bflare

Yeah it maybe that I am just more aware. I do meditate once a day but for only 5 minutes. I have found that this has given me periods of no thought randomly throughout the day. When I catch myself thinking I find it almost impossible to just watch the thoughts. I feel attached to them like unable to separate from them. I find this really difficult to be honest.

Yeah distraction is good! I attend AA twice per week which I really enjoy & I read when I can plus I am trying to gain a better social circle than I had before. I separated from my ex in October 2018 which was a very toxic relationship which I am still trying to heal from.

Due to some ongoing health concerns & checks that I am having done I am becoming very anxious with all the what 'if's' questions racing through my head. I logically know that this is futile & is not achieving anything. To try & combat this health anxiety I am trying to be mindful throughout the day. For instance when I wake up I try to listen to the birds, I will feel the sun when I walk out side, I will feel the hot water when I am washing the dishes. Anything just to bring me back into the present where everything is just ok. I am finding this difficult to do. It's like when I consciously make the effort to be mindful this conscious thought just makes me think more. It's like a snow ball effect. I realise I am not present which starts a torrent of thinking even if I then try to be mindful. I also have this voice in my head that's telling me that I should be worried. It's like it's pulling me back like a naughty child saying to me 'you have to be worried because if you not then you are tempting fate'. This actually sounds messed up haha. Any tips please?

Yeah fighting is normal within reason but this was different. I was constantly trying to avoid fights. It was making me stressed out. I had to come to terms that this woman was never going to change. She broke up with me 30 times. A friend said to me "when are you going to leave her? When she's broken up with you for the 150th time because she's lost all respect for you & she's met someone else". This hit home to me. As the saying goes "Insanity - doing the same thing over & over again & expecting a different result" Her mom was shocking for verbal abuse. The full family would verbally abuse each other & fight.

You have just reminded me about Leo's video 30 Red flags. I think the last time I watched it I spotted well over 20 red flags in my ex. Now when I listen to women I can spot toxic behaviour pretty quickly. That is the benefit of been in an unhealthy relationship. I have learnt a lot to be honest. In future I will just cut them off & listen to my intuition which I ignored last time.

Thanks for the video & you are totally right. Yeah early twenties & I was in my mid 30's when we got together. It is ridiculous how I am allowing myself to get so bent out of shape. I think it shows a great deal of work that I need to do on myself. If I had an healthy amount of self respect & self love I would just move on but I haven't so I need to take this opportunity to work on that.

There was of cause positive stuff. She could be very loving & caring & when we got on we got on great. We were always there for each other. But, the negatives started to out weigh the positives. When someone who is supposed to care & love you starts discarding you regularly & calls you some nasty cruel things your self respect starts to diminish & then your confidence. I stayed in the relationship due to intermittent reinforcement & trauma bonding. This is why millions of couples stay in abusive relationships. It's not as easy as just getting out sometimes. They manipulate you in such a way that they give you periods of intense love with periods of intense negativity. This creates a chemical addiction from the roller coast ride of emotions. You become addicted to the highs & the lows. https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/04/5-signs-youre-in-a-destructive-trauma-bond-with-a-toxic-person/

Yep you are bang on. We were attracted to each other because I was a giver & she needed what I could give. I have been reading books on narcissism & co-dependency. I actually started to set boundaries after I saw a therapist last year who suggested that I was co-dependent. When I started to set boundaries which she labelled as manipulative the problems really started. She called me uncaring then the final discard came where she said she didn't love me anymore.

Sorry I think my post may have been slightly confusing. I have been separated from my ex for 6 months now. We were together for almost 3 years. I have done a lot of introspection & I believe because I am a caretaker & she needed constant attention we were attracted to each other. Also, because I have low self esteem & low self worth & believe that I am unattractive her youthfulness & beauty counteracted this. I need to work on myself so that this does not happen again. I also think I am trauma bonded to her due to the rollercoaster of emotions that I experienced. All the love bombing then devaluation & discard episodes has given me an addiction to the drama. I guess staying no contact & time will help heal this?

Thank you for this. I have cut every one out of my life who are toxic apart from my son's mum but I have to stay in contact with her due to our son but I limit contact. I do not see my old friends as they were toxic & I now have a new group of friends. I really like your suggestion about loving myself as I think this is a massive part as to why I keep allowing people to treat me bad. It was her youthfulness & beauty which I was attracted to & the love bombing. I guess my ego really liked this & made me feel better about myself. I ignored all the red flags which I now regret. I will look in to eating less sugar. Thanks for this suggestion.

I was responsible for allowing her to do what she did. I was responsible for keeping myself in the situation perhaps longer than necessary & for various other (conscious or subconscious) actions that enable her abusive behaviour. I am wholly responsible for how I react & respond to stressors in my environment. I was responsible for entering a relationship with a women who I knew was toxic. On this part I absolutely agree. If I was responsible for making the relationship work then so was she, agree? Therefore, if she wanted the relationship to work then she would have behaved in an healthy way would she have not? This is her responsibility not mine. I cannot make someone behave in a certain way nor is it my job to. I do not have control over this. The only thing I can control is how I react. I understand what you are trying to say but I am afraid I cannot & will not accept direct responsibility for her own behaviour. I am responsible for accepting it & inviting it but at the end of the day we all have to be responsible for ourselves. We are responsible for our thoughts and behaviour, whether deliberate or unintentional. Also, please tell me if I was incompetent as you say how you make a relationship work with someone who is emotionally & mentally abusive? The only incompetence on my part was no leaving the relationship sooner. My therapist said there was a strong chance that this lady had a personality disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder due to her erratic mood swings & abandonment issues . People with BPD tend to never seek help or therapy due to the nature of the disorder. Therefore, was this my incompetence? should I of just 'made it work' as you say?

Thank you for your reply. Yeah I agree I think we both didn't really love each other in the right way. She was beautiful & it made me happy, I was soft & a people pleaser which she wanted. I definitely do not love myself & the way I combat this is trying to get approval from others including her. I did things for her that I shouldn't have done just for approval & the sense that she loved me. She needed this as she herself was insecure & needed constant attention. We both fulfilled each others needs but in an unhealthy way. I have gone no contact & I have not spoken to her for almost 5 months I think. However, I was looking on her Facebook page from my business page I have up until 3 weeks ago & this was a bad bad idea as she was posting things on purpose to either make me jealous or get a reaction. I blocked her & deactivated my account & I have started to feel a bit better, I do not feel I need closure & any contact with her would put me back to square one so I am avoiding this. I still need a way to start & love myself however, I have noticed that I am now spotting toxic women & staying well away. Before I was attracted to this type of woman & I would try to fix them but not any more. I am glad you finally met a fantastic woman

I disagree. I was responsible for allowing it to continue but I did not actively make her do what she did or did I? If she cheated on me did I make her cheat on me? If I am murdered was I to blame? This is dangerous territory in my opinion. Everyone should be responsible for their own actions.

Firstly apologies for the long post. I split up from my gf of almost 3 years 6 months ago. She said she no longer loved me. This was the 30th time that she had broken up with me & I said enough was enough. I have been finding it really difficult coming to terms with not seeing her ever again & I have had to go no contacts to try & heal. Towards the end of the relationship I had some therapy & it was suggested that I may have been co-dependent. A lot of things happened in the relationship that I just accepted where other people would not. Even though some s**t things happened I find myself missing her a lot & wanting to contact her but I am resisting as if I did contact her it would just end up toxic again after a while. I have asked for some more therapy to help me deal with this but wondered in the mean time how I could help myself. I think I also need confirmation that the relationship was toxic & that I have done the correct thing staying away. Any advice would be fantastic. These are just a few of the things that happened. 1.Most arguments would result in me having to apologise Sometimes she didn’t get my texts & would accuse me of lying about sending them. I even screen shot them & she accused me of photo shopping them 2. She would call me nasty or horrible when I told her not to talk to me like shit 3. Instead of communicating like adults during a disagreement she would say ‘go away’ ‘leave me alone’ ‘cya’ ‘what ever’ ‘bye’ 4. After a break up she would say ‘I am lucky she is talking to me’ 5. She added old acquaintances on Facebook to ‘piss them off’ because she was dating me & to get revenge on them because she always wins 6. She would have me wake her up on a morning with a phone call & sometimes it took me 20 or 30 times. If she didn’t wake up it was my fault for not phoning her enough. I eventually stopped doing this & she gave me grief about it for weeks saying I didn’t care any more 7. When we would break up she would change her Facebook to single almost immediately without even discussing things 8. There were often times when she would 'test me' by saying things to see my reaction 9. She was very erratic and she broke up with me at least 30 times and each time she got nasty. 10. Once she called me fat ugly and grotesque when she broke up with me 11. I was older than her by 14 years so she would always mention my age & how she didn’t want to be looking after an old person when she’s still young & got her life to live 12. She hardly had any friends & the ones she did have were normally unstable. She said all the other friends from school etc were all jealous of her & are ‘bitches’ 13. When she was in a mood or something was wrong she would drop kisses off of texts and not tell me what was wrong 14. She would constantly accuse me of speaking to women on line when I'm sure she was speaking to guys and she did show me a message where she had gone to this guy who she hardly knew and asked him how he was then went on to ask him about his job and why he had split from his gf. It turned out he cheated on her with a married woman and my ex thought this was hilarious. She wouldn't take him off Facebook when I told her how uncomfortable this made me feel. 15. Her mom was verbally abusive & called me ugly to my own mother 16. She said he never lied but I caught her telling a guy that she worked in a bank when she had actually been unemployed for 6 years 17. I created a resume for her 2 years ago to help her get a job & she constantly asks me to send the resume off to employees. I did tell her that she needs to do it herself & she had a massive argument with me because I told her that she cannot keep asking me to do this as I have my own stuff to do. 18. She once said she couldn’t see me but then said she was off out drinking to a club. She later admitted that she made it up to piss me off. She did things like this often & when I said it wasn’t nice her excuse was that she did it to see how I would react because I don’t show her I care enough 19. If I didn’t reply to her texts at work within a certain amount of time she texts me again calling me ignorant or accusing me of talking to someone else because I have not replied quick enough 20. She asked for my number after a break up once through email as she had deleted it, when I gave her it instead of a normal response like 'thanks' she took the chance to use the power play again and said 'now I can block it'. 21. After the last break up I said we could be friends. This didn’t last long & she said friends will not work as I am not her priority anymore. 22. She would tell me to piss off because she is not in the mood & I am getting on her nerves or I was annoying her 23. We once broke up because she said I didn’t put sweet things on Facebook anymore so I said please stop causing drama. She said I was been nasty & dumped me. She then came back & made me tell her what I had done wrong. She basically manipulated me into saying I had done something wrong when all I had said was please stop causing drama. I apologised just so she would speak to me. 24. She would constantly text me ‘you’re quiet’ if I didn’t text her for a while when I was at work 25. She once broke up with me telling me to ‘I’ts over, f**k off & leave me alone’. The next morning she texted me asking me to apologise. 26. She would accuse me of not listening to her when its because she had not explained herself properly. 27. When we are discussed things & I asked her to repeat it or clarify it she would refuse & say I should have listened

You are right. I am making all this up in my head, I have no idea if she prefers this or that. It is to do with how I see myself. I know in my heart that I am more intelligent, compassionate, honest, caring so why am I not mentioning these? As you say it I am using her as a mirror I am projecting my insecurities onto her. My insecurities are my looks & that's what I am imagining that she is comparing me against with him. The jealousy or envy is my own making due to my insecurities. Now I need to find out how to solve this?