SmartFixer_OceanJjb

I live in the United States for almost 20 years but No I'm not American. I'm 40+. Married to an older person. No I didn't marry a rich person. If I don't work, I will suffer all by myself when I retired. No kids. I'm not showing here where I'm originally from cuz I tend to get prejudice when I say it -- from my experience. Also I have self-confidence issue due to my upbringing, verbal abuse from my father <-- that's what my counselor told me. I sort of 'escaped' from my family -- to an ocean away (US) all by myself. My only family is pretty much my partner, who is older than me. Oh I got issues . . . That's why I need to be self-actualized / enlightened. As I wrote, I'm not young like most of the people here. I'm 40+. I'm desperately looking for where I can fit in. I hope this forum accept me. Lately I quitted my job. This is my first time in my life that I'm not working nor going to school. I've been depressed a while. A month ago, Real Bad depression hit. I started small dose of anti-depressant. Since then, my mood never bottom down. As recommended by my counselor, I started reading some books: David Richo's "The Five Things We Cannot Change" and Barry Long's "Knowing Yourself." Some parts of the books soothed me. But I'm not a book-reader, so I'm kinda tired of reading now. Started yoga. I know I got to look for a job. But now, I'm like, "What for?" I lost motivation to go on. If I don't work and earn money now, I'll regret later when I retired. <-- Logically I know that, but I just can't motivate myself to go on. People will say, "Something good will happen later so you got to go on!" I want to know what kind of "good thing" will happen? Reading those books, I noticed that 'something' changed in me. I lost 'material desire' and I became more careless for how other people think of me. I wear pretty much same kinda clothes and I don't put make up lately. I'm an introvert. After quitting job, I rarely talk to anybody. The reason why I'm writing this is that I want somebody to kick my ass. Motivate me in whatever way . . but for what?? <-- This is my problem. It took 1 day to write this post for me. Gosh I'm so timid. Thank you for your time reading my long sloppy English.

WTH!! I'm starting my journal Now!! I've been thinking about starting journal here since this forum opened. but when I thought about what to write, how to introduce myself, how I's stupid & miserable! <-- self negative talk is getting better tho, thanks to Leo's suggestion of {self affirmation 5 min daily.} Yes I'm the one who started {I Feel That I'm Lost. My Age's 40+.} Below FYI: Anyhoo, lately I became 43. I will introduce myself more later. About 10 days ago, I bought Leo's Life Purpose Course for my b-day present. Right now, I'm at [#80 The Importance of Research.] Probably thanks to daily affirmation as suggested by Leo, my problematic self-esteem issue took turn to . . better, I guess? Now I'm not afraid of confronting issues of my marriage/husband, straight to the point. I'm not even afraid of separation. No more. Have a wonderful day!

I watched my Sunday Church Leo. This week, I didn't fall asleep cuz it's less than 30 min. lol. Actually I watched last week's too but I kept falling asleep cuz it's long like 1 hr. I understand that there's some reason why can't make it shorter. So long one is fine. But if it's long one after midnight... I keep falling asleep so keep the vid playing. Oh well. 'thinking' & 'awareness'

I LOVE this kind of Leo's controversial topic. Yes, I've been watching Leo's Darn Early Sunday Morning Church since 2 AM PST, falling asleep several times. I don't mean to be offensive to people here tho... "God's Love" sounds offensive to me. "F---ing Nature" seems appropriate to me. More like, typical religious stuff or idea have been offensive to me. Religions are "moral fantasies" to me. Religions make you narcissists. Religions are for people who gave up thinking by themselves. <-- This is the environment that I grew up, which . . might be unbelievable for some people. That's what my grandma used to say to me. She was radical . . lol. Being "Ethical" and "Conscientious" are enough. Don't need religion. My reality is that I married to an older guy . . I accepted the fact that I've grown up in a dysfunctional family and the result . . and he's dying earlier, and I may be on the street when I got retired, so I need to be enlightened to live in fantasy. I think I'm grasping my reality real good. I surrendered to my reality.

What to focus on in life: Meditation Enlightenment Life Purpose Learning/Education Slow deliberate mindful action Contemplation Being What to minimize in life: Friendships Relationships Family commitments Hobbies Any kind of recreational fun . . No I'm not going to hate you Leo. lol. You are Absolutely Right for this. Oh yes I watched Leo's uploaded video, as my Sunday Darn Early Morning Church like 1AM PST . . And I fell asleep as usual, so I'm watching it again. I kinda knew what he said in the video since my teenager age. "Bunch of family craps" . . LOL. I never understood why people take 'family' as such a Holy thing. It's just a biological connection. Nothing 'holy' about. I finally found somebody whom I can respect. Leo's Youtube, My Sunday F--king Early Church. What??? "Carnel craving"?? This part at 43:40 --> https://youtu.be/XR7mjtoAdpM?t=43m40s Wow . . It's kinda hard of exhausting my music and food craving. If I can make all what he said in the vid, I'm sure I can be happy on street after retired and till death. Yup that's my ultimate of ultimate goal, although I don't know if I can make it to the level or not. But at the same time, I sense that, Leo can say it because he earned enough money to the level that he can go whatever of seminars of his choice freely. My point here is, We need to earn and become kinda 'rich' materially first, and realize the 'emptiness' in the material richness, then lose the 'material rich-ness' then you ultimately become 'really rich' internally. That is the process necessary to go through. I think. Anyway thank you Leo.

Gosh I thought that I was finally blocked in actualized.org cuz I'm just so negative or something. lol. -- Around 3am PST, I couldn't log-in. I watched Leo's youtube video around 2am PST or so, as religiously as usual. I forgot what I wanted to write here tho. I don't remember the detail of the contents that I wanted to write, but what I remember was . . I wonder if Leo's doing ok? I don't know . . I sensed some kind of 'pain' in his expression, though I was not watching the video but more like listening to the video.

I know I shouldn't get influenced by my environment. I know I shouldn't get upset. I know I shouldn't get annoyed. But I do stupidly. I know I should get out of this situation. But I don't have guts. I'm stupidly stuck. What I know is that, I don't want to die today. I want to feel better just before I'm dying. No I'm not trying to get any attention. I'm just being honest about what I'm thinking and expressing it. That's all. Because this is my journal. At this moment, my psychological state is far from enlightenment and actualization. So deeply stuck in ego. Minimum thing that I can do at this moment is to be brutally honest to myself.

Today's Sunday. Yesterday was Saturday (naturally. lol) Around 2am, I watched this week's Leo's video which is longer than 1 hour!?!? -- I fell asleep and woke up now. I remember it was during Neti neti guided meditation. Unlike me, I was busy going here and there yesterday and I was really tired. Today gonna be busy too. I will come back and watch Neti Neti guided meditation, probably this evening.

I watched Leo's 'How Your Mind Distorts Reality - Needy vs Non-Needy Perception.' I mostly agree what he said. Again, I got Tons of things to say. I thought Tons. And I know that his audience is mostly around Leo's age (early 30s) and younger people. My life stage and his are different. My experience toward aged people and my experience of last 15 years, dealing with aged people, is my reality. I know that Leo hasn't experienced it. That's just natural. He mentioned something like, 'a girl sleeping on the bed with monsters under it.' My monsters are real. Real fears which I saw in last 15 years. The reality of aging and the circumstances. Many have their families to support the aged ones. I'm alone. No family. I want to be self-actualized to [numb] my reality. That's why I listen to Leo. Knowing Leo don't know my 'real fear,' I still want to be self-actualized, so I listen to Leo. I listen to Leo to prepare for the time when I become a homeless in 60s and die on the street. I will feel 'ok' with the life if I were self-actualized then. I need to eliminate all my ego, so that I am ok as a homeless in my 60s. It's depressing. Because I have ego now, so it's depressing. I hope I'm on the right direction.

now I watched today's Casey Neistat's video. What is my dream? ... but wait. 'Being possessed in search for dream' and 'being actualized' don't go along. I am a screw up. I don't know what I want in my life. One time, I want to Totally eliminate my ego. Another time, I want to pursue my dream. i want to lead like pursuing my dream is to actualize my life. ... I don't quite understand the last sentence I wrote above. oh btw I reviewed Me Sheet already.

Sunday morning. Since after midnight, I kept watching . . more like listening Leo's newly uploaded video 'Overcoming Addiction - The Root Cause of Every Addiction' and fell asleep . . I don't know how many times . . I Re-loaded the vid for . . How many times?? LOL. And just completed watching it. I got So Many things that I want to write in here about what he talked in the video. <-- This must be some sort of 'addiction' too. And now, I got to go. I got to go discuss something, which . . I'm not quite willing to but I got to. Sigh. I'll be back!

"Less options make you happier." "Win BIG & lose EVERYTHING . . make you happier."

I still feel that I'm lost in direction. I've been postponing to reply to my sister (younger than me)'s email about their teenage kids. She's a single mother. I think she got a boyfriend. We are not that close. And I just don't have much energy. Energy . . . not just psychological energy but physical energy . . . Lately I just can't do intense cardio at all. What I can do is to swim VEEEEERY slowly for 30 min. Focus is relaxation and meditation, I guess. I even lost in what I write here . . . oh yeah, I just watched Leo's newly uploaded vid. What he said was the 10K hour method in short term? I think that's it, which I still needed the reminder tho. I thank him tho. But I still can't get quite out of depression which originated in age-difference marriage: How to deal with his way earlier decline and death. Lately I happened to see an elderly couple. Both ages looked similar. Her husband needs wheelchair for transport . . maybe they are 80 or so. They look both retired . . obviously . . 95% for sure. They are declining in similar age / similar pace. If they are matured psychologically, they accept aging together, that aging would be graceful and complete their lives. <-- This is not happening for me. I got to be in the state 20+ years earlier than those normal couples, and I got to go back to work . . to support my lone retirement. I need to prepare myself for this psychological state. I have to hurry to reach the state. Just thinking about it exhausts me and stuck in depression. The exhaustion and depression puts me in worse loop. I just cant do much anything with good energy any more. I better focus on something else other than this issue . . . but this methods don't quite solve my coming future problem. I need to prepare for it, but [ how ] ?? So far, what I think of what I got to develop is the 3rd eye kinda thing. Detach myself from the depression and deal with it [ somehow ]. Somehow?? -- How?? I cannot be quite passionate to my career. It's like, "I'm helping people who already got help from families & relatives." I'm like, "I'm the one who really need help!" I may be just tired in my situation. In last couple days while I hadn't have enough energy, I skipped some of Me Sheet reminder, 5 min daily affirmation, and/or meditation. I need to go back to do all those 3 daily. To bring back some energy/motivation, I'm planning to do something kinda stupid. I'm not quite in the mood for it but I'm . . desperate, I guess? I Love doing/saying stupid. I want to do shock-therapy kinda thing to myself. I wrote that I was going to be 'quiet' but I came here to write about it after watching Leo's video. Once a week, after watching Leo's vid, am I writing here? Maybe good idea? oh it's 3:40AM PT here. -- 7:11AM PT -- "Design death"

@Natasha I got the Bragg's apple cider vinegar at Walmart -- thank you for the info. And other comments and reference videos too.

Till this morning, I'd watched Leo's enlightenment related vids. After coming back, I watched some Mooji's vids. I was looking for some answers in his vids. He said 'a way to deal with sufferings is silence.' 1st I thought, "That's what I'd done for a while, then I just get depressed more and more, so started seeing a counselor, then, but, still I couldn't quite getting out from my sufferings, then found actualized.org, then started forum-journaling, and still I feel stuck. Am I going back to the first stage again!?!?" But then, I thought, since my last silence phase, I had a journey. I stumbled and struggled. I'm still in the mid of it. And I'll be in silence, as Mooji said. I don't know how long of this 'silence' will last tho. My monkey-chatter is insane. I don't know the purpose of writing this here, to be 'silent.' <-- This is already a monkey-chatter. I need to observe this monkey chatter from . . what did Leo say? I forgot the word. Kinda like the 3rd eye? or pineal grand? . . . That's what I need to train. BTW, I couldn't observe my dull headache . . I couldn't separate the pain from . . 3rd eye or pineal grand . . today. I think Leo mentioned something like, "when you get older, physical pain here and there. You can separate pain from you." or something. REALLY!?!? I think, it depends of the intensity of the pain, type of the pain, and location of the pain like how close the painful site is to the nerve and/or nerve endings. Especially headache . . is the darn close to the pain center in brain. Observing the headache was impossible for me today. Or, is it a kind of distraction method? <-- This is very common. And re: "People aren't afraid of death is a lie." <-- I guess, majority of the people are afraid of death. There are some minority people who are Not afraid of dying. My environment was . . My next neighbor suicided 15+ years ago. She was a teenager. I used to say 'hi' a couple times a week. We never talked. I regretted. I was too shy to go talk to her. My 'kinda-relative' attempted suicide. She was a narcissist and used to bother me so no comment. My high-school friend was . . I don't know how many times she attempted suicide. Another case: One young guy with relatively chronic disease, but he could move around no problem, suicided. What I meant was, depending on the environment where you are, the scenery is different. You just can't see people who are not afraid of death. And me? I kind of don't want to die, but sometimes I want to die to free from sufferings. But I don't want to die with physical pain. I want to be in coo-coo state with morphine and ativan. I want to go ABSOLUTELY pain-free. . . . this kinda monkey-chatter I wrote after mentioning "i'll be quiet." I wonder if I can really be in 'silence' to deal with suffering?

I think I'm lost. I'm physically ok tho. This morning, I'm busy so it will be later to update here. -- 4 hrs later -- i thought I could, but couldn't. I failed.

Yes I set my cornerstone habits yesterday, and right next day, today, I already messed up. I woke up early in morning as usual but then I couldn't get up till noon. Due to some unexpected circumstances, I ended up waiting for almost 2 hours yesterday evening and . . I guess it got me tired. Also I watched Leo's Benefit of Enlightenment. That made me think, and . . remembering memory of my grandma who offered me black vinegar water (dried soybeans hydrated in it) when I was kid . . that was a memory to cherish . . Then, I was like, "Grandma, what did you bring this time?? another funky stuff??" . . . I've never known 'the moment' was something to cherish later on . . . In the enlightenment perspective, memory is also delusion, right?? Then, I refuse to be enlighten for this. I admit that I'm a weak person. I want to hang on to my memory with grandma. Life is suffering. I knew it. I need some memories to cherish, to live on. I started wondering . . if people here are just 'think about' enlightenment by sitting quietly? and discussing about enlightenment with enlightenment-kinda terminologies? There must be many different approach to enlightenment. And, this way don't quite convince me. I cannot trust anything without hands-on basically. I'm an orthodox 'hands-on' person, that's why. If I am afraid of death, I go see dying persons. That's what I did when I married to an older person cuz I was afraid of his way earlier death than mine. 15 years ago. One thing led to another today. Now, I feel that I want to go back to work. I'll go see and feel their sufferings. Screw the 'speciality' to give me 'confident.' As Buddha went to see people who are suffering . . I go that route. And figure out my version of enlightenment & self-actualization. My life purpose may be 'right there.' Maybe? Maybe now? I got to figure out myself. Right now, I feel kinda high. Later, when I cooled, my other problems will come back to me, like marriage/relationship problem, my confidence 'without speciality' problem, and 'IT-needs at work' problem. <-- I better keep them in mind.

@Natasha I'm drinking the apple cider vinegar water now, as you recommended. I calculated how much water to drink a day for me -- Thank you The ratio I made is: 1/4 teaspoon apple cider vinegar in 16 fl oz water <-- Am I too stingy in vinegar usage?? I'm kinda scared of 'vinegar water.' Like, "Am I to drink the sour thing!?!?" Diluted enough so don't taste much sour-ness tho. I just made it with the apple cider vinegar on hand, Heinz one, which says 'super-filtered.' I'll get the Bragg's one when I got chance for shopping. When I read your reply, I remembered my mom's side grandma who told me to drink her version of [vinegar water] saying "because it's a good thing!" when I was a kid, like 30+ years ago. Hers were more . . 'hard-core' can I say? lol. She soaked/marinated dried soy beans in 'black vinegar' (I don't know what kind of vinegar that was) for a couple weeks or months or . . Who knows!! It's a [grand-ma] thing!! lol. I remember drinking it then. As long as it's diluted enough, it was drink-able but never tasted good tho . . even tho she used to say 'it's good!' What does she expect? I was just a kid! lol. She also offered the 'guts' . . the dried soybean hydrated in black vinegar!! MAN!! That tasted AWEFUL!! . . . but she was enjoying it. She was a hard-core. lol. . . I remembered that kind of experience with my grandma when I read your reply. Thank you for this too. I re-lived the memory with my grandma. 30+ years later, she passed away already years ago, I'm in different country, being reminded of 'vinegar water' from waaay younger person than grandma. How interesting . . .

I just watched "The Benefits of Enlightenment" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfMqtrbjiMs again after checking email from Leo. <-- Yup I'm subscribed. I thought TONS while watching the video. "Life is suffering" <-- I knew it. More like, isn't it the basic teaching in Buddhism? To get out of the life's sufferings is . . when you noticed that you got out from life's sufferings . . when you noticed that you are in different state of mind getting out of life's suffering . . is called 'enlighten.' . . . That's what I've known. Also . . . this thought may be not quite acceptable in Western Christian world . . . To get out of life's suffering, one way is to end their live, i.e., suicide. 'Enlighten after (physical) death.' <-- This is not quite accepted in Western Christian world. Mentioning about suicide is even recognized as 'offensive' sometimes. That's what I noticed living in the United States. Anyhoo, In the video, Leo explained the details of . . his version of enlightenment. I think, I got it. And, so, although I kinda knew it . . working on Life Purpose becomes meaningless when I keep 'enlightenment' in my mind. In a way, it's a relief. And also it's dangerous. In extreme case, I can be a homeless and get enlightened, and on to self-actualization. Now I got another thing to think about. <-- My 'ego' wants to think about it, I guess. <-- 'I' is illusion. <-- This loop. lol. I think, I want to watch the video again. And other Leo's enlightenment related videos too. But . . I got other things to do tho? Watching Enlightenment related videos are more interesting than what I got to do. <-- This is not good. <-- My 'ego' wants to discipline me. <-- 'ego' 'discipline' all 'illusion.' <-- This loop. <-- This monkey-chatter. <-- lol. First, I better start from my Cornerstone habits because it's morning! Man! birds are noisy chirping loud this morning . .

(Deleted cuz what I wrote was like Twitter comments.)

I absolutely sense it . . . You must be Really stressed out . . Since I don't know her personally, Please find her in this journal section below. The title clearly says it, so it's easy to find hers: http://www.actualized.org/forum/forum/16-self-actualization-journals/ I understand that you got to hurry, but to get better physically & heal psychologically, one step at a time...

As @oschi mentioned, better work on nutrition first. You are in medical school so you know nutrition better, I think. And I guess you are depressed, chronic. So, you may not have psychological energy to exercise much. If you force to exercise and if you couldn't, you may get depressed more. So, let's start from walking or easy yoga. A little by little, in your pace, because . . . Let's face straight to the point: BMI 33 is BAD! You know that, right?? Maslow's Hierarchy, you might forgotten tho cuz it's the thing you learned way before medical school -- Let's tackle physiological needs first. Although it's 'first world' kinda physiological needs, anyway being unhealthy don't help nothing much. On the way to work on nutrition and being more physical, somewhere, when you started feeling better, something may 'click' in you and hopefully your motivation will get back to you. I usually don't write 'advice' kinda post but I just feel your pain so bad and couldn't help . . I have my own problem and stumbling around lately. I really hope you well. P.S. There's one person who writes her journal. She wants to be a cardiologist. She failed some exams before and . . the part of her experience hit my heart . . . I wonder if reading her journal may help something? If her journal is too much, please forget what I wrote here.

Last night, I didn't journal . . Oops. I just fell asleep. I was lazy yesterday. I wasn't productive in the level that I could. I escaped to vegan cooking. Learning vegan cooking is good, but it shouldn't be priority. Cooking & eating is waaay more fun for me . . than things that I got to do. I need to train my emotional labor . . Is that what Leo said? --> I may want to come back to my 'emotional labor' thing later. One thing that I haven't written here is my physiology . . <-- this english sounds kinda funky . . physiology? body component? . . oh geez . . it's too early in the morning to think of proper egnlish word usage. Ahyhoo, in the beginning of March, my BMI was 25.7. Body fat is 37%. That's the latest # that I've known. Yup I'm chubby. In medical term, it's called 'FAT.' I need to reduce BMI to < 25 & body fat to <35%. I've been thinking like, 'now, I need to focus on my life purpose and relationship problem, so, my fitness is later. I can't focus that many things at a time.' But . . maybe . . I should? Physiology part is the most basic needs in Maslow's hierarchy. The base is very important. Although my BMI & fat% aren't That bad . . I'm not obese, but kinda 'fat.' I just better lose a couple points in BMI & a couple % so that I can be in 'normal' range. I've been doing the Me Sheet reminder for 3 weeks & daily 5 min affirmation for 3+ weeks. I tend to skip meditation because it got to be 20 min . . kinda long . . that's why . . I decided to do it even just 1 min. Better than not doing it, although 20+ min is the best. Let's have a nice day! --Drinking green smoothie, I'm writing this. -- adding 1 hr later -- Thanks to @Argue who asked @Emerald Wilkins about Cornerstone Habits and thanks to @Emerald Wilkins who answered @Argue 's question, I thought I better 'set' my Cornerstone Habits clearly. (I'm trying to set) My Cornerstone Habits Make green smoothie every morning & drink it. (which I've been doing since I quitted my job, every weekdays. I tend to skip weekends tho.) (Anyway I wanted to recognize my morning green smoothie is a Very Important cornerstone habit for me.) (Also I sense that it's kinda like placebo effect for me, like, "I'm drinking Darn Good stuff so I'm Good!") Exercise: Swimming slowly or yoga. (I need to figure out what kind of schedule works out for me.) (I know that I better do cardio but I just don't quite have the energy . . psychological?) (If I go swimming, I get out from home, which is good for me too.) Sleep: I go to bed early and wake up early. No problem since I quitted my job . . probably Waaay less stress now, that's why. Although domestic problem showed up after quitting job, still waaaay less stress now. Me Sheet review, 5 min affirmation, and 20 min meditation: I think 'Me Sheet review' and '5 min affirmation' are becoming my daily habit since I've done 3+ weeks. But '20 min meditation' . . . I tend to postpone cuz of 20 min . . . I decided to meditate even just 1 min. Water plants in my small patio, go outside, get natural daily vitamin-D dose. Sensing/touching nature is psychologically good . . . I've read somewhere. (I better set when to work on what I got to do & how much to do.) (I better set when to watch Casey Neistat since I cannot skip it.) I remember Cornerstone Habits should be just a couple, shouldn't be that many. I need to work on it. -- 5 hrs later, at 12:27 PT -- In 'Discipline' topic somewhere in this forum, I happened to watch 'How to Build Self Discipline' by YouTuber called 'Infinite Waters (Diving Deep).' This: https://youtu.be/DTzCdl5yKyU?t=1m2s He kinda shocked me. lol. "Change your name." . . . . I was like, "What!?!?" "Who talks about [changing names] in the topic of [discipline]!?!?" . . . but he's right tho. It's all about 'subconscious' thing. Therefore, My name is now [ SmartFixer_OceanJjb ] <-- Sounds kinda funky. But at this moment, that's fine. I may change it to better one later tho. -- 8 hrs later, at 16:02 PT -- Because I didn't write yesterday evening (fell asleep), kinda early tho, today's not done yet tho, here's my evening journal: Gratitude I can't believe that I replied a person with some advice! Who am I becoming!?!? lol. A month ago, I would never thought of me giving some advice to somebody. It was just simply impossible then. My psych was real bad then. Now I'm good enough to be able to reply with some advice. Man! I hope the person gets better a little by little knowing the person wants immediate remedy. Opportunities Again, I tend to get more interested in online business kinda thing, which I've never experienced. I don't know if this is distraction or opportunities? For this my interest, I just let my curiosity lead, even tho I got other priorities. Intensions I should have done Cornerstone Habits done early in morning and should have worked on my research for possible jobs. But actually I just learned the words this morning. Acknowledgment Knowing I could give some advice to a person, I acknowledged that I'm getting better. I need to streamline my Cornerstone Habits tho. Lessons Learned The concept of Cornerstone Habits & to change name as a part of 'discipline' (by Infinite Waters (Diving Deep)) I want to change 'SmartFixer_OcenaJjb' to better one later tho. That just don't sound good. -- 9 hrs later, at 16:45 PT -- My Cornerstone Habits revised: Green smoothie -- Know that I ingested good stuff very first thing in the morning. Exercise. Yoga or swimming very slowly, at this moment -- Know that my fitness is taken care early in the morning. Water plants / go outside / absorb natural vitamin D from sun -- Up my mood, trigger serotonin looking at sunlight thru retina, strengthen bones, ... Sleep -- Restore energy. . . . those 4 items above should give the ripple effects, and I will do: Me Sheet review / 5 min affirmation / meditation, doesn't matter how long, preferably 20+ min. Whatever I got to do following my priority. Moderate YouTube (Casey Neistat as addicted.)

This is what I think --> Tony Robins became the 'Tony Robins' due to his way high level of growth hormone. He used his given character/giantism which he hated when he was a kid, to the max level. He's smart! <-- I admire him for this part. I used to listen to his series, including his brain cancer thing due to his growth hormone related thing <-- I can't remember the detail tho. His pitch is kinda too much to me. Probably because I'm not American? Things like: "YEAH! WE CAN DO IT YEAH!! AMERICA THE NUMBER ONE YEAH!!" "SAY AYE!!" "AYE!!" "SAY YEAH!!" "YEAH!!" <-- Excuse me for exaggeration, but his tone just exhausted me. Leo don't do it, which I appreciate. I sense that Tony Robins's clients are people who want flashy life like his. I think, he don't quite recognize some people who want modest life . . who want a small place to live, owning a small car, with no grand piano, with small boob wife or girlfriend, I.e., less flashy life. He got top of ego which many normal (?) people want. I think he's very honest on this point, and get many followers. Im just saying only superficial level tho. If I hurt your feelings, sorry.

Another morning. Sounds of morning traffic coming through closed windows. Sounds of crows and other birdies chirping. "I listen to nature and open to what it brings in me." Woke up not feeling good, but dragged myself out from comforter to make green smoothies, made it, drinking it, feeling better. I will continue #80 Research today. But first, I'll watch one stupid youtube to give me some laughter <-- I hope it gives me energy, not distraction. Also I better make a morning chemical 'kick,' i.e., coffee. "Happiness is a state of just [being], not [doing.]" <-- This reminded me . . people who cling / hang on to their lives when they can 'go.' I've been seeing many people who literally physically 'dying.' (That's the reason why I may have different thought about death, compared to other normal people. Anyhoo.. back to story.) Some people look terrified of dying, even though their bodies are dying, that's why they cannot 'go' easily. Some are . . traumatic . . die in pain, which don't occur much though. Some other people cling to their live, even though their bodies are physically dying, because . . maybe they want to continue being happy? . . Happiness is a state of just [being], right? Is that why? Is that the reason why they just can't let go of their live? Because they think they cannot continue being happy when once they died? I just felt like noting it. --> Reminder for myself --> "Monkey Happiness" Re: husband. He's nice. Like . . things he kept refusing whenever I asked . . that's why I stopped asking him no more . . He started . . He initiates doing it. He even ask me if I want to do it. I don't mean to be sarcastic tho . . considering his 'pattern,' I wonder how long this his effort lasts? BTW, he knows that I'm writing this journal here. He can read my journal whenever. -- Adding 4 hrs alter, at 12:38 pm PT -- Plan to tackle #80: Research & #81 Skills For me to be confident, I need to review all the basics again. There are 3 YouTube channels for it. Skim them through all the basics ASAP. Then I'll think about if I really want the specialty of my interest, or not. I guess I got to seek the Life Purpose & enlightenment work at the same time. I cannot focus only on enlightenment because I need to 'eat.' I need to go back to work/earn $$, but this time, with my clear Life Purpose in mind.