jennywise

OK so, I've listened to ALOT of Leo's video's now & I'm starting to get frustrated & overwhelmed, because I am apparently severe damaged goods in need of a maHAYjor overhaul. I.E. Leo, ALL- like AALLLLLALLALL your shit applies to me- up one neurotic side & down the fucking other. There's too much- it's all important & I have not a CLUE where to begin. Please do not give me some namby pamby BS about just start wherever & as long as you take action things will eventually get better- NO! Sorry, I'm getting too old too fast for that; My dreams are WAY too big to not at least try to go about accomplishing them in the most efficient way possible. I need a map, so I guess this is me pullin' over to ask for directions bc I'd rather plant my ass on the comfy unawakened grass, than spin my wheels. So, all I really need, sweetheaded Leo is for you to tell me - me, personally, what order to watch your videos in!- I should say, "do" the videos though, bc I've listened to alot of them & alot of them have prescribed work- not too much, just 20mins or so here & there, 20 mins meditation, 25 mins worth of affirmations, I gotta look myself in the mirror & repeat "I Love You & I accept you exactly as you are." 25 times for the next 30 days- (my husband already think I've lost my fucking mind.) I bought this huge fucking whiteboard to start doing some goal setting & it's a clusterfrk mess, cuz like I said, ALL your shit applies to me & Well, honey child, momma just don't have that many spare hours in my day! I have to work on one or two things at a time & I've listened to enough of them to know I have to do work in SEveral areas & the practical manifestations of that "Work" would most definitely co-incide, if not blow eachother the fuck up, BUT- I do NOT need coaching, well maybe I do, but I flat cant afford it regardless, besides, the videos & their prescribed work are gold. I can follow directions, & I'm up to the task. I don't need hand holding, & I don't have the $ for the course. BUT what I was HOPING, Leo, darling, oops sorry, after watching so many of your videos I feel like I know you, I was hoping that for a discounted, like WAY below what I know your time is worth, (like maybe, like $50?) I could kind of get a discounted version of personal coaching which amounts to you reading my like 5 pages of my story, my predicaments, my purpose, ma sitcheeashawn, lol- just like a wee mini-bio complete with why I feel compelled to follow your advice in the first place; and, all you have to provide me with after a very careful and thorough reading & a deeply meditative thoughtful process- is a list of #'s of your videos in the order you surmise I should work them. So what dya say, Leo? Pretty please with new whiteboard markers on top? That's all, folks! OK after reading through this, I guess I'd probably want a brief written explanation for the order, not JUST a list of #'s lol- sorry -Jenny

Hi Marina! I just wanted to say thank you for putting so succinctly part of what happened to me- except that my experience didnt include as much- no human interaction, for example, because it lasted about 5 minutes for me- I felt like i must have felt as a very young infant- nothing had any labels or conditions, but because it was so fleeting I couldn't get my head around how an dip in that state of mind- (in my head I keep referring to it as noumena- for lack of a better term) could end- but because it did & because it was so brief - until I read your description just now I had decided that I had imagined it- or that my sadistic mind was toying with me. Now Im the one with the waterworks on because now I know, theres no way I could have imagined it- thank you.

Hi! Newby here - name's Jenny. I've been listening to several of Leo's youtube videos for weeks now & just listened to the Spiritual Enlightenment (the most SHOCKING..) that one. I swear I'm not trying to be cute or anything here, but I already knew all of this- maybe there were a few things that I hadn't conceptualized in quite that way before, but it certainly isn't shocking. In fact the main emotional reaction I have is the same one I have for life in general, which is basically this: Its rather tedious to have to wake up every morning still addicted to all the 10,000 delusions- having to operate within society, within the delusion of self, within the confines of the senses and the attachment to emotion, when I know perfectly well and deep that none of it is real- that this temporary sensation of a self is just something (however silly or alternatively wonderful- just thoughts) that the universe is doing, in the same way that it is doing a donkey taking a dump in Peru, a butterfly getting smashed against a windshield, or a mother saving her child from certain death. The point is, I still want to do good- I still want that child saved, that seal to not be bludgeoned to death, I still feel guilty if I don't bring some money into this household to buy my kids the same junk their friends have- I need these things to have meaning- and yet they don't. I know I need them to have meaning so that I don't abandon my life & kids & go live on a beach somewhere. I want to know the truth for truth's sake at the same time as I know there can be no knowing of it really. But the other stuff sounds great- the mastering emotions part- bc the thing that threatens to drive me completely insane is that, for me, these two things are always simultaneously true in my mind: whatever emotion or sensation I am currently experiencing, and the awareness that that very experience is fundamentally untrue. Plus I cry alot & find it extremely annoying to not be able to not cry when I try to discuss anything deeper than the fucking weather. So I guess I'm just announcing what camp I fall into in hopes that Leo will read this & tell me where best to go from here. Boohoo poor little me, lol!

Wow- yes- absolutely- wait, if I'm not me, are YOU me?!!! Except I don't feel any sort of self-congratulatory feelings on doing deep spiritual work, in fact it also has a catch 22 nature for me, because I think it's essential to do before trying to wrestle with other demons, (for example procrastinating doing something that will lead to personal success) and at the same time, the fact that it is so time consuming makes it feel like just another self indulgent way to procrastinate. In fact a part of me really envies people who are thoroughly invested in their illusions- people of faith for example, man they are so into their realities, I mean they really dig them. but the viscious circle thing I totally hear you. But I'm not as depressed all the time as I come off- just when i start thinking about my life's purpose & the idea that I may never figure it the fuck out!

So I'm guessing as long as my experiences of no self (what I thought was a taste of enlightenment- but, *sucker punch* I guess not)- as long as I continue to be blocked by self-loathing that means any experience I thought I was having is just more thoughts and essentially another delusion, since it is not manifesting itself as love and compassion. Great.

Ok, So today I'm starting this thing honestly half-heartedly due to being internally nagged that it's just another waste of time & that I should be coreographing new Zumba routines & listening to youtube videos on how to generate real estate leads. But no, shut-up nag self, I'm already doing it. OK - SO let's see... I'm thinking 2nd person voice will be best for this journal, esp. as everytime I say "I" , I'm identifying with the ego, so, yeah- I'll just address myself in the 2nd person- see how that works...OK today- where u at, girl?! Struggling with which path to take in letting myself be coached by my new favorite person, Mr. Leo. Ok,Warning, Jen- U tend to idolize people you'd like to learn from- you just learned in his judgement video that u deem yourself beneath almost everyone bc youve decided everyone is more adept at life than u. Mmmm I'm already criticizing myself- maybe 2nd person voice is not the way to go. Oh Dear GOD- just take notes! Ok so I've loved the Enlightenment series so far- but it's making me question everything & I need to quickly start bringing an income into this house so I don't get thrown out. SO, just now listened to the "Stop judging yourself video, bc HellsBells do I do that like constantly! I think i'm going to listen to the how to love yourself one next. Lord knows I've spent at least the last ten years beating myself to a bloody pulp, so I could probably use some love... or am I just being lazy? probably, but I've already pissed half this day away so why the fuck not. Yes- I'm apparently depressed too. whoohoo. Well that was totally unproductive journaling- Oh well, I'll do better tomorrow.

That is so interesting- I never thought about why I seek enlightenment- (but then I'm only recently terming it as such- I've historically just thought, "answers.") I've always done that- even when I was a kid I had a sneaking suspicion that every human around me was terribly confused. I encountered alot of judgement for questioning everything- until I get older & a teacher thinks it's a good thing- (then he goes & bursts that bubble by coming on to me, lol) Anyway, I've just always been a seeker at heart, so seeking 'enlightenment" doesn't feel like something I want- It feels more like something I need to make more sense of the big Whys of life. More akin to an air-hose underwater, than a possession. Plus, I've never trusted myself- anytime I make any proclamation, I instantly tear it down with indignant scoffing that such foolishness is merely laziness in disguise... (Oh, you're soooo deep Jenny, I guess that's your excuse for veing a total bum") -& that's the excuse I have for writing that! & If u get why that's hilarious, you get me!

Dude, tell that to my creditors! I'm impressed that you participate in the forum, Leo. I find it encouraging too; thank you for your reply. I joke about creditors, but seriously- It's all well & good to experience the void & realize just how much of our lives we spend in a dream- but the dream is per force, is it not? My experience of these things so far is this- when I go looking for the self, I find there's no there there, which points to everything. It renders the sensation that I am an aperture of sorts- and so is everything else- just a way of awareness to be aware of itself. It makes "me" utterly meaningless and simultaneously, essential to the entire universe- cool. But, isn't it almost just semantics to realize life is just a game if we are compelled to play on? I love doing this work- so much so that I find it suspect- like junk food- anything that is this much fun must just be another self-sabotage angle at work- keeping me on the computer, or in meditation pose -i.e. not working. See, this is my lovely masochistic buggabear- I am a master at finding ways to not be materially successful (and yes- I have a pre-existing judgement that rich people are bad.) But I reached a brick wall of self loathing for not being able to follow through on a goddamn thing because I know I'm going to fail anyway, and it's so much more comfortable lying on the couch listening to your scrumptious voice. So apparently I have a clusterfuck rat's nest of issues sabotaging any success, but Ive also come to a place where continuing to self sabotage has become intolerable. So I know the answer already of course- forget about the actualization stuff for now & listen instead to the videos instead that tell me to get off my ass, right? But here's something I can't contend with- it often seems like it is willing things that I have a problem with, which is interesting. In the 3rd video in the enlightenment series you mention that we must "will" this experience, but does that mean that the will originates outside of the self? Or can the self will itself out of existence- because THAT is where I say the money is- I'd quite like to will myself into an amalgamation of several other people & right the fuck out of this tired vessel. But mustn't I will it? Where does that intention originate & If I can will the experience of my own non-existence, why the hell can't I simply will myself out of all the crap that is holding me back from making changes to that self the moment I realize that I no longer wish to have the attachment to the destructive pattern? OK, I'm stopping bc I could go on forever & this is too long. Btw, I guess this goes without saying in a forum, but I know I'm addressing Leo, but if anyone else has helpful insights I would equally love to read those too. (well , almost equally! ;o)

Hi Tony & 'Undo the Curse' Thank you very much for your replies. Indeed, what is there to master & also, why? I mean, the whole perspective kind of leaves you with the feeling of, Well, F-it! Whats the point in trying to better myself if there's no self to better? For me, the answer is something like, Well, even if I can intellectually concede that Self is illusory, I still feel the sensations of the illusion, (i.e. I can't help but want to be a better mother, companion, successful provider, etc. because this world demands it. The problem lies in the continual mental fatigue that results from continually holding opposing viewpoints, and how to operate within this world without being subject to it's delusions.

But one would have to take one's self seriously to be depressed- I don't- at all. I am seeking spiritual enlightenment- thats why Im here. I'm just thinking that with this course of study, like any other, the next step on your journey is determined by your starting point. So I just wanted to say that I find these truths he speaks of in that video to be self-evident, but I am still nonetheless very driven by my apparent inability to let go of that which I can no longer ascribe to- that being the ego & it's many false conceptions.