I actually searched to find someone like Leo after I learned about Sigmund Freud from a friend, read a book by him and I got really interested in how my mind works, eventually I found Actualized.org and I actively watch his videos on a common basis.
Let's step back a little. I really learned about Sigmund when I was 15-16 but since I was 8-9 I've always done this thing where I would sit in my bed and rock with music in the back (Radio at the time haha, big ass radio in my bed now I have an iPod the size of my palm... the times). I would rock back and forth and just think, collect my thoughts, planned my work and I would think about what I would ask myself questions to find the root of my problem (I learned this from the parallel between debugging (programming) and using logic to find my answer) at the time I couldn't put to words what was happening in my head, as I listened to a lot of Leo's videos I already understand what he meant with a lot of his videos. He simply gave me vocabulary and more incite in what I kind of already had my teeth around. (So to speak..)
This morning I decided to watch Meditation for beginners and he described it "sitting still" which is technically what I did, I just rocked back and forth with my upper core because I found it relaxing (assuming from anxiety) and I would close my eyes wrap a blanket around me sometimes and just explore my mind. I believe this has helped me over my high school years and I have had moments where I am in tears, or had demons in my head. But the tears came from the thought of tragedy and the demons came from me not being able to let go of a thought (I made myself forget).
So after I watched that video I decided to try what I was doing again with the idea of meditation. Nothing felt different, perhaps I am not even meditating... Or perhaps I have been all of this time. I feel the years I spent rocking back and forth listening to random music (not really keeping mind of it, just noise) I feel it's made me a very objective thinker, not quick to speak unless I feel what I have to say has purpose and made me critical of what I do. (I can never get myself into an aggressive mindset because I put too many factors into the situation to feel the need (w/ minor exceptions) which contradicts my whole family. (Bi-Polar, aggressive) My brother was kicked out of school for so many fights and my father has an aggressive history.
This rocking back and forth method I have done it for 6-7 hours a day at times. and I do it for at least a hour every night before I go to bed. I feel my mind wasn't directing towards goals but rather, surviving lately. Due to my situations. I'm just afraid I am just trying to convince myself that I have been meditating just to 'stroke' my ego. Which is obviously not my intention.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to read what I have to say. I feel when I was growing up I ultimately wanted to live this type of life style, I simply didn't know how to do it.
tl;dr been rocking in my bed for the past 15 years is this considered meditating?
- Thank you Leo! Thank you forum!
