DavidBorja

As long as you see people as a useable resource, you'll keep being frustrated by relationships. What are your interests? Maybe tapping into those will heal you more than forcing yourself to hang out with people if you're stuck in pessimism about the interactions. Having interests and engaging them is really important for mental health and self worth. When you have those in place, you might feel yourself more "ready" to be around other people, because you won't need them to entertain you; you already know how to entertain yourself. Then you're a little bit more present to actually connecting with them about their life, interests, opinions, etc. Also, you seem to have an argumentative streak and are discounting what people are saying in this thread. If you spend a lof of your time focusing on what people are saying that you think is wrong, instead of trying to find what you might agree with, you'll continue pushing people away. Online and in person. Further, if people hurt you in the past, take a look at the Limiting Beliefs episode Leo shot a while back. It had some powerful questions regarding how we limit ourselves as a form of self protection. I think what you've gone through fits the bill perfectly. Lastly I'll quickly say that I've gone through similar issues myself. Struggling a lot with thoughts of "But what will people think of me! It's safer to just stay alone." That works short term for soul searching and healing. I found over time that some of my happiest moments have always been in the presence of other people, and my personal successes are only sweetened when I have close friends to cheer me on. Hope that makes sense or helps in some way.

I'm certainly not an expert, but I think some solid ideas I try to live by in my relationship are: You can't control someone and love them at the same time. Two incomplete people do not make ONE complete relationship; both people need to have their own sense of completeness. I don't know if those statements need further explaining, but I'll try. On the point of control, you need to be ready to fully accept a person. If that means you like 80% of them, and are bothered by 20% of them, you have to learn to live with that 20% and love the crap out of that 80%. You do not make it your job to try to 'fix' that 20%. You accept that person is human, will make mistakes, and will change of their own accord when you're together. For me, love is that slow releasing of ideas of what my 'ideals' are, and embracing what reality is presenting to me. It's way easier said than done. As far as completeness, I don't mean that you have to have 100% of your life figured out, with all of your needs and goals met. I just mean that you need to have a sense of what you would be doing if you weren't in the relationship. Do you have other areas in your life that you find meaningful? Career, sure. But also interests, hobbies, friends, things you're learning about, relaxation, etc? If you don't have things going on outside of your intimate relationship, you'll stagnate, get clingy, and you and/or your partner will get resentful. It's bad news. Those two are the first that come to mind, hope they help in some way.

24 y.o. here, and I've been through a little casual sex with men, and two committed relationships (still in a committed relationship just over 2 years). I'll say that both casual sex and committed relationships take a lot of time and emotional labor, but some of the most profound lessons I've learned about myself have been because of intimate relationships. Lessons learned from good relationships and bad relationships. Through my intimate (and even friendly) relationships, I've worked through a host of social anxieties. I've learned by participating in these dynamics, not by telling myself "I'll try them when I get to my 30s". For me, working on relationships and my career through my 20s has been tough, but very rewarding. I don't think I would have been happy if I only put energy into my career, or only put energy into a relationship. I think the majority of people will balance between career and relationships. Especially once they have families. I'm not watching all of the video of this guy, because he's using a ton of masculine norms to get his point across. Talking about using all your testosterone to fuel your drive to 'get shit done' is nice in theory, but I think his line of reasoning steers toward a lone-wolf stereotype that leads a lot of men deep into isolation, toxic competitiveness, and objectifying of women. @Viking if you haven't had sex yet, go do that. It's fun, you'll develop some understanding of what's out there, and maybe you'll meet someone nice. Maybe you'll meet a well-adjusted girl who can respect your wants for a good career, and will give you the space to do that. If you can commit to quality time at least once a week, and communicating seriously at least once a day, you'll be fine. Or not! and you'll slowly find what works for you. You start to feel it when things are off, so keep listening to your feelings. Also, plenty of women are sexually active for their entire life. The idea that you'd waste a girl's time if she spends her early 20s with you is ridiculous. If there's a concern about a girl not being attractive because "beauty is gone once a girl hits 30," that's just not true. This guy seems to have a pretty limited idea about what men and women are capable of, and what they can accomplish within a relationship. A bro fidgeting with his beer at the table very clearly indicated to me that I'm not his target audience, lmao. Hope I'm making some sense.

Hey there! Slightly related to Leo's video a while back 'All Criticism is Untenable', this one gets into some nitty gritty ideas of trying to do criticism well, while giving examples of critics who seem to have a difficult relationship with their own mental health. The pinned comment on YT has an outline of the video if you wanna skim the points ahead of time. Let me know what you think!

Hey there, I'm currently trying a 12-Step program to look at an addiction to Judgment. My hope is that I can find someone who's gone through a similar journey with being judgmental (judgment of self, people, art, experiences, ideas, work etc), and is farther along in their healing process. More specifically, I would like to correspond with someone over Step 5: "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." So I'm looking for someone to read some thoughts to. I've been on a self-help / healing journey since August 2016. Worked closely with a therapist, taken some courses, use Actualized.org (& the Life Purpose course), self-inquire, meditate, and have been reading self-help material pretty consistently. Briefly, my life follows: growing up in a conservative Christian family, dealing with homosexual attraction, struggling with isolation/self-hate, being discouraged by my parents from following creative passions... Then after coming out and living on my own having a lot of trouble forming authentic relationships, and an authentic work life. Since beginning my inner-work I've gained a little more perspective. I've evolved my worldview to understand the actions of others a bit better. Still, I know there's deeper territory for me to work through, as I continue struggling with unhealthy work habits, make poor choices for collaboration partners, and feeling strong urges to 'fix' people's problems while becoming overly invested in their lives. - If this is anything you feel able to start a correspondence around, let me know. If you have a similar journey with 'judgment' as a part of your life that would be a bonus. I'm only looking for one or two conversations per month for a few months, as the addiction I'm dealing with is subtle and won't require a TON of external accountability. I'm confident I can continue on my current path and make progress regardless. I'm very committed to my growth, so if at any moment you feel your time is being wasted, I'll understand if you need a break. Please post here or private message with a bit of background about yourself and why you'd like to help! Thanks for reading. -David

Thanks so much everyone! This is so encouraging, ahhhh <3 @Arman I'm using a field recorder mic, haha. I'll post the brand later. @Saarah I have played an embarrassing amount of Animal Crossing, haha. I love the music. And thanks for the note about sticking to one subject. This did try to cover a lot of ground in a short time, so sticking to one idea would keep things tighter. Thanks

Hey all, been following this site and Leo's work since mid-2016. People around here will likely be familiar with the subjects this cartoon touches on. It covers the bare basics of monkey mind, focus, and self-care. If this interests you, please take a look! This was very time-consuming, so I probably won't make another animation. But! I am interested in making more comedic / informative talks on interesting subjects, so feedback for this will be very useful. Let me know if you have any advice or reactions to the video! Thanks very much! ♥

1. Truth 2. Passion 3. Nature 4. Connection 5. Contribution 6. Progress 7. Adventure 8. Self-Expression 9. Art 10. Calm I really appreciate the following note: values are works in progress. It's good to revisit them, because they can change in priority, simplify, or we'll find something unexpected coming into focus for us.

@Arkandeus I agree that arts and media are important aspects of culture, and can help us grow in empathy, knowledge. They can help us relax. It just seems to me that the media you described: are not high-consciousness sources, I imagine. Of course there are great youtube channels, thoughtful 9gag posts, and good anime, but these are all under the umbrella of media-consumption, IE solitary screentime. I appreciate your emphasis on being over doing. If that's the case, why bother with media at all? The joy of being is inside you, not in the media.

I actually do recommend you go cold turkey, but only for 7 days. No videos, internet, books, music with lyrics, tv, news, etc. This comes from a book called The Artist's Way at Work. The rationale: media is blocking out the thoughts and sensations that you are holding in your body/mind/spirit. Our inner world is buried deeper by every piece of media we pile onto it. Media is addictive, yet culturally acceptable, which makes it seem "fine". I think this needs to be challenged. Some common struggles (usually don't last more than 3 days): Restlessness, mental chatter, boredom, cravings, anxiety, mild depression... Some common benefits: Increased sex drive, sociability, reconfigured priorities, deeper meditation, deeper sleep, higher productivity... Practically speaking: You can create your own rules, really. Cover your TV/PC with sheets. Temporarily hide/delete unnecessary apps in your phone. Ask a close friend to call you every night at dinner, to ask if you checked media that day (and be honest with them!) ... When thinking about what to do, ask yourself "Is this a 2-dimensional activity or a 3-dimensional activity?" 2D means you're passive to the experience (media, eating, shopping, drugs), 3D means you're actually engaged (creating, writing, studying, sports/exercise, deep self-inquiry, vulnerable conversations, etc). If you can't decide on something to do, then don't! Lie down in a park and breathe. Think of this is as serious YOU time. Feel free to journal the process: The emotions that come up. Log how you're actually spending your time and see if other soft-addictions might be present (busy-ness, food, sex, procrastination, gossip, etc.) Get in touch with why you want to self-actualize. Prioritize the subjects you truly want to read, for when you're ready to hit the books! - This process REALLY helped shake me out of a deep media addiction of my own last year. I return to it here and there whenever I'm feeling jaded, frustrated, or compulsive with my media intake (I also work in animation on computers all day, so this takes a lot of dilligence). @Arkandeus I disagree with your approach. I don't think enlightenment can come from a screen. Media can convey enlightening ideas, but that's all those are going to be: ideas. Labels. It sounds like you're heavily justifying your media addiction by calling the addicted part of yourself your "authentic self". I hope you also consider taking a break and getting out of the house.

I've heard this sensation called "bulbous-teeny", meaning "the feeling of being very big, and very small, back-and-forth and/or at the same time". I felt it at the start of my practice but haven't felt it as much lately, and it could have been related to the novelty of meditative experiences. I observed the sensation. I don't seek it really, but I agree with you that it's nice. It's interesting that you say part of you "wants" more of that experience. Continue meditating and noticing the part of you that "wants" certain things out of meditation. And as far as "making sense of it"; I've heard explanations of this sensation as the ego taking control of physical perceptions because it's being threatened. Imagine a boat being rocked because the sea monster underneath has been detected. There's likely a more scientific explanation for the sensation, that someone after me can contribute! May the both of us keep practicing <3

Hey all! I'm looking for some thoughts on body-image and cosmetic surgery, in terms of practicality and self-acceptance. Last night I had a good conversation with my therapist that I'm still processing today. Basically, I'm considering getting my ears pinned, AKA otoplasty, because I've felt for a while that they've stuck out a bit in relation to the rest of my face. I haven't been teased for them, just received a few comments over the years. The conversation with my therapist covered some of the following points: If the procedure failed or was disappointing, how would I deal with that? Do I stand naked in the mirror much? (more on this below) Am I running away from self-acceptance by trying to change this part of myself? If this is an uncomfortable dilemma, why? How can I explore that discomfort? -Mirrors- We talked about a recent experience I had with exercising. I explained that a few months ago I felt I needed to take a break from exercise. I took a break because I felt I was picking at a scab of self-loathing by exercising while looking in the mirror and running negative thoughts, or judging myself through the workout routine. In the past two weeks I've taken up exercise again and avoid mirrors when I'm in the middle of it, but feel a lot better when looking in mirrors afterward. Kind of like a "reward" and a congratulatory look at myself. Plus, I feel less distracted from exercise when I'm doing it, and can get more in tune with how my body is feeling and responding to the exercises, as opposed to judging my form, or body in the mirror. So yeah, exercise feels much better lately, which is great. -Practicals- Practically speaking, the procedure is expensive, irreversible, and the outcomes aren't guaranteed. I might look into some clinics to gather info and check out options. I'd be out of work for a week or two, and the healing finishes within a few months. I might wear some kind of protection to help the ears heal, and might have to adjust my sleep position so I don't put pressure on them at night. -Self-acceptance- The biggest question here is probably the one of self-acceptance. I rewatched one of Leo's older videos about "how to love yourself", and he talks about the paradox of accepting oneself, while also changing things that are within one's power to change. If we're going deeper, the undercurrent here is "fear of what people think". Looking back, I've made a ton of progress over my fear of what people think, but looking at this situation, it's hard to know what's really driving the want to change my ears. Am I really doing it for me? Or am I trying to stave off a fear of someday hearing comments about them? (I enjoy acting, comedy, public speaking, appearing on videos and photos.) Is talking about this pointless if it's ultimately my choice? (I feel like it's a mixture of all of these.) In the scheme of my life goals, I know my ears are not a big deal. In terms of spirituality and self-mastery, I'm aware there are far more meaningful ways to spend my focus, energy, and money. Yet, here I am typing at length about this "small problem". At this point, I think I'm going to find a large mirror, do some affirmations (in the nude) about my body and ears for 2 months, then re-evaluate. Focusing on these things will probably make the discomfort worse, at first. As I discussed with my therapist, finding and leaning into discomfort often leads to the most meaningful progress. I've had this experience many times so far with my personal development, so I'm pretty sure I'm onto something important! ~ Your thoughts are appreciated! What experiences have you had with self-image? Have you had a cosmetic surgery that was or wasn't worth it? Have you had experience with holistically shifting how you were judging yourself, or aspects of yourself? Thanks!