have least chances of getting a woman, that’s what becomes your most precious chase, and that’s what you needed to let go to become realised eventually, and that happens afte you have intense experiences and rejections over and over.