SmartFixer_OceanJjb
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I watched my Sunday Church Leo. This week, I didn't fall asleep cuz it's less than 30 min. lol. Actually I watched last week's too but I kept falling asleep cuz it's long like 1 hr. I understand that there's some reason why can't make it shorter. So long one is fine. But if it's long one after midnight... I keep falling asleep so keep the vid playing. Oh well. 'thinking' & 'awareness'
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I LOVE this kind of Leo's controversial topic. Yes, I've been watching Leo's Darn Early Sunday Morning Church since 2 AM PST, falling asleep several times. I don't mean to be offensive to people here tho... "God's Love" sounds offensive to me. "F---ing Nature" seems appropriate to me. More like, typical religious stuff or idea have been offensive to me. Religions are "moral fantasies" to me. Religions make you narcissists. Religions are for people who gave up thinking by themselves. <-- This is the environment that I grew up, which . . might be unbelievable for some people. That's what my grandma used to say to me. She was radical . . lol. Being "Ethical" and "Conscientious" are enough. Don't need religion. My reality is that I married to an older guy . . I accepted the fact that I've grown up in a dysfunctional family and the result . . and he's dying earlier, and I may be on the street when I got retired, so I need to be enlightened to live in fantasy. I think I'm grasping my reality real good. I surrendered to my reality.
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What to focus on in life: Meditation Enlightenment Life Purpose Learning/Education Slow deliberate mindful action Contemplation Being What to minimize in life: Friendships Relationships Family commitments Hobbies Any kind of recreational fun . . No I'm not going to hate you Leo. lol. You are Absolutely Right for this. Oh yes I watched Leo's uploaded video, as my Sunday Darn Early Morning Church like 1AM PST . . And I fell asleep as usual, so I'm watching it again. I kinda knew what he said in the video since my teenager age. "Bunch of family craps" . . LOL. I never understood why people take 'family' as such a Holy thing. It's just a biological connection. Nothing 'holy' about. I finally found somebody whom I can respect. Leo's Youtube, My Sunday F--king Early Church. What??? "Carnel craving"?? This part at 43:40 --> https://youtu.be/XR7mjtoAdpM?t=43m40s Wow . . It's kinda hard of exhausting my music and food craving. If I can make all what he said in the vid, I'm sure I can be happy on street after retired and till death. Yup that's my ultimate of ultimate goal, although I don't know if I can make it to the level or not. But at the same time, I sense that, Leo can say it because he earned enough money to the level that he can go whatever of seminars of his choice freely. My point here is, We need to earn and become kinda 'rich' materially first, and realize the 'emptiness' in the material richness, then lose the 'material rich-ness' then you ultimately become 'really rich' internally. That is the process necessary to go through. I think. Anyway thank you Leo.
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Gosh I thought that I was finally blocked in actualized.org cuz I'm just so negative or something. lol. -- Around 3am PST, I couldn't log-in. I watched Leo's youtube video around 2am PST or so, as religiously as usual. I forgot what I wanted to write here tho. I don't remember the detail of the contents that I wanted to write, but what I remember was . . I wonder if Leo's doing ok? I don't know . . I sensed some kind of 'pain' in his expression, though I was not watching the video but more like listening to the video.
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I know I shouldn't get influenced by my environment. I know I shouldn't get upset. I know I shouldn't get annoyed. But I do stupidly. I know I should get out of this situation. But I don't have guts. I'm stupidly stuck. What I know is that, I don't want to die today. I want to feel better just before I'm dying. No I'm not trying to get any attention. I'm just being honest about what I'm thinking and expressing it. That's all. Because this is my journal. At this moment, my psychological state is far from enlightenment and actualization. So deeply stuck in ego. Minimum thing that I can do at this moment is to be brutally honest to myself.
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Today's Sunday. Yesterday was Saturday (naturally. lol) Around 2am, I watched this week's Leo's video which is longer than 1 hour!?!? -- I fell asleep and woke up now. I remember it was during Neti neti guided meditation. Unlike me, I was busy going here and there yesterday and I was really tired. Today gonna be busy too. I will come back and watch Neti Neti guided meditation, probably this evening.
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I watched Leo's 'How Your Mind Distorts Reality - Needy vs Non-Needy Perception.' I mostly agree what he said. Again, I got Tons of things to say. I thought Tons. And I know that his audience is mostly around Leo's age (early 30s) and younger people. My life stage and his are different. My experience toward aged people and my experience of last 15 years, dealing with aged people, is my reality. I know that Leo hasn't experienced it. That's just natural. He mentioned something like, 'a girl sleeping on the bed with monsters under it.' My monsters are real. Real fears which I saw in last 15 years. The reality of aging and the circumstances. Many have their families to support the aged ones. I'm alone. No family. I want to be self-actualized to [numb] my reality. That's why I listen to Leo. Knowing Leo don't know my 'real fear,' I still want to be self-actualized, so I listen to Leo. I listen to Leo to prepare for the time when I become a homeless in 60s and die on the street. I will feel 'ok' with the life if I were self-actualized then. I need to eliminate all my ego, so that I am ok as a homeless in my 60s. It's depressing. Because I have ego now, so it's depressing. I hope I'm on the right direction.
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now I watched today's Casey Neistat's video. What is my dream? ... but wait. 'Being possessed in search for dream' and 'being actualized' don't go along. I am a screw up. I don't know what I want in my life. One time, I want to Totally eliminate my ego. Another time, I want to pursue my dream. i want to lead like pursuing my dream is to actualize my life. ... I don't quite understand the last sentence I wrote above. oh btw I reviewed Me Sheet already.
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Sunday morning. Since after midnight, I kept watching . . more like listening Leo's newly uploaded video 'Overcoming Addiction - The Root Cause of Every Addiction' and fell asleep . . I don't know how many times . . I Re-loaded the vid for . . How many times?? LOL. And just completed watching it. I got So Many things that I want to write in here about what he talked in the video. <-- This must be some sort of 'addiction' too. And now, I got to go. I got to go discuss something, which . . I'm not quite willing to but I got to. Sigh. I'll be back!
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"Less options make you happier." "Win BIG & lose EVERYTHING . . make you happier."
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I still feel that I'm lost in direction. I've been postponing to reply to my sister (younger than me)'s email about their teenage kids. She's a single mother. I think she got a boyfriend. We are not that close. And I just don't have much energy. Energy . . . not just psychological energy but physical energy . . . Lately I just can't do intense cardio at all. What I can do is to swim VEEEEERY slowly for 30 min. Focus is relaxation and meditation, I guess. I even lost in what I write here . . . oh yeah, I just watched Leo's newly uploaded vid. What he said was the 10K hour method in short term? I think that's it, which I still needed the reminder tho. I thank him tho. But I still can't get quite out of depression which originated in age-difference marriage: How to deal with his way earlier decline and death. Lately I happened to see an elderly couple. Both ages looked similar. Her husband needs wheelchair for transport . . maybe they are 80 or so. They look both retired . . obviously . . 95% for sure. They are declining in similar age / similar pace. If they are matured psychologically, they accept aging together, that aging would be graceful and complete their lives. <-- This is not happening for me. I got to be in the state 20+ years earlier than those normal couples, and I got to go back to work . . to support my lone retirement. I need to prepare myself for this psychological state. I have to hurry to reach the state. Just thinking about it exhausts me and stuck in depression. The exhaustion and depression puts me in worse loop. I just cant do much anything with good energy any more. I better focus on something else other than this issue . . . but this methods don't quite solve my coming future problem. I need to prepare for it, but [ how ] ?? So far, what I think of what I got to develop is the 3rd eye kinda thing. Detach myself from the depression and deal with it [ somehow ]. Somehow?? -- How?? I cannot be quite passionate to my career. It's like, "I'm helping people who already got help from families & relatives." I'm like, "I'm the one who really need help!" I may be just tired in my situation. In last couple days while I hadn't have enough energy, I skipped some of Me Sheet reminder, 5 min daily affirmation, and/or meditation. I need to go back to do all those 3 daily. To bring back some energy/motivation, I'm planning to do something kinda stupid. I'm not quite in the mood for it but I'm . . desperate, I guess? I Love doing/saying stupid. I want to do shock-therapy kinda thing to myself. I wrote that I was going to be 'quiet' but I came here to write about it after watching Leo's video. Once a week, after watching Leo's vid, am I writing here? Maybe good idea? oh it's 3:40AM PT here. -- 7:11AM PT -- "Design death"
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SmartFixer_OceanJjb changed their profile photo
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@Natasha I got the Bragg's apple cider vinegar at Walmart -- thank you for the info. And other comments and reference videos too.
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Till this morning, I'd watched Leo's enlightenment related vids. After coming back, I watched some Mooji's vids. I was looking for some answers in his vids. He said 'a way to deal with sufferings is silence.' 1st I thought, "That's what I'd done for a while, then I just get depressed more and more, so started seeing a counselor, then, but, still I couldn't quite getting out from my sufferings, then found actualized.org, then started forum-journaling, and still I feel stuck. Am I going back to the first stage again!?!?" But then, I thought, since my last silence phase, I had a journey. I stumbled and struggled. I'm still in the mid of it. And I'll be in silence, as Mooji said. I don't know how long of this 'silence' will last tho. My monkey-chatter is insane. I don't know the purpose of writing this here, to be 'silent.' <-- This is already a monkey-chatter. I need to observe this monkey chatter from . . what did Leo say? I forgot the word. Kinda like the 3rd eye? or pineal grand? . . . That's what I need to train. BTW, I couldn't observe my dull headache . . I couldn't separate the pain from . . 3rd eye or pineal grand . . today. I think Leo mentioned something like, "when you get older, physical pain here and there. You can separate pain from you." or something. REALLY!?!? I think, it depends of the intensity of the pain, type of the pain, and location of the pain like how close the painful site is to the nerve and/or nerve endings. Especially headache . . is the darn close to the pain center in brain. Observing the headache was impossible for me today. Or, is it a kind of distraction method? <-- This is very common. And re: "People aren't afraid of death is a lie." <-- I guess, majority of the people are afraid of death. There are some minority people who are Not afraid of dying. My environment was . . My next neighbor suicided 15+ years ago. She was a teenager. I used to say 'hi' a couple times a week. We never talked. I regretted. I was too shy to go talk to her. My 'kinda-relative' attempted suicide. She was a narcissist and used to bother me so no comment. My high-school friend was . . I don't know how many times she attempted suicide. Another case: One young guy with relatively chronic disease, but he could move around no problem, suicided. What I meant was, depending on the environment where you are, the scenery is different. You just can't see people who are not afraid of death. And me? I kind of don't want to die, but sometimes I want to die to free from sufferings. But I don't want to die with physical pain. I want to be in coo-coo state with morphine and ativan. I want to go ABSOLUTELY pain-free. . . . this kinda monkey-chatter I wrote after mentioning "i'll be quiet." I wonder if I can really be in 'silence' to deal with suffering?
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I think I'm lost. I'm physically ok tho. This morning, I'm busy so it will be later to update here. -- 4 hrs later -- i thought I could, but couldn't. I failed.
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Yes I set my cornerstone habits yesterday, and right next day, today, I already messed up. I woke up early in morning as usual but then I couldn't get up till noon. Due to some unexpected circumstances, I ended up waiting for almost 2 hours yesterday evening and . . I guess it got me tired. Also I watched Leo's Benefit of Enlightenment. That made me think, and . . remembering memory of my grandma who offered me black vinegar water (dried soybeans hydrated in it) when I was kid . . that was a memory to cherish . . Then, I was like, "Grandma, what did you bring this time?? another funky stuff??" . . . I've never known 'the moment' was something to cherish later on . . . In the enlightenment perspective, memory is also delusion, right?? Then, I refuse to be enlighten for this. I admit that I'm a weak person. I want to hang on to my memory with grandma. Life is suffering. I knew it. I need some memories to cherish, to live on. I started wondering . . if people here are just 'think about' enlightenment by sitting quietly? and discussing about enlightenment with enlightenment-kinda terminologies? There must be many different approach to enlightenment. And, this way don't quite convince me. I cannot trust anything without hands-on basically. I'm an orthodox 'hands-on' person, that's why. If I am afraid of death, I go see dying persons. That's what I did when I married to an older person cuz I was afraid of his way earlier death than mine. 15 years ago. One thing led to another today. Now, I feel that I want to go back to work. I'll go see and feel their sufferings. Screw the 'speciality' to give me 'confident.' As Buddha went to see people who are suffering . . I go that route. And figure out my version of enlightenment & self-actualization. My life purpose may be 'right there.' Maybe? Maybe now? I got to figure out myself. Right now, I feel kinda high. Later, when I cooled, my other problems will come back to me, like marriage/relationship problem, my confidence 'without speciality' problem, and 'IT-needs at work' problem. <-- I better keep them in mind.