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@Neill Bolton Excuse me for this 1 month late reply. I didn't get notification so I didn't know that you replied me. I eat wakame seasoning thing too but I've never mixed with natto -- must taste good! Lately I happened to know that natto tastes better after mixing 424 times <-- I've never done it tho. An old artist who died half century ago, his name is Rosanjin, said it, so it's called "Rosanjin-method." And a Japanese toy company made a natto mixer (functional toy?) to exactly mix it 424 times. <-- oh sounds like funky Jananese thing. lol. FYI: Rosanjin Natto-bachi --> http://www.japantrendshop.com/rosanjin-nattobachi-p-2190.html P.S. Nope I don't mean to sell this product. @ElenaO Oh you gonna hate it. It's not just slimy but stinky . . like smelly feet. Really. but.. you are in Finland.. If you are used to eat fermented fish . . That's Hard-Core!! then you may enjoy natto? lol. Re: natto as stomach flora. I'm not sure if fermented soybeans are good stomach flora or not. But in general, fermented food like saurkraut (as you mentioned) and kimchee (Korean fermented napa cabbage with chili & garlic) got are good bacteria (called probiotics?) for intestine, right? What's known about natto is that natto is a natural anti-coagulant, clot buster. I remember that a doctor told my friend's friend (in Japan) to stop eating natto before his heart surgery cuz natto screw up with coagulation during/after surgery. Some people say that natto prevents alzheimer dementia due to it's anti-coagulant property, to smooth blood circulation in brain. <-- Maybe? but I kinda doubt this tho. There are just So Many demented elderlies in Japan. Oh excuse me. I wrote a lot. Have a nice day!

I bought it yesterday! Finally!! I'm watching #21 now. Lately I've been binge-watching Leo's free YouTube videos. I watched all the topics that I was interested in. Watching his videos of my interest, I realized some different approaches to my problem. I thank Leo for that. And.. I knew that Leo got paid contents. I'd been interested in it since last year sometimes. I quitted working in the end of last year . . I'm not working now, so I'd been hesitated to pay $250 . . . That's not small money . . . especially cuz I'm not working now . . . but NO!! I GOT TO DO THIS NOW!! Now it's Darn Good timing for me!! I can easily expect that my problems will come back/haunt me if I go back to work half-hearted. And, so, I bought the paid contents yesterday afternoon!! Since then, I've been binge-watching them. I feel kinda saturated. Oh well. That sounds like me. lol. but one thing that I misunderstood in the [Who Is This Course Good For?] -- "Those going through a mid-crisis." I misunderstood [mid-crisis] and [mid-life crisis.] I'm in [mid-life crisis.] I wonder if this course can be for people with mid-life crisis? I hope so. Actually doesn't matter! i needed something to kick my ass. but overall, so far, I think $250 is a Huge bargain! for That Much Contents! I can easily tell how much effort & passion Leo put into this course. I respect Leo. I thank Leo. I wish I could know Leo a decade earlier. (then he's 20, he wouldn't be developed yet.) (oh well.)

Excuse me. I'm not Leo tho obviously. I've been binge-watching his videos lately. I sincerely thank Leo for That Many Long videos! And back to this topic. His parents or one parent may be orthodox, but he Completely transformed into something else. I don't smell (<-- excuse me) Christian-ness in him At All. More toward Buddhist? but not quite Buddhist neither. He's something else, which I like. I kinda like his style.

Hi, enlightenment-seeker buddies! I use Google calendar for appointment, etc., but I need an old school paper&pen planner. I wonder which planner people here are using? Which planner do you recommend with enlightenment in mind? My planner history: I'd been using Hobonichi Planner (English ver) for last couple years. It's Free-style writing, one page a day, Very compact, which I loved. But it's kinda expensive. FYI: Hobonichi Planner English version http://www.1101.com/store/techo/2016/planner/lineup/ Then I wanted weekly-review style planner, considering to take a certification exam. Started using The Life Coach 90 days planner last year. FYI: http://www.amazon.com/Life-Coach-90-Day-Goals-Planner/dp/B00G770DIO I like the concept of "focus on goals" but it's BULKY. Then, this year, I wanted more focus on spirituality, so started using Law of Attraction 30 days planner. FYI: http://www.amazon.com/Law-Attraction-Daily-Planner-Organizer/dp/B013ZRM5VQ/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1456226876&sr=8-3&keywords=law+of+attraction+planner I like the spiritual-focus on this planner, but some layouts are redundant. Also it's just for 1 month. Using Frixion-pen, erase all writings/entries by microwaving at the end of 30 days (heat erase the markings, I guess,) I can re-use this planner again and again. The concept is nice & fun tho. I appreciate your replies.

This is not advice nor suggestion but just FYI. I thought I found my way more than 10 years ago. Been working in the field. Now I started doubting if it's really my way? I guess I'm on same boat with you.

ISTP-T

@Draconis Chaser I thank you for describing yourself. Gosh you've gone through difficult time . . . I went through exact same . . . what a sympathy . . . Thank you! Thank you! Your analogy is beautiful . . . I need to find my inner seed. In easier word, the inner seed may be 'love' I think . . . Yes I need to throw my negative conditioning away. Seriously I got to. I thank you for taking time to write your comment. Really mean it. Let's nurture our inner seeds, a little by little.

you know... I don't mind showing my age but don't want to show my b-day . . because I want to be anonymous here . . because I'm being brutally honest here so I feel very insecure here . .

43.

@Ludwig I read my quote in your post -- My English is awful. Some are autocorrect problem, some are my grammar. Sorry about that. I understood what you wrote: In the beginning, I cannot focus meditation because I focus more for balance, poses, etc. I hope to be expert in Yoga eventually, a baby step at a time. Thank you for your comment again.

@Kelley White "Currently recruiting participants" <-- !!!!! "experiencing an episode of major depression of at least 4 weeks duration and have not responded to two treatment trials may be eligible for this study." <-- Although my depression's kinda chronic, unfortunately (?) I responded to zoloft this time. My mood don't bottom out like before. I can do yoga, prep meals, assemble shelves, etc., so I'm not that depressed now. I hope the trials go well and . . Please FDA . . make ketamine happen in the USA. Also I want ketamin to be pill-form, not IV. My blood vessels are too narrow for blood withdrawal/infusion so my inner elbows get bruised each times I get poked and MAN IT HURTS!! I wish you luck! Thanks for the info again!

Thank you for your reply! I used to go to yoga class of a gym, butt ately I don't because the instructors try to fit to all the students' level, so sometimes it's not challenging. I want to do it with my pace, so lately I bought an app, Yoga Studio and I like doing Yoga at home by myself. I don't know what kind of yoga im doing. i read some articles about yoga as meditation. many showed the picture of sitting pose. What I understood was... while making yoga poses, density(?) of meditation is shallow, that's why we need to sit longer for meditation. Did I understand correctly? @Ludwig

@MaxWare1997 I just simply didn't know the existence of the word "enlightenment" when I was 19. You know what? . . YouTube didn't exist when I was 19. Now it's so easy to access knowledge! Just Google and will hit person like Leo. YouTube, Google . . are luxury . . Retrospectively, I wanted a big help when I was teenager . . but it's good that I got the help 20+ years later. However, if I had YouTube, Google, etc.. 20 years ago, I might stay in my country. I might try to get enlightened there. I might not leave my original country all by myself and come to the United States. Oh well. I don't know. But one thing for sure that it was Darn good decision to leave my original country. I was very brave then! I have 2 countries in me. 2 languages in me. 2 culture in me. I feel rich inside. Yup. Paradox in nature, I guess. Thank you for taking time writing your reply!

@Kelley White Hi Kelley, nice to meet you too. Good to know that you were a CNA. It was Darn Hard job, right? I used to be a CNA/CHHA. Since then, I experienced hospice, psych-dementia, long term, home care... Pretty much all 'old people's place.' The very 1st reason why I chose to work at hospice was . . I knew I would experience my partner's death. I understand that 'accident' can happen and he may die sooner, or I may die sooner, but it's just accident. My partner is not ill at this moment but taking 2 kinds of blood pressure pills. Since I've been in medical field, I can sort of expect the course. His BMI is around 30, kinda fat. His blood-relatives got pretty much 'average' life expectancy. After 60, 65, 70, everybody start declining. Nobody can escape from declining, right? His knees and shoulders are not same as before -- of course. I think, in my early 40s (now), I see his sign of decline and expect the 'course' from my enormous experience taking care of old people . . . The decline will continue slowly for 10, 20, or 30 years. After that, I still got to continue living? At this moment, I don't have energy to end my life. I wish I can choose when to end my life. I knew that this depressing moment were coming, when I married him 15 years ago. I thought that working for old declining people would help me prepare for when I got to face my partner started declining. What I didn't think when I married was, I will be Totally alone when I die. No kids, no relatives. When I started declining physically.. mentally.. No kids/no relatives to.. change light bulbs, pay bills, etc.., etc.. Then I need to be in retirement home or that kind of institution, but it ain't cheap At All. I can't afford it, so I will probably die screwing up many things. Knowing so much of old people's life is back-firing me. Normally this kind of concern is for your mom's age people. But for me, marring to a person who's my parents' age, and knowing So Many of old people's decline . . make me feel Really Real. When I see old couples . . Knowing I'll not age together with my partner like the old couples, I become sad. Now I don't feel that depressed cuz I'm taking anti-depressant, so my mood don't bottom out. I used to cry like hell before. . . . I hope I answered your reply. Re: "Women Who Run with the Wolves" -- Since my English is 2nd language, I prefer audiobook. Searched and found one in library (now I'm at a library), so downloading . . and it stopped. I guess it got some kinda protection. Shoot. Now I go another library to borrow the book. Sounds interesting book! per Amazon reviews. Thank you for recommending the book. I will try whatever to help me at this moment. Yes I sense that I entered another life cycle. The cycle supposed to come 20 or 30 years later for normal/average people. In this early 40s, with no kids, no family, no relatives, in 2nd country, and I'm introvert . . the anxiety/depression/fear is hitting me Bad. Re: "Its the only answer I can arrive at that is 100% true..." "is Love" -- That's right. I agree. And .. I wonder if Love is missing in me? When I grew up, while I was bullied (verbally) by father, none of my family helped me. I sense that love is missing in me. I need to learn "love" too. re: "faith" -- I think I can say that I'm kinda Buddhist. I can be athiest too tho. There's one more.. kinda religion.. I was born with, but I cannot write here cuz it will narrow down to one country. I think I can say that another one is based on 'nature,' kind of like Native American one, like "Gods/spirits exist in everywhere in nature." re: "hormone" <-- Thank you for this advice! I will ask my MD to order hormone check next time when I see her. Since I don't have my uterus (taken out a couple years ago), I can't tell observing monthly period cuz I got no period no more. And I saved Leo's "Contemplating Your Own Death - To Stay Motivated For Life" in my 'Watch Later' list. I got to go to another library now.. Kelly, I thank you for your thought, replying me, sharing your experience and your recommendations. At this moment, I feel very calm. Actually I regretted posting this thread a couple times but now I think it was very good decision! to expose my insecurity. Also I thank all the people who's reading this my looong writing, tolerating my 2nd-language English. Peace

@MaxWare1997 I'm not for sure yet though . . . I sense that ultimate happiness may be when we genuinely be able to think 'we are a part of nature. we thank for letting us be a part of nature." You are 19! Gosh I lived more than twice of your living years . . . I thought what I was doing/thinking when I was 19 . . . I graduated high school, couldn't get in to a university which I wanted to (<-- this is an excuse), working part-time, going to English-lauguage school, secretly planning to get out of my family/country. I was not thinking nothing else. I was pretty Egoistic. I've never thought of enlightenmnet nor self-actualization. I thank you for this opportunity to think back when I was 19. "Nature is on your side" <-- That's right. My mantra is, "I listen to nature and am open to what it brings in me." Thank you for taking time to write your comment.

@curiousyill "Smile man, do it, right now!" <-- Yes I did. I came back to read your reply a couple time since yesterday. I need time to process in my brain. 12 hours later, your reply reminded me that . . I used to say silly things (excuse me but) ghetto way of saying things [with my 2nd language accent] and used to make people laugh . . when I was working. Some people even used to say that I was 'silly and bubbly.' You are Right for 'Growing down'!! I was good at it!! My 'silly-ness urge' maybe accumulating in me to be released . . Acting bubbly-silly don't solve core of my problem, but I need the 'spice' for my life. I just noticed it now. I even started thinking like . . My 'call' may be to say something stupid and make people laugh at work. I think you changed my brain-chemical . . Yea I sense it . . Dopamin must have kicked in in some level . . . i Thank You So Much!! Your thumbnail reminds me of a pro-wrestling person . . don't know who tho . . anyway it's cute!

@Michèle Michèle, I read your reply. Actually I came to read your reply a couple times before writing this my reply. You experienced Really Really hardtime. I thank you for sharing your experience. Writing the experience . . remembering the Darn hardtime . . must have exhausted you. I sense it. For that, I thank you from bottom of my heart. Your miserable hard time must be over. I'm happy that you have a wonderful partner, 3 boys, and a good carrier!! Yes you deserve all. My partner is close to my father's age. As I wrote, I grew up verbally abused by my father. Psychologically that's why I married to 'father-like' person. <-- didn't know when married. Being bullied "ugly" in different contents by father, I didn't want kids with my ugly genes, therefore no kids. Then now, I got to deal with the consequence. You wrote "you overcome fear with love!' . . . I understand. And . . I sense that I quite don't know what 'love' is. I didn't sense any 'love' from my original family. They didn't protect me from bully by father. So I left my country making excuse "to go to college." 'Staying in my comfort zone by playing victim' <-- I have this drama-queen side too. I want to get out of it. That's why I want to be enlightened desperately. Again, thank you for your time and effort to share your difficult experience with me! Good to know you who had very difficult time before, and now enjoying life!

@pgchollet My worst days were last year around christmas and 2nd week of this year. During then, I lost 7 lbs. Then started taking anti-depressant. Since then, my mood don't bottom out. Started taking positive steps. Sometimes, even after yoga, my mood get worse. Sometimes, I feel like sunshine is taking my energy. but now, I must be feeling way better now than before cuz I can get up from bed! I get hungry in morning! Your NYC/LA map story: I think I understood. I may be looking at a wrong map. You may be right. I'm thinking about it. re: 7 days mark when negative thought kicked in. I'm writing journal (recommended by therapist. This is the 3rd week.) The negative spell often happen when I woke up and when I'm alone. I used to get depressed after argued with husband but lately I'm okay -- he started to go to therapy too. I wake up with negative thought . . . I wonder if I'm stuck with negative thought during sleep/dream? <-- I've never thought that way! Wow! Thank you very much for your time to think about my situation, your advice/suggestion. I really mean it.

@Ayla Thank you very much.

@DanoDMano re: 'meaning/purpose of my life' -- I lost it now. I used to work in medical field (sorry I feel uncomfortable to show my job title here.) I used to think that 'helping sick people is my 'call' but . . most of them have partner, kids, family & relatives -- they are supported. I realized my situation . . my partner will die way sooner than me. I have no kids. No relatives here. I'll be totally alone. I saw way too many old declining people. I just couldn't help imagining my . . those declining days. Minimum, financially I better be secure, but I don't have 401K . . Nobody advised me that. If I were American, I would have known . . Anyway, then, I better get a job asap and start saving money . . but I have no motivation. 'Preparing for my solo-declining age' de-motivates me. Your writing, 'all things (good and bad) happen for reasons we do not know at the time' <-- I understand and I hope so. re: Law of Attraction. I haven't watched Leo's version. I better watch it. I thank you for taking time for me, your comments & suggestions very much.

@Thugkitty Free write . . . I'll try that! I (try to) write journal every day but free-writing must be different . . . Thank you!

@Neill Bolton that's a HardCore! lol. how do you eat natto? do you stir hundreds times? or less?

@Valium you live in Germany.. some of European countries are Really ahead!! oh I'm kinda envious.. Is the ketamine covered by national insurance?? I guess.. oh I'm envious for this too..

@Valium it's hallucinogenic? . . yup mood will be lifted. and seems it's not approved in US by FDA for depression yet. oh.. where are you? Lucky you! that its available in your country! and seems it's only available in infusion.. I prefer pill form. ? seems ketamine is the future antidepressant. you are ahead!

5 years ago, I used to take lexapro. After a while, my blood pressure got higher, like 150/100. I don't know if it was due to lexapro. But anyway it switched to prozac. Then, it gave me Bad headache. And back to lexapro. I hadn't taken the meds more than a year. When counseling's done, I think I just forgot to take meds. Half a year ago, my depression got worse. I experienced bad depression around last christmas and beginning of this year. I started zoloft and still taking it. MD said that zoloft works well for female. I still get depressed but never bottom out like before. I think zoloft is working for me at this moment. When I was not taking anti-depressant, I used to take Bach Remedy liquid (which contains alcohol) for anxiety. Now I cannot take it because it contains alcohol. Meds and alcohol don't mix right, do they? So I bought kids version of non-alcohol Bach Remedy liquid for anxiety lately. It's not as potent as the alcohol version but better than nothing.